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sicut animam suam : 'it's just life'

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,127
North West
Time will tell!
It won't @nitram there are other buyers and I only accepted this offer because there was a direct letter of plea to remain in their same community they grew up in which my mum being a true local would have wanted more -but if their solicitors can't behave and accept the terms then there is nothing more I can do. The house is a fine house and the purchasers know it...they have grown up seeing it everyday
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,127
North West
I meant time would tell whether the buyers ignored the solicitor or not
Ah yes I see....sometimes instinct is best. I hope they do buy and no insult to anyone reading my comments but the best anaology was in the last version of Vicar of Dibley words of which I won't repeat....those towners taking over our village -erm words to that effect beginning with W
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,127
North West
You know set me back to thinking the point at which I was accepted as a Londoner -about 13 years and only because my East End mates kept me in check and they wouldn't say yes until I got it...a year later I left London:rolleyes:....oh well!
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,127
North West
So I am sat drinking 15 year old Glenfiddich a wee dram or two. I am not one for spirits generally but this old horse somehow lets me relax at the end of the day and besides who would give a piper less in their musical bid.

@nitram has helped to solve part of a puzzle but the rest by god I feel relentlessly un-cured. How does a lone carer deal with the decisions they made -I don't know but I do know I want to be set free from this constant dark cloud. How can I be in a situation where I do the only thing and then feel tortured. Who actually cares...this journey for a while now has been a lonely one and I fed up with the daily chore of guilt, self blame and loss, I want what others have -someone else to blame!!
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,975
South East
I’m sorry @Palerider :( , I wished I had the answers . I have a partner to talk to and share but I don’t want to moan or keep going over it so I tend not to talk to him too much about it but even if he agrees with my decisions (he says I must make them as her carer, daughter and nok) but I still feel the same way , full of guilt , am I doing the right /wrong thing etc etc , I think it’s in the job title . Wishing you a little peace and a better nights sleep .
 

Lone Wolf

Registered User
Sep 20, 2020
57
So I am sat drinking 15 year old Glenfiddich a wee dram or two. I am not one for spirits generally but this old horse somehow lets me relax at the end of the day and besides who would give a piper less in their musical bid.

@nitram has helped to solve part of a puzzle but the rest by god I feel relentlessly un-cured. How does a lone carer deal with the decisions they made -I don't know but I do know I want to be set free from this constant dark cloud. How can I be in a situation where I do the only thing and then feel tortured. Who actually cares...this journey for a while now has been a lonely one and I fed up with the daily chore of guilt, self blame and loss, I want what others have -someone else to blame!!
Much empathy to you Palerider. We cannot undo what has already happened but we can but try to control our thoughts and and future actions. It is a long, lonely, difficult and relentless battle, but we must soldier on and do our absolute best that we can in the circumstances for our loved one, because we know what lies ahead.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,011
Hope your buyers accept things are fine, as even though you might get more with another buyer it'll still 'cost' in terms of having the place unsold for longer. When I was selling my mum's flat the buyer's solicitors made a big fuss about whether the safe, that I'd only mentioned as I thought it a useful feature, had destroyed the integrity of the place. I kept on explaining it was the sort of safe you get in a hotel and had been installed as an original feature when the place was built fifteen years previously. The solicitor seemed to assume it was something you'd get in a high security bank vault. In the end I let the buyer look for himself and he agreed with me it was nothing to worry about and ignored the solicitor. The sale completed after that within the month. However he was a rather pushy guy buying the place as an investment, your young couple might be more risk adverse. Hope it all sorts itself out though.
Hope today is a better one for for you.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,907
South coast
I wonder whether the young couple, although really wanting the house, have discovered that they are a bit strapped for finances and are hoping to get the price reduced a bit more?

Im afraid the guilt and loss are things carers have to deal with. I have not had emotional support from OH for many years now and family are generally invisible, so I have had to make all the decisions about mum, and now OH, on my own. You know these feelings are unjustified, but there is somehow the feeling that if we love someone, we can somehow "fix" them and when we cant (as you cant with dementia) it somehow means that we didnt love them enough. I think its a lie that we all fall victim to.

Im concerned that you are so down at the moment. Please be gentle with yourself, you have done everything that you can and I hope the house will taken off your mind very soon.
xx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,110
Kent
I want what others have -someone else to blame!!
There is no need to have anyone to blame @Palerider, these are life`s hard knocks and I think you`ll find no one escapes. They attack us all in one way or another.

Escape depends on how we deal with them.

I wonder if your feelings now are the result of so many years caring and possibly not having a minute to think about yourself.

Your mum is still with you but she is not physically taking every second of your day even if she is continually on your mind. It is a culture shock and has left you with time you are not sure how to fill.

Try to take a deep breath and give yourself time to adjust to a new way of life and a new home. Big events.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,127
North West
Thanks everyone

Yes @Grannie G I think you have made some valid points there and I think I do seem to have an attachment that I haven't been able to change and mold into the new. The blame thing is of course about how I seem to continually blame myself internally -it grows tiring

Thanks @Sarasa and @canary -I would like very much for this sale to go through and then I can close the chapter which is one of the attachements that isn't helping.

