Second post. No diagnosis, just worried about my husband.

[Jess2023]

Hi Canary. Thank you for this. I will have a look at all of the options. Whatever the reason for this happening - it is happening and I think the best place for him, is at home. I work fortunately and can provide a good part of what we need (but certainly not all). Many thanks again, it helps to share my worries 🙏🏻 x

Morning. I wish I could do more to help my husband. I’m just heading in to work but gave him a quick call to check all ok. He said yes ok. ‘They are not letting me in to the other area anymore’. I said what do you mean. He said, I don’t know, they just said the guy training him will be in there and that they have put him in another room with some other guys but he doesn’t really know what is happening. I wish he would just go home but he doesn’t want to give in 😢

Gosh I really feel for you as I found myself in similar territory with my husband this time last year, may sound strange but I actually made contact with his employer after a few unexplained situations like your encountering with your husband at work, it was unconventional but worked to my husbands advantage. His employer ( public sector organisation) were glad I had contacted. He had been too vulnerable to work at that point and was extremely withdrawn to the point his performance was being scrutinised. It kind of started the ball rolling as we expedited contact with the Gp appointment who signed him off. At this point when the pressure was off him we could focus on accessing the correct assessments and scans.
Your husband does sound vulnerable definitely get him signed off by Gp, you may find his employer may support him to take a break so you can ascertain his health situation. This is only my experience but I knew I had to take charge. Wish you all the best

 

[RM3]

Gosh I really feel for you as I found myself in similar territory with my husband this time last year, may sound strange but I actually made contact with his employer after a few unexplained situations like your encountering with your husband at work, it was unconventional but worked to my husbands advantage. His employer ( public sector organisation) were glad I had contacted. He had been too vulnerable to work at that point and was extremely withdrawn to the point his performance was being scrutinised. It kind of started the ball rolling as we expedited contact with the Gp appointment who signed him off. At this point when the pressure was off him we could focus on accessing the correct assessments and scans.
Your husband does sound vulnerable definitely get him signed off by Gp, you may find his employer may support him to take a break so you can ascertain his health situation. This is only my experience but I knew I had to take charge. Wish you all the best

 

[RM3]

Hi @Jess2023. Thank you for your support. It is so hard to see them in this position isn’t it. As was a good suggestion, I had taken in a printout last week of my concerns to the GP (a few days before apt) but unfortunately my husband decided he did not want to go. He wanted an eye test instead. He was so sure that if he could see really well, he would be able to do a better job. I have talked to him tonight. He is so lost at work but adamant that he wants to wait to see what they decide. It was so so awful because he said he was being so nice to them (even when he was getting a roasting) but that it just doesn’t seem to make things any better (makes me feel choked up that he thinks so simply about it and is trying to be nice to make things better).
This is not his way. I do consider that he’s get older (58) and the redundancy a few months ago, was such a disappointment but this isn’t him. He’s always been a considerate person (especially as a manager) but has had a bit of an edge to him - outwardly self confident and succeeded whatever he was doing. I picture him at work, how I saw him at our daughters a couple of weeks ago.
They’ve just moved house (in to a bit of a renovator). I had to push my husband a bit to go with me on moving day (very unusual for him).
They were moving themselves from down the road. My husband and me were upstairs in a bedroom pottering. Our Son in law arrived with a van full of boxes. I went down to help and when I headed upstairs with a few bits, I glanced in to my husband and he was still in the bedroom but stood back a bit out of site. It almost looked like he was hiding. I encouraged him to join a bit of a chain to pass the boxes in (which he did). I’ve got a really bad feeling but still hoping this may turn out to be stress/anxiety.
Thank you again for sharing some detail about your experience. Do you mind me asking how you found things over time and whether you got any answers?
Much appreciated. Best wishes x

 

[RM3]

