Panic at my decision

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by marshal, Oct 6, 2019.

  1. Delilah63

    Delilah63 Registered User

    Jan 4, 2018
    16
     
  2. BLONDY

    BLONDY Registered User

    Oct 29, 2011
    78
    2000 MILES AWAY
    Marshall, the feeling of guilt, the feeling that you have failed. Have you realised that this is the very best step you have taken. No one can cope, 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Mentally and physically you would be exhausted. It is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, your decision has been made with love and compassion. Stop beating yourself up and just congratulate yourself, you have not failed at all.
     
  3. SoAlone

    SoAlone Registered User

    May 19, 2016
    137
    Female
    Devon
    Hi Marshal, Hope things are settling down for you and you feel a little calmer. Thinking of you xx
     
  4. JennSymo542

    JennSymo542 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2017
    11
    Female
    I came on to this thread as I've had similar feelings as the OP, and just wanted to say thank you for this response. It's helped me, too.
     
  5. SoAlone

    SoAlone Registered User

    May 19, 2016
    137
    Female
    Devon
    I am pleased you found this post helpful. TP has been my lifeline at times over the last 18 months and I am sure will continue to be so. Anything at all you want to say or know, there is no judgement here we are all struggling with our own paths and only to happy to share anything we have experienced or felt with others
     
  6. marshal

    marshal Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    53
    Female
    denton
     
  7. marshal

    marshal Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    53
    Female
    denton
    Hi SoAlone, Thank's for your concern. George is now out of hospital and went to the nursing home on Friday . It has been very difficult for him to accept this new and strange change of situation.Needless to say I am going through agonies again. Yesterday was the first day he was at all settled but this I am sure is due to his extreme tiredness. He will not settle in his room and spends the days and nights wandering the corridors and rooms .At times trying to destroy or dismantle anything he can get his hands on. The staff have been amazing in helping him through these hours. If only I could be of more help to him! This morning I have been in the shed to fetch in some wood for the fire, and the site of the piles of wood George chopped for us just a few months ago to take us through the winter months brought me to tears again.
     
  8. SoAlone

    SoAlone Registered User

    May 19, 2016
    137
    Female
    Devon
    The staff will be aware that the change will be unsettling for him and will support you both through it. Don't fight your emotions, it would be strange if you didn't react in this way. Like us you have been together for a very long time, and recently I am guessing like us your world became smaller and smaller and much of the time was just the 2 of you. You couldn't not miss him, I do still miss my OH at home and often think how lovely it would be to sit by the fire and watch tv together when I get home from work. Of course reality wouldn't be like that but nice memories do overtake the sad ones. Hang on in there, we are all here for you when you need to talk
     
  9. marshal

    marshal Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    53
    Female
    denton
     
  10. marshal

    marshal Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    53
    Female
    denton
    "The reality wouldn't be like that" your words and how true they are.
    I went to visit late this afternoon. I was leaving within 40mins. The dementia monster raised its head , saw me and made a fist so white and scary, with the other hand held so tight I could not move away. Thank god the fist was not thrown.A senior nurse arrived ,by chance and was able to free me from the grasp of "Dementia monster" So more tears , cup of tea and sympathy.Bless those carers what ever they get paid, it is not enough. A lucid moment maybe as he kept shouting "it's all your fault" . I know he hates it but what else can I do.
     
  11. Foghorn

    Foghorn New member

    Oct 25, 2019
    1
    I have just join the forum as my much loved husband is going into a nursing home on Monday, and like you I’m feeling guilty, a failure and as though I am letting him down. It’s 4.30 am and I can’t sleep as I can’t switch off my brain. I know it’s the right thing to do but wish I could turn the clock back to before Parkinsons and dementia robbed me of the the love of my life.
     
  12. marshal

    marshal Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    53
    Female
    denton
     
  13. marshal

    marshal Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    53
    Female
    denton
    Hi there Foghorn. Like you sleep and rest does not come easily, I have been awake during the early hours also. One week in and things for me and my love have not been the easiest. I have done a couple of things during the week to try and distract all my negative thoughts but the distraction is fleeting. I can truly understand the way your heart and head are in conflict at the moment , I also am in this state of being torn in two. Surely I know him best and am the only one capable of tending his needs. This is what goes through our minds as we think of our men in their confused and frightened state. Then I visit him and see an angry man raising his fist to me, and remember some of the really bad days when I was brought to my knees in tears because I could not cope. This is not abandonment I keep trying to tell my self... this is survival.I will be thinking of you and hope you can cope better than I did. People keep telling me it gets easier as we both adjust , Hope they are right! Sending love and understanding...Stay strong.
     
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,726
    Kent
    It certainly isn`t. It`s allowing others to share the caring in order to meet the needs of the person you care so deeply about.

    It did for me. The final four years of my husband`s life in residential care were the best I`d had for years and brought peace and reconciliation to us both. They left me with good memories.
    I wish the same for you.
     
  15. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,303
    Merseyside
    Welcome to DTP @Foghorn.
    I’m glad you’ve found us as you’ll get lots of support here.
     
  16. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,726
    Kent
    Welcome to the forum Foghorn.

    There is no easy way to accept our decision for residential care. We can only acknowledge sometimes a team is needed to meet the needs of some people with dementia as their illness progresses.

    You will lose sleep and you will doubt yourself until your husband settles and you appreciate the quality time you will be able to spend together even if it is under different roofs.

    Please keep on posting here. Start your own Thread so that all the help and support others offer will be easy to access and help you through this very difficult time.
     
  17. marshal

    marshal Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    53
    Female
    denton
    Just having a bad day today. The sun is shining and we have blue skies .Just the kind of day we would be out and about and that was only a number of weeks ago.A walk through the nature reserve , call in the cafe for a coffee and cake, chat to friendly passers by, sit on the bench and watch the world go by. I can't bare this separation at the moment so I have not even been out of the house .Silly I know but just cannot face pleasures on my own at the moment. As my man is still struggling to settle at the CH I have not visited today as it is all such a strain for both of us. 10 days in but he is still very unhappy, I have done the worst thing for him.Has anyone taken their LO out of a care home because like me they could not live with these feelings. Just wondered because I know for sure we all feel bad about it. I really would like to know the outcome if it has been done.
     
  18. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    837
    Male
    Newcastle
    #38 northumbrian_k, Oct 29, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2019
    You have not done the worst thing for him @marshal, you have done what you know will be best for him. It will take time for him to settle and it is likely that there will always be days when you wonder if things would be different if you brought him home again. Not being able to live with your feelings would be the worst reason for doing that. You surely know deep down that this would be the wrong option for him and for you too. It will take time for you to get used to the new reality. In the meantime, lean on the people on this forum as many have been through the same feelings as you and will support you where they can.
     
  19. marshal

    marshal Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    53
    Female
    denton
     
  20. marshal

    marshal Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    53
    Female
    denton
    Thank you for your reply and support. I am just about to leave for my visit today.It would be good if OH was more settled and content but I fear not. I will keep posting and the support out there is always welcome so we can get through these bad days holding each other up.
     

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