Please do not consider moving your relative with Dementia into your house

[sleepingplum]

selfish

I have posted before and read comments this morning I am totally selfish we have moved in with my fil and sold our home to make sure he didn't go into a home. if only I had known I would have been totally selfish and put him straight into a home. foolishly thinking that the lovely man from before wouldn't change as much and he would be forgetful and perhaps wander a bit.OMG I didn't realise the things that come with it. I cant put him in a home as the house is still in his name as the family thought his heart failure would get him before the dementia. I am now stuck with him and feel that our family is put on hold my little boy is 8 and definitely doesn't deserve the life we have. everyone feels sorry for the person with the illness but they are in a world of their own and we have all the **** and stress I would never advocate anyone looking after a person with dementia and everything that goes with it. I sound bitter I know but after 6 years of aggression, incontinence lack of sleep amongst other things iam entitled my child has only ever known this and after waiting 20 years for him its not what I had hoped for him

 

[CJinUSA]

I have posted before and read comments this morning I am totally selfish we have moved in with my fil and sold our home to make sure he didn't go into a home. if only I had known I would have been totally selfish and put him straight into a home. foolishly thinking that the lovely man from before wouldn't change as much and he would be forgetful and perhaps wander a bit.OMG I didn't realise the things that come with it. I cant put him in a home as the house is still in his name as the family thought his heart failure would get him before the dementia. I am now stuck with him and feel that our family is put on hold my little boy is 8 and definitely doesn't deserve the life we have. everyone feels sorry for the person with the illness but they are in a world of their own and we have all the **** and stress I would never advocate anyone looking after a person with dementia and everything that goes with it. I sound bitter I know but after 6 years of aggression, incontinence lack of sleep amongst other things iam entitled my child has only ever known this and after waiting 20 years for him its not what I had hoped for him

I am sorry you are feeling like this was a poor decision. You're right: many of us worry about the person with dementia more than we worry about ourselves. I'm one of those. I would not call you selfish.

I'm hearing frustation at FIL, but it seems part of the frustration is about your financial condition - that if you send FIL to a home, it will require that you sell his property and thus lose your place to live. And another part of your frustration is that you are spending time with FIL rather than taking care of your child.

There are three issues, in other words: your difficult financial condition, your being a mother of a young child, and your FIL's illness.

It sounds like you and OH might do well to get some financial counseling to see if all of the options have been explored. Your upset seems to be focused on the person least able to take care of himself and most in need. It's not his fault he is sick, and it's not his fault your financial condition is such that you won't have anywhere to go if you have to sell his home to finance his care.

Perhaps he *would* be better off in a care home. I hope someone comes along soon and tries to make suggestions as to your financial strait so that FIL can get the treatment he needs and deserves from carers who know what the score is, and then you can get on with your life, have a home, and enjoy your motherhood a bit.

Caring is not for everyone, and it's not a crime to say you don't want to be a carer. My concern is for your FIL, that his financial condition is not compromised, nor his health. I'd really look into talking seriously with a lawyer or someone from your area's office of the aging to see how this can be managed that you wouldn't lose your home *and* FIL can get the skilled care he deserves. Perhaps start a thread of your own asking for advice about financial matters and explaining the pickle you are in.

 

[sleepingplum]

my financial situation is fine and I don't see why I should have to take on a small mortgage for a new home when I have ploughed 25000 pounds into this one after selling my own property. you are right I don't want to be a carer especially with the abuse I get but I can assure you my father in law wants for nothing and is definitely a lot better off in a world of his own than us he is bathed fed taken out on a daily basis which is mostly at the detriment of my own family in fact I have had nothing but thoughtful words said about my care but if I had more information about what this entailed I wouldn't of done it for a gold cow

 

[Pickles53]

my financial situation is fine and I don't see why I should have to take on a small mortgage for a new home when I have ploughed 25000 pounds into this one after selling my own property. you are right I don't want to be a carer especially with the abuse I get but I can assure you my father in law wants for nothing and is definitely a lot better off in a world of his own than us he is bathed fed taken out on a daily basis which is mostly at the detriment of my own family in fact I have had nothing but thoughtful words said about my care but if I had more information about what this entailed I wouldn't of done it for a gold cow

Sleeping plum I am not an expert but I would suggest you might want to find out whether it is true that you would have to leave your FIL's home if he went into a care home. Sorry if you already know this, but the statutory guidance specifically mentions the possibility that a property could be disregarded if the home is occupied by a person who has given up their own home to become a carer. There are circumstances where the home must be disregarded.

Look at Annex B of the guidance, especially sections 34 to 43. Then maybe contact an adviser from Age UK, AS, or CAB as they may be able to tell you how your local LA tends to look at these situations.

Of course none of this is relevant if you want to continue caring for your FIL as you do now, but there may come a time when this is no longer possible or desirable, and it is as well to know what your options might be.

https://www.gov.uk/government/uploa.../file/366104/43380_23902777_Care_Act_Book.pdf

 

[betsie]

I think we can all agree that the people on this forum all love, care, stress and worry about their loved one who has dementia. If they didn't they wouldn't be on here looking for advice and support.

As a parent myself and daughter to parents who both have/had dementia, I like most people did not bring my children into this world to look after me when I am old and sick. I want them to care but I do not expect them to be my carers. I would hate them to have the stress from looking after me as I have had with my parents. I know it has impacted on my health and my family life.

my dad died last year at 89 yrs after at least 10 years of dementia and mum is 86 soon ( formally diagnosed 3 yrs ago). Both their sets of parents died in their 50's so they never had to care for someone with dementia or think about what they would want to happen if it affected them. I think this is why so many of us struggle with guilt, if our pre dementia parents had said to us to put them into full time care when they were no longer able to live safely on their own I think it would relieve this guilt.
I have told both my children to do this with me when and hopefully if the time comes as my sisters have done with their children.

There is no right or wrong, we do what we can, we are human, we make mistakes but we do all CARE.

 

[Saffie]

Just to say that with vascular dementia, the saying once you have see one person with vascular dementia, you have seen one person with vascular dementia runs true just as In all dementia. Aggression and Violence is something that can occur with all dementia bit doesn't necessarily do so.

 

[Mark_W]

Hello all, the moderation team have closed this thread as we believe the discussion has run it's course. We'd ask all our members that while you're free to share your experiences on Talking Point please bear in mind that everyone brings their own different experiences here. Also can we please keep in mind that Talking Point is a support community and our posts should reflect that.

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