Family issues

[Dinny]

My mothers been in respite for 4 weeks I was hoping she would stay but the home wasn’t engaging enough to keep her happily singing and getting an occasional beer -but on top of that my 2 sisters whom rarely visit her said she’s not ready to be in care she is now back at home with 4 carers a day and already bored again and extremely vunerable - my sisters want a video call re her future but everytime I enclued them on a what’s app chat I get abuse - verbally horrible - moms ok don’t need carers or a home but I see her daily and the one sees her once a week for an hour with her husband and the other 1 to 2 nights every 3 months or so - the last 6 months have been hell mom drank dettol in January and kept saying she wanted to die and was permanently in pain - I got her in respite 25/3 to 22/4 and gave me a break except what was worse was the abuse from my sisters - they won’t or can’t help but continue to stress me I’ve had high blood presssure and nose bleeds and ulcers etc for months I tell them I need help but if I ask to pick up meds it’s just abuse - I can’t cope the social worker knows I have the POA but keeps saying let’s have a best interest for mom meeting but my partner. Says every time you try to enclude your family you are more stressed than looking after her alone and it’s killing you and me

My partner has supported me wholly and sourly with mom since my father died 4 years we have been together 38 years I find it extremely sad my own sisters can’t support mom or me either

Any advice would be appreciated

 

[Sue741215]

I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles - it is enough to cope with supporting your mum more or less on your own without additional problems from your family.

Do you know why the Social worker is suggesting a best interest meeting - could it be that she thinks you need more help with your mom - if so it may be worth trying. Perhaps you could ask the Social Worker what she thinks the meeting will achieve.

I think it is truly right that you are the one looking after her so you should make the decisions. If it were me I think I would write a letter to my sisters suggesting that you need help with your mum and ask them to come and take on her care for a few days so they will have a better understanding of her needs. If they will not do that (and it sounds as if they won't) then just say firmly that you are responsible for her care and must do as you see fit. Hopefully you can still remain friends with them while refusing to engage about your mum's care. I am glad you have a supportive partner to help you and give you the confidence you need to stand by your decisions.

You need to think about whether you can continue to take responsibility for her being cared for at home. If she is not able to fund residential care then it will be for you to persuade social workers that she needs residential care - the incidence with the Dettol suggests that she does or soon will need residential care. If it comes to this you will need to inform your sisters firmly that the decision has been made in consultation with social workers and suggest they contact the social worker if they are not happy.

I'm not sure whether you are at this stage with your mom but if not please take care of your own health and well being - your mum would not want you to become ill through looking after her. If you can get more respite care take it and don't be influenced by anyone else. Remember you are doing a wonderful thing caring for your mom and be proud of yourself. My best wishes to you, your mom and your partner.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Hi @Dinny Sorry that you are not getting any help from your sisters, this is a very common situation and there are many posts on here concerning unhelpful siblings, I think I may have contributed to more than a few.

I am guessing that your mum may own her own home as this is often the source of the problem. Are your sisters concerned that their inheritance may disappear in care home fees. I may be wrong of course and your mum may have no money at all, in which case, what are they worried about?

Anyway whatever the reason, if your sisters are not prepared to lend a hand then they really have no say in the matter. The fact that your mum has previously drunk Dettol suggests that she can not live safely on her own and it sounds like carer visits will not be enough.

Have the best interests meeting without your sisters and make it known that you are no longer able to care for her anymore because you can't go on like this however good your partner is. I cared for my dad in his own home 24/7 in the end and I was living out of a rucksack and only going home when my husband could take over for me and it did me no good at all.

My relationship with my brother has never recovered even since my dad died and I doubt it ever will. Sad but you need to think about yourself because your sisters won't.

 

[Dinny]

Hi @Dinny Sorry that you are not getting any help from your sisters, this is a very common situation and there are many posts on here concerning unhelpful siblings, I think I may have contributed to more than a few.

I am guessing that your mum may own her own home as this is often the source of the problem. Are your sisters concerned that their inheritance may disappear in care home fees. I may be wrong of course and your mum may have no money at all, in which case, what are they worried about?

Anyway whatever the reason, if your sisters are not prepared to lend a hand then they really have no say in the matter. The fact that your mum has previously drunk Dettol suggests that she can not live safely on her own and it sounds like carer visits will not be enough.

