So bizarre !

[Onlyme]

With Mil and the magpie tendencies, I'm just shocked that this was so very deliberate and it was clear she knew that the blanket wasn't hers - it was all very childlike, I felt, very sneaky and a real pouty response when caught!

I think you can safely say your MIL has entered the "Gollum" stage. Everything is hers, if someone has something she wants it,all of it NOW. I remember a friend's sons born very close together went through this. The eldest would stuff his face with the fruit that was to share just so his brother couldn't have it. The child couldn't swallow but he still did it to stop anyone else even though he often choked.

she has me working in a cafe, a hairdressers, in the army, as a nurse and heaven knows how many other jobs, all on a very regular basis. And she always looks so puzzled when (usually without thinking) I say something like 'No, not the army, Love

But those are the jobs you do so why would she think different?

 

[Grace L]

Morning….
AnnM…. I think MiL is ‘spot on’…. Onlyme, beat me to posing a comment….

She thinks you are a Nurse? You do nursing duties . You help her get washed and dressed, give medication.

Thinks you work in a cafe? You cook, keep everyone fed and watered….

Army? Might be that you tell her what to do . Issue ‘orders and instructions’…..

Hairdresser? You do her hair every day……


I think MiL was having an off day.
When she couldn’t find X (whatever it was) it upset her, and sent her into a panic…
The more she looked, the more mess she made looking, making her more flustered.

MiL has bags of ‘stuff’ everywhere. Carrier bags +++ stuffed full of ?? I have no idea.
Things she has collected from Charity Shops, Church Fund raising tables….
LOADS of books … not the sort that she would have EVER read…..
If anyone was having a clear out, MiL would take bags of bric a brac ….


Fire Brigade …
MiL lives in a cul-de-sac of similar bungalows, at the end of a small ‘Close’.
Most of the residents are elderly, a lot of them are frail.

Fire Brigade must be used to older people not using their smoke alarms…
The ‘old style’ smoke alarms, MiL could whack with a broom handle, and it would fall off the ceiling.

The newer ones (Fire Angels) , are more fixed, MiL can’t knock them down.
Someone would have to have stood on a chair and removed MiL smoke alarms.

MiL bungalow tiny, and a bit stuffy, the alarms can easily go off.
Fire Brigade will not be happy at seeing MiL bags of stuff everywhere, blocking doors etc…

Maybe??? They might contact SS and inform them of MiL or Vulnerable Adult team.

MiL at a stage where she can chat, say she will do X….
You will think, great, she will do as I have asked…. Ignore you, then do as she pleases.

I will ring them in advance and let them know.

Take care xxxx

 

[Onlyme]

We fitted the alarms in MIL's. Every time she knocked them down with a broom. We got told off for nor fitting them but I was able to show where they had been. We refitted them 4 times before we gave up.

 

[Ann Mac]

Morning all,

Had to chuckle when I read 'Gollum' stage, Lemony I think you are right. There's certainly an increased tendency for her to claim various items as 'hers' and usually the claims are accompanied with detailed confabulations about how and when she obtained these items. She'll spot a box of chocolates given to one of us as a gift, and demand we hand them over, swearing blind that she bought them for herself when she and her Mum went to the supermarket 'yesterday'. I've seen her pick up toiletry items in the bathroom, that have accidentally been been left where she can reach and had her furious when I've made her put them back as she will insist that she got whatever it is as a gift from someone. And when items that are not hers turn up in her pockets or bag when she comes home from DC, she usually gives me a detailed account of the shopping trip she has taken to buy them. Lol - she's even claimed ownership of this house (usually accompanied with demands that I 'get out, now') insisting that its always been in her family and telling me all about the person who left it/gave it to her! But the business with the blanket was a bit different, in that she seemed to know it wasn't hers and was being quite deliberately 'sneaky' about trying to take it anyway. She wasn't openly walking out with it, as she would have done if she really thought it was hers - it was hidden under her coat and she made very deliberate efforts to stop me moving the coat and finding it. No embarressment, just crossness at being caught and the inital response being 'But I want . . . ' (which is a phrase we hear quite a lot).

MiL has bags of ‘stuff’ everywhere. Carrier bags +++ stuffed full of ?? I have no idea.
Things she has collected from Charity Shops, Church Fund raising tables….
LOADS of books … not the sort that she would have EVER read…..
If anyone was having a clear out, MiL would take bags of bric a brac ….

