Ahhhh I understand now. I am so sorry that you are grieving for your husband, my husband died two years ago and I do understand. Please don't feel guilty - he would not have wanted you to feel that in the same way if your positions were reversed you would not want him to feel bad. He would want you to be sad but move on with your life to happier times and keep the happy memories of all those good times you have together!
Please do not consider moving your relative with Dementia into your house
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Ahhhh I understand now. I am so sorry that you are grieving for your husband, my husband died two years ago and I do understand. Please don't feel guilty - he would not have wanted you to feel that in the same way if your positions were reversed you would not want him to feel bad. He would want you to be sad but move on with your life to happier times and keep the happy memories of all those good times you have together!
Hi Bear, it is tough and you are right some of us can cope and some find it much more difficult - neither is right or wrong, we do what we can for our families at the time they need us most. If someone really can't do it then I agree with you it is better to leave than to make someone feel they are a burden or worse.
Please try to take care of yourself too and I hope that you find a way to make life easier for all of you whilst still caring for Dad xxx
I'm afraid I agree with Lisa.
I care for two parents with fairly advanced dementia in their own home. However two years ago a combination of circumstances( major house fire at my parents, my father driving into the local hospital literally up to his windscreen( cut out by fire brigade) and more ) meant I ended up with carer breakdown. My younger daughter who was at uni couldn't cope with me having to always drop everything for the next crisis and applied for special dispensation to remain in college over the holidays in order to be able to study in some form of peace. I found it hard not to feel I had failed her.
I feel that although one's relatives deserve the best care one can try to put in place it should not be at the expense of husbands and children and sadly so often it is. There is a phrase used in childcare of being a "good enough" parent not a perfect one and I think that should also apply to care of relatives. I am not trying to be sanctimonious but I really feel that you have to look at the impact on the whole family not just the person with dementia.
I care for two parents with fairly advanced dementia in their own home. However two years ago a combination of circumstances( major house fire at my parents, my father driving into the local hospital literally up to his windscreen( cut out by fire brigade) and more ) meant I ended up with carer breakdown. My younger daughter who was at uni couldn't cope with me having to always drop everything for the next crisis and applied for special dispensation to remain in college over the holidays in order to be able to study in some form of peace. I found it hard not to feel I had failed her.
I feel that although one's relatives deserve the best care one can try to put in place it should not be at the expense of husbands and children and sadly so often it is. There is a phrase used in childcare of being a "good enough" parent not a perfect one and I think that should also apply to care of relatives. I am not trying to be sanctimonious but I really feel that you have to look at the impact on the whole family not just the person with dementia.
Gosh, I'm new to this forum but I'm sensing a slight 'them and us' attitude building here. It seems to me that people care out of love, duty, guilt, concern for what others will think or a combination of some/all of those factors.
How one feels about it also surely depends on whether it's your other half, parent (in law), grandparent, more distant relative or even your next door neighbour. It also depends on your age, life experience, other family responsibilities and the relationship you had with the PWD in the earlier years.
Lisa, you are a young woman and this is too much responsibility for you, it's obvious that you care about your family, you wouldn't be posting on this forum if you didn't.
Being a carer can obviously be all consuming for some people, they are defined by their caring role, it's understandable that they should consider themselves an 'expert' and wish to share their wisdom, but that's their wisdom gleaned from their experience, it won't be the same as yours. Your feelings are completely valid, I wish you, your family and your grandmother, a peaceful resolution.
How one feels about it also surely depends on whether it's your other half, parent (in law), grandparent, more distant relative or even your next door neighbour. It also depends on your age, life experience, other family responsibilities and the relationship you had with the PWD in the earlier years.
Lisa, you are a young woman and this is too much responsibility for you, it's obvious that you care about your family, you wouldn't be posting on this forum if you didn't.
Being a carer can obviously be all consuming for some people, they are defined by their caring role, it's understandable that they should consider themselves an 'expert' and wish to share their wisdom, but that's their wisdom gleaned from their experience, it won't be the same as yours. Your feelings are completely valid, I wish you, your family and your grandmother, a peaceful resolution.
Dear All
Please all be kind to yourselves, it has been very helpful to me to have this forum and realise the complex issues and the A'level in guilt we can all claim on our CVs.
I feel all points made are vey valid and I do worry about the impact on my teenage daughters though at the same time wishing to do the best for my MIl their grandma ,fortuanately we have yet to have the difficulties encountered by Lisa or many of you.. it is so diifcult to know what is right thing and hindsight is a wonderful thing,
I wish
I had found the forum before I had MIl living with us just so I went into it with eyes wide open and for that Lisa's post is important to share those views and also any counter balance them.
Please all do remeber no one would be here if we didn't care, even on our ' I can't take this anymore days'
Thank you all for the support recieved so far
Please all be kind to yourselves, it has been very helpful to me to have this forum and realise the complex issues and the A'level in guilt we can all claim on our CVs.
I feel all points made are vey valid and I do worry about the impact on my teenage daughters though at the same time wishing to do the best for my MIl their grandma ,fortuanately we have yet to have the difficulties encountered by Lisa or many of you.. it is so diifcult to know what is right thing and hindsight is a wonderful thing,
I wish
I had found the forum before I had MIl living with us just so I went into it with eyes wide open and for that Lisa's post is important to share those views and also any counter balance them.
Please all do remeber no one would be here if we didn't care, even on our ' I can't take this anymore days'
Thank you all for the support recieved so far
I have to agree with the opening poster - think very long and hard.
We have decided that my Father in Law is to stay in his care home despite him asking to come and live with us every time we visit. He has physical problems too, is incontinent and neither my husband or I wish to become carers for a demanding old gentleman. And we no longer have young children at home.
