Stop the unpleasantness

[BeeBeeDee]

I am struggling with my husband - he causes arguements so much and I read how you shouldnt argue with them. This is very hard as he goes on and on and on - sort of goading me to respond. If I don't respond he makes some snide comment like Oh dont answer me then or Ok doesn't it matter then - but in a nasty tone of voice.
He questions and questions me but doesnt understand my answers so sometimes I tell him it doesnt matter and he goes on and on that it does matter and I should explain to him - which only results in unpleasantness and I feel I can't win as if I dont answer he tells me I should and if I do answer he doesnt understand.
Sometimes I mistakenly make a flippant remark, for example about something on the TV - I sort of think out loud then he goes on and on about what was I talking about and if I say it doesnt matter now (the person I commented about has now gone) he says well why did you say it if it doesnt matter. I do try to stop myself from thinking out loud but sometimes its out my mouth before I know it.
Is there some trick or something I can do or say to stop him going on and on and on.

 

[Kevinl]

Sorry but there is no answer, from me, anyway.
Eventually it wears you down like water running over stone, eventually it will carve away the stone, might take years but everything does wear down, even carers.
Very hard biting your tongue and saying nothing, easier said than done especially when it's one on one care 24/7 you're facing.
I sympathise with you entirely but other than that no practical advice other than get him assessed and if you have one contact your local AZ Society, there is help available. K

 

[jennifer1967]

i tend to say whatever or whatever you say or oh really, anything to diffuse the situation then go and make a cup of tea. no its not that easy but thats what i try. in my head, i say to myself that he doesnt know what im thinking and i can think what i like. just brings control back quietly. i suppose its finding something that he cant bite on. then i put my head in the paper, book, do a crossword. there is a link i cant do about compassionate communication. that may have clues as well.

 

[velademar]

I am struggling with my husband - he causes arguements so much and I read how you shouldnt argue with them. This is very hard as he goes on and on and on - sort of goading me to respond. If I don't respond he makes some snide comment like Oh dont answer me then or Ok doesn't it matter then - but in a nasty tone of voice.
He questions and questions me but doesnt understand my answers so sometimes I tell him it doesnt matter and he goes on and on that it does matter and I should explain to him - which only results in unpleasantness and I feel I can't win as if I dont answer he tells me I should and if I do answer he doesnt understand.
Sometimes I mistakenly make a flippant remark, for example about something on the TV - I sort of think out loud then he goes on and on about what was I talking about and if I say it doesnt matter now (the person I commented about has now gone) he says well why did you say it if it doesnt matter. I do try to stop myself from thinking out loud but sometimes its out my mouth before I know it.
Is there some trick or something I can do or say to stop him going on and on and on.

I am struggling with my husband - he causes arguements so much and I read how you shouldnt argue with them. This is very hard as he goes on and on and on - sort of goading me to respond. If I don't respond he makes some snide comment like Oh dont answer me then or Ok doesn't it matter then - but in a nasty tone of voice.
He questions and questions me but doesnt understand my answers so sometimes I tell him it doesnt matter and he goes on and on that it does matter and I should explain to him - which only results in unpleasantness and I feel I can't win as if I dont answer he tells me I should and if I do answer he doesnt understand.
Sometimes I mistakenly make a flippant remark, for example about something on the TV - I sort of think out loud then he goes on and on about what was I talking about and if I say it doesnt matter now (the person I commented about has now gone) he says well why did you say it if it doesnt matter. I do try to stop myself from thinking out loud but sometimes its out my mouth before I know it.
Is there some trick or something I can do or say to stop him going on and on and on.

No easy answer I'm afraid, I just say yes you're right dear and walk into another room. In a few minutes he's forgotten the exchange any way so I don't get upset any more. It's hard but you just have to get used to the idea that they are not the person they were and no amount of arguments will change that sadly, it will just get you upset if you try to. Count to 10, breathe, and put the kettle on xxx

 

[Grannie G]

I used to walk away @BeeBeeDee I`d leave the room and busy myself with anything or take a walk round the garden.

Then I`d make a cup of tea and take it in to my husband.

If he had calmed down I sat with him. If not, I left the room again.

If it`s any consolation, this stage doesn't last for ever.

It`s tough I know.