Just to go on a little more (sorry that I’m going on a bit).
Working things out wise (which gives me a bit of insight in to how he may struggle at work).
As an example. I know I’ve mentioned my husband has done lots of diy and decorating over the years and has always preferred me not to help. We offered to put lining paper on a wall in my daughters house.
He would not have gone to do it without me. He read the instructions on the packet of paste and read out add to 12 pints of water. Asked me to read it to confirm that was what it said. He realised that this required a jug and asked me to get a jug. But then said right, so the only thing is then, how do we know how much water is in the jug. I said because it tells us on the side and he said oh it has it on it does it, that’s good then. I can only imagine what things are like at work - especially as hes only been in this role for 4 months.
Heartbreakingly (I try not to think of it), he started this job the day before my mum passed away. The night before it happened (on his first day), I woke to him kneeling on the bedroom floor next to me and he was fighting back tears. He said I don’t know what’s happening - I just can’t do the induction he said. He said he’d been sat in a room on his own all day and could not do any of it and it was going to be the same the following day. He said I don’t know what’s happening to me. This was about 1am. We got up and spent a couple of hours doing practice induction modules and how he could try and store the answers for the tests at the end.
The following morning I got the shocking call about my mum and this all kind of went on the back burner. He passed his induction though somehow.
I do hope to persuade him to go to the doctors (I think because he saw a neurologist and had an MRI privately about 15 months ago - all clear, he thinks there’s nothing medical).
He is hopeful that he can make it work but I can not see it and I’ve tried to tell him that it is like torturing himself doing this. I will keep taking a day at a time.
I do wonder about stress though.
He had a 6 week gap between his last position and this and he was so happy and relaxed (watching YouTube for hours mind but happy). X

 

[Jess2023]

Hi @Jess2023. Thank you for your support. It is so hard to see them in this position isn’t it. As was a good suggestion, I had taken in a printout last week of my concerns to the GP (a few days before apt) but unfortunately my husband decided he did not want to go. He wanted an eye test instead. He was so sure that if he could see really well, he would be able to do a better job. I have talked to him tonight. He is so lost at work but adamant that he wants to wait to see what they decide. It was so so awful because he said he was being so nice to them (even when he was getting a roasting) but that it just doesn’t seem to make things any better (makes me feel choked up that he thinks so simply about it and is trying to be nice to make things better).
This is not his way. I do consider that he’s get older (58) and the redundancy a few months ago, was such a disappointment but this isn’t him. He’s always been a considerate person (especially as a manager) but has had a bit of an edge to him - outwardly self confident and succeeded whatever he was doing. I picture him at work, how I saw him at our daughters a couple of weeks ago.
They’ve just moved house (in to a bit of a renovator). I had to push my husband a bit to go with me on moving day (very unusual for him).
They were moving themselves from down the road. My husband and me were upstairs in a bedroom pottering. Our Son in law arrived with a van full of boxes. I went down to help and when I headed upstairs with a few bits, I glanced in to my husband and he was still in the bedroom but stood back a bit out of site. It almost looked like he was hiding. I encouraged him to join a bit of a chain to pass the boxes in (which he did). I’ve got a really bad feeling but still hoping this may turn out to be stress/anxiety.
Thank you again for sharing some detail about your experience. Do you mind me asking how you found things over time and whether you got any answers?
Much appreciated. Best wishes x

We did get answers about 9 months after initial contact with our Gp ( but I’d had concerns for about 6 months before that) which led us to obtain a mri and full assessment with our local memory service and ending in a Pet scan which was able to give a definitive diagnosis. This is just my husbands experience though, advice here really bolstered me to make sure we covered every avenue, my husband was 52 when all the tests started so all eventualities were considered but he does have formal diagnosis now.

 

[Jess2023]