In the end, in my opinion (and I am sure some will strongly disagree) there is a choice "my life or your life" (to varying degrees). It is NOT (in my opinion wrong) to choose "my life". Caring full time for a relative who needs 24/7 care is an enormous sacrifice, one that not everyone or will wish to make, or make other family members make.
My FIL is in a very nice care home - lovely staff who are cheerful, excellent at what they do.
We have decided that my Father in Law is to stay in his care home despite him asking to come and live with us every time we visit. He has physical problems too, is incontinent and neither my husband or I wish to become carers for a demanding old gentleman. And we no longer have young children at home.
In the end, in my opinion (and I am sure some will strongly disagree) there is a choice "my life or your life" (to varying degrees). It is NOT (in my opinion wrong) to choose "my life". Caring full time for a relative who needs 24/7 care is an enormous sacrifice, one that not everyone or will wish to make, or make other family members make.
My FIL is in a very nice care home - lovely staff who are cheerful, excellent at what they do.
I think the other consideration, Missy, is that if you choose to move the PwD in, there is no guarantee that the PwD is going to be any happier. You may end up sacrificing your life without any thanks (as often the PwD is beyond empathy and totally centred on his or hers own demands and needs) and even without the emotional satisfaction of seeing that person content.
With my father - for years he'd been telling me his life was miserable, even before he had dementia, simply as old age and ailments took their toll. I tried to get him to move close to me but he wouldn't. He ended up in hospital and then a care home because of dementia and always wanted to go back home. But I knew the misery was not so much caused by his location as by his physical and mental decline, and nothing was going to alleviate that, except - in the end - the blessed relief (and it was) of death.
This whole thread has resonated with me quite strongly. All sides of the 'argument' have discussed many worthwhile things to consider. There's definitely lots for me to think about our (already difficult) situation with our dad who lives with us (but didn't move in).
When I joined TP one often heard the phrase used ' only one life should be lost to dementia' in a comforting way. People were at various stages in their caring journey ( to put it in psychobabble ) and support was gently offered.
Every person and their dementia are different yes but also as we all know sometimes what is easy to cope with at the beginning of dementia ,occasional forgetfulness etc can develop into more complex issues of aggression ,poo etc. I think that everyone is entitled to say I have had enough without being judged. Or to continue to care under very tricky circumstances. And not be judged.
It is more complex when others who did not originally sign up for the experience and I feel that all of us who care for parents and have children of our own should hear voices such as Lisa. And stop and think...maybe carry on ,maybe modify things.
Every person and their dementia are different yes but also as we all know sometimes what is easy to cope with at the beginning of dementia ,occasional forgetfulness etc can develop into more complex issues of aggression ,poo etc. I think that everyone is entitled to say I have had enough without being judged. Or to continue to care under very tricky circumstances. And not be judged.
It is more complex when others who did not originally sign up for the experience and I feel that all of us who care for parents and have children of our own should hear voices such as Lisa. And stop and think...maybe carry on ,maybe modify things.
Ah Lisa I feel for you. I can totally understand why you feel the way you do. This horrible disease not only destroys our loved ones, but can destroy the carer too. I'm certain your Gran would not want to be a burden, but your mum and dad obviously love and cherish her to the point they want to be her carers full time. Its very hard and I feel bitter some days, hopeless some days, scared some days. These emotions are normal and I can speak from experience as my mum now lives with us. Its good to vent on here and no one judges you at all. I feel for you all, I really do xx
Grable; I would most definitely move my mum closer to where I lived. As others have pointed out, if your brother barely visits now, he certainly will not when mums in care. I speak from experience, I have 3 brothers. None of them have ever visited mum frequently and now she lives with us, they never visit! I feel daft for thinking they would change, they never have, time to do what's best for you, and I would say for your mum its be closer to the child that cherishes her the most. xx
Grable; I would most definitely move my mum closer to where I lived. As others have pointed out, if your brother barely visits now, he certainly will not when mums in care. I speak from experience, I have 3 brothers. None of them have ever visited mum frequently and now she lives with us, they never visit! I feel daft for thinking they would change, they never have, time to do what's best for you, and I would say for your mum its be closer to the child that cherishes her the most. xx
Looking after mother
I can understand the frustration of this. I have looked after my 83 yr old mother for only 6 months. I am 53 and I know I could potentially end up looking after her for a long time.
I feel angry... though I don't want to... that my mother kind of started her life at my age as my dad died then and she went off to live àbroad and had a wonderful past 25 years.. so echoing your thoughts Lisa x
I can understand the frustration of this. I have looked after my 83 yr old mother for only 6 months. I am 53 and I know I could potentially end up looking after her for a long time.
I feel angry... though I don't want to... that my mother kind of started her life at my age as my dad died then and she went off to live àbroad and had a wonderful past 25 years.. so echoing your thoughts Lisa x
I have to totally agree with you I look after my father in law in his home which means we have had to sell ours I have a little boy and the sheer stress that it causes on a daily basis is awful its all very well saying put them in a home but we have found out we would lose the house and have nowhere to live I am extremely angry at the illness and although people feel sorry for the person with the illness they are in a world of their own and its us who have their day to day life turned completely upside down I know they wouldn't choose to be like that but the fact remains they are and I wish I had known what it entailed because I definitely wouldn't have done it. the only thing you can do is wish for a better day tomorrow and I mean just being able to struggle through
I have just read a comment about my life or theirs that being more important and I have to say it is ours my fil is 88 and my little boy is 8 you do the math I know it sounds harsh but its reality I am afraid
It does sound harsh. It's also understandable, given your circumstances. But does anyone have the right to judge that one life is 'more important' than another?
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