the end is coming

[Elaine68]

Took myself to the doctors this morning I must have had an hour with him he would not let me leave with out telling him everything which I did. How I felt and the panic attacks which he said medication would not help with that but face the fear walk to the end of the road till I feel comfortable with it then step a bit more along till I am going a bit longer away a long progress and with time I will master it. Grieving is a big part of how I feel at the moment plus I am so worn out with having no sleep for weeks that as hit me as well and he says everyone is different but around 6 weeks after it will more or less hit me again but hes seeing me again 3rd January he wants to keep his eye on me.
I have been out with my daughter in law this afternoon just in a quiet place not alot of people i enjoyed it seemed ok but very tired now.
Hugs and love to you all.

 

[Amy in the US]

Elaine, your doctor sounds most caring, and I'm so glad you were able to talk to him. Good for you, it can't have been easy or pleasant.

You have so much to catch up on, physically and emotionally, you need time, and sleep, and good food, and fresh air.

Sending kind thoughts and a gentle hug your way.

 

[Scouts girl]

Pleased your doctor sounds very understanding and taking the time to listen to you. Grieving can be such a long and slow process and can affect us all differently. I feel numb at the moment, 3 weeks on from losing my dear mum although I have been in overdrive trying to arrange everything in such a short space of time, it is the guilt coupled with the ‘what ifs’ that is affecting me deeply at the moment. The guilt that I should have stayed with her in her care home just a few more hours so that I was there when she died, but was so emotionally exhausted that just came home for a rest. I lived only 10 minutes away from the care home and knew I could be there quickly but, she left me when I should have been there. All the ‘what ifs’ that I should have done more for her, but knew that I could not look after her at home anymore and she needed to be safe and have the specialised care that she needed 24/7. I know this is all part of the grieving process but it is just so hard isn’t it. Keep posting Elaine, it is comforting to know that there is understanding and support from others like yourself going through this emotional time. Sending hugs to you too xxx

 

[Elaine68]

Scouts girl I feel your pain truly I have not felt guilt I was there for him and I care for him to the end what he wanted nobody was going to take that from me so please don't feel guilty your mother would have known you had been there most of the time. I did not say good bye to my Gordon I was in the same room and he just went but with peace the room felt warm and loving.
My emotions are all over the place I don't want to be here with out him and yet I know he's telling me I want you to live your life now don't be worried or frightened I can hear him saying this which is easy said than done.
My heart is breaking people just don't know what to say to me but a good neighbour knock at the door and said sorry for your loss I have brought you a plant and hugged me what can you say to that we both cried. Everyone's feeling my pain it is hard and I wonder will it ever get better and when. You will get through the funeral it's part of the motion you are there yet you are not it emotionally drains you from start to finish you go through the smiles and great people after but that loss creeps in and you just want to hide away.
The day after you just feel strange lost you don't know what you want and then it hits you thats the way its worked with me. My GP is just the greatest to make the time to talk to me and let me pour my heart out to him the 10 minute slot did go over a bit but talking really does help so keep talking, keep writing we will get through this together. Hugs and more hugs thinking of you xxx

 

[Scouts girl]

Thank you Elaine such a comfort to share our emotions. Did sleep reasonably well last night which will help me face today. Friends and family have been a godsend to me through this journey with mum and do not like being on my own at the moment. I hope I will find the composure to get through next Wednesday and try and cope through Christmas without mum being with us. Mum loved Christmas and I know she would want us to be happy and enjoy this time but it will be so hard. Take care, lots of hugs back to you.

 

[Elaine68]

Thank you Elaine such comfort to share our emotions. Did sleep reasonably well last night which will help me face today. Friends and family have been a godsend to me through this journey with mum and do not like being on my own at the moment. I hope I will find the composure to get through next Wednesday and try and cope through Christmas without mum being with us. Mum loved Christmas and I know she would want us to be happy and enjoy this time but it will be so hard. Take care, lots of hugs back to you.

I tend to feel more pain when I am on my own I am the same I do not like it and you will get through next Wednesday just think happy memories it's a celebration of your mums life and I bet she had a good one. Christmas well not for me I cannot cope with it this year does that make me a miserable old Scrooge I hope not. Hugs and hugs be strong xx

 

[Cat27]

Of course you’re not a Scrooge Elaine. I felt the same last year after my dad & fil died.

