Second post. No diagnosis, just worried about my husband.

[RM3]

I have today, cancelled the doctors appointment for tomorrow. My husband said this morning that now he has the 3 month extension to his probation at work, he just wants to focus on that. He said he would prefer to book and eye test and try make sure he can see down the microscopes at work as clearly as possible, to give himself the best chance (part of what he has to do, is spot minute flaws). He asked if we could ask the opticians if they could let him look down a microscope during his eye test, to check if it was clear enough for what he needed - I mean - I don’t know why I’m concerned 😏.
Anyway, I have to respect his choices and I still only suspect that there may be something going on. He now, after 35 years living together does all of the laundry (never done before but I am definitely not complaining). When we got back from the opticians about 1.30pm, he went straight out to the drier and brought some laundry in and said the drier was broken. I asked why and he said because it was still going and he set it off at 5.30am. I felt the clothes and said it can’t have been they’re only luke warm. I said he would have just put more on - which he agreed with.
Anyway, I’m going to try and just go with things and not over worry or over think. Things will either just be as they are, or become more apparent if there is genuinely anything to worry about. X

 

[Violet Jane]

I think that it would be worth while going with your husband to the opticians to see how he gets on. I had an opticians appointment today and it was quite involved with a lot of instructions and questions. That might give you some insight into how he is managing at work.

I'm not sure what he would look at if he looked down what he refers to as the microscope. The optician uses it to look at the client's eyes.

 

[RM3]

I think that it would be worth while going with your husband to the opticians to see how he gets on. I had an opticians appointment today and it was quite involved with a lot of instructions and questions. That might give you some insight into how he is managing at work.

I'm not sure what he would look at if he looked down what he refers to as the microscope. The optician uses it to look at the client's eyes.

Hi @Violet Jane. Thank you for responding. I had managed to get a same day appointment for him, so we have been today (he had booked today off work, last minute). He did seem to manage fine. I had made the appointment online for him and completed the customer form but he went in himself (I sat just outside on a bench as it is within a supermarket). He did come out for me after as he’d forgotten his phone, so couldn’t pay. No frame to choose as wanted to use a frame he had.
With the microscope, they have told him at work, that they need him to step up a bit and an extra task is going to be the microscopic work (looking for the minute imperfections). In his words - he wants to give himself the best chance, to see what they can see through the microscope. I just hope for him, that things can go better at work.
He said himself last week (and it’s true), he has always had a (not cocky) but strong sense of self belief and been successful in every role he’s had. He is not used to not just walking in to a role and owning it within no time and this has been the extreme opposite of that. Not much else I can do for now, apart from be supportive and give things time to see where they go (if anywhere). Thank you once again x

 

[Spottydog]

Hello, I think you've done all the right things and I agree now both try to relax and get through the three months probation. You are both under a lot of stress and that really doesn't help with Day to day functioning and job performance. Maybe he took over the laundry as he felt it was something he could control and be good at as his confidence has taken such a knock with the job situation. The other day I asked my husband to switch the washing machine on.... He swore blind he had but he hadn't 😊.

 

[RM3]

Hello, I think you've done all the right things and I agree now both try to relax and get through the three months probation. You are both under a lot of stress and that really doesn't help with Day to day functioning and job performance. Maybe he took over the laundry as he felt it was something he could control and be good at as his confidence has taken such a knock with the job situation. The other day I asked my husband to switch the washing machine on.... He swore blind he had but he hadn't 😊.

Hi @Spottydog. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I don’t really say anything to anyone about my concerns (because I’m not confident enough yet in them to do so). It is very comforting and relieves some of the worry, to be able to come on here and get it out. Thank you also for the reassurance in the choices for the time being. Much appreciated. Best wishes to you as well x

 

[Violet Jane]

I think that it's reasonable to take the pressure off whilst your husband is trying to pass his probation. In all honesty, nothing can slow the progress of dementia although there is medication that can make the brain work a bit better with what it has. However, the only thing that I would mention is that there are conditions other than dementia which can cause cognitive problems e.g. thyroid problems, and it would be good to rule them out.

You can still keep a diary of concerns and worrying behaviours in case you do want to go to the doctor at a later date.

I'm struck by how much you were involved in organising and facilitating the opticians appointment. Would your husband have been able to make an online appointment, complete the form, get himself to the appointment and pay without you? If not, then that's a worrying sign as this is all very routine.