Boy - I can relate to that, Grace! During the last 12 months she lived alone, Mil got increasingly unhappy about allowing any of us to go upstairs in her house for anything other than to use the loo, and we just went along with it. When she moved out, and we went into the bedrooms to start clearing the house, we found them all crammed with carrier bags (and bin bags) of 'stuff' - the wardrobes were full, drawers under the beds were full and every inch of floor space, in her two 'spare' rooms especially, was taken up with these bags. A mixture of odd items bought from charity shops and stuff she had bought from the shopping channels, cold callers and heaven knows where else. There were a couple of bin bag full of dolls, everything from Barbies to the large creepy china ones, books that we knew she would never have read, old handbags and hats, the oddest collection of second hand T shirts - some with very rude slogans, some with boy bands on the front - and for some reason, several packs of solar powered garden lights . We also found that most of her cupboards downstairs, under the stairs, her 'scullery' and her shed were filled with similar stuff. We also realised that a lot of letters and documents were mixed in with this collection, as well as personal stuff that we thought she would want to keep, so sorting it all, bag by bag, took an absolute age!

Both you and Lemony are probably right about why she assigns me so many different 'careers' - I do do her hair, her cooking, give her meds, take her to appointments and issue 'instructions (even if I do try and keep them as polite requests when I can) - so I guess its not strange that she thinks I do so many different 'jobs'

Mil was straight into a very cross delusion when OH picked her up last night, and for the first while after she was home, we were all treated to lectures about how stupid we are, as we all know she doesn't finish work in the cafe/laundry/shop till 7pm and she was now likely to get the sack because we had picked her up so early! I told OH he should have flipping left her there till 7, as she was going on and on and on about it, constantly interupting and pestering us each in turn, up and down to follow one or the other of us round and complain about the 'situation'. In the end, OH went to 'Shhhhhh - or go to your room to calm down!'. Tea put an end to that particular notion, and she was amazingly quiet afterwards. About 8-ish, she announced she had better be getting home now, OH cut her off with a very stern 'Don't you bloody dare start that one' (Guess who was watching the footy? ) and surprisingly, she just stopped! And that was it! Bedtime, I got a few moans about me 'helping her' (Did I think she was a child or some sort of imbecile, and couldn't manage?, she asked as she attempted to remove pop socks without removing her slippers and couldn't work out why they wouldn't come off her feet!) but it wasn't too bad. About 30 minutes later, dau went up to bed and we had to intervene as Mil had her TV on and blasting way too loud, but not too bad to settle it and all quiet afterwards.

The school contacted me yesterday, over a slightly different matter that they seem to be blowing out of all proportion (perhaps trying to distract from the other issues?) and in the end I lost patience with them and blasted the deputy head, making it clear that I would now be escalating the complaint. Poor dau is really stressed out and I am furious. The email is ready to go, and will be going later today, unless they contact me and persuade me that the whole thing is now going to be handled in the correct manner. I'm not holding my breath.

Son is being collected from uni today, I still intend to have my couple of hours at the zoo whilst OH picks him up - I need a couple of hours R&R after Mil over the weekend and the hassle with school! Oldest phoned last night to let me know that she has 3 training days at the start of her two week break, so won't be here till a week on Wednesday - but at least she will be home for a good bit of her Easter break, so not complaining. And its only about 3 weeks till respite

Hope you all have a good day xxxxd

 

[RedLou]

The school contacted me yesterday, over a slightly different matter that they seem to be blowing out of all proportion (perhaps trying to distract from the other issues?) and in the end I lost patience with them and blasted the deputy head, making it clear that I would now be escalating the complaint. Poor dau is really stressed out and I am furious. The email is ready to go, and will be going later today, unless they contact me and persuade me that the whole thing is now going to be handled in the correct manner. I'm not holding my breath.

Go Ann! How very sneaky of them. Don't they realise you are an old hand at people trying to manipulate you to get their own way?

On the collecting rubbish - now you come to mention it, about a year or more before my father's diagnosis he asked me to go out and help him 'sort out' the flat. Got there, started sifting through his 100 shirts on hangers, throwing away the ones with frayed collars and cuffs (he was okay about that but promptly went out and got another load!) but then came across pieces of cardboard (old boxes flattened or cut up) on his wardrobe shelves. I wasn't allowed to throw those out in case they came in useful. Wasn't allowed to throw away the old magazines he never read (mainly computer ones but also some teach-yourself-guitar(!) ones) which were stacked on the floor of his bathroom and sitting room. I explained they were a trip hazard but no… I am a total minimalist - being in a house fire has made me utterly opposed to collecting tat because the sight of our possessions, drenched in water, on the morning after made me aware of how materialistic I must have been and how we didn't actually need half the rubbish we collected. --So we had a few heated arguments that stay as I wasn't sure why he asked me out to help and then refused to let me do anything. Now, of course, I realise…

