So bizarre !
- Thread starter Ann Mac
- Start date
Ann - I'm relieved in a way. It was, as you say, always going to happen, and in a way it is best it has happened immediately, rather than ups and downs, hope and despair or frustration. You will have a chance now to look forward rather than being stuck in a time loop, knowing you did more than anyone could possibly have asked you. & it does seem as if MiL is now more settled in a CH style environment so best for her, too.
Amy - glad you reached in-laws' successfully - look after yourself.
JM/Raggedy A - been thinking of you.
Amy - glad you reached in-laws' successfully - look after yourself.
JM/Raggedy A - been thinking of you.
Ann, so sorry you had to experience that, but I think you have seen so clearly what underlies it all. I truly believe you and OH are doing the best for mil given the way dementia manifests for her. Hope all goes as smoothly as it can as you move into the next stage of your caring. x
Thanks everyone
Yep, I think we had both seen the abrupt decline just before she went into hospital, and whilst I think we were right to insist that she stayed there until they did as they were supposed to do and try and sort out her medication (because it might have worked!) I also think that she quickly adjusted to an institutional setting and that for a lot of reasons, she has now reached a stage where that sort of environment suits her better. The staff nurse last night told us that if a patient requires one to one support, then the staff providing the one to one only do an hour 'on duty' at a time. Any more and not only is it too exhausting for the staff, but also the pwd can focus in on just one person after an hour or so, and its actually more likely to cause them to kick off. When OH is in work, and Mil isn't in DC, we can spend 12 or 13 hours with just me doing the caring and being her focal point, so I am going to get blamed for everything, I am going to be the villain - I must be, if I'm the main person she is interacting with, because it isn't her 'fault' that she feels confused/upset/scared - so it must be mine.
Spoken to DC - the bed has been filled, but Mil is down for the next one that becomes available. Just have to hope that its soon.
Yep, I think we had both seen the abrupt decline just before she went into hospital, and whilst I think we were right to insist that she stayed there until they did as they were supposed to do and try and sort out her medication (because it might have worked!) I also think that she quickly adjusted to an institutional setting and that for a lot of reasons, she has now reached a stage where that sort of environment suits her better. The staff nurse last night told us that if a patient requires one to one support, then the staff providing the one to one only do an hour 'on duty' at a time. Any more and not only is it too exhausting for the staff, but also the pwd can focus in on just one person after an hour or so, and its actually more likely to cause them to kick off. When OH is in work, and Mil isn't in DC, we can spend 12 or 13 hours with just me doing the caring and being her focal point, so I am going to get blamed for everything, I am going to be the villain - I must be, if I'm the main person she is interacting with, because it isn't her 'fault' that she feels confused/upset/scared - so it must be mine.
Spoken to DC - the bed has been filled, but Mil is down for the next one that becomes available. Just have to hope that its soon.
Ann, I haven't posted before but have been following this thread for some time. I'm just amazed at what you and your OH have done for your MiL - and totally humbled by it. If I could cope just half as well with my Mum when things get really hard, I'd think I had done well. I'll keep my fingers crossed that the next phase and the move into a care home is smooth - unlike many of your experiences. All the best, Sue
Ann I am so sorry that you had to face the vitriol so early after her return.
Yes there can be what ifs and should I have done and even is it me..... but ( to use the phrase that I hate) at the end of the day...it is Dementia.
Violence, knowing or unconcious, can never be accepted. It might be aimed at you today, at your daughter tomorrow, and a stranger next.....
Now is the time to start developing a family life apart from MIL. You have such a lot on your hands just now...OH's new job, Daughter's school, your health, your job prospects and son and elder daughter too.
MIL will be loved and cared for...just not to the detriment of your family.
Well done for starting the process....x.x.
Yes there can be what ifs and should I have done and even is it me..... but ( to use the phrase that I hate) at the end of the day...it is Dementia.
Violence, knowing or unconcious, can never be accepted. It might be aimed at you today, at your daughter tomorrow, and a stranger next.....
Now is the time to start developing a family life apart from MIL. You have such a lot on your hands just now...OH's new job, Daughter's school, your health, your job prospects and son and elder daughter too.
MIL will be loved and cared for...just not to the detriment of your family.
Well done for starting the process....x.x.
