Hi restpite a disaster took oh to care home yesterday just in time for tea carer took him from me , everything fine he went in smiling left ,had a lovely evening with daughter and son in law .went home packed my case ready for overnight trip .had a bit of restless night thinking of o h .got out of bed thinking not heard anything so all must be ok , got myself ready lovely only myself to think about .then disaster phone rang oh care home can you come and sit with husband for a little while he upset only tried to strangle one of careres .and trying to escape and and swearing . So I went and he was so distressed I fetched him home ,must admit he took a while to settle but ok now .so what now think to soon for over night stays.any advise .must admit I feel angry after all the thoughts not going then yes I am going .but it was so out of character he is usaly quiet .
Very sorry to hear that there was such a reaction to the planned break. Alas, not something unheard of.. Any 'change' in environment poses potential problems with dementia. I have seen residents seriously unsettled when having to vacate a lounge in order for it to be cleansed. Dementia plays on the senses in varied ways and often with quite pronounced outcomes. Respite can be a very good thing - if it works? Planning ahead, making quite sure that the facility
has expertise on dementia, not just awareness - but specialist care - also that the loved one has frequented a chosen facility, where Carers and environment and regime has proven to be to their liking, .i.e. they feel safe and 'settled' in that environment. All of this takes a little time, but can result in a positive outcome. Preparation is the key in all of this. But we are all different and that is the crux. There are no templates to success. Some family members ensure that a a relation or close friend attend daycare with a loved one, if they cannot be present themselves. Respite is really a precursor to eventual residential care. This mention of 'capacity' is important. Some dementias retain an awareness of situation, which can be difficult. This is why it is imperative to assess very thoroughly, have the GP check things out to gain a true perspective on any decision prior to respite. But the actual managing of our loved one, when things become very difficult and approach a point of no return, then you really have little choice. My own experience was with 'emergency respite'. I prefer not to detail events because it was deeply unpleasant and does not require re-telling in this context. However, the first few hours were difficult for the Carers, my mother was very unsettled - shouting, lashing out, et al - but the Care Home were not only aware of dementia, they were 'hands on' specialists in all dementias and thus able to manage the situation come what may. They knew how to address aggression or physical presentations without consequence and without having to call in family members - albeit that they ALWAYS kept me informed at every stage of this initial 'respite'. There was a period in which my mother eventually became 'settled' - three months. So the respite which entails a desire for the carer to benefit from a well deserved short break, is quite challenging, simply owing to the fact that dementia dislikes 'change'. But it should not be impossible. It seems perhaps reasonable to look at an ongoing 'routine' of attendance (Care Home/Daycare) whereby a genuine 'comfort' factor comes into play and the possibility of a short term stay then becomes viable. But I truly appreciate the reluctance of anyone not wishing to repeat a traumatic exercise, unpleasant and upsetting for all concerned.
I do hope that you can arrange a potentially more untroubled respite in the near future. Something which you not only deserve, but which is really an undeniable right.