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Oh Dear I give up with the Invisible BIL

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
475
channel islands
Upsetting as it is just step back and accept that your loved one who you care for and protect will probably totally ignore you and have nothing but praise and love for the helicopter visitor.
From the fleeting visitors perspective its out of sight and out of mind with the occasional contact to purge their conscience.
It's difficult but you know the truth, the people who see your love one regularly knows the truth.
I'm not religious but it the eternal prodigal son.
If it gives your loved one some joy, and it might, just grit your teeth and know that you are doing the right thing.
Thanks yes I will be able to grit my teeth better now as I had my broken tooth fixed this week!
 
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Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
475
channel islands
Definitely agree with @Exning, it's MiL 90th a day for everyone to acknowledge a special lady. It's to be hoped that she is thrilled to welcome her absent son and hasn't forgotten who he is. It won't alter her affection for you though, so don't let your BiL's presence override the occasion, he'll be gone soon enough.
We're no martyrs on this forum though, are we!
I recommend you give serious thought to all the different ways you can serve the birthday cake to him, chose the most improper and remember it when you are cutting his slice, that should make you smile.
@Dimpsy you made me laugh I do have a particular vision of what I could be cutting into for his piece of cake???!!! Oh course I will pass it to him and hope he gags I mean enjoys it with great relish!
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
475
channel islands
So we are needing advice, as you know the BIL is due down to see his mum in her annex next to us in 2 hours. How do we play this, if he goes directly into her with his daughter do we go and say hello or ignore him - he may come to us in the first instance but I've got a feeling this wont happen. So do we go and say hello for 2 minutes or leave it - really in a dilemma on whats best - ideas please!
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,212
I’d pop your head round the door say hi and then leave him to it. Maybe add pop in to see you when he’s finished. Just give him enough rope...,
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,383
cornwall
So we are needing advice, as you know the BIL is due down to see his mum in her annex next to us in 2 hours. How do we play this, if he goes directly into her with his daughter do we go and say hello or ignore him - he may come to us in the first instance but I've got a feeling this wont happen. So do we go and say hello for 2 minutes or leave it - really in a dilemma on whats best - ideas please!
I would pop in. Just to show your face. Then leave him to it...
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
475
channel islands
DO post in the morning - what was strange? Don't leave us in suspenders!
Ok so he waves to us as he goes into the annex and we popped in and the niece gives the OH a kiss so I went in for kill and gave the invisible a hug at which point I think he nearly recoiled backwards in shock! So we left them to it for 20 minutes but I could tell he was talking to her like he would have done 15 months ago but not getting a response as it was too many things in one sentence. They came out and we said feel free to come earlier tomorrow to see mum before the party. So I think I have now cut down all the olive branches off the tree! The most important thing is the MIL was pleased she did ask this morning did she see her other son last night or was it a dream!. So I will update after tea party once I have put all the knives safely back in the draws! Oh and he mentioned that she got his card she said what card, I had left it on the sideboard on purpose!
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,361
Well done you, you don't lose anything by your generosity but gain dignity and self-respect and when you look back at this weekend, you will be so pleased that you didn't do anything to upset the apple cart.

How BiL behaves is up to him, it sounds as if he has had the shock you thought might happen. He remembers his mum as she was and obviously isn't prepared for her decline. I'm sure that today his eyes will be opened even more.
Kill him with kindness, you can always buy a new olive tree - and keep the gin bottle handy!
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
475
channel islands
Well done you, you don't lose anything by your generosity but gain dignity and self-respect and when you look back at this weekend, you will be so pleased that you didn't do anything to upset the apple cart.



How BiL behaves is up to him, it sounds as if he has had the shock you thought might happen. He remembers his mum as she was and obviously isn't prepared for her decline. I'm sure that today his eyes will be opened even more.
Kill him with kindness, you can always buy a new olive tree - and keep the gin bottle handy!
So here we are 11.30 and no sign of coming earlier than the party at 2, then he leaves early tomorrow so essentially a max of 4 hours in 15 months to see his mum I think think I'm going to have a bonfire later for the olive branches! Dont worry Dimpsey G&T bottle out and ready for later!
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,361
Leopard's don't change their spots and you didn't really think he was going to did you?
I hope he turned up for the party.
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
475
channel islands
Leopard's don't change their spots and you didn't really think he was going to did you?
I hope he turned up for the party.[/QUO
Hi Dimpsy

Well he turned up 2.15 for the first 2 hours we were pretty much ignored but once the crowd had gone the OH and I went into the annex and just had a general chit chat. Afterwards we went out side and he agreed that we need guardianship - obviously he wants to be on it but he had the f-in cheek would we consider the interfering cousin on it - that was a resounding no - now we know he knew what she had done in the past on the back of his say so but of course he claimed innocence - regardless we will have to get in touch with the solicitors (advocate in Guernsey) but I want to be absolutely sure that he can do nothing financially etc other than the account she has frozen - once a snake always a snake! (or a leopard!) and we have still not decided if we will go ahead with it anyway (we have other reasons).

I happened to mention that the night cam is very useful and that sometimes it could be orb or maybe dust but they fly off in funny directions at night time when you look at it (apologies for those who think that's poppycock) regardless he said " well it would not surprise me shes always been a bit of a witch"! Oh and did he offer to pay for the cake etc what do you think, he didn't even make me a cup of tea or help with anything and he stood right next to the kettle etc when I was doing it for everyone there - AND as it was a special 90th what did he buy her for her birthday - a box of toffee caramel chocolates which she cant eat as they stick on her falsies! Oh and also when we said no to the interfering cousin he said well you must remember this is about mum not us !!!!!!!!!!!!!! He will be gone in half an hour and as for is daughter that came with him she seemed to suddenly be an expert on how to care for someone with Dementia - shes 22 oh but don't forget shes been to Oxford and has a degree in history so of course she does! Half an hour to go - by the way on a positive (yes there is one) the rapid response nurses are really helping even though its just once a day it is welcome. I just have to keep breathing once he has gone and she sings his praises!

