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Oh Dear I give up with the Invisible BIL

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
473
channel islands
So we offered an olive branch to the invisible who has been a complete --------- to us for those that know my posts. Its the MIL's 90th Sunday and we suggested it would be good for him to see her ( after 15 months absence). He said yes he thought perhaps he should.

Tonight we find out that he is bringing his daughter and staying at a friends hotel down the road from us, the MIL wont have clue who the granddaughter is as she has not seen her for 5 years and they are going to "pop in" in for the tea and cake put on by us for those that have supported her (and us).

The OH has asked the invisible that he hopes that's not all the time he will see her as he has all of Sunday. I'm lost for words. Like others have said he will pop over and go back to his life and leave us to it as usual!

What a complete w------ amongst other words!
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
473
channel islands
So it seems he is going to see her Saturday night and Monday am - thats great maybe we can go out for the night on Sat and go for coffee on the Monday - oh no dont be silly he has not got a clue what he would have to do! Sorry for the sarcasm - @Bunpoots he wont be here for the will as hes already had his money 3 years ago (dont ask!) Thanks @MaNaAk we just keep going - even if she does not remember I know we have done the best we can just as you did. Thanks
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
473
channel islands
Ok so here's an update hes already started to stir the hornets nest! Today the MIL gets a card with a pig on, we have kept Sunday tea and cake quiet for her 90th, yesterday we said to him don't tell her as we are keeping a surprise. So today she gets a card which as she could not open it I did it for her and inside it says Happy Birthday Ma looking forward to seeing you with L - no we only found out he was bringing his daughter yesterday and the MIL wont know who she is - but I don't understand why he would send a card like that when he will be here over the weekend for her birthday on Sunday - the only reason would be to spoil things for us and let the cat out the bag or just to wind us up. So I am going to put the card on the sideboard behind the Xmas tree and if she reads it she reads it, but to be honest I dont think she will - I just told her it was from H - she said oh is he still alive? So anyone any ideas behind his "logic" for sending it am I reading too deep into it do you think?
 

Louise7

Registered User
Mar 25, 2016
2,008
Being charitable, perhaps he sent the card before you asked him last night to keep it a surprise - is there a timed postmark on the envelope? Maybe something will 'come up' at the last minute and he might not show up, so sending the card by post will cover himself? He may well just be trying to wind you up though so probably best not to let it get to you, as difficult as that might be. I've found that sometimes there simply is no logic and trying to read too much into things doesn't help. Try to concentrate on giving your Mum a nice day on Sunday and fingers crossed nothing happens to spoil it.
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,358
Ok so here's an update hes already started to stir the hornets nest! Today the MIL gets a card with a pig on, we have kept Sunday tea and cake quiet for her 90th, yesterday we said to him don't tell her as we are keeping a surprise. So today she gets a card which as she could not open it I did it for her and inside it says Happy Birthday Ma looking forward to seeing you with L - no we only found out he was bringing his daughter yesterday and the MIL wont know who she is - but I don't understand why he would send a card like that when he will be here over the weekend for her birthday on Sunday - the only reason would be to spoil things for us and let the cat out the bag or just to wind us up. So I am going to put the card on the sideboard behind the Xmas tree and if she reads it she reads it, but to be honest I dont think she will - I just told her it was from H - she said oh is he still alive? So anyone any ideas behind his "logic" for sending it am I reading too deep into it do you think?
I agree with @Louise7; you know he's thoughtless about everybody and everything - except for himself!
Writing in the card that he'll see mum soon just shows his lack of concern that he is upsetting the plans for MiL's special birthday, not only for you but for his mum as well.

What a spoilsport!

Just don't let it get to you. I think he (and you) will be in for a shock.
What are the chances that MiL will remember him? It's so long since he visited don't be surprised if he has disappeared from her memory and he won't be very pleased about that!
 

ladysuisei

Registered User
Nov 13, 2019
19
So we offered an olive branch to the invisible who has been a complete --------- to us for those that know my posts. Its the MIL's 90th Sunday and we suggested it would be good for him to see her ( after 15 months absence). He said yes he thought perhaps he should.