Ann, I feel a mixture of sorry, sad, and relieved for you all. I suspected it might be like this and do think you've done the right thing but know it's very difficult. Will be thinking of you all in the days to come and do hope MIL can be settled at an appropriate facility ASAP. Hugs.
Hi Ann, what can I say?
I think you are lucky that everything happened on the first day AND that OH was there. Also that dau wasn't involved. She's a lovely girl, but mils behaviour would, I think, been a step too far.
I think you have coped well above the call of duty throughout the last few years. Have a good break now! Always assuming your hip is better!
Never worry that you haven't done enough! You've coped with far more than anyone I know would, or even could, have. No worries there!!
Look after yourself!
I think you are lucky that everything happened on the first day AND that OH was there. Also that dau wasn't involved. She's a lovely girl, but mils behaviour would, I think, been a step too far.
I think you have coped well above the call of duty throughout the last few years. Have a good break now! Always assuming your hip is better!
Never worry that you haven't done enough! You've coped with far more than anyone I know would, or even could, have. No worries there!!
Look after yourself!
(((Ann))) I guess you might be having very mixed feeling just now. Please know that you did everything you possibly could for MIl, above and beyond what many of us (myself included) could even consider.
Even now, your over-riding concern is for MIL's wellbeing rather than your own.
I'm glad the meltdown happened when OH was there, my blood runs cold at the thought of you having to deal with that level of aggression on your own. I know you would not have struck back and, I'm, fairly sure, would have been reluctant to use even gentle restraint to protect yourself against raised fists etc.
It's a shame a bed is no longer available at the DC place. Are you going to wait until one is available or look around at other alternatives? I know you had some concerns about the most recent respite admission.
I hope you will now have some time to sort out your daughter's schooling issues and to look after your own mental and physical health.
Amy, I'm sorry FIL's results were not more definitive
I hope he is tolerating the chemo well. My friend had her first dose of chemo recently and was in hospital needing IV antibiotics just 2 days later!
Spamar, are you happy with your hairdo?
Thank you all for your input re Mum. At the moment I am not sure what is likely to have the best outcome - contacting GP, Memory Clinic or poking Adult Services!
Even now, your over-riding concern is for MIL's wellbeing rather than your own.
I'm glad the meltdown happened when OH was there, my blood runs cold at the thought of you having to deal with that level of aggression on your own. I know you would not have struck back and, I'm, fairly sure, would have been reluctant to use even gentle restraint to protect yourself against raised fists etc.
It's a shame a bed is no longer available at the DC place. Are you going to wait until one is available or look around at other alternatives? I know you had some concerns about the most recent respite admission.
I hope you will now have some time to sort out your daughter's schooling issues and to look after your own mental and physical health.
Amy, I'm sorry FIL's results were not more definitive
I hope he is tolerating the chemo well. My friend had her first dose of chemo recently and was in hospital needing IV antibiotics just 2 days later!Spamar, are you happy with your hairdo?
Thank you all for your input re Mum. At the moment I am not sure what is likely to have the best outcome - contacting GP, Memory Clinic or poking Adult Services!
Well done for trying Ann.
Sad for you that it didn't work out but be content that you both give it 101 per cent.
At times I got scared that my mum was going to hurt me so I know how you feel.
More than anyone I know you gave it your best shot.
Sad for you that it didn't work out but be content that you both give it 101 per cent.
At times I got scared that my mum was going to hurt me so I know how you feel.
More than anyone I know you gave it your best shot.
Hi slugsta, it was only a cut and blow dry, no major changes! It seems to be growing so fast these days. Does hair grow faster in the summer?
I did have a load cut off last autumn, a relief! Mine is 'short' hair, doesn't grow much past my shoulders! But it's so much thinner than it was when I was young ( all together, ahhhh). But I never had time for bothering when looking after OH. Was quite relieved to get it cut short!
Tomorrow is the man to do a yearly service on gas boiler, followed by fish and chip lunch at Dunwich ( Suffolk coast) with friends. Let's hope it stays dry. Not keen on the seaside in the rain! Unless I'm going swimming if course, doesn't matter then!
I did have a load cut off last autumn, a relief! Mine is 'short' hair, doesn't grow much past my shoulders! But it's so much thinner than it was when I was young ( all together, ahhhh). But I never had time for bothering when looking after OH. Was quite relieved to get it cut short!
