Dear Elaine
I have just picked up this thread. So much of what you have said has touched me deeply.
Above all I wanted you to know that, even though your Gordon is now at peace, we are still here for you. You may find that you need the support of others now more than ever, as you no longer have all your mind, body, and spirit totally focused on caring for someone else.
The other thing I thought I would add is, if you need sleeping pills and/or anti depressants, then take them. What you have experienced is a huge physical as well as an emotional trauma and there is no shame in receiving medical support to help you in the early stages of your recovery.
Just as Gordon received morphine for his physical pain, you may need medication to help you through the most intense phase of your emotional pain. You would never have said to Gordon "Just tough it out and put up with the pain", so why tell yourself that you should try to manage without medicinal support for your pain. Is this really what Gordon would have wanted, if he could see you as you are now, with the hindsight that he would now have?
Like you, I resisted any offers of pharmaceutical support until one day someone very cheerily mentioned to me in passing that he was on prozac and it had transformed how he was coping. It was the very normalness of how he said it that struck me - like he had mentioned he was taking paracetamol. I went on prozac for a few months, found my strength again, and then came off it easily.
I am not saying you should take the pills but I am encouraging to think carefully about why you don't want to. Ask yourself whether you are being kind to yourself or caring appropriately for yourself by resisting your doctor's offer of support. You have proven that you are a brilliant carer for others - now let others take care of you.
With love
ChloeE