sicut animam suam : 'it's just life'

[Palerider]

Thanks peeps -I feel I have something to move forward with that will keep me occupied rather than dwelling on that which cannot be undone.

This week while at work I got a phone call from the CH to advise me mums not great again and she is on antibiotics for cellulitis -my poor mum does not deserve this demise at all. But I recognised the voice on the phone and F is back off maternity leave and how pleased I was to hear her voice -I know my mum is in good hands again

 

[Sarasa]

So glad about the positive feed back on the PHD proposal. That'll keep you busy for a few years. Sorry to hear your mum isn't too good, but glad that F is back from maternity leave, so you can worry a bit less about her, easier said than done I know.

 

[Palerider]

So last night I set some things straight with my cousins on my dads side who have not made any effort to contact me since their cousins death of my sister least of all to ask me how their aunt is in several years. She contacted because she had done the Ancestray DNA and I came top of her list after complete silence. You can imagine my response and years of tension exploded. I wasn't rude but essentially I made my point. Do I feel bad or even guilty -no! I actually felt a great sense of relief and frankly I couldn't give a flying **** if it filters down to the other cousins whose names I have forgot!

 

[Palerider]

This week I am over the cousins inept and untimely text message -which to be fair did rub me up completely the wrong way, no doubt with so much pent up frustration and tension in general around family and their behaviours, to which I have no explanation and essentially no interest in anymore. I think I did over react when I told my cousin that her side of the family only ever seem to meet up at funerals out of a sense of a strangely curious sense of guilt and probable morbid curiosity -I think that went down like a lead brick in water -ooops!

Moving on -I visited mum but the visit was short lasting as she was bent on wandering round the unit which meant I can't walk with her due to the rolling outbreak of Covid, so rather than disturb her routine by moving her to the empty unit downstairs as the staff suggested I let her be, said my good bye and went to leave. I chatted with F who looks really well and asked about her baby. She looked great and as always she was fab with mum and updated me on things properly -something I have missed or a while

 

[Palerider]

And today my doctoral thesis opens in note form, I would like to share some of that journey in what I find that may be meanignful to us, that is people with dementia and their carers

 

[Palerider]

Here's a songI haven't heard in a long time but somehow it kind of makes me feel familiar with the now -don't ask because I just can't explain it

 

[Palerider]

I just did something really stupid that reminded me of my gran my mums mum and relistened to a Classic FM entry I proabaly shouldn't have listned to, but for one moment I felt like the world had gone backwards and my gran was here again...this all happened when I was driving home in an absolute downpour and even the road ahead became blurred.

I find my existence on TP an odd one, because nowhere else do I feel and think of everything and only wish that once was before would return again and I am sorry to some readers for this perpetual habit of mine, but where do the ties that bind us end? My story only finds strength in the women that have nurtured and led my life, whereas others face a completely different reality to me. I may have to leave TP because each time I visit it becomes more and more evocative and emotional as to why I am here in the first place....nd I don't even understand why I remain here anymore?

 

[canary]

Simon, I would say that there is a part of you that needs expression and this is a safe place to do do.
If you bottle it up it will fester.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Palerider

Why are any of us here when it seems unnecessary to be so?

It`s not only a link to the past because your mother is still with you. It`s a link to the present and as @canary said, a safe place to be.

There will come a time when your visits will be fewer and less frequent but until then, please use it for the reason it is here.

Even though your mother is still with you, she is not, and now you have mentioned your gran it really sounds as if you are dealing with loss on both counts.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I'm still here because of shared experiences. If I post something on the lifestyle or chat threads, I don't need to explain where I'm coming from, why I feel as I do. If I tell anyone else, I have to give some background and try to justify myself.

It's as simple as that really. Plus, I've made friends here

 

[Palerider]

Thanks @Grannie G , @canary and of course @Jaded'n'faded

I was telling Emma how I can be fine for days and then suddenly out of the blue something will trigger what I have come to call 'emotional days'. I have come to conlcude that we all endure reflection and thought on our own journey and perhaps when we reach what enough is then we stop. Some people call this 'closure', though I prefer 'moving forward' as closure is never possible to fully achieve as our memory serves us.

TP is an interesting space and one that allows me to think out allowed when no one else listens. Its true if I did not write on TP then things would fester @canary -and I am the worlds worse when pent up frustration and despair is let loose on some poor unsuspecting soul.

I think we never really appreciate the people in our lives until time passes and their abscence certainly does make the heart grow fonder. The people who have influenced me still do, but also adjusting to their lack of being present is not easy on some days when where once stood a familiar voice and guidance is only an emptyness.

Am I clinging on to all that is left? Your damn right I am! I can't always explain some of my entries because they are not always in the present, they are sometimes emotion and a sense of sadness in walking this wretched path mixed with how I am sure we all wish -that is, how things used to be.

I find for every two steps I move forward, I invariably take one step back -one day I will reach what is enough

 

[Palerider]

 

[Palerider]

Today I made my journey to visit mum and on the way I stopped off for a coffee for myself and two raspberry and almond bakes for mum. I no longer buy her coffee has she can't abide the taste of it anymore -after years of being an addicted coffee drinker, but such is this twilight world we venture into. It took 20 mins as the qeue was long and they were busy, one lady complaining that two had walked out with drinks who came after her. I thought is this going to be how it is today in everything I try to do?

The drive was always a choice between two different routes, one where mum last lived and our family home or the alternative driving where mum grew up and lived when she was young and her old family home and a place I also consider home in its true sense. I chose the latter, takeing in how much the village had changed over the years to barely recognisable, but still in my head were pictures of a time before as drove drove through.