 

[RM3]

I think that it's reasonable to take the pressure off whilst your husband is trying to pass his probation. In all honesty, nothing can slow the progress of dementia although there is medication that can make the brain work a bit better with what it has. However, the only thing that I would mention is that there are conditions other than dementia which can cause cognitive problems e.g. thyroid problems, and it would be good to rule them out.

You can still keep a diary of concerns and worrying behaviours in case you do want to go to the doctor at a later date.

I'm struck by how much you were involved in organising and facilitating the opticians appointment. Would your husband have been able to make an online appointment, complete the form, get himself to the appointment and pay without you? If not, then that's a worrying sign as this is all very routine.

Hi @Violet Jane. Yes I think it is best for now. I think there are enough people on his case at the moment, with work.
It is hard for me to say regarding arranging these things himself because I have always tended to do a lot of these things for him anyway. What I would say is that, that has just been how we chose to do things. It isn’t a choice now. There is no way he could have gone online and booked the appointment, or filled in the online form. He would have just been saying to me for weeks for example, that we really need to sort him an appointment (if I hadn’t done it). He would have gone himself if necessary though (although he’d have had to sort his payment out).
He could not even complete his fairly simple starter forms for work. He started the same week I lost my mum (which was a complete shock). Even though I asked him to please just sort them himself, after a few weeks, he said they were still not done and we really needed to do them - so we did.
An example is that he wanted to be able to log in to his pension online. I set this up but each time he logs in, it sends a verification code to his email. He has to copy and paste this on to the login page. There is absolutely no way that he can do this without me doing it.
Although I’ve generally looked after most things, it is not just by choice anymore. X

 

[Violet Jane]

I have some sympathy with the pension thing if it's not something that he's done before. However, the work forms are another matter as they sound very routine, assuming of course that he is used to using computers and filling in forms online (I assume that he is as he's been in highly skilled jobs and is still relatively young). I'm not saying that your husband has dementia - there could be something else - but struggling with planning and organisation is a hallmark of early stage dementia.

However, as you say, your husband has enough on at the moment and it's not the right time to worry him. Once the work situation has been resolved one way or the other you can take matters forward then if you want to.

 

[RM3]

I have some sympathy with the pension thing if it's not something that he's done before. However, the work forms are another matter as they sound very routine, assuming of course that he is used to using computers and filling in forms online (I assume that he is as he's been in highly skilled jobs and is still relatively young). I'm not saying that your husband has dementia - there could be something else - but struggling with planning and organisation is a hallmark of early stage dementia.

However, as you say, your husband has enough on at the moment and it's not the right time to worry him. Once the work situation has been resolved one way or the other you can take matters forward then if you want to.

Yes I agree. I think in some ways, there is so much that I have done over the years, so hard to use some of it a much of a gauge. Computers have never been his strong point but I saw at his role that he was made redundant from, the readings across 3 or 4 screens with live graphs from tests being run. He had to analyse this data and run reports for global virtual meetings on the test results. He knew how to do that system very well.
Just to note (because this is a useful place for me to come back and read, to compare over time).
When he came out of the opticians, he said to me that there was not much change from his last test in 2017. I said you’ve had your eyes tested once or even twice since then, so he just said well whatever was 3 years ago.
I will quietly just keep an eye on things and just try and support him as much as I can for the time being. Like we’ve said. If there is anything, things will become more apparent. X

 

[canary]

The only thing I would like to mention is that if he does turn out to have dementia, his employers are duty bound to try and accommodate this. Also, if he were unable to continue it would be better for him if he were medically retired rather than just lose his job

 

[Violet Jane]

Employers only have to make 'reasonable adjustments'. They don't have to design a job around the employee's disabilities. I think that it would be difficult to accommodate dementia but it will depend on how the person is affected, the job and the type of organisation. Some employers might find or create a simpler job that the person can do.

 

[canary]

Employers only have to make 'reasonable adjustments'.