 

[IzzyJ]

RedLou and AnnMac, as well as Grace, I do feel for you with all the collected stuff and not being allowed to throw any of it away. My mum was a complete magpie/shopaholic, to the point where my dad cut up her credit cards when she was still out and about on her own, because she was running way beyond their means. He died before her diagnosis, but I think she was early Alz back then. But the bags and bags of new unworn clothes and toiletries that we found in her cupboards in the last year! She had an entire cupboard full of soaps! Not sure if she was afraid of being 'dirty' - after a poor childhood - or if she thought we might be in need of a wash ourselves! She didn't actually help herself to anything, she just spent any money she had in her purse on whatever caught her eye.

AnnMac: speechless at the way the school is reacting. It looks like that email is going to be sent. I really hope they get a grip, for your sake and your daughters. You just don't need any more stress (like you need telling that).

Bad night last night. Pacing around since the early hours, mind churning. The positive of that was the incredible early frost and then fog as the sun came up. The light was beautiful.

 

[RedLou]

Ah Izzy, be kind to yourself. Maybe go for an aromatherapy massage to help with relaxing?

 

[Spamar]

I didn't have a full house, I had a full workshop! No, not a shed!! Even my cousin, a builder, found tools that he hadn't got in OHs workshop! Not sure what I'm going to do with them all.

 

[RedLou]

Ebay or gumtree them, Spamar. Stipulate buyer collects.

 

[IzzyJ]

RedLou, you are full of brilliant ideas today, thank you

 

[Spamar]

It's a thought, Red. Haven't done anything like that before and some of them I have no idea what they are! Some belonged to my father. Bit ironic that!

 

[Slugsta]

(((Izzy))) hope you are able to switch-of and relax.

(((Red))) the house fire must have been terrible for you!

Ann, I agree that the school seem to be throwing up a smokescreen - or trying to. Sorry that you have this on your plate too I hope you managed to enjoy some time at the zoo, that son gets home safely and that you have the quiet evening- and weekend - that you deserve. 3 weeks til respite? Hurrah!

Spamar, selling the tools sounds a great idea! I would suggest giving them to a local sheltered workshop,or some such, but it all sounds like hard work to find one and make contact.

For the first time since my op, I went with hubby and Mum shopping this morning. Mum wasn't great, possibly a reaction to the excitement earlier in the week. At one stage she said that she didn't know how to get the messages off the 'thing'. We suggested mobile phone. 'No, not that'. Ansafone at home? 'No, that's easy' At which point we ran out of ideas! 'That thing you put in your pocket' she said to hubby and he remembered that he had taken her TV remote to put new batteries in. So he explained that he had returned it but that it wouldn't need to be' answered' anyway. 'Yes it does' said Mum 'when it rings'. Not sure that we every really got to the bottom of that, she certainly continued to look inconvinced!

When we popped Mum's pressie round on Tuesday I had a quick chat to the staff and asked if they had enjoyed the cake we left for them. 'What cake?' so I went to get it from the fridge, where we had left it wrapped in clingfilm and labelled. Gone! It seems that Mum is the person who tends to purloin things from the fridge on a fairly regular basis, so it's likely that she took it. It's not a big deal, it could be argued it was her cake anyway - but I do hate the fact that she is taking things!

 

[Onlyme]

. At one stage she said that she didn't know how to get the messages off the 'thing'. We suggested mobile phone. 'No, not that'. Ansafone at home? 'No, that's easy' At which point we ran out of ideas! 'That thing you put in your pocket' she said to hubby and he remembered that he had taken her TV remote to put new batteries in. So he explained that he had returned it but that it wouldn't need to be' answered' anyway. 'Yes it does' said Mum 'when it rings'. Not sure that we every really got to the bottom of that, she certainly continued to look inconvinced!

This was the thing that flagged up that Mum had issues. She couldn't tell the difference between the remote and the telephone. She would try to change the programme with the telephone and try to answer the remote control. It became impossible to call her.