Tonight we find out that he is bringing his daughter and staying at a friends hotel down the road from us, the MIL wont have clue who the granddaughter is as she has not seen her for 5 years and they are going to "pop in" in for the tea and cake put on by us for those that have supported her (and us).

The OH has asked the invisible that he hopes that's not all the time he will see her as he has all of Sunday. I'm lost for words. Like others have said he will pop over and go back to his life and leave us to it as usual!

What a complete w------ amongst other words!
Blimey- things like this must make a dreadful situation much worse. I’m not surprised you are angry.
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
440
I think I would have steam coming out of my ears. I have no wise words to offer as my brother is not invisible (I wish he was) but always manages to worry mum by telling her if he has been to the Dr's, hospital etc. She can't remember what he has said but always gets worked up and agitated that no one cares about him.

As far as the card is concerned could it disappear and if mentioned by BIL say you haven't received it. (Sorry that is me being evil minded):mad: At the end of the day you will be able to hold your head high, look people in the eye and know that you did your very best for your MIL.

I hope that everything goes smoothly for you on Sunday
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
473
channel islands
Being charitable, perhaps he sent the card before you asked him last night to keep it a surprise - is there a timed postmark on the envelope? Maybe something will 'come up' at the last minute and he might not show up, so sending the card by post will cover himself? He may well just be trying to wind you up though so probably best not to let it get to you, as difficult as that might be. I've found that sometimes there simply is no logic and trying to read too much into things doesn't help. Try to concentrate on giving your Mum a nice day on Sunday and fingers crossed nothing happens to spoil it.
I think all charitable thoughts went out the window once he started with solicitors and said I did nothing for her and started getting the solicitor to send us nasty letters - they came to nought. Dont worry he has every intention of showing up and putting on his I love my mum so much face - lets hope the 90 candles don't melt it! Sunday will be ok as we have alot of other people coming you are right - there is no logic where he is concerned. Its only 48 hours then he will disappear.
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
473
channel islands
I think I would have steam coming out of my ears. I have no wise words to offer as my brother is not invisible (I wish he was) but always manages to worry mum by telling her if he has been to the Dr's, hospital etc. She can't remember what he has said but always gets worked up and agitated that no one cares about him.

As far as the card is concerned could it disappear and if mentioned by BIL say you haven't received it. (Sorry that is me being evil minded):mad: At the end of the day you will be able to hold your head high, look people in the eye and know that you did your very best for your MIL.

I hope that everything goes smoothly for you on Sunday
Thanks @Jale I've put the card behind the tree - so we can plead that that she forgot she received it. Even if she had read it, she would not understand the content. Sunday will be fine - I have the Monday off and the OH is going shopping so at least I can make sure the BIL disappears! (not by me but on a plane but there again!!???)
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
473
channel islands
I agree with @Louise7; you know he's thoughtless about everybody and everything - except for himself!
Writing in the card that he'll see mum soon just shows his lack of concern that he is upsetting the plans for MiL's special birthday, not only for you but for his mum as well.

What a spoilsport!

Just don't let it get to you. I think he (and you) will be in for a shock.
What are the chances that MiL will remember him? It's so long since he visited don't be surprised if he has disappeared from her memory and he won't be very pleased about that!
Thanks @Dimpsy I've put the card behind her tree - but I think a pig on the card was a good portrait of himself!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
I think all charitable thoughts went out the window once he started with solicitors and said I did nothing for her and started getting the solicitor to send us nasty letters - they came to nought. Dont worry he has every intention of showing up and putting on his I love my mum so much face - lets hope the 90 candles don't melt it! Sunday will be ok as we have alot of other people coming you are right - there is no logic where he is concerned. Its only 48 hours then he will disappear.
“ 90 candles don’t melt it!” Oh my that made me smile!
You know he’s a bit of a plonker! To put it politely!! My Biological Mums husband must be cut from the same cloth! Honestly just ignore him, those sorts hate to be ignored ! It’s the best treatment for him.

have a lovely day & just be Blaise about him, let him bring the Queen if he likes - your Mum won’t know the difference!
xx
Hugs xx
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
473
channel islands
Update - Yesterday morning I saw MIL on the floor via the nest cam at 5.30 am, yet another ambulance call. Anyway she was complaining of hip pain, shaking, in and out of it. However as soon as the ambulance gets here she's alot better and the "pain" seems to be much reduced. Anyway on the way up in the ambulance the last few weeks catch up with me and when we get to the hospital I had to go for a walk with tissues to hand, the ambulance lady had noticed and we had a chat. I explained the falls, the lack of support, the bank, how the OH is feeling, even the BIL imminent arrival - bet she wished she'd never asked!