@Woo2 thanks, some peace from this would be good. I think one of the problems is I have no one to talk to at home and friends are out of the eqaution under lockdown -the pop round and have coffee and general life chit chats. It can be hard to gauge how we are without that input.

Thanks @Lone Wolf -in the end all we can do is keep going

-I have slept on the feelings I posted last night. I think we all hit low points and yesterday was one of an even lower point that normal even for me. I was just sooo fed up! My day to day resilience isn't great at the moment, small things that wouldn't bother me seem to be magnified. I really think my biggest issue is not being able to visit mum and that is getting to me after so long now its difficult to shift my focus onto something else. Anyway I am returning to work tomorrow and I think that is good thing -too much time to dwell on things isn't helpful and I know 12.5 hours of distraction will do me good and keep me in the now.

Anyway today is another day and I have to move all the stuff out of storage to my new place and pack it away in the spare room, provided someone doesn't park outside the house -that may change the game a little
 

Louise7

Registered User
Mar 25, 2016
2,589
Today the purchasers surveyer went to the property and almost at the same time I had an email from the solicitors asking me various questions that I cannot answer -luckily I have found a legal valuation from 2005 where there is a surveyer report but have to now apply for a copy of certifcate of completion on buidling work they had done (knocking the kitchen into the utility space).
Morning @Palerider I think that you're right, returning to work will help to distract you - I know that it helped me when I had all sorts of other things going on, including selling Mum's house. Just a comment about your post quoted above, it isn't clear - did the solicitor or surveyor actually request a 'certificate of completion on building work' or have you just assumed that this will be required? As the surveyor went to the property 'and almost at the same time you had an email from the solicitors' it's likely that the buyers were unaware of what the surveyor has said or the solicitor is asking - were all of the questions in the email about the building work or other things too?

When the sale on Mum's house was going through recently we had to fill in a questionnaire for the buyer's solicitor asking all sorts of questions that we couldn't answer, including details relating to an extension and garage that had been built years ago. Our solicitor advised us to just answer 'don't know'. The buyer's solicitor also sent an email asking further questions, and we couldn't answer some of those either, but none of this had any impact on the sale - the couple buying really wanted the house and the sale still went through as planned. It may be that what you think will be a problem and impact the sale won't - your solicitor will be able to confirm the actual position after liaising with the buyer's solicitor. It was really hard selling a house that had been in the family for 90 years due to all of the memories and attachments but we got through it in the end and hoping the same for you.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,975
South East
We had the same about conservatory at Mums , it was built before mum moved in but it took my solicitor to give some stern words and they dropped it , they had wanted me to buy indemnity for that , boiler , fence panels and trees ! Solicitor was great and said the buyers solicitors just trying it on . Hope it gets dealt with swiftly . The lack of visiting is having a huge detrimental effect on so many people . Hope it is sorted very soon . Work distraction will help . Take care , hope we can help you feel just a little better . 🤗
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
893
Hi @Palerider, I doubt it provides any solace, but I had similar with Mum's bungalow (bit like @Woo2). I just explained I didn't have any of the relevant documentation etc. It delayed the sale by a week but the couple proceeded without it, it transpired they were nearly as annoyed as me with the pedantic approach of the solicitor. It is quite frustrating, especially when you are feeling up against it.

I hope things have progressed with the sale.

All the best.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,127
North West
Well nothing like two days at work to clear ones head of matters that are unchangeable. I think two weeks off in another lockdown was unhelpful, but I also have to follow medical advice given the work I do.

@Pete1 and @Louise7 and @Woo2 thanks for the tips on the solicitors. I am always mindful that legal eagles don't always represent their clients in the way they should. Anyway after some digging the buidling regulations certficate of completion was not required and therefore the work was not registered, besides the work was done before the date the regulations changed.

Thanks @Marcelle123 -I hope so to ;)

Moving on, still no word about visiting in the care home, turns out the pod they have built is on a fire exit and in contrvention of fire regs -erm? You couldn't make it up could you??

And finally my non-recycling bin has been stolen -yup it has sprouted legs and walked o_O The next one is having a tracker fitted ;)
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,127
North West
I was today astonished at the budget announcement that NHS staf recieve a pay rise above all other public sector workers. Yes I work in the NHS and yes I would welcome the extra small rise of an unoticable margin on my pay packet and believe me the money when divided up and paid in taxes and NI is very small and essentially lost. I really feel this would serve a better purpose in going to our care and key workers in social care where a rise in their salary would reflect the work they do behind the scenes and I am astonished given at how well we are paid in comparison to the workers in the overall social care system that keyworkers have again been overlooked -despite the growing disparity and evidence on social care (House of Lords Report). This was my post to my colleagues:

The real issue here is that if we expect social care to step up to the mark and recruit its 122,000 staff shortage and funding for training out of this coronavirus tragedy then we in the NHS should acknowledge our care counterparts in adult social care and give them recognition for the jobs they do and refuse our pay raise for this year -because dear God they need that recognition more than NHS staff do
 

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