Tomorrow is the man to do a yearly service on gas boiler, followed by fish and chip lunch at Dunwich ( Suffolk coast) with friends. Let's hope it stays dry. Not keen on the seaside in the rain! Unless I'm going swimming if course, doesn't matter then!
Ann, you deserve some sort of medal for seeing MIL through so much of her journey. And we've all learnt a great deal from your clear thinking descriptions of how it all happened.
What's happened was inevitable, and you couldn't possibly have done any more. Now you deserve peace, and freedom from all those worries.
I hope your daughter's difficulties can be resolved. I'm sure they will, with someone like you at her side.
Please look after yourself....you are one very special person....
What's happened was inevitable, and you couldn't possibly have done any more. Now you deserve peace, and freedom from all those worries.
I hope your daughter's difficulties can be resolved. I'm sure they will, with someone like you at her side.
Please look after yourself....you are one very special person....
Ann - what a day you had on Monday. In honesty I am glad things went pop so quickly and with OH present. You know you did your best and it didn't and couldn't work. Hopefully MIL will settle back into the ward routine (except for the next full moon!) and a local bed can be found quickly. Amazing what you managed when they never do more than an hour one to one.
I hope you have progressed with issues re dau and school as well.
Amy - if chemo isn't making your FIL too poorly it is always a positive, and it sounds like your MIL is accepting some help. Hope you all are enjoying each others company.
Slugsta - hope you have managed to prod someone re your mum, from reading TP different things seem to work in different areas, although ultimately if she needs SS to fund it that seems to be the one to be pestered.
Dau has been doing work experience this week, and so I've had to drop her off and pick her up, reduced hours at work so had to catch up a few today. Dau is still not over most recent illness, which is stressing OH. I went to new parents night at high school for son, as he starts in Sep and dau got really stressed about him going there when she was so miserable. This also stressed OH so it all kicked off whilst I was at school. We think son will be fine, but I made sure I went to special needs queue and got him on the list for help with laptop, can't be worse than last school. Fed up of having to battle, but so it goes on.
I hope you have progressed with issues re dau and school as well.
Amy - if chemo isn't making your FIL too poorly it is always a positive, and it sounds like your MIL is accepting some help. Hope you all are enjoying each others company.
Slugsta - hope you have managed to prod someone re your mum, from reading TP different things seem to work in different areas, although ultimately if she needs SS to fund it that seems to be the one to be pestered.
Dau has been doing work experience this week, and so I've had to drop her off and pick her up, reduced hours at work so had to catch up a few today. Dau is still not over most recent illness, which is stressing OH. I went to new parents night at high school for son, as he starts in Sep and dau got really stressed about him going there when she was so miserable. This also stressed OH so it all kicked off whilst I was at school. We think son will be fine, but I made sure I went to special needs queue and got him on the list for help with laptop, can't be worse than last school. Fed up of having to battle, but so it goes on.
Hi everyone,
Amy, hope all is going well for you, hun and glad that your Mil sounds like she is accepting some help. Must be a really scary time for her, as well as for your Fil and the rest of you xxxx
R-Anne - was it yesterday that you met with the manageress of the home, with a view to respite? I have fingers and toes and everything crossed that it went well and that you are finally going to get a break xxxxx
Slugsta, I joined the realms of the very short haired, yesterday - well, shorter than I have had it since I was very, very young, anyway. It feels very odd, cut into the nape of my neck, but the family all reacted with some flattering comments, so I'll get use to it - just hoping its not going to take much time to keep it tidy!
And again, thank you, everyone xxx I'm 99% certain that we have done as much as we could and that there is now no alternative for Mil - which doesn't stop me wishing it could have been different, of course. We've visited, and she has no recollection of coming back here, and has stopped asking to come here too - instead, in all the visits since Monday, she has been full of her confabulated plans about how she is off to Limerick, either 'tonight' or 'tomorrow'. She asks for a lift to the train station, says she is either packed or must pack when we have gone, tells us she has spoken to her brothers and will be staying with each in turn. She tells us what she will be paying for tickets, describes clothes she is taking - the details are pretty amazing. And we have just been able to go along with it, because she is going 'tonight or tomorrow' - but not right NOW. And that makes all the difference.
