Panic at my decision

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
59
I am in complete panic mode. I feel sick and totally mortified at my decision to place my love in a nursing home.He is due to leave hospital after a stay of approx 8 weeks on Tuesday this week. I have this weekend been taking over his clothes and favorite things etc and it has totally crucified me. I just want to call a halt to the whole process .I can't believe this is the best thing to do, even though everyone involved, including my loving daughters keep telling me it is. I am writing this through tears ,they just won't stop.
 

SoAlone

Registered User
May 19, 2016
137
Devon
Bless you marshal, you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel that way. I went through this experience myself 15 months ago, and it is so traumatic. Sending you a huge virtual hug. I think we all allow ourselves to cope because they are just in hospital, with the potential to leave any time, my OH was 3 months in an Assessment Centre before the move to a Nursing Home was made. You love that man with all your heart and probably have been together many years with dreams of a future retirement spent enjoying your memories together. This mean thief of a disease has taken that from you both and you are angry sad and probably exhausted. Be kind to yourself, don't mind the tears, they are symbols of your grief, for although your OH is still physically here you will be grieving for the loss of the person you were going to spend the rest of your life with. Don't listen to your guilt listen to the lovely girls who are looking out for you both. Use TP to let the outbursts take form and disappear. It has been my 'go to' place through this difficult journey. I would love to say it gets easier, and maybe in a way it does, but you will need your strength for the future don't let wrongful feelings steal that too. Thinking of you today, when I go and visit x
 

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
59
THANK YOU..I will do my best to be stronger as this attitude is doing me no good at all. At the moment I feel as though this awful disease is trying it's best to get me at the same time. I know it is a long hard road ahead but I am not sure I can make it .I will have to get some backbone from some where. I am grateful for your thoughts and for taking the time to send your reply. Will be on here again very soon .
 

pevensey

Registered User
Feb 14, 2012
232
South East Coast.
THANK YOU..I will do my best to be stronger as this attitude is doing me no good at all. At the moment I feel as though this awful disease is trying it's best to get me at the same time. I know it is a long hard road ahead but I am not sure I can make it .I will have to get some backbone from some where. I am grateful for your thoughts and for taking the time to send your reply. Will be on here again very soon .
@Marshall, this is the most traumatic, heartbreaking decision you will ever have to make in your life, and to think that it's the best thing to do for your Love, is not on your radar. I cant really say I know what your going through at this desperate time for you, BUT I think I will be goi g through it soon. And just thinking about it makes me feel sick and selfish, and so guilty. P.ease try and think of the reason this is happening the bad days when you couldnt cope, when you were probably in despair. Then try and think of how safe he will be and cared for while you get the good bits by looking forward to your visits, taking him goodies you know he loves and having time to take care of yourself. You are NOT selfish or less caring , or guilty for making this decision . You are doing what's BEST for your Love and that's being a very caring and strong person. I can almost feel your pain as it's a pain I'm going to go through soon.PLEASE take care and
LOOK AFTER YOURSELF
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,005
Scotland
I am in exactly the same position. I feel as if I have abandoned my husband even though I know that after 3 weeks in hospital post surgery there was no choice. He needs nursing care on shifts and not me struggling in my own 24/7. I have done that for seven years. Logic and reason are up against emotion and almost sixty years of loving him.

With this disease broken hearts abound.
 

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
59
@Marshall, this is the most traumatic, heartbreaking decision you will ever have to make in your life, and to think that it's the best thing to do for your Love, is not on your radar. I cant really say I know what your going through at this desperate time for you, BUT I think I will be goi g through it soon. And just thinking about it makes me feel sick and selfish, and so guilty. P.ease try and think of the reason this is happening the bad days when you couldnt cope, when you were probably in despair. Then try and think of how safe he will be and cared for while you get the good bits by looking forward to your visits, taking him goodies you know he loves and having time to take care of yourself. You are NOT selfish or less caring , or guilty for making this decision . You are doing what's BEST for your Love and that's being a very caring and strong person. I can almost feel your pain as it's a pain I'm going to go through soon.PLEASE take care and
LOOK AFTER YOURSELF
 

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
59
Your words are so very true. It is dreadful that so many people are having to go through this awful experience. The loved ones who are in the grip of fear, confusion,loss, anger, sadness,and the rest of the horrible things that alzheimers brings to the table. Their partners and family have also an emotional and energy sapping journey to travel. I am so thankful to talk on here, as even my closest family cannot comprehend how it is affecting me on a daily basis. Perhaps that is for the best. Thank you for your reply, I hope you can be stronger than me and I wish you well for the future ,take care.
 

