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Oh Dear I give up with the Invisible BIL

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
473
channel islands
@Donkeyshare 4 hours ....WOW... what a guy. Be prepared to hear how wonderful it was to see him, and that he came all that way! Try to remember that because you are the primary carer your presence is just something that your Mother takes for granted as part of her routine, and not let it get to you that she is so pleased about a galloping visit from her Son. I visit my Mum everyday and spend 4 hours feeding her dinner, getting her ready for bed and taking care of all of her needs. My brother, who works 20 minutes from her , pops in for an hour once every 6-8 weeks and guess whose name she calls out for lol.

Dementia is a cruel master!

Well done to be rid of him and his know-it all daughter. Don't you just love when people tell you 'they've read this' about dementia so they think they are in a position to give you advice ! It's hard not to be bitter but it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of doing what's right by your Mother. Stay Strong!
Thanks - I'm feeling calmer already - hes gone shes gone - just the interfering cousin that is still around like a lingering bad smell!
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
473
channel islands
Well, on the plus side a) you're still breathing and b) the rapid response nurse is making a difference, so that's good news as well.

The rest - no wonder you needed gin and a good night's sleep to be able to put pen to paper (so to speak).

Your BiL doesn't appear to have any notion at all of how life-changing it is to take on the day-to-day care of a pwd. If he was the least bit empathetic to your situation, he would be helping not hindering as he is doing now.
She is HIS mother you and oh are supporting through a terminal illness, it stands to common sense that as he lives away, he should listen to you and be guided by what you and oh think is best for MiL.

He can't just breeze in and start laying down the law, your son is spot on, his behaviour is pure arrogance.
He must be very insecure in himself to feel he must be at the centre of whatever action you deem best for MiL, common sense says you and oh are the people who should be named as guardians; include BiL on your terms if you must, but the interfering cousin should interfere off!

Does a Guernsey guardianship allow for decisions to be made jointly and severally like the UK Power of Attorney, so that BiL can be included, but in point of fact, you and oh assume responsibility for her affairs and can make decisions without having to refer to him all the time?

Ignore the daughter, she is just parroting her father - both dementia know-it-alls! (who know nothing).

Well, he's been and now he's gone and your lives will settle. His visit will fade from MiL's memory and in a day or two your good karma will be restored, don't let his visit fester, he's not worth it.

So you're the death knell to olive trees;I hear that Deadly Nightshade grows very well in Guernsey, maybe a trip to the garden centre tomorrow?
Hi @Dimpsy not sure on the guardianship and the rules you describe but we may not even go for it in the end, we have a plan B that does not involve the snake - we have new laws being brought in by our local government (lasting POA at last as we live in the dark ages they've just decided it might be a good idea to catch up with the proper world) and we wish to discuss things with the SW who knows about this over here before we do anything.

Karma is returning thanks - yeah not sure on the deadly nightshade (could hinder my breathing a little and as I would not wish anything to befall my dogs if they came across it) - I've killed a lemon tree, an orange tree, don't do well with olive trees as we know as I cut off too many branches - any other suggestions? Maybe I'll just stick with a fake Xmas tree!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
Oh bless you! I checked the news for rampaging female runs amok in Guernsey- congratulations on your restraint!

Meanwhile pillocks were all over the news!
Xx
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
473
channel islands
Oh bless you! I checked the news for rampaging female runs amok in Guernsey- congratulations on your restraint!

Meanwhile pillocks were all over the news!
Xx
So my OH's idiot brother did make the news for being an arrogant ****/pillock typical, took all my limelight away, damn my restraint at least I get to say what I think in TP!
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
473
channel islands
I hope I made you smile
Xx
Indeed it did - however today the saga continued - the BIL is now insisting that the interfering cousin has to go on the Guardianship (even though we said no when he was here) - yeah like that's going to happen after what shes done (another story!) - after a few home truths from the OH including the fact that his Brother had seen his mother for a total of 4 hours over the weekend (in a total of 15 months) and that it had been more important for him to go off and see his friends etc for most of Sat evening, turned up late for the party and spent 1/2 hour on the Monday till 11 as he had a plane to catch at 3.30 but had to go out for lunch with the cousin, the OH told him to do one and stick the Olive Tree branch where the sun does not shine! We can manage without the guardianship and there is nothing he can do. The BIL's exact words were "we need people that care for her the most to go on the guardianship and that's me and the cousin" - any ideas what planet he is living on?!
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,361
Definitely not this planet that's for sure!
Have you considered going to a solicitor?
This situation seems crazy bonkers, surely common sense must prevail, you and oh are her full time carers, you should be the lead on any decisions to be made; fair enough to include BiL, if you all agree.
In our situation, there are three of us who act on behalf of mum, one attorney lives away and because of that is able to give a clear and unbiased opinion, which we value greatly (but don't necessarily follow).

