Our last night together

[DawnR]

My OH who has in the words of our GP advanced Alzheimer’s is going into residential care tomorrow.

I tried last August but I only lasted 3 and a half weeks before he came home as we were both miserable. At that point he was still active and engaged, he just didn’t sleep and incontinence was starting. We also had some aggression during the night.

I don’t regret bringing him home, we have had 9 more months together, 5 or 6 still manageable but progressively worsening. For the past 3 or 4 months I’ve really been struggling to cope. My dad passed away at the end of March and I’ve been on the sick from work since.

My OH has been refusing to go to the day centre, walking the dogs, not eating. All the reasons I brought him home so he could still enjoy doing them. If it was just the lack of sleep I would manage but I don’t have a life of my own anymore. I even tried antidepressants but they just make me more tired.

I’ve found a lovely care home (with no top up fee yay) and he’s going tomorrow afternoon. I know it’s the right thing for him but I know what it will be like after last year and I’m not looking forward to it. We’ve been married 43 years in September and I feel like I’m sending him away so I can have a life. I’m trying to tell myself it’s his Alzheimer’s that’s taking him away from me but it’s so unbearable.

I will have to put my big girl pants on and do what I know is right for him. Even though it’s breaking my heart. There’s no going back on my decision this time,

It’s so sad to think this is the last night we will ever sleep under the same roof I can’t imagine ever feeling happy again.

 

[Grannie G]

I'm with you @DawnR I know just how it feels and hope it won't be as bad for you as the last time.

You are not sending him away so you can have a life. You are deciding on residential care because you are no longer able to meet his needs.

I hope he will settle as well as my husband did [ eventually] and you will even have some more quality time with him [as I did]

Fingers well and truly crossed for you.

 

[Chizz]

My OH who has in the words of our GP advanced Alzheimer’s is going into residential care tomorrow.

I tried last August but I only lasted 3 and a half weeks before he came home as we were both miserable. At that point he was still active and engaged, he just didn’t sleep and incontinence was starting. We also had some aggression during the night.

I don’t regret bringing him home, we have had 9 more months together, 5 or 6 still manageable but progressively worsening. For the past 3 or 4 months I’ve really been struggling to cope. My dad passed away at the end of March and I’ve been on the sick from work since.

My OH has been refusing to go to the day centre, walking the dogs, not eating. All the reasons I brought him home so he could still enjoy doing them. If it was just the lack of sleep I would manage but I don’t have a life of my own anymore. I even tried antidepressants but they just make me more tired.

I’ve found a lovely care home (with no top up fee yay) and he’s going tomorrow afternoon. I know it’s the right thing for him but I know what it will be like after last year and I’m not looking forward to it. We’ve been married 43 years in September and I feel like I’m sending him away so I can have a life. I’m trying to tell myself it’s his Alzheimer’s that’s taking him away from me but it’s so unbearable.

I will have to put my big girl pants on and do what I know is right for him. Even though it’s breaking my heart. There’s no going back on my decision this time,

It’s so sad to think this is the last night we will ever sleep under the same roof I can’t imagine ever feeling happy again.

Best wishes @DawnR and I hope it all works out as you wish it to.

 

[Sarasa]

Hope it all goes well tomorrow @DawnR. Though it won't be the same you will still be caring for your husband, but with a team to help you. I found with my mum that the staff and other residents of the care home became part of my extended family, and hope that happens to you too.

 

[sdmhred]

Thinking of you Dawn. I echo what @Sarasa says. Mum’s care home is my second home. I have a pair of slippers there and a drawer for my bits and pieces. As she is still with it enough to enjoy my presence I spend the evening there just as if we were at home.
I don’t go to ‘visit’ but hang out with mum in her new pad. In Doing so I have become good friends with the other residents and get on well with all the staff,

I realise it’s entirely different with a spouse, but take your slippers, the dogs, keep your favourite mug there and take time to adjust to a new way of living, but be with him as much as you both want ….

