Panic at my decision

[Helly68]

Sadly, so very sadly, there are no "best decisions" with dementia - only least worst.
When Mummy went into a care home I was constantly crying. We had been through so much as a family but this one thing was bigger than us.
She did settle, very well. It takes time, for both you and your loved one to adjust. Grief can be a strange thing and it rears its head at different times. Another resident was very kind to me one day, when Mummy had been in hospital and it moved me to tears. This whole thing is such a god awful emotional roller coaster.
I hope your OH settles and that you are able to find some peace.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @marshal

Your decision for residential care I'm sure came from a realisation you were no longer able to meet your husbands needs single handedly.

It was pointed out to me years ago that my husband was the best he will ever be on that day.

We know this is a progressive illness and if you do decide having him home will help you I'm almost sure you may have to go through the whole sorry situation again at a later date.

I do hope your visits become easier for you. Have you asked the staff how your husband is when you are not there.

When my husband was unsettled, when I left him I used to creep back to observe him unseen. He was never upset. I was the one who was upset. It might be the same for you

 

[Jale]

Marshal, so sorry that things are not going quite as smoothly as you had hoped, but it is still early days and . As Grannie G has posted do you know what your husband is like when you are not there. I have hidden round the corner to "spy" on Mum and what I see then and what I see when I am actually there are two very different things (usually better when I'm not there, as she will sometimes join in activities).

FWIW I think you did the right thing even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment, it is a massive adjustment you are having to make, and I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you but try and take just one small step at a time.

Sending lots of hugs for you

 

[marshal]

What a difference a day makes... as the saying goes. If visits were scored, today would 9 out of 10. A great afternoon, chatty ,calm, obliging, sat in his room quietly, got his pens and paper out , he even did some doodles. Lots of hugs , a kiss and kept telling me he loved me. The only agitation came when the podiatrice (can't spell it) came in to do his feet, but she managed it. He asked me to give him a back rub, Oh thats lovely, he said. How can I be upset? Well his conversation finally got round to ".Can we go home now and snuggle in bed ?I'm knackered" Bearing in mind I had been informed that he had spent all of last night wandering the corridors and lounge I am not surprised at his tiredness." We can light the fire it will be warm and toastie." was another one. How can I not want to take him home! As we all are fully aware tomorrow is another day. The staff are great and keep me informed of his good moments and also when he is struggling or disrupting the general run of things.They do try to reassure me and give me support. If I have any questions they are always happy to talk to me.

 

[jenniferjean]

When my husband was unsettled, when I left him I used to creep back to observe him unseen. He was never upset. I was the one who was upset. It might be the same for you

When my son was pre-school, there was a time when I had to find a child minder as I had to go back to work. My son sobbed when I left him each morning. It broke my heart but the minder told me to come back a few minutes later and listen at the door. Sure enough, he was laughing and giggling. In so many ways our PWDs are like little children.

 

[Grannie G]

What a difference a day makes.

That is such good news @marshal. I feel your relief because it has been my experience too.

It will never be without a bit of heartache but good visits will be a big compensation.

Long may they last.