Just to go on a little more (sorry that I’m going on a bit).
Working things out wise (which gives me a bit of insight in to how he may struggle at work).
As an example. I know I’ve mentioned my husband has done lots of diy and decorating over the years and has always preferred me not to help. We offered to put lining paper on a wall in my daughters house.
He would not have gone to do it without me. He read the instructions on the packet of paste and read out add to 12 pints of water. Asked me to read it to confirm that was what it said. He realised that this required a jug and asked me to get a jug. But then said right, so the only thing is then, how do we know how much water is in the jug. I said because it tells us on the side and he said oh it has it on it does it, that’s good then. I can only imagine what things are like at work - especially as hes only been in this role for 4 months.
Heartbreakingly (I try not to think of it), he started this job the day before my mum passed away. The night before it happened (on his first day), I woke to him kneeling on the bedroom floor next to me and he was fighting back tears. He said I don’t know what’s happening - I just can’t do the induction he said. He said he’d been sat in a room on his own all day and could not do any of it and it was going to be the same the following day. He said I don’t know what’s happening to me. This was about 1am. We got up and spent a couple of hours doing practice induction modules and how he could try and store the answers for the tests at the end.
The following morning I got the shocking call about my mum and this all kind of went on the back burner. He passed his induction though somehow.
I do hope to persuade him to go to the doctors (I think because he saw a neurologist and had an MRI privately about 15 months ago - all clear, he thinks there’s nothing medical).
He is hopeful that he can make it work but I can not see it and I’ve tried to tell him that it is like torturing himself doing this. I will keep taking a day at a time.
I do wonder about stress though.
He had a 6 week gap between his last position and this and he was so happy and relaxed (watching YouTube for hours mind but happy). X

It’s good to share your worries I know it helped me to ask and share, it sounds so hard for you when you reflect on these individual situations they all add up don’t they ? Definitely keep trying to get him to Gp as it’s piece of mind for you too, that’s what these services are there for.
Take care of yourself

 

[RM3]

We did get answers about 9 months after initial contact with our Gp ( but I’d had concerns for about 6 months before that) which led us to obtain a mri and full assessment with our local memory service and ending in a Pet scan which was able to give a definitive diagnosis. This is just my husbands experience though, advice here really bolstered me to make sure we covered every avenue, my husband was 52 when all the tests started so all eventualities were considered but he does have formal diagnosis now.

@Jess2023. Thank you for your reply.
I know this does not improve but I do hope that your husband is better for losing the pressures of working life and I wish you both well.
It’s so helpful to chat on here. I did care-work during the pandemic and mostly visited people living with dementia. Everyone who I knew though, were very advanced. I have not had contact with anyone in the very early stages to compare, so it is so helpful to read posts on here.
I am mindful not to get too obsessed with this though, as I do not know still if this is just stress/anxiety etc.
thank you and very best wishes x

 

[RM3]

… I am aware that this evening i am definitely overthinking (sorry). One thing that struck me that my husband said about work, when we talked tonight - was that he said, he thinks there’s something strange going on anyway but he’s not sure what. He said he thinks that the guy who is training him (the one he is having problems with, is fiddling something. He said they are saying tests are being done wrong but he said there’s a packet that you sign when you’ve run a test and he said that his initials were on them but that he doesn’t think he did that. He said that he doesn’t think he would initial (that he’s put his name) and that he thinks that guy is putting his initials on things for some underhand reason (and making him look bad). Maybe this is happening or maybe it’s another concern? I’m aware that I think so much of every little thing he does now. As much as I tell myself - relax and don’t read in to everything and think the worst. It is not working tonight as you can see. Going to try and put it aside for now. X

 

[Spottydog]

Oh dear this is such a difficult situation for you both. There seems to be so many things at play here which could be contributing to the situation and it can be hard to see the wood for the trees especially when you are both worrying. Is there any chance you could both take a week or two off and perhaps go away for a little break?

 

[RM3]

Oh dear this is such a difficult situation for you both. There seems to be so many things at play here which could be contributing to the situation and it can be hard to see the wood for the trees especially when you are both worrying. Is there any chance you could both take a week or two off and perhaps go away for a little break?

Hi @Spottydog. That is such a good description of the situation at the moment (thank you). Thankfully, it’s just really me - my husband feels it’s as simple as one person making it impossible for him to settle in at work. I don’t say too much to him about my worries (in fact I play it down) but have made it clear I think it would be good to be home. He has not asked too many questions about why I would like him to go back to the doctors either.
You put it well though, I think that I am so anxious about things for him, that I am perhaps being (and thinking) a bit irrationally.
We have a couple of nights away together mid March - which I think will do us both good. We both have almost a week booked off. Thank you again, take care x

 

[maggie6445]

