Terrified Wife
- Thread starter Alisongs
- Start date
can i say, we are trying to help you and offer words of advice/encouragement and i understand you are finding all this overwhelming but the things that you are writing are not nice, polite or respectful to those who want to be there but you are shoving them away and being rude. the members want to help and support you but thats is very hard when you push people away or use unhelpful words.
I doubt if you would be asked to leave or sell the house at tjis stage. You shouldn't be made to suffer financially or health wise the way you are. The council tax gets reduced considerably with 25% off for single occupancy, in addition to another chunk off for him being in a care home. ( when that happens.) Even without a Power of Attorney you must have some rights as his wife and therefore his next of kin. You need to keep your nerve to deal with all of this stuff, seriously, a lot of us have been there and feel better eventually. The feelings you have for your husband (now the stranger) is really quite 'normal.' Once this has all been sorted out, he's in a care home, has a full staff looking after him, he's clean, well fed and has other people to talk to, you begin to realise that is now his home and you can visit him as often or as little as suits you. You will have a life again, you will be happy albeit having to juggle what little money you'll have. You'll also be able to find out what financial benefits will be available to you. I'm really trying not to sound patronising to you, just trying find ways to help you feel a bit better. Honestly ot does get better.
I agree. This has turned into a "poor old me" thread where the OP isn't interested in any comments that we make.
Although it seems very difficult for you to accept any help/advice/concern on here I'm not sure what you want from any of us? Many of us are or have been in similar situations to yourself so are genuinely trying to support you based on our own knowledge and experience. What can any of us do to help you? Tell us what you want, and we can maybe tell you where/how to find it.
On another note, if your husband has Parkinsons/Dementia/Diabetes etc thenhe may even qualify for nursing home costs to be met by Continuing Health Care (CHC) funding from the NHS. It is usual for someone in your husbands position to be moved to a Discharge to Assess bed for up to 6 weeks after hospital (paid for by NHS) so that they can decide a full picture of ongoing care needs.
When this happened with my father, the Discharge to Assess (or D2A) nursing home applied for, and secured, CHC funding for him based on their assessment of his needs while he was with them.
So, all may not be lost financially yet.
Although you appear to be (quite rudely) rebuffing everyone's attempts to help, it's clear and understandable that you are overwhelmed and very distressed. Take a couple of days, skim through these comments, make a list of any actions you can take and questions you have, then do call the Alzheimers Society helpline. They really are helpful. They CAN give actual pointers and advice.
You have to start somewhere, you've done that by coming on here.
Try not to alienate everyone - it's hard. So many of us have been/are/will be where you're at, and ultimately, if you have no family or friends to help, you *do* have us.
Well, responses were just ignoring the legal and financial barriers I had already explained and suggesting I phone advice lines which I explained I've already done, they were and are closed at this point and last night anyway. That's the problem all the time. Nobody takes it all on board or actually does anything when I ask. That's rude and that's rejecting and frustrating and it keeps happening although I keep reaching out. Thank you for not helping. Again
I can't wait. I've had enough. Thank you for trying. The Unknown Unknowns are giving me a nervous breakdown.
I know all this already but I cannot hang on emotionally or financially any more. Too many Unknown Unknowns and no timescales. I'm broken. Goodbye
I'm not interested because it is quite clear I've taken lots of advice already and I cannot afford the emotional,financial and legal drain any more. The Unknown Unknowns and lack of timescales and no actual help have broken me. Goodbye
You haven't actually answered the question of what you want from us. We can't supply hands on help and assistance because we are an on line forum, but we are not on the outside looking in, we are a community of people who are/have been dealing with the problems of dementia.
Did you just want to come on to vent? If so, that is OK, we've all been there.
Might I make a suggestion, though? As you are considering walking away, why not allow yourself a weeks "holiday" away from visiting him. He will not "rot " in a week and you can sleep and plan what to do.
One thing you can do is start to sort out the hoarding. As his wife you can legally do this. I'm sure that he has said that it's his stuff and you mustn't touch it, but legally you can and he will only complain if he knows about it. So don't tell him. Start to get rid of the rubbish and broken sstuff and things may start to seem more positive.
Did you just want to come on to vent? If so, that is OK, we've all been there.
