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- Thread starter HarrietD
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Hi - my Mum is in residential care and has been for three years. She was diagnosed around eight years ago with Alzheimers & Vascular dementia. She's had numerous TIAs, blind in one eye, doubly incontinent, had a mastectomy four years ago, very stubborn, depressed and has other various health issues. She knows me and my husband when we initially visit but talks to us about us as if we aren't there. We visit three or four times a week and try to bring her out at least one of those times. My husband wants to go away for a week next month but I can't bear to go and leave her... Do others feel this way - how do you get through this guilt. x
Hello @Adalla and welcome to this friendly and supportive forum. There is a lot of shared experience of dementia to be found here, so I am glad you have found us.
I am so sorry to read of your Mum's situation. On top of the dementia, all the other health conditions she has will make it extremely challenging both for her, and you as her family.
It sounds to me like you are doing an absolutely admirable thing by visiting your dear Mum in the residential care home as frequently as you are. You are just being brilliant.
Really though, you should take advantage of getting a week away as your husband has suggested if you can. Would your Mum want you to put your life with your own husband on hold? - I very much doubt it. Enjoy some time away - and there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty - just look at how wonderful you are being with the frequent regular visits you are doing the rest of the year.
I am so sorry to read of your Mum's situation. On top of the dementia, all the other health conditions she has will make it extremely challenging both for her, and you as her family.
It sounds to me like you are doing an absolutely admirable thing by visiting your dear Mum in the residential care home as frequently as you are. You are just being brilliant.
Really though, you should take advantage of getting a week away as your husband has suggested if you can. Would your Mum want you to put your life with your own husband on hold? - I very much doubt it. Enjoy some time away - and there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty - just look at how wonderful you are being with the frequent regular visits you are doing the rest of the year.
When my mum was in her care home and I couldnt visit for a while I used to send picture postcards in regularly so she knew I hadnt just left her. Its the sort of thing we had to do when I was on holiday as a child so to mum it made sense. Your mum will be well looked after, go and take that holiday
xx
Welcome to the forum @AndreDB.
From your post I’m taking it that you live outwith the UK. You’ll find lots of understanding and support on this forum. You might also want to use this link to see if there is an association in your own country where you might get some support -
www.alzint.org
Please keep posting here too though!
From your post I’m taking it that you live outwith the UK. You’ll find lots of understanding and support on this forum. You might also want to use this link to see if there is an association in your own country where you might get some support -
ADI - Find local support
Alzheimer and dementia associations around the world exist to provide information and support to people living with dementia and carers.
www.alzint.org
Please keep posting here too though!
Hello,
My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Early Onset Dementia two years ago. He was 70 in July. I retired last year. We are doing ok, not long back from a weeks holiday in Greece which was lovely but the travel was very stressful. Last week he was poorly with Flu. One night he had a high temperature which caused him much confusion. He didn't know where he was and ended up peeing down the banister as he thought he was in the bathroom. Not a great evening and it just made me aware of how the future might pan out. We are going to get Power of Attorney sorted soon.
I'm scared of what the future might bring. My mum had Vascular Dementia and she came to live with us when we lost my dad, eventually having to move onto a care home. She passed away in 2018, six years after her diagnosis. Just taking it one day at a time.
I'm so glad I have found this forum. Thanks for reading.
My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Early Onset Dementia two years ago. He was 70 in July. I retired last year. We are doing ok, not long back from a weeks holiday in Greece which was lovely but the travel was very stressful. Last week he was poorly with Flu. One night he had a high temperature which caused him much confusion. He didn't know where he was and ended up peeing down the banister as he thought he was in the bathroom. Not a great evening and it just made me aware of how the future might pan out. We are going to get Power of Attorney sorted soon.
I'm scared of what the future might bring. My mum had Vascular Dementia and she came to live with us when we lost my dad, eventually having to move onto a care home. She passed away in 2018, six years after her diagnosis. Just taking it one day at a time.
