She’s breaking my heart, and she doesn’t know it and I feel so guilty.

[MowgliGirl02]

Hi All.
I hope you don’t judge me because it sounds bad.
But I’m so angry with my mom. She’s stopped eating a month ago and is barely drinking and I’ve tried everything to get her to eat. She’s convinced she eats daily and doesn’t believe me when I tell her she hasn’t. I know deep down it’s the dementia, of course it is, it has to be. I’m just so scared of losing her, and I’m scared of spending the rest if my life blaming myself for not doing enough to keep her alive.
how do you all cope with this? Because I’m falling apart.

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to the forum @MowgliGirl02.

Nobody is going to judge you here. You love your mum and you just want things to be different. Knowing that it’s the dementia doesn’t always help.

You’ve found the right place to come for understanding and support. .

 

[Kevinl]

Just talk on here, feel free to vent, all here to listen and help if we can.
K

 

[Collywobbles]

I’m scared of spending the rest if my life blaming myself for not doing enough to keep her alive.

Oh my lovely, if the doctors and all of medical science can’t keep her alive, then you could never be blamed for this.

As I had it explained to me, a person with dementia tends to stop eating in the final stages because their body is trying really hard to keep absolutely fundamental parts working - brain, heart, lungs. Eating and drinking means that dwindling physical resources have to be diverted to the digestive system, so the brain “switches off” the part that deals with nourishment. It’s sadly a no-win situation.

So it’s not that you’re failing in any way at all, it’s just that their body can no longer cope with food or drink as a result of the dementia. They’re not passing away because they’re not eating - they’re not eating because they’re passing away.

 

[Weasell]

Hi All.
I hope you don’t judge me because it sounds bad.
But I’m so angry with my mom. She’s stopped eating a month ago and is barely drinking and I’ve tried everything to get her to eat. She’s convinced she eats daily and doesn’t believe me when I tell her she hasn’t. I know deep down it’s the dementia, of course it is, it has to be. I’m just so scared of losing her, and I’m scared of spending the rest if my life blaming myself for not doing enough to keep her alive.
how do you all cope with this? Because I’m falling apart.

Such a difficult time for you.

you could request some energy drinks from the GP.

Make sure it isn’t that she has a problem with her swallowing.

Or buy some jelly drops.

But you sound so committed and loving, I can really only offer sympathy! The act of nagging someone to eat is horrible, but if you don’t nag you feel you are neglecting their needs, because you are the one that understands the need to eat ! It’s a no win situation for you.

 

[Wednesday23]

Hi,
Is your mam in a care home or still living independantly?
We have the same problem with my mam, she will argue she has ate, and then go day after day refusing food.

 

[StressedDaughter]

Hi All.
I hope you don’t judge me because it sounds bad.
But I’m so angry with my mom. She’s stopped eating a month ago and is barely drinking and I’ve tried everything to get her to eat. She’s convinced she eats daily and doesn’t believe me when I tell her she hasn’t. I know deep down it’s the dementia, of course it is, it has to be. I’m just so scared of losing her, and I’m scared of spending the rest if my life blaming myself for not doing enough to keep her alive.
how do you all cope with this? Because I’m falling apart.

I’m angry with mine because she will not move out of her chair. Today she said I nag her and the staff tell her she is doing really well. I am well aware that if she doesn’t use it, she will lose it - a fact she regularly preaches to her brother.
I have given up today and left her in the chair. I think the anger is an anger that we are missing the person they once were. Like a grieving in advance. It helps to vent and this is a good space. Sometimes we have to let go - do not blame yourself - sometimes we don’t have the required magic wand. X

 

[Jerseygirl]

Hello i am going through a similar hell and worn out. I am only child and always been just mum and i so understand. Just wanted to send hugs!

 

[Lawson58]

I think the anger is more about fear, the fear that you are losing your mum and she herself is doing nothing to stop the progression of the disease. This is something she really has no control over, it’s not anything she would ever be able to change and so you have to stop blaming yourself.

Sadly there are times in our lives when we have to face a fight that we can never win and deep in your heart you that this is happening. So just love her while you have her with you.

 

[Losingsigi]

All of the above! My poor mum not only has dementia but is also now legally blind, she can't hear and her mobility issues have got much worse. She has taken to sitting in a chair staring at the garden, morning noon and night. I've tried audiobooks, bought her a wheelchair to get her out in the fresh air, retuned the TV to Wild Africa, take her out to lunch, took her on holiday (we won't be doing that again) ... She was only diagnosed in November but has gone downhill SO fast I can't keep up. She's been put on Donepezil but no results yet. Everything I cook for her is 'too much' or an 'enormous plateful' (mum is clinically obese and has always loved her food). I've had to leave my job and am trying to study for a diploma but with the radio / TV on full blast and constantly being called to help I can't concentrate. I don't have a life at all anymore. My brother visits once a week for 2 hours max (he lives 25mins away!) I love her so much but she's driving me nuts. Sorry I've hijacked your post but the rant was bubbling under ... All strength to us carers x

 

[MowgliGirl02]

Thank you all, for the replies and love. It means a lot knowing that I’m not alone in going through all this.
it’s such a cruel disease not just for the person with it, but for everyone that loves and cares for the person with it. My heart is with you all. ❤️