Have the best interests meeting without your sisters and make it known that you are no longer able to care for her anymore because you can't go on like this however good your partner is. I cared for my dad in his own home 24/7 in the end and I was living out of a rucksack and only going home when my husband could take over for me and it did me no good at all.

My relationship with my brother has never recovered even since my dad died and I doubt it ever will. Sad but you need to think about yourself because your sisters won't.

Thank you for your reply I much appreciate the help and support

 

[Dinny]

Hi @Dinny Sorry that you are not getting any help from your sisters, this is a very common situation and there are many posts on here concerning unhelpful siblings, I think I may have contributed to more than a few.

I am guessing that your mum may own her own home as this is often the source of the problem. Are your sisters concerned that their inheritance may disappear in care home fees. I may be wrong of course and your mum may have no money at all, in which case, what are they worried about?

Anyway whatever the reason, if your sisters are not prepared to lend a hand then they really have no say in the matter. The fact that your mum has previously drunk Dettol suggests that she can not live safely on her own and it sounds like carer visits will not be enough.

Have the best interests meeting without your sisters and make it known that you are no longer able to care for her anymore because you can't go on like this however good your partner is. I cared for my dad in his own home 24/7 in the end and I was living out of a rucksack and only going home when my husband could take over for me and it did me no good at all.

My relationship with my brother has never recovered even since my dad died and I doubt it ever will. Sad but you need to think about yourself because your sisters won't.

Thank you for your reply support and suggestions sorry to hear your story too

 

[Dinny]

Thank you for your reply support and suggestions sorry to hear your story too

Yes mom would have to sell her house to pay for her care yes I truly but sadly am sure they are more concerned for their inheritance than mom’s welfare 😢

 

[Collywobbles]

A best interests meeting might very well be the first step towards Social Services recommending that a care home is now more appropriate. 4 carer home visits a day is most likely the maximum possible, and as your Mum’s condition worsens, a care home will eventually be the only logical option.

As LPA, I’d recommend that you embrace that meeting, and attend without telling your siblings. Maybe if they have experts recommending a care home, they’d be more inclined to understand the gravity of the situation. You shouldn’t have to be taking their abuse, and I’m so sorry that’s happening on top of everything else.

 

[jay6]

Yes mom would have to sell her house to pay for her care yes I truly but sadly am sure they are more concerned for their inheritance than mom’s welfare 😢

Unfortunately this seems so common. Some people seem to think its their 'right' to inherit. Look how many distant relatives turn up when someone is facing possible death? I experienced that when my OH almost died from a devastating stroke, it was touch and go for a while. Haven't seen the relatives since.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Yes mom would have to sell her house to pay for her care yes I truly but sadly am sure they are more concerned for their inheritance than mom’s welfare 😢

As I thought, yes I experienced the very same with my brother. The fact is that your mums money is hers and should be used for her benefit alone. An inheritance is not a right and as long as your mum is alive then her money is hers and should not be viewed as an inheritance for your sisters.

You seem to have your head screwed on correctly so it is you and only you who can protect your mum and see that she gets the care that she needs. Have the meeting and be perfectly clear that your mum needs help and cannot live alone. Your sisters should have no say in the matter as they are not contributing to your mums care in any way. You need to protect yourself because your sisters will let you do all the caring and still expect to receive their inheritance without helping your mum.

Your health and welfare as a carer comes first, closely followed by that of your mum so your sisters should be out of the picture.

Put bluntly 'stuff your sisters, they are irrelevant'

 

[jay6]

As I thought, yes I experienced the very same with my brother. The fact is that your mums money is hers and should be used for her benefit alone. An inheritance is not a right and as long as your mum is alive then her money is hers and should not be viewed as an inheritance for your sisters.

You seem to have your head screwed on correctly so it is you and only you who can protect your mum and see that she gets the care that she needs. Have the meeting and be perfectly clear that your mum needs help and cannot live alone. Your sisters should have no say in the matter as they are not contributing to your mums care in any way. You need to protect yourself because your sisters will let you do all the caring and still expect to receive their inheritance without helping your mum.

Your health and welfare as a carer comes first, closely followed by that of your mum so your sisters should be out of the picture.

Put bluntly 'stuff your sisters, they are irrelevant'

Totally agree!