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
59
I am in exactly the same position. I feel as if I have abandoned my husband even though I know that after 3 weeks in hospital post surgery there was no choice. He needs nursing care on shifts and not me struggling in my own 24/7. I have done that for seven years. Logic and reason are up against emotion and almost sixty years of loving him.

With this disease broken hearts abound.
 

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
59
Dear Marionq, I thought we had done good 55 years married. You have even done better. How can it be right to call time on a life long partnership and still carry on as before . I know he is still there to visit , but he is not at home with me, where he should be. That is my heart talking, my head knows I cannot cope at home with him any longer. I am worn out. So as you might say 'needs must'. This is the start of a new time in our married life , still together but apart. My love is strong but the body is weak. I am thankful for your reply and I truly wish you well as I can feel what you are going through. We must stay strong for the sake of our hubby's and every body keeps saying 'You have not abandoned him. 'SO IT MUST BE RIGHT' YEH !
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
499
Devon
H
THANK YOU..I will do my best to be stronger as this attitude is doing me no good at all. At the moment I feel as though this awful disease is trying it's best to get me at the same time. I know it is a long hard road ahead but I am not sure I can make it .I will have to get some backbone from some where. I am grateful for your thoughts and for taking the time to send your reply. Will be on here again very soon .
I am in exactly the same position. I feel as if I have abandoned my husband even though I know that after 3 weeks in hospital post surgery there was no choice. He needs nursing care on shifts and not me struggling in my own 24/7. I have done that for seven years. Logic and reason are up against emotion and almost sixty years of loving him.

With this disease broken hearts abound.
Not quite the same position as you as my wife has been in the home for 6 weeks now with vascular dementia. I changed her tonight and cleaned her up ready for bed. She’s really deteriorating before my eyes but still has the determination to want to escape the home. Just as she did when she lived here.

I know I couldn’t do the personal care 24/7 but I’m not 100 percent convinced and that what bugs me all the time.
 

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
12,661
England
@marshal you will still be caring, just in a different way. You will become your husband’s eyes and ears, making sure everything is as you want it. Get to know how the nursing home works and get to know the staff too. Let them get to know you as well as they get to know your husband.

Time will let you get to know the other residents too and they become people as you learn about their lives before dementia. My husbands caring home became my home too. My husband was on a self sufficient floor of nine men and they all became part of our family, our one teenage granddaughter loved to visit her granddad and said she always felt lucky because she now had another eight ‘granddads’.

The time has come now to accept help, you will have the cavalry behind you to help you along. My husband got the care he needed and deserved and I got the time to become his wife again and not the tired and worn out Carer I had morphed into over 7 years of being a sole Carer.

Life in care is different just as life with dementia is different from what we expect life together to be but it can be a good life too. Stay positive, stay strong.
 

SoAlone

Registered User
May 19, 2016
137
Devon
THANK YOU..I will do my best to be stronger as this attitude is doing me no good at all. At the moment I feel as though this awful disease is trying it's best to get me at the same time. I know it is a long hard road ahead but I am not sure I can make it .I will have to get some backbone from some where. I am grateful for your thoughts and for taking the time to send your reply. Will be on here again very soon .
Take care Marshal, one positive I can offer is that I found once someone else was responsible for the day to day care I could be his wife again, and I can visit and chat and yes we do laugh and sometimes giggle together about all sorts of silly things. All that was lost amongst the huge exhaustion I felt and the enormous amount of confusion and fear he must have been feeling in the days that the disease started to take a real hold. He said to me once all you talk about is eating and drinking and I realised later is that what was what our life had become. Eating drinking and personal care which was more contentious than the other two. Hope this is a positive you will see too. And don't beat yourself up, it is OK to be upset, to be angry and just to sit when everything is too much. Allow yourself to do these things in amongst all the other things you have to cope with. If I had a pound for every time I have felt I can't do this I would be very rich indeed.And I still have secret dreams of having him home even now. Please stay with TP it will be a friend where you can say things you wouldn't say to those around you. because many of us have been there and really do know how you feel
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
383
I'm so sorry, I have no wise words as it is my Mum in a nursing home so not the same, but I think others have all given wise words. The only thing that I can say is that since mum has been in the home it means that I can spend quality time with her, sometimes just sitting holding her hand (I have to tell her my hands are cold though otherwise she will not do it), instead of constantly worrying, trying my best to tend to all her needs and the multitude of other things that I had to do. From what you have written you have a strong family in your daughters and that is important.

Please take care, and I hope everything goes smoothly
 

pevensey

Registered User
Feb 14, 2012
232
South East Coast.
I'm so sorry, I have no wise words as it is my Mum in a nursing home so not the same, but I think others have all given wise words. The only thing that I can say is that since mum has been in the home it means that I can spend quality time with her, sometimes just sitting holding her hand (I have to tell her my hands are cold though otherwise she will not do it), instead of constantly worrying, trying my best to tend to all her needs and the multitude of other things that I had to do. From what you have written you have a strong family in your daughters and that is important.

