Talking about people who have passed away years ago but thinks it has just happened

[Bantu]

My mother has vascular dementia, and is talking about people who have passed on. Some days, she tells me she has just heard that her mother has died. Other days she tells me one of her brothers may be dead but she will find out. Both her mother, father and two brothers have died. Each time she talks about one of them, the tale differs as in how they died, where it was, she thinks they may have died but doesn't know for sure. I also think that what she is telling me at different times about one of them is a mixture of how they all died.
As I'm ringing her from Australia, I am unsure if what I have been doing is the correct way to deal with it.
I just listen and let her tell me all about the bad news she has. I don't disagree with her as how can I tell her no mum your dad died when you were in your teens, your mum when I was 18 months old (I'm 53).
Am I doing the write thing in just letting her talk, or should I come right out and say, mum they died years ago.


Bantu

 

[blandford516]

Hi Bantu,

My mum also has Vascular dementia .Unfortunately she talks about her parents and has no recollection they passed over 10 years ago . Her brother also passed away last year , again no recollection and she often tells me she sees them often walking down the corridor . She calls for her mum often which is heart breaking , but you are doing the right thing . I just go along with it all except one day mum did ask for her mum and she then turned around and said 'she has gone hasn't she ' on that occasion I stroked her hand and replied yes . But she has forgotten again . All I know is for mum it is real they are all still alive and they visit her . If that gives her comfort ( but makes me very sad as I miss them all ) then so be it .

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Hi Bantu,
I think you are doing the right thing by just going along with the flow. Telling her the truth would probably only upset her and that would not accomplish anything.

You might want to try changing the subject if you personally find it distressing but as long as your mother doesn't seem too upset, I would just go with the flow.

My mother would worry about her parents (both died in 1970) and ask how they were. I would reply "They're fine - same as always". She would also want to visit and I would agree but say "Let's go the day after tomorrow because I have things to do tomorrow". That seemed to reassure her.

 

[Bantu]

Thank you both for your comments they were both helpful in dealing with this situation. The last thing I want to do is to upset her, so will continue to change the subject. I have also agreed at times that when I come back over we will check things out. You are right, she does forget what has been discussed. Thank you


Bantu

 

[Ann Mac]

I struggle with this issue - Mil, although this is slightly less frequent now, used to often talk about her late husband, wondering where he was - and before she moved in with us, she had even on a few occasions, phoned the police to report he hadn't come home from work/the club, or go walking the streets in the early hours of the morning looking for him.

Just recently, its her long dead parents, especially her mother, that she talks about as though still alive. Ditto with the two brothers who have passed - and occasionally, completely the opposite, she will 'break the news' that she has been told that her last surviving brother has passed away too (he hasn't).

I wish I could take the same approach that you are able to take, Bantu, as to me it seems much the kindest thing to do - however, Mil has 'flashes' of insight, and too often, having told her that her 'Husband' is at work/coming home later, she will suddenly remember he is dead - and her anger and grief at what she sees as outright lies from myself or her son is immense. The natural grief at realising the loss is compounded by the embarrassment and shame she feels at 'forgetting' something so important, and she feels we have treated her like a fool by not being honest Now, when she asks where her Mum is, or have we heard from her brothers, or what time do we think her husband is picking her up, we gently ask her to 'have a think about it, love' - and 99 times out of a hundred, she remembers herself. Its still heartbreaking - but she seems to cope with the grief at their loss better than when she has the added upset at realising we have 'lied' to her.