I'm so glad I have found this forum. Thanks for reading.
Welcome to the forum @Joyful 57. It’s a hard time for you both. I’m so glad you’ve found this forum.
Welcome from me too @Joyful 57
I feel for you and your OH.
In view of what you said about your mum, you may have some understanding of how things may progress with your OH. It's tougher for you with your OH that it probably was for you with your mother, in my view, as you have a higher emotional involvement and closer relationship with your husband. Yes, you have to take it day by day, and although you know and are therefore fearful of the future, don't dwell on that.
Yes, get Powers of Attorney sorted as soon as convenient, and any necessary updating of Will.
Post whenever you feel the need.
Get children, if any, involved - to understand, and to help and support (yes, I know they have their own lives to lead). Keep up with your friends, if not by meeting as often as you did, they can call in to chat t you, or you can use the phone or email. It really helps to have other adults to chat with, as your OH will, if he hasn't already, start to lose ability to socialise, follow chit chat, etc - my OH has, and that takes some getting used to.
Best wishes to you and a virtual hug.
Hello. I am Fiona, my dad is 82 and was diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia 4 weeks ago. He has been showing signs for some time, we had him at GP for tests in June. He fell whilst out a walk, and was in hospital for a month which fast-tracked his diagnosis. Since discharge last week his dementia seems more pronounced. We are all emotionally exhausted. We are trying to process - when do we tell him he can't drive anymore, deal with his changed mood, manage the confusion etc. We are trying to establish a routine to make things easier and also support my mum. There is a long to-do list. It feels over-whelming. As yet we haven't seen a social worker. I am hoping to make progress on that today.
Fiona
Fiona
Hi @FionaB2023 and welcome to our supportive and friendly community of people who have experience of many aspects of dementia. I am sorry to hear about your Dad. There's a lot to think about and this is a great place to ask questions, pick up ideas, join in conversations and let off steam. You'll find plenty of understanding and empathy from our members. I have no experience of frontotemporal dementia but others here have. This link may be helpful:
www.alzheimers.org.uk
Frontotemporal dementia (FTD): Understanding your diagnosis
If you have recently been diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia (FTD) - including Pick's disease - this booklet is for you
www.alzheimers.org.uk
Welcome to the forum @FionaB2023
A diagnosis of dementia is most overwhelming, there`s no getting away from it.
All you can do is try to take each day as it comes to give you all some time to process what is happening to all your lives.
Here is one of the publications which might help.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
A diagnosis of dementia is most overwhelming, there`s no getting away from it.
All you can do is try to take each day as it comes to give you all some time to process what is happening to all your lives.
Here is one of the publications which might help.
Caring for a person with dementia: A practical guide
Are you supporting someone living with dementia? Get your copy of the latest version of our guide for carers.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
Hi Jenny
I’ve just joined this forum and your post resonates with me. I absolutely understand that feeling of grief that comes with losing someone ‘in stages’. Like you, I have occasional times where my Dad seems more like himself but it’s not often. It makes me sad that I feel I’m forgetting who he was - and I feel guilty because I don’t want this awful slow deterioration to take any longer than necessary (so it feels as if I’m wishing him no longer here whereas it’s the dementia I’m wishing away). It is extremely stressful - I’ve dealt with many ‘heavy’ times in my life but this is an exceptionally challenging burden (an emotional burden; I’m not saying he is a burden!) I feel for you. It’s hard; just know you’re not alone. Sending you lots of positive vibes and a heartfelt hug. 🤗
thank you, that is much appreciated, the document was really helpful, I know we have a long road ahead, trying to take each day as it comes
thanks, the first few days were so intense I couldn't face reading anything, but I am now getting some headspace for that
Hi, thanks for replying and apologies for the slow delay in responding. I don't think the strap is changeable and the thing with the pendant is that is does not register a fall and would require my Mum to press the button. I don't think she would retain awareness of that. But I am going to see if a less chunky wrist alarm would work with the current set up.
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