We used a solicitor to set up mum's Power of Attorney after her previous family member attorney, well, we'll just say behaved inappropriately (long story) was revoked.
We asked the solicitor if someone from my sister's side of the family (from where the vile piece of humanity came from) should be included as a 'person to be told' and the solicitor very strongly advised not to, we were very happy to follow her advice! The solicitor's advice was worth every penny spent

Of course, you may have already gone down the legal route, in which case sorry to suggest old news.
(Still thinking of a tree to replace the olive that is dog friendly!)
xx
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
473
channel islands
Definitely not this planet that's for sure!
Have you considered going to a solicitor?
This situation seems crazy bonkers, surely common sense must prevail, you and oh are her full time carers, you should be the lead on any decisions to be made; fair enough to include BiL, if you all agree.
In our situation, there are three of us who act on behalf of mum, one attorney lives away and because of that is able to give a clear and unbiased opinion, which we value greatly (but don't necessarily follow).

We used a solicitor to set up mum's Power of Attorney after her previous family member attorney, well, we'll just say behaved inappropriately (long story) was revoked.
We asked the solicitor if someone from my sister's side of the family (from where the vile piece of humanity came from) should be included as a 'person to be told' and the solicitor very strongly advised not to, we were very happy to follow her advice! The solicitor's advice was worth every penny spent

Of course, you may have already gone down the legal route, in which case sorry to suggest old news.
(Still thinking of a tree to replace the olive that is dog friendly!)
xx
Hi Dimpsy yes been down the solicitor (advocate in Guernsey) route 3 years ago when the BIL first refused us guardianship because he did not like the people on it (and we left him off because of money issues with him) and had further advice since several times after he sent solicitors letters with threats of coercion etc, we have different laws here unfortunately and we have reach the end of the road now and I think all we can do is cut contact as he is just toxic. POA not being brought in till next year by which time will be a little late unfortunately. Hey but dont worry the G&T is coming out tonight and I am going to celebrate being set free!
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,361
All through life you hear stories of families falling out and breaking contact and I always thought how lucky our family was to remain on friendly terms.

Until my dad died and all manner of secrets and outright fraud came to light. The eighteen months from losing dad were undoubtedly the worst days of my, OH and mum's life.

And so we discovered that we were just like other families after all.
Sometimes, for your your own safety and sanity, the ties that bind have to be cut and just walk away.
It's terribly sad to have a broken family but life has to go on, care for your MiL (and my mum) takes precedence, and if BiL isn't prepared to stand by you, there is no other alternative.

We are opening a bottle of OH homemade blackberry wine at yard-arm time as a tester (it was in the demi-john for two years and could be undrinkable), I'll toast your MiL's 90th and also you. It may not be the route you would choose, but we can't always have what we want and if you can live with your decision then that's good enough.
xx
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,361
The blackberry wine was really bad but on the plus side, 12 bottles of blackberry drain cleaner should keep us going for a few years.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,176
South coast
And there was me considering a blackberry bush over the olive tree!
I remember you saying that invisible could push the olive branches somewhere that the sun dont shine.
So if you did decided on a blackberry bush instead, that could be interesting.......
 

Gillywilly

Registered User
Sep 21, 2018
21
Oh I am happy to see that I am not the only person who has insensitive relatives who do nothing pop maybe twice a year then criticises everything that you have done for your loved one. Devoting you’re life caring for them until they pass on. I know they have dam cheek.
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
473
channel islands
This is interesting the advice is to wear thick gloves when pruning; as its common name (Firethorn) suggests, Pyracantha bears long and very sharp thorns - yes this one seems quite appealing however I have found the "honey locust" which seems to be have some prominent thorns.

Even better: Its pulp can be fermented and used as energy alcohol - so maybe that could be the "rocket fuel" that could be required to assist it to its destination?
 

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