Hello @RM3 , I'm so sorry to read of the problems your husband is having. Please get him to see his GP and ask to be referred to the memory clinic. I have re read your first post here and I recognise a lot of what you are saying. I think printing off your first post and sending to his Dr along with any additional worries.
Blaming others is concerning, it can be a dementia symptom. My OH denies and blames constantly.
If he couldn't cope with his new role at his previous job and he's struggling with his new employer I certainly think he needs further investigations
I'm sorry it's causing you such anxiety. I note the time you are posting .
I think you know what you need to do. Please do it. 😘

 

[RM3]

Hello @RM3 , I'm so sorry to read of the problems your husband is having. Please get him to see his GP and ask to be referred to the memory clinic. I have re read your first post here and I recognise a lot of what you are saying. I think printing off your first post and sending to his Dr along with any additional worries.
Blaming others is concerning, it can be a dementia symptom. My OH denies and blames constantly.
If he couldn't cope with his new role at his previous job and he's struggling with his new employer I certainly think he needs further investigations.
I'm sorry it's causing you such anxiety. I note the time you are posting .
I think you know what you need to do. Please do it. I'm so sorry to read of the problems your husband is having. Please get him to see his GP and ask to be referred to the memory clinic. I have re read your first post here and I recognise a lot of what you are saying. I think printing off your first post and sending to his Dr along with any additional worries.
Blaming others is concerning, it can be a dementia symptom. My OH denies and blames constantly.
If he couldn't cope with his new role at his previous job and he's struggling with his new employer I certainly think he needs further investigations
I'm sorry it's causing you such anxiety. I note the time you are posting .
I think you know what you need to do. Please do it. 😘

Hello @maggie6445. Thank you for reading and responding. I was planning on watching and waiting but feeling quite worried. I think that I will try and suggest the doctors again. I have my printout ready to hand in again if he will go 🤞. Thank you once again x

 

[Violet Jane]

As has been said above, there are so many factors here. It's entirely possible that the man training your husband is a bit of a nightmare and is trying to trip him up. But it's also possible that your husband is casting blame because he just can't do the job and won't accept his limitations. Suspicion, paranoia (the trainer is fiddling something) and blaming other people for things going wrong are really common with dementia.

Personally, I feel that you are attributing too much to your husband's age. He's only 58 and these symptoms started at least 18 months ago. It may not be dementia but there definitely seems to be something wrong. The doctors will almost certainly try to pin the blame on stress / anxiety / depression because of his age.

Try and think back to the sequence of events at work that brought your husband to this point. Is it possible that there wasn't a true redundancy situation but the firm made your husband redundant rather than dismissing him for incapacity (he could no longer do the job to the required standard) because this seemed kinder? Your husband couldn't adapt to the alternative job offered. Was this an easier job and what were the problems with this job? Did he complain about anything to do with that job or the person inducting him?

May I ask why he saw a neurologist 18 months ago?

From what you've said, I fear that your husband is not going to be able to pass his probation period. It's then a question of whether he should resign now or wait to be dismissed.

 

[RM3]

As has been said above, there are so many factors here. It's entirely possible that the man training your husband is a bit of a nightmare and is trying to trip him up. But it's also possible that your husband is casting blame because he just can't do the job and won't accept his limitations. Suspicion, paranoia (the trainer is fiddling something) and blaming other people for things going wrong are really common with dementia.

Personally, I feel that you are attributing too much to your husband's age. He's only 58 and these symptoms started at least 18 months ago. It may not be dementia but there definitely seems to be something wrong. The doctors will almost certainly try to pin the blame on stress / anxiety / depression because of his age.

Try and think back to the sequence of events at work that brought your husband to this point. Is it possible that there wasn't a true redundancy situation but the firm made your husband redundant rather than dismissing him for incapacity (he could no longer do the job to the required standard) because this seemed kinder? Your husband couldn't adapt to the alternative job offered. Was this an easier job and what were the problems with this job? Did he complain about anything to do with that job or the person inducting him?

May I ask why he saw a neurologist 18 months ago?

From what you've said, I fear that your husband is not going to be able to pass his probation period. It's then a question of whether he should resign now or wait to be dismissed.