 

[Ann Mac]

Morning everyone,

Isn't it so very strange how the same symptoms and behaviours crop up time and time and time again? The wanting 'home', the delusions about animals and children - and the hoarding/constant purchasing? (to name but a few!). The house fire must have been awful, Red - and no doubt increased your worries about your Dad as obviously, all that 'stuff' would add to any fire risk

I hope last night was a better night for you IzzyJ - you do need to be 'kind to yourself', as Red says xxx

Ebay or Gum tree are a good idea, Spamar - easy to do a search and see what price is fair, and if you state 'Buyer collects', hopefully, not much hassle for you to get rid quickly and easily

It could be that tiredness after your Mum's exciting week caused the 'blip' and confusion over the remote control, Slugsta - but, I must admit that my experience has been that with things like that, specific confusion over what items are for (or just forgetting how to use them) tends to start off as occasional 'blips' and then usually slowly but surely increase. Mil knows what the remote is, but her ability to use it varies enormously from day to day (or even hour to hour) and instances where she just hasn't a clue and stands there pressing random buttons are increasing. She also knows what the phone is and what its used for, has never demonstrated any confusion over that - but I don't know how competent she would be at remembering how to use it - if she would realise she has to press a certain button for the dialing code before she dials the number, if she would be able to press numbers in order, etc, etc . Not that I'm about to risk finding out, mind you. She has been far too handy at ringing 999 in the past, so the phone is usually hidden out of her reach.

I think both OH and I struggled with Mil's 'magpie' tendencies at first, just in terms of we were horrified at the idea of her her stealing - just something she would absolutely not have previously done, and I guess you feel the same over your Mum and the cake. Gradually we have realised that she (mostly) doesn't see it as taking something that isn't for her or actually hers, she (again mostly - the attempted blanket theft the other day was a diiferent story, lol) guenuinely believes that the food or the items have been bought by her, or given to her or she has been told to take them. Our main concern now is the worry that she may take an item that is important to another pwd and cause them some upset - she would most cerrtainly notice if 'Paddy' (the toy leprachaun) went missing, so who's to say that someone else at the home/DC wouldn't be upset by their teddy going missing? - or even cause their relatives some upset. We see plenty of completely understandable posts on here from carers who have been upset by their loved ones possessions going 'walkabout' in CH's or respite. Its got to the stage now where I regularly check her bag (and pockets) either after she has gone to bed, or before she gets up in the morning, so that I can hopefully find any purloined articles and get then returned asap. (Incidentally, I've checked this morning, but all I found was quite a collection of sweet wrappers!)

Enjoyed the zoo yesterday, though I had to give up on the butterfly house, the humidity was horrendous and as I was only there for a few short hours while OH picked up son, I gave up after 35 minutes and my lens still fogging up every few seconds. I'll have to save that one for when the weather outside the house isn't such a contrast to the weather inside it!. On the plus side, I got some sweet shots of a new baby Banteng (type of cattle) who was on public show for the first time, some nice pics of the dwarf mongooses (first time I've seen them out!) and various other pics that I'm happy with. I'll just have to try for the butterflies and the baby rhino (also in hiding yesterday) next time I go.

OH and son got caught in trafic and by the time we got home, it was after the school had closed. Not wanting to send the email, have it generate the auto 'out of office' response and perhaps be overlooked, I'll now send it on Monday - the school, according to callers list on phone, had made no attempt to contact us

OH picked Mil up, again quite shocked by how she was decidedly underwhelmed by son being here - no excitement, no awareness (it seemed) that he isn't here all the time - such a big contrast to even a few months ago. All peaceful till after tea, when she began to sundown and went on and on and on for about an hour and a half. Would OH take her home now? They had to get back to their mother (she was certain OH was her brother for much of last night), She had told her Mum she was 'coming home tonight', so she must go now. Could she phone her Mum? Could she phone home? Over and over, OH really gently explained that she lives here, and talked with her about what had hapened to her Mum, each time she would seem to accept (albeit grudgingly) that he was telling the truth, but then a moment later, would start again. In the end, OH put a film on, which seemed to work - but I must admit, I was a bit fed up. I don't watch much TV, just a few programmes that I enjoy - but with the TV so often being 'taken over' by the need to keep Mil 'calm', I now have programmes stacked up on the planner that I'm beginning to doubt I'll ever get chance to watch It doesn't usually bother me, but last night it just rankled - especially as she had been pretty good the night before and OH had been able to watch his football!

She was quite calm at bedtime, no problems getting her settled - but, i have had to guide her back to bed twice since 5a.m. - each time, she has thought that she has to get up for 'work' but has accepted (with relief) when I've said that its the weekend and she can have a 'lie in'.

