Social services are **** and I'm really stuck.

[RedLou]

It also depends on the stage of life of the carer and the relationship to the one needing care. If it's a spouse you've taken a 'better or worse' vow that you may find a quiet satisfaction in fulfilling. If it's a parent, who's had their life, and you have commitments to others, be they partners or children, then who do you 'neglect' and who do you put first? And all too often the one neglected is the carer.
In short, no one automatically comes 'first.' It all depends on the circumstances. I am deeply discomforted if the OP is made to feel guilty in her own thread. The one thing I feel absolutely fanatically about in this awful experience of dementia is that NO guilt should be felt by any carer, and TP should be a safe haven from the infliction or perpetration of it.

 

[Moonflower]

I agree RedLou. So much guilt is being felt by people who are knackering themselves doing their very best
I do what I can for my mum, but it's not enough, and never could be unless I gave up work. I have a daughter with long term health problems, she needs me too. And I'm working 7 days a week to try to make up for some of the income I lost (I'm self employed) whilst trying to look after mum and dad. My husband works abroad for most of the time now - he took overseas contracts when we needed the money because I couldn't work as much because mum and dad needed me. We're stuck with it now. This has gone on for so long, and I do feel guilty when mum complains that I don't do enough. But I can't put her first any more - the price we have all paid is just too high as it is. I have no social life, and no time off. Dementia is a horrible illness

 

[Delphie]

It also depends on the stage of life of the carer and the relationship to the one needing care. If it's a spouse you've taken a 'better or worse' vow that you may find a quiet satisfaction in fulfilling. If it's a parent, who's had their life, and you have commitments to others, be they partners or children, then who do you 'neglect' and who do you put first? And all too often the one neglected is the carer.
In short, no one automatically comes 'first.' It all depends on the circumstances. I am deeply discomforted if the OP is made to feel guilty in her own thread. The one thing I feel absolutely fanatically about in this awful experience of dementia is that NO guilt should be felt by any carer, and TP should be a safe haven from the infliction or perpetration of it.

I completely agree.

One thing I'd add is that so often the carers seems to run themselves into the ground, trying to avoid/postpone residential care, and yet the result is still a very unhappy 'loved one'.

In such a situation, a prompter move into residential can provide a good result for at least one side of the equation.

 

[sleepless]

One thing I'd add is that so often the carers seems to run themselves into the ground, trying to avoid/postpone residential care, and yet the result is still a very unhappy 'loved one'.

In such a situation, a prompter move into residential can provide a good result for at least one side of the equation.

I agree with you, Delphie.

Can I just say once again that in my remarks earlier I was in no way referring to the OP? And I would not wish to cause anyone any hurt, or to feel guilty or anything. I think I have just been upset by the language used on some threads, wondering how it could be read by someone new to dementia and TP. I was really upset reading of the person left alone -- maybe I need to toughen up.