Hi @Violet Jane. Thank you for giving me some space to reevaluate.
The initial concerns did not stem from work. I had noticed some changes in my husbands behaviour. For example, the road outside our house was closed for a couple of weeks (this is a windy country land but a main connecting route). My husband was obsessed watching cars going over still and would stand at the gate and keep reporting to me. He kept walking the long road to rebuild the barriers. He stopped a woman in her car and she was accessing a property (but it was almost like he was on a high telling us about it, quite strange).
He had to replace one fence post in the garden and used two bags of cement trying to get it in the right place. I gave him 2 hours (because he wanted to do it) and then I went out to help and we did straight away then).
He had a really random freak out late at night because there was only grated cheese (and this would be messy at work) and walked an hours round trip to get cheese slices for sandwiches the next day (sounds silly but he was so cross). Random things such as these. He had private medical insurance, so the GP had referred him to the memory clinic but we ended up at a neurologist and an MRI.
With work, he had run the department for 12 years but they closed it to move it overseas unfortunately.
The new role was a nightmare 5 weeks. The reasoning being that the manager (who was new), wasn’t training and was just shouting at him?
Maybe he knew his last role so inside and out, that he could have managed longer in that position.
He has been in the new room at work today and said it has felt better because no one is ‘on his case’.
I noticed changes in personality before anything else. Much more dependent on me and wants to be around me as much as he is able to be.
Something and nothing but I noticed some months ago, that if he is stood talking to me about anything important or meaningful, he pushes he knew in and out fast (hard to describe, but like a child does when they need the bathroom).
Then we can have a day with absolutely nothing out of the ordinary and I think, what am I thinking this for and feel a bit silly. Thank you again for listening (reading) x

 

[RM3]

Hi @Violet Jane. Thank you for giving me some space to reevaluate.
The initial concerns did not stem from work. I had noticed some changes in my husbands behaviour. For example, the road outside our house was closed for a couple of weeks (this is a windy country land but a main connecting route). My husband was obsessed watching cars going over still and would stand at the gate and keep reporting to me. He kept walking the long road to rebuild the barriers. He stopped a woman in her car and she was accessing a property (but it was almost like he was on a high telling us about it, quite strange).
He had to replace one fence post in the garden and used two bags of cement trying to get it in the right place. I gave him 2 hours (because he wanted to do it) and then I went out to help and we did straight away then).
He had a really random freak out late at night because there was only grated cheese (and this would be messy at work) and walked an hours round trip to get cheese slices for sandwiches the next day (sounds silly but he was so cross). Random things such as these. He had private medical insurance, so the GP had referred him to the memory clinic but we ended up at a neurologist and an MRI.
With work, he had run the department for 12 years but they closed it to move it overseas unfortunately.
The new role was a nightmare 5 weeks. The reasoning being that the manager (who was new), wasn’t training and was just shouting at him?
Maybe he knew his last role so inside and out, that he could have managed longer in that position.
He has been in the new room at work today and said it has felt better because no one is ‘on his case’.
I noticed changes in personality before anything else. Much more dependent on me and wants to be around me as much as he is able to be.
Something and nothing but I noticed some months ago, that if he is stood talking to me about anything important or meaningful, he pushes he knew in and out fast (hard to describe, but like a child does when they need the bathroom).
Then we can have a day with absolutely nothing out of the ordinary and I think, what am I thinking this for and feel a bit silly. Thank you again for listening (reading) x

Just to add also. My husband and I do not fight but we can have a decent argument when we need to. If this happens, I tend to back off because my husband is quicker to get angry (but we both hold our own). A few weeks ago whilst in the car, he mentioned his car being blocked in on the driveway and I blew my top (I had bottled it up), I had a real go at him, told him he had not been my rock whilst I was grieving and cared more about his needs from me etc. Rather than fire back at me and clear the air (I had parked up), he was just saying no, no, this isn’t what I want. I never want this to happen again and he lightly banged his head on the dashboard.
It was such an awaking to me really and I felt so so bad because I thought - I’ve just said all that and he is not in a place to take it, or give it back (that was the first realisation of this) and now I make allowances and do not get annoyed at him for anything (well not that he knows anyway). He was vulnerable and it made me feel rubbish. X

 

[canary]

There are ever so many red flags here @RM3
This is not normal behaviour and you know there is something wrong.
One of the symptoms of dementia is a loss of self-insight so that you dont realise that there is something wrong with you. Its a very common symptom, although its very seldom talked about. People with dementia who have this dont realise their own problems and blame things and people around them. The things that you are describing do sound very suspicious to me.