Might I make a suggestion, though? As you are considering walking away, why not allow yourself a weeks "holiday" away from visiting him. He will not "rot " in a week and you can sleep and plan what to do.
One thing you can do is start to sort out the hoarding. As his wife you can legally do this. I'm sure that he has said that it's his stuff and you mustn't touch it, but legally you can and he will only complain if he knows about it. So don't tell him. Start to get rid of the rubbish and broken sstuff and things may start to seem more positive.
Hi Alisongs, I sincerely hope you have managed to come through last night. You were/are in a bad way. Believe me, if many of us knew where you lived you would have had us knocking on your door and sitting with you. Unfortunately we can only help you through 'talking' on this very good and helpful forum. Please don't abandon it as at some point when things do get a bit better for you, we'll still be here. Just keep on here and eventually things will become clearer for you. Honestly there is help out there if you'll take it. Many suggestions have been given, follow them up if you feel able to. I wish you all the best and hope you have some peace and happiness in your life.
sorry you felt it was all unhelpful. we can only do what we do which is why the helplines would have been good as they know a lot more than i do and at least you would have a more clear understanding. keep talking and posting. we will do our best .
Hello, @Alisongs . I realise that you felt the forum was unhelpful and therefore you may have decided not to log in again. However, in case you do, I’d like to encourage you to consider the excellent advice @canary has given you. You have clearly reached carer burnout and are so overwhelmed that you are seeing only one way out, which seems to be to remove yourself entirely from the whole situation.
In fact, taking a break from the situation may do you some good. Your husband is in hospital and from what you have said is not only safe and cared for, he is unlikely to be discharged home. While he is there, he is the responsibility of the NHS and possibly Social Services. I would explain to the hospital that you are unable to care for him and then let them get on with the job of sorting out his future needs. In the meantime, book into a b&b for a few days and forget about the house.
It’s obvious that you find evenings and weekends especially stressful, when help is harder to come by, but things may look brighter next week when organisations and helplines are open again. Perhaps a telephone conversation with a solicitor may be sufficient to clarify what you can and can’t do with the contents of your home (I don’t know if it’s jointly owned) but as you are married, will or no will, you do have considerable rights.
I know that the “unknowns” at this point are causing immense frustration, but from an outsider‘s perspective, I think things are moving in a positive direction, albeit slowly and you may be in a greater position of strength than you think.
if you have specific questions that the members of this forum (or the Alzheimer’s Society as a whole) may be able to help with, then please ask them and we’ll do our best.
In fact, taking a break from the situation may do you some good. Your husband is in hospital and from what you have said is not only safe and cared for, he is unlikely to be discharged home. While he is there, he is the responsibility of the NHS and possibly Social Services. I would explain to the hospital that you are unable to care for him and then let them get on with the job of sorting out his future needs. In the meantime, book into a b&b for a few days and forget about the house.
It’s obvious that you find evenings and weekends especially stressful, when help is harder to come by, but things may look brighter next week when organisations and helplines are open again. Perhaps a telephone conversation with a solicitor may be sufficient to clarify what you can and can’t do with the contents of your home (I don’t know if it’s jointly owned) but as you are married, will or no will, you do have considerable rights.
I know that the “unknowns” at this point are causing immense frustration, but from an outsider‘s perspective, I think things are moving in a positive direction, albeit slowly and you may be in a greater position of strength than you think.
if you have specific questions that the members of this forum (or the Alzheimer’s Society as a whole) may be able to help with, then please ask them and we’ll do our best.
Unfortunately, changing the law of the land is outside our powers, no matter how unfair they may seem. Neither is it our fault that you chose to post late on a Friday evening when everything is closed.
Please try listening to us instead of shooting us down at every given opportunity and there's a good chance that someone will be able to help.
@Alisongs I hope you are still here online and haven't done anything rash. I haven't read everything you have written but I can just reassure you on one point - you can apply for deputyship under the Court of Protection and the costs come out of your husband's funds. I applied for it on behalf of my mother and did most of the work myself by filling in the forms. At the same time you can put in the application that a property needs to be sold and ask for permission for that. The cost of the application can legitimately be recovered from your husband's account. I had to go to a solicitor as my case was a bit complicated regarding my mother's house ownership (I had a beneficial interest having part-paid for it) and a trusteeship was involved. There were other factors too but your case should be straightforward.
