Respite

[60sDave]

I am disabled and my partner cares for me. My dad recently moved in with us following an abusive marriage. My partner now cares for me and my dad. I have a hospital appointment so we've had to put dad in respite for a week and he's not happy and keeps saying he wants to come home and "how long am i here for?". We will have to use respite again in the future but I know he's going to pull on the heartstrings again. Of course he'd rather be at home, but there's nothing else we can do, it's only temporary and I feel so guilty

 

[Kevinl]

Can't read and run, just saying you're not alone. K

 

[SAP]

@60sDave neither you or your partner can be in two places at once. Of course your dad wants to be at home but if there is no one there to keep him safe then he needs to be somewhere they can look after him. Please don’t feel guilty, you are already doing so much as is your partner.

 

[Kevinl]

Never feel guilty, the best decision at the time is the right decision.
Don't beat yourself up about it, never doubt that, we are all just doing our best at the time.
Don't let greed eat you up, please. K

 

[60sDave]

Thank you all for your support. Dad's only been in since thursday lunchtime, ive called him twice daily and he just keeps saying how awful it is and pleads "please don't leave me in here, promise me, please, i'd want to die if you left me in here", I've never felt so awful.
I know he will have to go in again so we get a break. But the guilt is horrendous. Of course I don't want him to go into care but I also realise our limitations. He's very frail, and his mobility is not good at all.

 

[phill]

Thank you all for your support. Dad's only been in since thursday lunchtime, ive called him twice daily and he just keeps saying how awful it is and pleads "please don't leave me in here, promise me, please, i'd want to die if you left me in here", I've never felt so awful.
I know he will have to go in again so we get a break. But the guilt is horrendous. Of course I don't want him to go into care but I also realise our limitations. He's very frail, and his mobility is not good at all.

Could you consider phoning him less frequently than twice a day? If your phone calls are for the purpose of reassuring you about his welfare, you could still check in with the staff without speaking to him himself. Some people with dementia settle into new surroundings more easily if they have more uninterrupted time to get used to being looked after by new people and get used to the care routines there.

 

[genevieve 76]

Hi my husband has mixed dementia, bedridden and incontinent, carers weren't any help as they couldn't actually come when they were needed, for example 4 o'clock in the morning. I was lucky enough that social worker recommended respite, this saved my sanity if not my life. It was suggested that I didn't ring him or visit the first time he went. I kept in touch with the home only. He was upset when we went to collect him but he did agree to return. Since then he has been twice more and the staff know him and chat to him. It is difficult, and I do feel guilty but it is needed. The first time I was so stressed but my daughter said," all they have to do is keep him alive for 2 weeks. And he was looked after. I'm just saying, you need the respite so don't beat yourself up.

 

[Collywobbles]

Although in long-term rather than respite care, my granny was triggered by our well-meaning calls to her. She would start the conversation calm, and end up hysterical. There were other factors, but with her carers, we concluded that our calls were more for our benefit than hers and we stopped.

Don’t feel bad about not calling. In early days of care, contact and visits are known to be a trigger for upset. Your Dad is exactly where he needs to be under the circumstances. You’ve thought about what’s best for him and arranged for it to happen.

If it helps, I suspect your Dad won’t remember his distress once he’s home again, and that it’s everyone else who will bear the trauma longer term.