 

[Violet Jane]

It's interesting that your husband has complained about two people from two different firms shouting at him. It's possible of course but it's also possible that he feels threatened by people finding fault with him and interprets this as people shouting at him. Misinterpretation and paranoia are common with dementia and many posters report that the first symptoms of dementia were personality changes (becoming angry, suspicious, paranoid, argumentative, unreasonable, unloving, selfish etc) rather then memory loss.

Individually, the things from 18 months ago that you mention look quite insignificant but, taken together, they point to a change in behaviour. I take it that these things occurred well before he was made redundant.

It's not surprising that things are so bad at work. At home you are supporting him, sometimes without realising it, probably. At work he has to manage on his own.

One other thing. Some people report having brain fog following a Covid infection. Is that a possibility with your husband?

 

[RM3]

Just to add also. My husband and I do not fight but we can have a decent argument when we need to. If this happens, I tend to back off because my husband is quicker to get angry (but we both hold our own). A few weeks ago whilst in the car, he mentioned his car being blocked in on the driveway and I blew my top (I had bottled it up), I had a real go at him, told him he had not been my rock whilst I was grieving and cared more about his needs from me etc. Rather than fire back at me and clear the air (I had parked up), he was just saying no, no, this isn’t what I want. I never want this to happen again and he lightly banged his head on the dashboard.
It was such an awaking to me really and I felt so so bad because I thought - I’ve just said all that and he is not in a place to take it, or give it back (that was the first realisation of this) and now I make allowances and do not get annoyed at him for anything (we’ll not that he knows anyway). He was vulnerable and it made me feel rubbish. X

On a plus note. I’ve just got in from work and he’s had a win at work this aft.
The tests he ran last week, all failed at the end of the week and he was shouted down for it and told not to go back in that room to work on testing this week. The guy training him has run the tests himself instead - and they’ve all just failed and it is a fault in their system. If nothing else, it has boosted his confidence tonight. X

 

[RM3]

It's interesting that your husband has complained about two people from two different firms shouting at him. It's possible of course but it's also possible that he feels threatened by people finding fault with him and interprets this as people shouting at him. Misinterpretation and paranoia are common with dementia and many posters report that the first symptoms of dementia were personality changes (becoming angry, suspicious, paranoid, argumentative, unreasonable, unloving, selfish etc) rather then memory loss.

Individually, the things from 18 months ago that you mention look quite insignificant but, taken together, they point to a change in behaviour. I take it that these things occurred well before he was made redundant.

It's not surprising that things are so bad at work. At home you are supporting him, sometimes without realising it, probably. At work he has to manage on his own.

One other thing. Some people report having brain fog following a Covid infection. Is that a possibility with your husband?

Hi. I feel like anything is possible and hope for a less permanent/concerning reason. My concerns started about 6 months before he was told about the redundancy I would say. I think that you are right in that he does not seem to manage working relationships like he always has done. He seems to just want to be nice and people to be nice to him. In the last role, as with this, he is needing to ring me when he has any challenges.
He is so much better without pressure and when with me.
He is very determined for it to work at his new job. I don’t think he wants it to get the better of him.
I feel good for him that he can have an evening without feeling like he’s failing. Thank you x

 

[RM3]

There are ever so many red flags here @RM3
This is not normal behaviour and you know there is something wrong.
One of the symptoms of dementia is a loss of self-insight so that you dont realise that there is something wrong with you. Its a very common symptom, although its very seldom talked about. People with dementia who have this dont realise their own problems and blame things and people around them. The things that you are describing do sound very suspicious to me.

Hi @canary. Yes I very much feel that each little thing on their own (if I were to tell someone), does seem somewhat insignificant. For me, knowing the combination of things I do feel concerned about him. I hope that he can find some peace at work and then it may be easier to take a clearer view on things with him. As (I think) @Spottydog said, it’s hard to see the wood for the trees at the moment. He is in a good place tonight with his boost at work this afternoon. Thank you x