 

[Scouts girl]

Of course not, I can completely understand how you must be feeling. Take each day as it comes. Christmas can be such an emotional time when we have lost someone so dear. Try and be strong too. Thinking of you and please let us know how things are for you. Hugs to you xxx

 

[malengwa]

I'm glad you have a great doctor Elaine, and step by step you will move forward. Scouts girl, I am sure you will find what you need for the funeral, I won't be composed, I know that, but in a very strange way, it will be nice to see friends of mums I never even knew. We saw the vicar yesterday and more or less sorted the service out. One of the songs we chose is russell watson 'someone to remember me' and I am crying buckets every time I hear it, it is beautiful.
but my brother has fallen out with me, and now says he's not coming, and my other brother told me he wouldn't bother seeing dad once the funeral is over. I really struggle with having a dysfunctional family and it makes me sad at a time like this when we should pull together.

 

[lemonjuice]

. . . but my brother has fallen out with me, and now says he's not coming, and my other brother told me he wouldn't bother seeing dad once the funeral is over. I really struggle with having a dysfunctional family and it makes me sad at a time like this when we should pull together.

Oh malengwa, that is so insensitive of your brothers.
Bad enough they're contemplating turning their back on their father, but to rub it in by saying it to you is beyond the pale. I suppose that is one advantage to being 'an only' child.

 

[Raggedrobin]

I think having a dysfunctinal family is way too common. i have no idea at all if my sister will turn up at my mother's funeral, as she never visits her. Awkward if she does, awkward if she doesn't. I am now wondering about having a 'no service' funeral as Mum wasn't religious and it seems daft if it is just me. Have discussed options in advance with a funeral director, will wait and see how I feel when the time comes.

 

[malengwa]

Yes difficult sometimes to know how it will be. Mum lived pretty much her whole life in the same area, and knew a lot of people, many of whom are hoping to come to the funeral. I think it's been lovely for dad that people have called or sent a card because they saw the notice in the paper.

 

[Elaine68]

Thinking of you tomorrow Scouts girl I wish you strength and hugs you will get through this God Bless xx

 

[Scouts girl]

Thank you Elaine. Just come to bed, have taken a zopiclone ( keep some for those sleepless nights) so hope I will get a reasonable nights sleep to cope with tomorrow. I know mum will be my side and her spiritual strength will see me through. I hope friends and family will do her proud. I wish you strength too, take care, lots of hugs back xxx

 

[malengwa]

Thinking of you today, scouts girl xx

 

[Elaine68]

Thinking of you today, scouts girl xx

Hope your mums funeral goes as you have planned thinking of you as well Malengwa God Bless hugs to you as well xx

 

[Scouts girl]

Thank you for your thoughts. The funeral was lovely and I hope we did my dear mum proud. Very emotional of course but I did manage to keep some composure to read my tribute to her. My granddaughter was amazing singing ‘Memories’ and my neice too reading her poem. It still all feels very surreal and trying to come to terms that mum has now gone and I will never see her again but she will live in our hearts and the wonderful memories that we all shared yesterday will hopefully help me through. I haven’t really shed many tears yet for her and can’t understand this. I think the emotions will come when I least expect them to, probably like seeing the empty space at the table at Christmas. As always love and hugs to you all and thank you all so much for listening and bringing comfort to me through this journey with mum. I will keep posting as I now want to be a support to everyone going through this awful illness with their loved ones,

 

[Amy in the US]

@Scouts girl, I am glad to see your update, and thank you for letting us know how the service went. It sounds like you had family there with you, and some talented young people!

You are right about your mother living on in your hearts and memories and stories. Something that was said at my father's funeral, part of the liturgy from the congregation my aunt and uncle belong to, that is sometimes comforting (and sometimes makes me very emotional) and that I recall clearly, is this line: Death cannot take that which is locked in our hearts.

The emotions often, at least in my experience, creep up and ambush you when you least expect it. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, only your way. Do what feels right to you, and what you need to do, for you.

I hope you are able to get some sleep, to eat, and to spend some time with family and friends and loved ones.

We are thinking of you.

 

[malengwa]

Scoutsgirl, good to hear from you, and your mums service was lovely.
tears will come, as you say, maybe when you are not expecting it. I blub at the slightest thing, buying dad a card instead of mum and dad, looking at the present I had bought mum and forgotten I had, reading the order of service, hearing her favourite music.
but you will have your moments when it's the right time for you.

 

[lemonjuice]

Glad your mum's fueral went well and you were able to give her tribute,

I think the emotions will come when I least expect them to, probably like seeing the empty space at the table at Christmas.

That's the difficult part. We've lost my mother and m-i-l this year and the previous year was the first without f-i-l.