1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

so alone i am not wonder women

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by bel, Dec 11, 2006.

  1. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    i know i am not alone trying to make things as normal as possible for as long as possible but because of childhood etc etc how do i know i cant deal any longer nothing more than you all do But its getting harder cooking cleaning etc etc runing a buissness caring paying bills being supper women i am not
    love bel x
     
  2. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi bel
    When mums social worker visited mum and me he said we could get carers in to help mum wash and dress , we are on a waiting list for a sitter, i can also get help with the housework ,ironing etc.....does your area offer this?
    love xx
     
  3. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    There is no such thing as wonder woman - and I should know, I use the picture to hide my inadequacies. But there are people like you, Bel, and other people on this site (and many, many more who are not on this site - my Mum for instance) who are super in my eyes. You all continue caring even when it gets really tough. Having said that, there is also a time to let go a little and allow others to support you. We all need some of that and shouldn't feel bad about asking for it. I hope you can find some through your social worker, as Wendy suggests. {{hugs}}
     
  4. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #4 Margarita, Dec 12, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2006
    I know how you feel, that song keeps popping into my mind , I’m no super woman, can’t remember the rest of the song just that part, to much going on to even find time out to listen to my music own , when I get like that I know its time to make time for myself , or the stress will make me feel like screaming or getting depress all about it. And all come crushing down on me , and the house just looks more like a tornado has hit it lol no I sure ant no super woman anymore .

    So stop , listen to yourself . for me even if I got help with cleaning , washing its more to do with finding time to be on my own , doing something for me without worrying of rushing back , there always seem to be a time limit on my time , so have organised time out on Thursday with someone I know , and a friend going to sit with mum , something to look forward to help me , So like that, I feel more motivated, and get my daughter's to help more
     
  5. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    88
    Surrey
    You are a super woman do'nt put yourself down. We are all super women and men.:)
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,677
    Kent
    Dear Bel. No you are not super woman, you are so much more. You`ve made us laugh, you`ve made us cry, you`ve responded to cries for help, you`ve sympathized, you`ve empathized and now it`s getting harder.

    Oh how I know how you feel. We all do. Wouldn`t it be good to be able to put ourselves first, do what WE want to do, not be at the beck and call of our ever demanding partners, parents, spouses.

    But what`s the alternative? For most of us it`s unthinkable. For some of us, it`s a necessary evil. We are tired, fed up, sad, isolated. All because we are Carers.

    I wish I had an answer. Margarita, you seem to have found one way out, I hope you are able to make the most of it. That way out is not yet suitable for me, nor, I suspect, for bel. It may be one day. Till then..............? xx
     
  7. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    wonder woman

    thanks all
    i so much appreciate all of your support it means so much i cant tell you all how much i think some times am i in denial of hubbys dementia i know its getting closer to me not being able to deniy it but then i have lost him compleatly am i making it worse for him by trying to make things ok --
    love bel x
     
  8. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Dear Bel
    i don't think your in denial at all....and I think to make things as normal as possible for as long as you can is only a good thing......just go easy on you....you can't do everything.....
    love xx
     
  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #9 Margarita, Dec 13, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2006
    Grannie G
    Yes I can undertand that I think , but does it make you feel guilty then , just going out on your own finding time out for yourself with some friends or family if you had someone to sit with your husband i am wondering what is stopeing you , why is it suitable for me and not for you and bel ?

    PS

    wondering as I do Grannie when you said
    Sorry if I am wrong but are you are coming from the relationship side with your husband not having that anymore, where I am a single woman looking after my mother, I could have a relationship with someone, that is if I could find someone that would understand that I want to care for my mother , that’s hard to find in a man now days and at my age , so have put all that on the back bench for now .
     
  10. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    785
    Buckinghamshire
    Finding help

    Dear Bel,
    I think what you are saying with your post is that you are ready to accept some help in order to maintain 'normality' for as long as possible (i.e. running your business, as well as your home, and also caring for hubby).
    Have you had a carer's assessment?
    I don't know whether it works the same anywhere in the UK, but I think you are entitled to a carer's assessment through your CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse), who is attached to your surgery, or through Social Services. If you are not sure where to start, could you talk to your GP about it?
    Between these various agencies, they should be able to come up with some support package for both yourself and your husband. Depending on your needs (as we all know, everyone's situation is unique), this could be in the form of carers for your husband while you concentrate on your business, and often, these carers will take on light housework, which would help you, too. You may also be entitled to some sitting services, which would allow you to 'escape' for a little while, do something on your own, with friends, with your lovely grandchildren ..... the important thing is that you put pride to one side, ask for help, and then 'go for it'! I know from my own experience that this is easier said than done, and I am yet to master the 'time to myself' bit, but one step at the time should at least ease the situation a little bit to start with.
    Take care of yourself, and let us know how you get on!
     
  11. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    you are right

    dear nutty nan you are right

    words of wisdom i am so puddled but you made an awful lot of sence
    love bel x
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,677
    Kent
    Dear Margarita, In my experience, there is a difference between caring for a parent and caring for a spouse or partner. I have cared for my mother and now I care for my husband.

    With my mother, who didn`t live with me, there was no problem getting respite for her, as I was working, couldn`t afford to stop work, and was just doing my best to keep her safe. I didn`t have the relationship with her that you seem to have with your mother. We were not that close.

    My husband sees me as his lifeline, is very frightened I might have an accident, if I go out, and he may be left to look after himself. He knows he is unable to do that and he`s scared he will end up in a `mental home`.

    Because I understand his anxiety, I choose, for the present, not to have respite care. I would not be able to relax.

    If I have to go out and leave him at home, maybe just to get a paper, I phone him after I`ve crossed each road, that`s how nervous he is.

    But everyone is different and every relationship is different. I would never sit in judgement of anyone who finds different solutions to me. We all have our own ways of coping.

    I hope you`ll be very happy in your new home, whichever one is decided on. Do you know yet? Love Sylvia x
     
  13. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    37 years of marriage

    thanks all for your support advise needed i like other spouses care 24-7
    he is my husband lover and now God forbid child
    i am nothing special you all do a lot better than me
    But it is so hard for spouses and children to deal with i cant say who is suffering worse we all are cant we all try to get things moving re making a differance for dementia --for the future i am sure you all feel the same can we not make a difference to the future
    love bel x
     

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