My son was there at the party and said to me about him "mum what an arrogant bleep bleep bleep!" I'd have just decked him if he'd treated me the way he treats you I had to leave the room before I did he did - bless I brought him up well!

PS Dimpsy - decided against buying a new olive tree - they just don't do well in my care! Oh and just looking at the web camera the interfering cousin has rucked up now as well - why am I not surprised!
 
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Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
442
Oh Donkeyshere, I'm with your son on this, I would have found it very difficult to keep my mouth shut and so not want to clock him one.

I assume that BIL and daughter have now disappeared and that peace will resume ;)
 

millalm

Registered User
Oct 9, 2019
86
@Donkeyshare 4 hours ....WOW... what a guy. Be prepared to hear how wonderful it was to see him, and that he came all that way! Try to remember that because you are the primary carer your presence is just something that your Mother takes for granted as part of her routine, and not let it get to you that she is so pleased about a galloping visit from her Son. I visit my Mum everyday and spend 4 hours feeding her dinner, getting her ready for bed and taking care of all of her needs. My brother, who works 20 minutes from her , pops in for an hour once every 6-8 weeks and guess whose name she calls out for lol.

Dementia is a cruel master!

Well done to be rid of him and his know-it all daughter. Don't you just love when people tell you 'they've read this' about dementia so they think they are in a position to give you advice ! It's hard not to be bitter but it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of doing what's right by your Mother. Stay Strong!
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,361
Hi Dimpsy

Well he turned up 2.15 for the first 2 hours we were pretty much ignored but once the crowd had gone the OH and I went into the annex and just had a general chit chat. Afterwards we went out side and he agreed that we need guardianship - obviously he wants to be on it but he had the f-in cheek would we consider the interfering cousin on it - that was a resounding no - now we know he knew what she had done in the past on the back of his say so but of course he claimed innocence - regardless we will have to get in touch with the solicitors (advocate in Guernsey) but I want to be absolutely sure that he can do nothing financially etc other than the account she has frozen - once a snake always a snake! (or a leopard!) and we have still not decided if we will go ahead with it anyway (we have other reasons).

I happened to mention that the night cam is very useful and that sometimes it could be orb or maybe dust but they fly off in funny directions at night time when you look at it (apologies for those who think that's poppycock) regardless he said " well it would not surprise me shes always been a bit of a witch"! Oh and did he offer to pay for the cake etc what do you think, he didn't even make me a cup of tea or help with anything and he stood right next to the kettle etc when I was doing it for everyone there - AND as it was a special 90th what did he buy her for her birthday - a box of toffee caramel chocolates which she cant eat as they stick on her falsies! Oh and also when we said no to the interfering cousin he said well you must remember this is about mum not us !!!!!!!!!!!!!! He will be gone in half an hour and as for is daughter that came with him she seemed to suddenly be an expert on how to care for someone with Dementia - shes 22 oh but don't forget shes been to Oxford and has a degree in history so of course she does! Half an hour to go - by the way on a positive (yes there is one) the rapid response nurses are really helping even though its just once a day it is welcome. I just have to keep breathing once he has gone and she sings his praises!

My son was there at the party and said to me about him "mum what an arrogant bleep bleep bleep!" I'd have just decked him if he'd treated me the way he treats you I had to leave the room before I did he did - bless I brought him up well!

PS Dimpsy - decided against buying a new olive tree - they just don't do well in my care! Oh and just looking at the web camera the interfering cousin has rucked up now as well - why am I not surprised!
Well, on the plus side a) you're still breathing and b) the rapid response nurse is making a difference, so that's good news as well.

The rest - no wonder you needed gin and a good night's sleep to be able to put pen to paper (so to speak).

Your BiL doesn't appear to have any notion at all of how life-changing it is to take on the day-to-day care of a pwd. If he was the least bit empathetic to your situation, he would be helping not hindering as he is doing now.
She is HIS mother you and oh are supporting through a terminal illness, it stands to common sense that as he lives away, he should listen to you and be guided by what you and oh think is best for MiL.

He can't just breeze in and start laying down the law, your son is spot on, his behaviour is pure arrogance.
He must be very insecure in himself to feel he must be at the centre of whatever action you deem best for MiL, common sense says you and oh are the people who should be named as guardians; include BiL on your terms if you must, but the interfering cousin should interfere off!

Does a Guernsey guardianship allow for decisions to be made jointly and severally like the UK Power of Attorney, so that BiL can be included, but in point of fact, you and oh assume responsibility for her affairs and can make decisions without having to refer to him all the time?

Ignore the daughter, she is just parroting her father - both dementia know-it-alls! (who know nothing).

Well, he's been and now he's gone and your lives will settle. His visit will fade from MiL's memory and in a day or two your good karma will be restored, don't let his visit fester, he's not worth it.

So you're the death knell to olive trees;I hear that Deadly Nightshade grows very well in Guernsey, maybe a trip to the garden centre tomorrow?
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
475
channel islands
Oh Donkeyshere, I'm with your son on this, I would have found it very difficult to keep my mouth shut and so not want to clock him one.

I assume that BIL and daughter have now disappeared and that peace will resume ;)
Hi @Jale I was close with a very sharp knife cutting the cake the floor just was not slippery enough to get close enough to the snake! Read into that how you will!