 

[canary]

I'm afraid that no amount of reasoning or explaining will work once they lose logical thinking and they are no longer able to understand.

You just have to say or do whatever will keep them calm and move their thinking on from what is worrying them. If that involves "being economical with the truth" (or telling downright porkies), then so be it.

 

[SherwoodSue]

You have explained the situation BeeBeeDee that I almost feel I am in the room with you. So tiring.
I think this is the time to focus on the carers needs too.
Do you have carers coming in so that you can have regular scheduled breaks?
Could you investigate men’s sheds type places where your husband could attend?

I don’t think he will take to it kindly but you need to protect yourself from carer burnout

 

[Cardinal]

I don’t have experience with what you are going through but from what you’ve said your husband sounds verbally aggressive. I’m wondering if you could bring this up to his GP. The GP might be able to prescribe a medication to make him less easily agitated.

Hopefully others on this site can give input as to whether this is possible or if this is a phase that will eventually pass.

 

[JaxG]

Hi @BeeBeeDee I have had a similar experience. Any innocuous remark would spark extreme anger and verbal abuse. I found there was nothing I could say that would calm my husband, If I said nothing he was angry, if I agreed he was angry, he would follow me around the house, block my way, even make threats. All I could do was leave the house and hope that he would calm down. Sometimes he would remember, sometimes not, but this constant aggression breaks you. It was so bad I contacted SS and he was prescribed anti psychotic medication, and over time it did help.
I don't think there is a 'trick' that helps. It might help to leave the house for a while, but do consider contacting your doctor and see if you can get some support.

 

[Saddy]

Sorry but there is no answer, from me, anyway.
Eventually it wears you down like water running over stone, eventually it will carve away the stone, might take years but everything does wear down, even carers.
Very hard biting your tongue and saying nothing, easier said than done especially when it's one on one care 24/7 you're facing.
I sympathise with you entirely but other than that no practical advice other than get him assessed and if you have one contact your local AZ Society, there is help available. K

Very true. It can affect your own mental well being too. It just gets worse I couldn’t handle it anymore . My Husband has been in a care home for 15 months.

 

[Tavy]

Wow, there really are some fantastic carers around, and I don't mean to speak with a sycophantic tone.
My OH has VD and I recognise all the things that are written and having been together for 61 years realise every day that my OH is not the person I started out with all those years ago.
OH is 80 and I am 78, we have no kids, they bogged off years ago when we stopped giving them money, and no other help available, so we spend every day together which is tiring.
I have recently taken on a carer not for the OH but for me, the carer comes every other Friday and stays with the OH so that I get a day off, first time I felt selfish but now know that my health is so important because if I'm ill what the hell happens?
Because we have more that the massive amount of £23,250, I have to pay for everything from our savings, I recently applied for Attendance Allowance and was told that I do not give the OH enough care so go get knotted, I am appealing.
Where o where would I go if I had an emergency?
I feel we are all in the same leaky boat with nothing but a sieve to bail out with.

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @Tavy i sorry that you were turned down for Attendance Allowance. When you are appealing, try to describe your OHs care needs on their worst days/nights. Don’t hold back, describe every little thing that you have to do because of the dementia. I hope the appeal is successful.

You are right, a regular break from caring is inportant for a carers well being, it is just a shame that you are having to pay for it. Unfortunately this seems to be more and more common.

 

[jennifer1967]

Wow, there really are some fantastic carers around, and I don't mean to speak with a sycophantic tone.
My OH has VD and I recognise all the things that are written and having been together for 61 years realise every day that my OH is not the person I started out with all those years ago.
OH is 80 and I am 78, we have no kids, they bogged off years ago when we stopped giving them money, and no other help available, so we spend every day together which is tiring.
I have recently taken on a carer not for the OH but for me, the carer comes every other Friday and stays with the OH so that I get a day off, first time I felt selfish but now know that my health is so important because if I'm ill what the hell happens?
Because we have more that the massive amount of £23,250, I have to pay for everything from our savings, I recently applied for Attendance Allowance and was told that I do not give the OH enough care so go get knotted, I am appealing.
Where o where would I go if I had an emergency?
I feel we are all in the same leaky boat with nothing but a sieve to bail out with.

if needs be, get cab, age uk to help with the form, they know all the right words to use and how to put it. i had help with the form