Its her 75th tomorrow - we are feeling very guilty that we are not making a big thing of it, just a few presents and cards We just don't think she can handle anything more without getting agitated and upset. I'll cook as nice a meal as I can manage, and throw in her favourite pudding of a trifle, but thats as far as we dare take it - its so sad

Hope you all have a good day xxxx

 

[RedLou]

All I want to say is: you have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about. She is SO SO lucky to have you. And a trifle will probably make her happier than anything else could anyway, Ann!
Glad you got some hours at the zoo. Look forward to the photos.
On the fire - it always annoys me when I read those 'What would you rescue from a burning house?' things some of the newspapers throw into Q&A interviews. People always say they'd save some possession. I actually exited our burning house and all I cared about was getting the dog out safe. & then I realised the tortoise was upstairs in its run and went back for him! In that situation you don't care a bean about possessions. The fire brigade were amazing, though - they made a priority of saving photographs and bits and pieces they could see meant something, ignoring - for example - my clothing. My gay dentist says he'd have been hopping around screeching, 'Burn the teddies, just save the Prada!'

 

[Ann Mac]

All I want to say is: you have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about. She is SO SO lucky to have you. And a trifle will probably make her happier than anything else could anyway, Ann!
Glad you got some hours at the zoo. Look forward to the photos.
On the fire - it always annoys me when I read those 'What would you rescue from a burning house?' things some of the newspapers throw into Q&A interviews. People always say they'd save some possession. I actually exited our burning house and all I cared about was getting the dog out safe. & then I realised the tortoise was upstairs in its run and went back for him! In that situation you don't care a bean about possessions. The fire brigade were amazing, though - they made a priority of saving photographs and bits and pieces they could see meant something, ignoring - for example - my clothing. My gay dentist says he'd have been hopping around screeching, 'Burn the teddies, just save the Prada!'

'Burn the teddies, just save the Prada' Brilliant

It would be family, pets - and camera gear, in that order, for me!

Yep common sense tells me that its probably kinder, in terms of ensuring less upset for her, not to make a big fuss. But I keep remembering 26 years ago, when Mil and Fil came to the big birthday party I organised for my grans 75th, and Mil saying to me that if she got to be 75, she hoped I'd do something similar for her, because she felt it was such a lovely day. I promised I would, and though I know it can't be helped, that you can't always keep pre-dementia promises, it just feels sad.

 

[Batsue]

Ann, I think you are right to keep the birthday celebrations low key, my mum no longer likes lots of noise and fuss and she wasn't all that bothered by a special meal that I cooked. She enjoyed the two glasses of sparkling wine more than anything else.

 

[Onlyme]

A couple of years ago I gave Mum flowers and we opened her cards together. She became upset that she was 100 (she wasn't) and all her family were dead (no, invisible) and sat and sobbed. The next year I took her flowers and placed her opened card under them as she was passed understanding them.

Ann just go with the flow and see how she is. You can always put up a few balloons if necessary

 

[marionq]

Just noticed Ann that your MIL shares my birthday ie 20th March. I will be 72 and she will be 75. What a chance event life is. I do believe I still have all my marbles and thus far am in good health whereas my own mother at this age had numerous health problems after a life time of hard work and never with a day off work.

Your MIL sounds like a very difficult customer and when John has me on edge with his odd behaviours I think of you and others with a much harder row to hoe.

Happy Birthday to the lady anyway. I am going for lunch tomorrow to a restaurant at the side of Loch Lomond and my daughter and grandchildren will keep me entertained.

 

[IzzyJ]

Onlyme: the response to birthday / other celebration is so unpredictable, isn't it? How sad for you that your mum was so unexpectedly upset. I found my mum's last birthday and Christmas really upsetting, because she always adored all the anticipation, the cards and presents and all the razzmatazz, but we didn't even get a flicker of interest, even at the Christmas tree. Very polite thank yous for presents but didn't know what to do with unwrapping etc. And the difficulty of recognising what something new actually is, in a different context. A new cardigan in wrapping paper doesn't look like a cardigan?
AnnMac, the way that the same confusions and behaviours crop up on so many posts - I keep struggling and struggling to understand the illness (because understanding helps me to deal with things). Is it regression into older, really solidly ingrained memories, or something to do with the specific part of the brain that is damaged? Yet when the memantine was working last year, for about 6 months my mum could often sort of resurface from the fog and the 24 hour sundowning behaviours, so the damage couldn't have been permanent at that time, could it? I think you, as such a brilliant, caring dau-in-law, need to do something nice, as you have planned, but accept that it is as much for you and your family as for MiL, if that makes sense. You are an inspiration anyway.

Thank you so much, RedLou, Slugsta, for your caring comments. Things pass, I know, and everyone on here helps so much.