Go to the Citizens' Advice for help completing the forms which should be fairly straightforward. By the way, I believe you are entitled to half your husband's pensions and any joint accounts.
Please don't give up, try to stay rational. Take one step at a time.
Go to the Citizens' Advice for help completing the forms which should be fairly straightforward. By the way, I believe you are entitled to half your husband's pensions and any joint accounts.
Please don't give up, try to stay rational. Take one step at a time.
Hi @Alisongs
From what you have said, yes it is clear that your OH needs to be discharged from hospital - when they regard him as medically suitable for discharge - direct into a care/nursing home that can deal with and manage his condition.
Although you are now married, one adult is not legally liable for the financial upkeep of another adult. The NHS and/or Adult Social Services cannot make you pay from your assets for the upkeep / care fees or your OH, especially, of course, if you have got any money anyway. So you need not worry on that score.
However, if your OH does not have mental capacity to make a Will or a Lasting Power of Attorney, then he can't do so.
However, his money/assets etc will need managing and access to them will be required. For this you will need to get a Deputyship Order from the Court of Protection. You are best suited to do this, and its in your interests to be the one to manage his finances. Yes, there's a long form to complete (can be downloaded online), but you can get help with this from Citizens Advice Bureaux or Age UK. Yes, it will take ages as the Court of Protection is miles behind with their work. Yes, there's a Court fee to pay on application. All the info in on line or go the CAB or Age Uk who'll help.
If your house is owned by you and OH, then as a spouse over 60 you are entitled to live in the house, and its value will be disregarded in any means testing financial assessment of your OH.
Just as well you're get works pension!
Attendance allowance - it's not for your OH to decided whether or not he wants to apply or not - after all, you've said he doesn't have the mental capacity to make that decision or any decision like that. It's a question of whether he needs attending to - does he need help dressing, washing, going to the toilet, etc? During the day? During the night? Yes, there's a form to fill in, but again CAB or Age UK can help you if you want. He may not get the Attendance allowance whilst he's in hospital, but it will be v useful in contributing to payment of care home fees in due course.
There is no need to panic, but things do have to be gone through carefully. If at all worried seek help.
I know it's easier to say than do, but a good sleep and calm head and approach will assist greatly.
Best wishes, and a virtual hug.
From what you have said, yes it is clear that your OH needs to be discharged from hospital - when they regard him as medically suitable for discharge - direct into a care/nursing home that can deal with and manage his condition.
Although you are now married, one adult is not legally liable for the financial upkeep of another adult. The NHS and/or Adult Social Services cannot make you pay from your assets for the upkeep / care fees or your OH, especially, of course, if you have got any money anyway. So you need not worry on that score.
However, if your OH does not have mental capacity to make a Will or a Lasting Power of Attorney, then he can't do so.
However, his money/assets etc will need managing and access to them will be required. For this you will need to get a Deputyship Order from the Court of Protection. You are best suited to do this, and its in your interests to be the one to manage his finances. Yes, there's a long form to complete (can be downloaded online), but you can get help with this from Citizens Advice Bureaux or Age UK. Yes, it will take ages as the Court of Protection is miles behind with their work. Yes, there's a Court fee to pay on application. All the info in on line or go the CAB or Age Uk who'll help.
If your house is owned by you and OH, then as a spouse over 60 you are entitled to live in the house, and its value will be disregarded in any means testing financial assessment of your OH.
Just as well you're get works pension!
Attendance allowance - it's not for your OH to decided whether or not he wants to apply or not - after all, you've said he doesn't have the mental capacity to make that decision or any decision like that. It's a question of whether he needs attending to - does he need help dressing, washing, going to the toilet, etc? During the day? During the night? Yes, there's a form to fill in, but again CAB or Age UK can help you if you want. He may not get the Attendance allowance whilst he's in hospital, but it will be v useful in contributing to payment of care home fees in due course.
There is no need to panic, but things do have to be gone through carefully. If at all worried seek help.
I know it's easier to say than do, but a good sleep and calm head and approach will assist greatly.
Best wishes, and a virtual hug.