If I needed more 'reassurance' that we have made the right decision, it came yesterday, with a phone call from the hospital telling us that Mil had hit another patient. The other patient (same one as last time, when they had us up in the air, talking about 'pova's') is very 'in your face', and quite intimidating. She is also very tall - which is why, it seems, Mils punch landed on her upper arm, rather than her face! Hospital have to inform us by law, we were told, and there will be follow up's to see what the hospital can do to prevent it happening again. OH then took a later phone call, something about Mils meds, but he had trouble following what was being said to him as the person talking had a heavy accent and the phone line wasn't brilliant for some reason. Next time there is a doctor on the ward when we visit, I'll have to follow it up. Hoping it doesn't mean she is back on the slippery slope of 'lots of medication' being prescribed, because of this latest incident there.
Meanwhile, the battle with the school continues. In response to my angry email (and reading it back, boy - I was angry!) I had a reply where the acting head told me that the 'Govenor appointed' to deal with the teacher incident had retired due to ill health and the head was now arranging for another Govenor to take over. That was followed by two separate letters which contained incomplete snippets of information taken out of context, and a claim that if I wanted to take the complaint to the next stage, I would have to now write to the Board of Govenors - which of course completely ignors that I have written already and contradicts the email where the head acknowledges that its already gone to the Govenors and has been delayed due to one of 'em retiring. There has been NO response to the bullying incident at all, other than that the head 'hasn't yet had the opportunity to speak to the staff involved' - its been 9 days, now! I've chased it all up with the LEA, and I now have to gather all letters and emails, print them out with a chronilogical brief account of what has happened and send the whole lot to the Chair and vice-chair of the Governors again. I have to get it all in quickly - made more difficult because I hadn't realised I was close to running out of ink and now must wait for a delivery (hopefully tomorrow) - and if there is no response within the 15 days, follow it up with the LEA - only that brings us to the end of term - and then what? Furiously angry still. It seems the school can play 'delay and ignore' as they wish, probably in the hope that I will lose the will to live and give up, and there is no way to 'make' them play by their own rules if they chose not too.
Other news includes that I've already applied for several TA jobs - fingers crossed that I at least get interviews, but slightly worried by a friend who is a TA, who says that there may be a problem with me being considered 'over-qualified' Just have to hope.
Take care all, hope you all manage to have a good day xxxxx
Amy, hope all is going well for you, hun and glad that your Mil sounds like she is accepting some help. Must be a really scary time for her, as well as for your Fil and the rest of you xxxx
R-Anne - was it yesterday that you met with the manageress of the home, with a view to respite? I have fingers and toes and everything crossed that it went well and that you are finally going to get a break xxxxx
Slugsta, I joined the realms of the very short haired, yesterday - well, shorter than I have had it since I was very, very young, anyway. It feels very odd, cut into the nape of my neck, but the family all reacted with some flattering comments, so I'll get use to it - just hoping its not going to take much time to keep it tidy!
And again, thank you, everyone xxx I'm 99% certain that we have done as much as we could and that there is now no alternative for Mil - which doesn't stop me wishing it could have been different, of course. We've visited, and she has no recollection of coming back here, and has stopped asking to come here too - instead, in all the visits since Monday, she has been full of her confabulated plans about how she is off to Limerick, either 'tonight' or 'tomorrow'. She asks for a lift to the train station, says she is either packed or must pack when we have gone, tells us she has spoken to her brothers and will be staying with each in turn. She tells us what she will be paying for tickets, describes clothes she is taking - the details are pretty amazing. And we have just been able to go along with it, because she is going 'tonight or tomorrow' - but not right NOW. And that makes all the difference.
If I needed more 'reassurance' that we have made the right decision, it came yesterday, with a phone call from the hospital telling us that Mil had hit another patient. The other patient (same one as last time, when they had us up in the air, talking about 'pova's') is very 'in your face', and quite intimidating. She is also very tall - which is why, it seems, Mils punch landed on her upper arm, rather than her face! Hospital have to inform us by law, we were told, and there will be follow up's to see what the hospital can do to prevent it happening again. OH then took a later phone call, something about Mils meds, but he had trouble following what was being said to him as the person talking had a heavy accent and the phone line wasn't brilliant for some reason. Next time there is a doctor on the ward when we visit, I'll have to follow it up. Hoping it doesn't mean she is back on the slippery slope of 'lots of medication' being prescribed, because of this latest incident there.