Please take care, and I hope everything goes smoothly
@Marshall, I know I've already posted on here about your thread but I just wanted to add that....... I've just got home from visiting my hubby who is I'm a small care home temporally after having 3 falls in one morning and paramedics having to take him to hospital, he was there for 10 days then transferred to this small care home / rehab unit. for rehab to TRY and get him walking. But I'm so amazed to see him actually happy there, he tries to chat, have conversation as long as its about the old days, he never chats at home, he smiles big smiles, he never does that at home,it was lovely to see him like that. My daughter came with me and she said what I was thinking, that he might just MIGHT be happier in a NICE care home, I think it's because theres no pressure there, no worries for him, everything is done for him. Hes 80 yrs old and we've been married 57 yrs next month, so it's a massive blow how our life had ended up
BUT he actually SEEMS HAPPY in his new surroundings, so Marshall, you could be pleasantly surprised that after a while your Love could settle and enjoy his new surroundings. I never thought my hubby would although I realize it's just for a few weeks for him at the moment Take care and
LOOK AFTER YOURSELF Marshal.
 

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
59
Thank's for all your reply's and words of comfort. I will have to give an update of Tuesday's events as what happened was a total shock.
I was informed transport will be around lunch time. OK
10.15 Ward phoned..Ambulance is here to take hubby to NH.
OH!..coat on ,out the door on my way.
Arrive to a very happy man' OH 'chatting away to residents and staff.
All is better than good, he is happy, I am happy.
Shown his room and loves it.
Had a favorite CD on ,jigging away to music.
LUNCH IS SERVED.
Sat down demolished his lunch + pudding, chatting all the time.
This is going better than expected, WOW
Bit of fresh air ? That would be lovely was the reply.
Coat ,hat ,scarf. and once round the garden in chair.
Then it goes pear shaped! 4pm
FAINTED in chair.Get him inside and back to room.
He the had some sort of seizure or blackout.eyes staring but uncontious
All hell broke out .Staff on hand and attending, buzzers ringing, ambulance called
OH ,IN AND OUT of contiousness ,vacant and staring .
A+E straight through past all waiting patients
Into resuss, bloods, exrays, drips, CTscan. sats, ect.
Have they any idea how hard it is to keep a frightened and confused dementia patient on a trolley for hours on end.
Thank God for my daughter who was with me throughout.
Got a bed on ward at 10.30 pm, not bad I suppose.At the time it was an eternity.
by 11pm Hubby asleep and the hospital is trying to find the cause of todays events.
The only thing to standout is very low bloodpressure
This morning I went to ward to find he had a bad night but was sleeping now.
Spoke to Doc and they are still not sure what has been going on. Maybe this maybe that.
Hubby awoke and cursed me to hell and back. Then I gave him my hand to hold and he tried to break my arm.
'Sorry my love I will have to go' REPLY 'Don't come near me again..ever'
Back tomorrow for the next round.
I am so tired emotionally and physically .
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,342
Kent
I'm not surprised you're emotionally and physically exhausted @marshal. What an upsetting turn of events.

I know deciding on residential care has been soul destroying for you but your husbands reaction to this latest episode surely supports your decision.

It doesn't make it easier but it does make it sensible.
 

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
59
I'm not surprised you're emotionally and physically exhausted @marshal. What an upsetting turn of events.

I know deciding on residential care has been soul destroying for you but your husbands reaction to this latest episode surely supports your decision.

It doesn't make it easier but it does make it sensible.
 

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
59
So true that ,thank's Grannie G. Your words put things into perspective. I didn't visit tonight ,I am just done in at the moment. The girls have been and given me an update. Seems he is calm, eating and drinking although very sleepy so that is good. Hopefully I will get a better reception tomorrow. A stiff drink and bed is my next move. So I say thank you too one and all for your support and kind words.
 

SoAlone

Registered User
May 19, 2016
137
Devon
Bless you marshal. Such an awful thing to happen. My OH had a similar episode soon after moving from hospital, again with no real explanation. He is in a different Nursing Home now and there has been no recurrence of that problem. He had low blood pressure before going into Assessment Unit, and still does, so I am thinking that may be a very plausible explanation. You sound exhausted, physically and mentally, so do give yourself some time to recuperate a little .
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,623
I am so sorry, it is hard enough without the downturn. I hope things improve. BP gets low when not drinking enough. Like so many I am on the brink of resorting to a care home, I feel just as you. Sometimes it is taken out of our hands. Take care of yourself xxx