( I realised in the winter I was saving heating bills being at the care home 🫢🫢🤫🤫)

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @DawnR

It is just over 5 years since my wife moved into her care home. Yesterday I went through her 6-monthly review. It brought back so many memories of why it was the hardest and best thing that I have ever done. On our last day (although she did not know) we went into the city. She posed with the hound on her favourite High Level Bridge. My resolve almost cracked but I knew that it was for the best. And it has been, as she is more content than I dared to hope. That photo on the bridge is now on my kitchen wall. It reminds me of the precious life that we had together and also that it continues even in the depths of her dementia.

I do hope that this helps in some way.

 

[Alisongs]

My OH who has in the words of our GP advanced Alzheimer’s is going into residential care tomorrow.

I tried last August but I only lasted 3 and a half weeks before he came home as we were both miserable. At that point he was still active and engaged, he just didn’t sleep and incontinence was starting. We also had some aggression during the night.

I don’t regret bringing him home, we have had 9 more months together, 5 or 6 still manageable but progressively worsening. For the past 3 or 4 months I’ve really been struggling to cope. My dad passed away at the end of March and I’ve been on the sick from work since.

My OH has been refusing to go to the day centre, walking the dogs, not eating. All the reasons I brought him home so he could still enjoy doing them. If it was just the lack of sleep I would manage but I don’t have a life of my own anymore. I even tried antidepressants but they just make me more tired.

I’ve found a lovely care home (with no top up fee yay) and he’s going tomorrow afternoon. I know it’s the right thing for him but I know what it will be like after last year and I’m not looking forward to it. We’ve been married 43 years in September and I feel like I’m sending him away so I can have a life. I’m trying to tell myself it’s his Alzheimer’s that’s taking him away from me but it’s so unbearable.

I will have to put my big girl pants on and do what I know is right for him. Even though it’s breaking my heart. There’s no going back on my decision this time,

It’s so sad to think this is the last night we will ever sleep under the same roof I can’t imagine ever feeling happy again.

The care home will do the things your husband can no longer do for himself. You can be with him as much as you both want, to restore much of the marital bond and friendship and companionship, without doing all the things you're not legally responsible to do for him. Go and do things, like day trips, that you can tell him about - with photos and postcards and pictures off the Internet. Bring the world to him. Be there for him now as you were in the earlier years. Do the things you can do together. Be his wife not his carer. You'll have more energy and time to do that! If his room is big enough to store a folding bed, or have a reclining armchair, perhaps you could stay with him some nights.

 

[Alisongs]

Thinking of you Dawn. I echo what @Sarasa says. Mum’s care home is my second home. I have a pair of slippers there and a drawer for my bits and pieces. As she is still with it enough to enjoy my presence I spend the evening there just as if we were at home.
I don’t go to ‘visit’ but hang out with mum in her new pad. In Doing so I have become good friends with the other residents and get on well with all the staff,

I realise it’s entirely different with a spouse, but take your slippers, the dogs, keep your favourite mug there and take time to adjust to a new way of living, but be with him as much as you both want ….

( I realised in the winter I was saving heating bills being at the care home 🫢🫢🤫🤫)

So wise

 

[DawnR]

I'm with you @DawnR I know just how it feels and hope it won't be as bad for you as the last time.

You are not sending him away so you can have a life. You are deciding on residential care because you are no longer able to meet his needs.

I hope he will settle as well as my husband did [ eventually] and you will even have some more quality time with him [as I did]

Fingers well and truly crossed for you.

Thank you, I’m hoping he will settle quickly, the guilt will take longer I fear.

 

[DawnR]

Best wishes @DawnR and I hope it all works out as you wish it to.

Thank you @Chizz, me too.

 

[DawnR]

Hope it all goes well tomorrow @DawnR. Though it won't be the same you will still be caring for your husband, but with a team to help you. I found with my mum that the staff and other residents of the care home became part of my extended family, and hope that happens to you too.

Thank you @Sarasa they all seem lovely.

 

[DawnR]

Thinking of you Dawn. I echo what @Sarasa says. Mum’s care home is my second home. I have a pair of slippers there and a drawer for my bits and pieces. As she is still with it enough to enjoy my presence I spend the evening there just as if we were at home.
I don’t go to ‘visit’ but hang out with mum in her new pad. In Doing so I have become good friends with the other residents and get on well with all the staff,

I realise it’s entirely different with a spouse, but take your slippers, the dogs, keep your favourite mug there and take time to adjust to a new way of living, but be with him as much as you both want ….