Mum was on the unit somewhere and they had to go find her as she as usual had wandered off into the side corridor. I could hear her as they got her in the wheel chair to bring her to her room -she was as always funny to listen to, almost like that aspect of her has never changed. Our visit was very positive today she was with me for a fair while before got tired of talking and started to dose. Interestingly when I walked in and she saw what I had in my hand she was delighted, remarking how much she liked them. It seems she has rallied again for now, and I am glad this tiny frail old lady who is my beautiful mum is still with me. There are many things that we wish for in life, that I am sure, but still having a real connection with a lifelong friend for me is a gift that one day I know will end. I said I would see her next week and asked her for a goodbye kiss which she gladly gave and then as she dosed off I left -feeling a little teary but somehow different today.

Until the next time ....

 

[Palerider]

Today I had another counselling session, which is now my 7th. The sessions were extended to 9, so two more to go and then what happens ? Its always difficult to intiate at the start, but some how an hour goes by very quickly. I am thinking maybe I should think about continuing the sessions -we shall see.

This last week my world at home is as before with my MSc becoming embedded with books and academic papers littered everywhere downstairs -I keep on reassuring myself there is a method to my mess, as in unclear ideas and thoughts create the mess, but as they become more focussed so too does the mess. This week has been about backsteppping to the origins of what we hear about so much today about person-centred care and the work of a very eminent psychologist Carl Rogers who essentially is the father of person-centredness and worlds apart from the rhetoric we hear in health and social care today -but alas I have probably lost most of you already. It will all come apparent to anyone who is here in 4 to 5 years time including myself.

Today I visited mum and was met with a grumpy admin officer as the the guys that normally sort visiting were off on leave having missed it during the height of the pandemic. Anyway with that in mind I trudged up the stairs to mums unit and as I walked in she was in her wheelchair and whizzed passed me, as she did she said 'bye'. Mum is such a character even now. The visit today was more subdued but then she had just had lunch and also wolfed down her fave cake I took, not surprisingly within 15 mins she got very sleepy. She loved the flowers although I had to ask where her vase had gone which was promptly found and cleaned out. As usual I left but this time she was dosing so I did my usual kiss to her forehead and left.

Last weekend I picked up my classical guitar and actually played it, the first time in over two years. I wish I had a piano as that is my main instrument, but given my circumstances its not a good idea to have one until I finally settle, but do miss playing piano it was once my fave way of releasing emotion. The guitar has got quite dusty having stood on its stand for the last year since moving, so I have decided to wax the varnish and give its shine back. I don't know when next i will pick it up, but I am closer than I have been in a long time.

 

[Palerider]

So finally I have an update from the legal firm I instructed to act on mums behalf re: CHC funding. This appeal has been ongoing now since last April. The CHC in their ultimate wisdom have records they did not declare for three months after the appeal was first lodged, so mums legal firm want access to them and have applied to the care home, turns out the care home have still not sent the files. Given I am mums LPA its time for the order of the stamping of feet and pulling out of hair +/- nashing of teeth to the care home manager to produce said documents PDQ -?

 

[Palerider]

Busy week and very tired ?

I visted mum today and outside the care home was an ice cream van (they had rung round various companies to get one to pop along), they were taking those who could mobilise to get ice cream on this warm sunny day as the Covid regime has been lifted.

Mum was inside with her legs up resting as she was sleepy, but next to her a fresh ice cream had been deposited. I woke her up and gave her the ice cream with the spoon, which at first she thought was a drink with a straw, not surprisingly as she again did not have her specs on despite my repeated telling the guys she can't see properly without them ? -anyway she grasped the idea and I got great joy out of watching her scrape every last bit out of the container. Then I thought, oh well she can have her cakes later. Mum nodded off again and F was telling me she had been awake all night as usual. I said bye and told mum I would be back very soon with something special (Mother's Day) she managed to comment 'ooh thats nice' and was swiftly moving on to her second ice cream from which there was no distracting her.

 

[Palerider]

Last Sunday I visited mum and wished her a special Mother's Day even though again she was very sleepy we managed to talk and mum picked up her card. The flowers as always were success, but agian she had been up all night shuffling the corridors. I didn't make an entry last Sunday because I just didn't feel like writing anything -one of those numb days I guess.

At the end of this month my niece (my sisters daughter) is getting married, so its a drive up to the Lake District and a Harry Potter themed wedding ?. I feel this time things will be very different without my sister being there. The only other immediate family besides their brother, sisters and dad is me. I feel guilty as they have paid for my room overnight -but I will sort that out. Its odd how much we take our families for granted when they are present with us and only when they are not present do we realise how lucky we were. I have declined a lift to The Lakes with the BIL because he will talk me to death about astronomy ? -once he's had a few drinks he'll lighten up?.

One ticket to Hogwarts

 

[nitram]

At the end of this month my niece (my sisters daughter) is getting married, so its a drive up to the Lake District and a Harry Potter themed wedding

And you will be attending dressed as ?????????
Hope the weather improves.

 

[Palerider]

And you will be attending dressed as ?????????
Hope the weather improves.

I prefer Tolkien and my character is of course Gandalf, but he's not in the Potter stories -erm Prof Snape

 

[Palerider]

The last week or so I have been reading some principal ontological arguments on what it means to be a person and what it means to have personhood. These two terms are words many of us are unaware of in day to day life and are highly contentious issues because they are mostly conditional when a person is a person and when they cease to be a person which also includes personhood. It all gets very messy until we say ok regardless of all the other conditions, lets say that the most important thing is that a person in terms of moral status is someone who can suffer, but then we get to what is mean't by suffering and who can suffer and who can't and then we get to more rediculious ideas around relative personhood. Relative personhood is an ambiguous term because it depends on us as indiviuals in how we behave to another person relative to us and then we get into all kinds of various arguments some for good and some evil.

But besides all of the ontological rhetoric, what makes us a good person?