Thank you - I couldnt remember the exact wording

 

[Kevinl]

Just to back a bit, when I use a microscope I always take my glasses off, you have to, you adjust the microscope focus to your eyes vision I understand, it's standard practice with a lens based microscope, same with binoculars or a telescope when using lens based kit. K

 

[RM3]

Thank you @Violet Jane, @canary and @Kevinl. All really helpful points. I had wondered, if, there was anything, If there is any one way which is better for us work wise and financially, moving forward. Although my husband is so keen to do well and for it to work out. I don’t think that he could take many more failures there. He’s great if he’s had a good day but so stressed if not and he has said to them (when they are telling him his mistakes), just tell me if you want me to go and I will go. Ugh, just never been in this position with him. He’s always been so confident.
That is a good point about the microscope. I didn’t know that.
I won’t mention it though because I think that he thinks new lenses in his glasses, are going to be his only way forward.
One day at a time I think and just hope that things settle. Thank you all for your thoughts on this x

 

[RM3]

Morning. I wish I could do more to help my husband. I’m just heading in to work but gave him a quick call to check all ok. He said yes ok. ‘They are not letting me in to the other area anymore’. I said what do you mean. He said, I don’t know, they just said the guy training him will be in there and that they have put him in another room with some other guys but he doesn’t really know what is happening. I wish he would just go home but he doesn’t want to give in 😢

 

[RM3]

Morning. I wish I could do more to help my husband. I’m just heading in to work but gave him a quick call to check all ok. He said yes ok. ‘They are not letting me in to the other area anymore’. I said what do you mean. He said, I don’t know, they just said the guy training him will be in there and that they have put him in another room with some other guys but he doesn’t really know what is happening. I wish he would just go home but he doesn’t want to give in 😢

One of the ladies in HR there is a close family friend. I keep thinking that I should ask her to keep an eye on him but this is an invasion of his privacy or rights and might open a can of worms? X

 

[Violet Jane]

Oh dear. That's upsetting. I suppose that you could ask your friend to give you an indication of what's going on, off the record, but if you / your husband acted on what she told you she could face disciplinary action. Remember that she might be involved in any capability measures / the extended probation period. I wouldn't worry about an invasion of your husband's privacy / rights as your husband doesn't seem to understand what's happening.

I'm not sure that there's anything that you can do other than suggest that your husband take sick leave for a while. He'd probably need a doctor's certificate for this if it lasted more than a few days. This could buy him some time if anxiety / depression are the cause of his problems but I don't expect that the company would let him stay for long as he's a very new employee. It would be different if he had been there for years.

I don't know whether medical retirement is a possibility. Your husband doesn't have a diagnosis of anything and so the company would probably say that his employment is being terminated because he can't do the job (incompetence rather than illness or disability).

 

[RM3]

Oh dear. That's upsetting. I suppose that you could ask your friend to give you an indication of what's going on, off the record, but if you / your husband acted on what she told you she could face disciplinary action. Remember that she might be involved in any capability measures / the extended probation period. I wouldn't worry about an invasion of your husband's privacy / rights as your husband doesn't seem to understand what's happening.

I'm not sure that there's anything that you can do other than suggest that your husband take sick leave for a while. He'd probably need a doctor's certificate for this if it lasted more than a few days. This could buy him some time if anxiety / depression are the cause of his problems but I don't expect that the company would let him stay for long as he's a very new employee. It would be difficult if he had been there for years.

I don't know whether medical retirement is a possibility. Your husband doesn't have a diagnosis of anything and so the company would probably say that his employment is being terminated because he can't do the job (incompetence rather than illness or disability).

Yes, I think this is all a good overview of the situation. I think that I will just support and let things play out. He has never (literally never), taken a sick day in his working life, so I know that he will not do this.
It will be a push but we are thankfully in a position where he could retire. I will see how today goes. Thank you 🙏🏻 x

 

[canary]

It will be a push but we are thankfully in a position where he could retire

Dont forget that he should be eligible for PIP and ESA(support) if he loses his job/takes retirement. Neither of these are means tested. Once he has got PIP you can apply for Council Tax disregard (if you get a diagnosis or have a supportive GP) and if you earn less then £139 a week (£151 as from April) you can claim Carers Allowance.

Yes, its a push, but OH and I have survived on this for quite a while

 

[RM3]

Dont forget that he should be eligible for PIP and ESA(support) if he loses his job/takes retirement. Neither of these are means tested. Once he has got PIP you can apply for Council Tax disregard (if you get a diagnosis or have a supportive GP) and if you earn less then £139 a week (£151 as from April) you can claim Carers Allowance.

Yes, its a push, but OH and I have survived on this for quite a while

Hi Canary. Thank you for this. I will have a look at all of the options. Whatever the reason for this happening - it is happening and I think the best place for him, is at home. I work fortunately and can provide a good part of what we need (but certainly not all). Many thanks again, it helps to share my worries 🙏🏻 x