Meanwhile, the battle with the school continues. In response to my angry email (and reading it back, boy - I was angry!) I had a reply where the acting head told me that the 'Govenor appointed' to deal with the teacher incident had retired due to ill health and the head was now arranging for another Govenor to take over. That was followed by two separate letters which contained incomplete snippets of information taken out of context, and a claim that if I wanted to take the complaint to the next stage, I would have to now write to the Board of Govenors - which of course completely ignors that I have written already and contradicts the email where the head acknowledges that its already gone to the Govenors and has been delayed due to one of 'em retiring. There has been NO response to the bullying incident at all, other than that the head 'hasn't yet had the opportunity to speak to the staff involved' - its been 9 days, now! I've chased it all up with the LEA, and I now have to gather all letters and emails, print them out with a chronilogical brief account of what has happened and send the whole lot to the Chair and vice-chair of the Governors again. I have to get it all in quickly - made more difficult because I hadn't realised I was close to running out of ink and now must wait for a delivery (hopefully tomorrow) - and if there is no response within the 15 days, follow it up with the LEA - only that brings us to the end of term - and then what? Furiously angry still. It seems the school can play 'delay and ignore' as they wish, probably in the hope that I will lose the will to live and give up, and there is no way to 'make' them play by their own rules if they chose not too.
Other news includes that I've already applied for several TA jobs - fingers crossed that I at least get interviews, but slightly worried by a friend who is a TA, who says that there may be a problem with me being considered 'over-qualified'
Just have to hope.Take care all, hope you all manage to have a good day xxxxx
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Apologies for no responding individually. Tired and overwhelmed. Hope all is as well as possible for everyone
Definitely some family dynamics and stress here but overall positive. FIL had chemo today and a long nap so he was up late, and SIL (his daughter) and I kept him company. He was quite chatty and I heard a lot of good stories. Worth missing the sleep! A long day of child minding (and the puppy!), laundry, and cleaning and a massive grocery shop (with the able assistance of my favourite niece, so more fun than it sounds).
But I'm sorry to report that my mother, back home where I live, was taken to the ER/A&E today for abdominal pain and they found something on the CT scan. Likely nothing major, but keeping her overnight and doing more tests tomorrow. Getting that call when I'm hundreds of miles away was a nightmare come true. They've arranged for her to have 24-hour one-to-one care but I'm still terrified of how confused and sundowning and distressed she must be and of course no idea how this will play out and I'm not due to return home for over two more weeks. Also worried about the effect of the hospital stay, especially after hearing stories here. My husband spent most of the day and evening with her but is very busy at work and also trying to help a friend in crisis and can only do so much. So I'm okay but more than a little overwhelmed. I got some chocolate at the store tonight and hope to get some wine for myself before too long.
Thanks for listening and best wishes to you all.
Definitely some family dynamics and stress here but overall positive. FIL had chemo today and a long nap so he was up late, and SIL (his daughter) and I kept him company. He was quite chatty and I heard a lot of good stories. Worth missing the sleep! A long day of child minding (and the puppy!), laundry, and cleaning and a massive grocery shop (with the able assistance of my favourite niece, so more fun than it sounds).
But I'm sorry to report that my mother, back home where I live, was taken to the ER/A&E today for abdominal pain and they found something on the CT scan. Likely nothing major, but keeping her overnight and doing more tests tomorrow. Getting that call when I'm hundreds of miles away was a nightmare come true. They've arranged for her to have 24-hour one-to-one care but I'm still terrified of how confused and sundowning and distressed she must be and of course no idea how this will play out and I'm not due to return home for over two more weeks. Also worried about the effect of the hospital stay, especially after hearing stories here. My husband spent most of the day and evening with her but is very busy at work and also trying to help a friend in crisis and can only do so much. So I'm okay but more than a little overwhelmed. I got some chocolate at the store tonight and hope to get some wine for myself before too long.
Thanks for listening and best wishes to you all.