( I realised in the winter I was saving heating bills being at the care home 🫢🫢🤫🤫)

Thank you @sdmhred for your kind words and the useful tips.

 

[DawnR]

Hi @DawnR

It is just over 5 years since my wife moved into her care home. Yesterday I went through her 6-monthly review. It brought back so many memories of why it was the hardest and best thing that I have ever done. On our last day (although she did not know) we went into the city. She posed with the hound on her favourite High Level Bridge. My resolve almost cracked but I knew that it was for the best. And it has been, as she is more content than I dared to hope. That photo on the bridge is now on my kitchen wall. It reminds me of the precious life that we had together and also that it continues even in the depths of her dementia.

I do hope that this helps in some way.

Thank you @northumbrian_k your reply helps greatly, I feel less alone. Everyone here understands.
This weekend I’m going to make a photo album to take to the home. It will give us something to look at when I visit.

 

[DawnR]

The care home will do the things your husband can no longer do for himself. You can be with him as much as you both want, to restore much of the marital bond and friendship and companionship, without doing all the things you're not legally responsible to do for him. Go and do things, like day trips, that you can tell him about - with photos and postcards and pictures off the Internet. Bring the world to him. Be there for him now as you were in the earlier years. Do the things you can do together. Be his wife not his carer. You'll have more energy and time to do that! If his room is big enough to store a folding bed, or have a reclining armchair, perhaps you could stay with him some nights.

Thank you @Alisongs he would want me to live my life. I’ll be okay, I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself right now.

 

[DawnR]

Well it went how I expected yesterday. When we got to the care home my OH was very upset and started making loud shrieking noises. The staff were really lovely and said it was nothing they hadn’t seen before.
I managed to calm him down after sitting in the garden for a bit and he went to get a drink and some cake with one of the carers.
I brought in his stuff and with the help of the handyman rearranged his room so he could see the bathroom when he woke through the night.
I left shortly afterwards and he seemed to be ok.
3am I got a panicked call from the home, he was still awake refusing to take his medication and had trashed his room! I don’t know what they expected me to do, if I had gone over he would have thought I was taking him home. I suggested they ring the crisis team.
That was the end of my nights sleep, I feel they shouldn’t have rang me at that hour. They said this morning he had gone to sleep eventually and they didn’t call the crisis team.
I’m not going to see him for a few days to try to see if he settles. It’s a huge change for him, he couldn’t go to the home he has been going for respite so it must be really unfamiliar.
I hope I’ve done the right thing, it doesn’t help when I read comments about not wanting to stick someone in care. I feel bad enough. Nobody sticks their loved one in care, they reluctantly let them go into care because they know it’s the best decision even though it’s heartbreaking.
I didn’t have any more to give.

 

[Grannie G]

. Nobody sticks their loved one in care, they reluctantly let them go into care because they know it’s the best decision even though it’s heartbreaking

I agree 100%. @DawnR.

Thank goodness the care staff managed to calm your OH eventually.

I don’t think night staff are as confident as day staff which might be why they phoned you. They are not quite as hands on as day staff and from my experience are in smaller numbers.

Let’s hope the worst is over.

 

[amIinthewrong?]

Well it went how I expected yesterday. When we got to the care home my OH was very upset and started making loud shrieking noises. The staff were really lovely and said it was nothing they hadn’t seen before.
I managed to calm him down after sitting in the garden for a bit and he went to get a drink and some cake with one of the carers.
I brought in his stuff and with the help of the handyman rearranged his room so he could see the bathroom when he woke through the night.
I left shortly afterwards and he seemed to be ok.
3am I got a panicked call from the home, he was still awake refusing to take his medication and had trashed his room! I don’t know what they expected me to do, if I had gone over he would have thought I was taking him home. I suggested they ring the crisis team.
That was the end of my nights sleep, I feel they shouldn’t have rang me at that hour. They said this morning he had gone to sleep eventually and they didn’t call the crisis team.
I’m not going to see him for a few days to try to see if he settles. It’s a huge change for him, he couldn’t go to the home he has been going for respite so it must be really unfamiliar.
I hope I’ve done the right thing, it doesn’t help when I read comments about not wanting to stick someone in care. I feel bad enough. Nobody sticks their loved one in care, they reluctantly let them go into care because they know it’s the best decision even though it’s heartbreaking.
I didn’t have any more to give.