Oh Amy, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum - I can imagine how worried you must be, and how helpless you must feel being so far away. I really hope that its turns out that it is only an overnight stay needed and that it doesn't have too much of a detrimental impact on her. Its good that she has one-to-one support though. When Mil had that, it made a big difference when she was sent ot the medical wards with infections - I hope it helps your Mum just as much. Sending big {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} xxxx
Afternoon all,
(((Amy))) I am sorry to hear about your mother's illness - especially when you can do nothing about being so far away Isn't it just typical?! I do hope her problem turns out to be nothing serious and that the change of surroundings etc does not make her mental state worse.
Ann, will you ever be able to just relax and enjoy life for a while? To have all this business with your daughter, just as you get MIL into residential care, seems so unfair It does seem that the school are delaying things until the end of term - but perhaps they are working to resolve things in ways we cannot see (and maybe the earth is flat after all . . . ).
It does sound as if that particular lady brings out the worst in MIL! Am so glad that they have told you what happened in, it seems, a calm and rational manner, rather than they way they reacted last time!
I hope you like your short hair Ann I had mine short for some years (having been down past my bra strap when I got married) while I was swimming, running, cycling etc. I have finally realised that it is actually easier for me to manage when it is longer! When it was short it needed washing and blowdrying every day and cutting every 4 weeks. Now I wash it twice a week (after aquagym), have it cut every 8 weeks and can pin it up if I am having a bad hair day.
I took a new blister pack of meds to Mum on Wednesday - it had not been touched this morning. Of course, she swears that she has been taking them and I have learned, from you good peeps, that it is not worth arguing with her! I have emailed 'adult services' and said that, as a vulnerable adult, she is at great risk if not taking her meds correctly as these include drugs for her thyroid and blood pressure as well as the donepezil for dementia. I will let you know if I get any response!
Today, for the first time, I had a pair of very wet knicks and trousers with the washing. I don't know whether she was not wearing a pad (I send her knickers back with a pad already applied these days) or whether it was to much for the, light, pad to hold. Obviously, I hope this was a one-off at this stage but will keep an eye on the situation. Off course, Mum doesn't help things by trundling down to the communal loo in the lobby of the flats, rather than using the one in her own flat! No idea why she does this, but I'm told it is a regular thing
Its fairly dry and bright here today. I do hope everyone sees some sunshine during the course of the weekend
(((Amy))) I am sorry to hear about your mother's illness - especially when you can do nothing about being so far away
Isn't it just typical?! I do hope her problem turns out to be nothing serious and that the change of surroundings etc does not make her mental state worse.Ann, will you ever be able to just relax and enjoy life for a while? To have all this business with your daughter, just as you get MIL into residential care, seems so unfair
It does seem that the school are delaying things until the end of term - but perhaps they are working to resolve things in ways we cannot see (and maybe the earth is flat after all . . . ).It does sound as if that particular lady brings out the worst in MIL! Am so glad that they have told you what happened in, it seems, a calm and rational manner, rather than they way they reacted last time!
I hope you like your short hair Ann
I had mine short for some years (having been down past my bra strap when I got married) while I was swimming, running, cycling etc. I have finally realised that it is actually easier for me to manage when it is longer! When it was short it needed washing and blowdrying every day and cutting every 4 weeks. Now I wash it twice a week (after aquagym), have it cut every 8 weeks and can pin it up if I am having a bad hair day.I took a new blister pack of meds to Mum on Wednesday - it had not been touched this morning. Of course, she swears that she has been taking them and I have learned, from you good peeps, that it is not worth arguing with her! I have emailed 'adult services' and said that, as a vulnerable adult, she is at great risk if not taking her meds correctly as these include drugs for her thyroid and blood pressure as well as the donepezil for dementia. I will let you know if I get any response!
Today, for the first time, I had a pair of very wet knicks and trousers with the washing. I don't know whether she was not wearing a pad (I send her knickers back with a pad already applied these days) or whether it was to much for the, light, pad to hold. Obviously, I hope this was a one-off at this stage but will keep an eye on the situation. Off course, Mum doesn't help things by trundling down to the communal loo in the lobby of the flats, rather than using the one in her own flat! No idea why she does this, but I'm told it is a regular thing
Its fairly dry and bright here today. I do hope everyone sees some sunshine during the course of the weekend