Look you made the right choice you can’t give the amount of care that he needs anymore we all wish we could oh how we wish, but I think of it this way there is more carers there who get their sleep and have different carers coming in on shifts who can cope with loved ones needs which one person who is stressed and has had no sleep can’t I’m 29 and I knew I couldn’t keep up anymore so I hate to think when others who are older than me have to carry on doing the caring when they should be having a nice peaceful life, without the stress of having to do certain tasks which make them ill or stressed because I know it was making me ill mentally and my back definitely wasn’t great either, and no I think you’re right they shouldn’t have phoned you they said they could cope, so they need to show that they can, hopefully he settles in it might take time though and hopefully you get some peace that might take time too💐💐💐💐

 

[Alisongs]

Well it went how I expected yesterday. When we got to the care home my OH was very upset and started making loud shrieking noises. The staff were really lovely and said it was nothing they hadn’t seen before.
I managed to calm him down after sitting in the garden for a bit and he went to get a drink and some cake with one of the carers.
I brought in his stuff and with the help of the handyman rearranged his room so he could see the bathroom when he woke through the night.
I left shortly afterwards and he seemed to be ok.
3am I got a panicked call from the home, he was still awake refusing to take his medication and had trashed his room! I don’t know what they expected me to do, if I had gone over he would have thought I was taking him home. I suggested they ring the crisis team.
That was the end of my nights sleep, I feel they shouldn’t have rang me at that hour. They said this morning he had gone to sleep eventually and they didn’t call the crisis team.
I’m not going to see him for a few days to try to see if he settles. It’s a huge change for him, he couldn’t go to the home he has been going for respite so it must be really unfamiliar.
I hope I’ve done the right thing, it doesn’t help when I read comments about not wanting to stick someone in care. I feel bad enough. Nobody sticks their loved one in care, they reluctantly let them go into care because they know it’s the best decision even though it’s heartbreaking.
I didn’t have any more to give.

Can't understand why the home rang you in the middle of the night either! Weird. Surely they should have had someone checking frequently on his first night! Or sitting with him. They're paid to care.
Unplug the landline and set your mobile to do not disturb overnight for a few days.

Discuss with the home staff if they think your OH might settle better if he gets put to bed with you there to say good night and leave him. 1st then 3rd then 6th night in a fortnight then 10th night, then leave off? No calls at all overnight unless he's actually ill?


Wishing you all the best

 

[sdmhred]

Oh @DawnR
Im so sorry the first night went so badly 😢😢
You’ll both get there…you decide ur boundaries on phone calls and turn it off when you need to.
I see in the start of the night shift here ( I leave just past 9pm when mum has had her last pad change). Nights seem so understaffed. How can carers be cleaning someone up and then also calming someone else 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
You take care as best u can xx

 

[canary]

Hi @DawnR

Im glad you managed to get him there although Im sorry that you had such a rude awakening. I think that the way you are handling it is spot on. Yes, I think that if you visit at the moment he is very likely to think that you have come to take him home

I hope I’ve done the right thing, it doesn’t help when I read comments about not wanting to stick someone in care. I feel bad enough. Nobody sticks their loved one in care, they reluctantly let them go into care because they know it’s the best decision even though it’s heartbreaking.

Im sure you have done the right thing.
Whenever I read about people saying that they would never put them into a care home I find myself wondering how many of them them will actually achieve that. Most people move someone into a care home because they can no longer meet their needs at home and TBH, I feel that refusing to consider any other option apart from keeping them at home, when their needs can be met better in a care home, is not in the person with dementias best interest. Moving someone into a care home because you know that they will be cared for better there, even though you dont want to do it, it actually an act of great love and selflessness
xxx