So the MIL got checked over all good but the same day they organise the rapid response nurses to visit and keep visiting hopefully till the carers can kick in - but that might not be for some time. Anyway I took the day off work but come the evening I had melt down and called the support worker at the carers group I am in, shes a registered nurse and dropped everything to come round to us. I have had great support from her and whilst I am not able to mention names I am so thankful for to them.

We had a chat once I pulled myself together and even the OH talked to her, a first but a good thing for him he's not been one to do that but as he knew that she knew everything it was ok, she put the MIL to bed for me and has pushed for our referral to the SW it was helpful. I went to work today, the rapid response nurses came in, the SW has been asked to put carers in 3 times a day once they are available and see how we go from there.

I apologised to the OH for melt down but he just gave me a cuddle and said I did an amazing job. Ah bless! It seems that the SW may also be able to help with the account issue, I have my doubts but you never know.

So all we have to cope with the next few days is the BIL coming over tomorrow evening with his daughter, the MIL's 90th tea and cake and then the BIL goes Monday am, we have decided to let him get on with it (not sure he knows we can pick up sound on the webcam!)

Oh and just getting back the "pain" has anyone come across "phantom pain" in dementia - its just something I think I have read.

PS Shall we ask the BIL to contribute to the cake!!!
 
Last edited:

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
440
You really are going through it at the moment - but it sounds like MIL's fall did have some positive outcome.

Phantom pain - yes, my Mum has it. Mum often says she has broken her hand. I only have to go touch her hand and she screams that I'm hurting it even though no contact has been made. However, if you offer her sweets, cakes or a biscuit the hand miraculously gets better.

I would ask BIL if he would like to pay for the cake because he doesn't have the chance to treat her very often;), and I would look forward to reviewing the webcam:rolleyes:
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
473
channel islands
You really are going through it at the moment - but it sounds like MIL's fall did have some positive outcome.

Phantom pain - yes, my Mum has it. Mum often says she has broken her hand. I only have to go touch her hand and she screams that I'm hurting it even though no contact has been made. However, if you offer her sweets, cakes or a biscuit the hand miraculously gets better.

I would ask BIL if he would like to pay for the cake because he doesn't have the chance to treat her very often;), and I would look forward to reviewing the webcam:rolleyes:
Oh @Jale you are naughty but I so get it re the cake!!! I've just remembered I can also "record" on the webcam:)
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
Update - Yesterday morning I saw MIL on the floor via the nest cam at 5.30 am, yet another ambulance call. Anyway she was complaining of hip pain, shaking, in and out of it. However as soon as the ambulance gets here she's alot better and the "pain" seems to be much reduced. Anyway on the way up in the ambulance the last few weeks catch up with me and when we get to the hospital I had to go for a walk with tissues to hand, the ambulance lady had noticed and we had a chat. I explained the falls, the lack of support, the bank, how the OH is feeling, even the BIL imminent arrival - bet she wished she'd never asked!

So the MIL got checked over all good but the same day they organise the rapid response nurses to visit and keep visiting hopefully till the carers can kick in - but that might not be for some time. Anyway I took the day off work but come the evening I had melt down and called the support worker at the carers group I am in, shes a registered nurse and dropped everything to come round to us. I have had great support from her and whilst I am not able to mention names I am so thankful for to them.

We had a chat once I pulled myself together and even the OH talked to her, a first but a good thing for him he's not been one to do that but as he knew that she knew everything it was ok, she put the MIL to bed for me and has pushed for our referral to the SW it was helpful. I went to work today, the rapid response nurses came in, the SW has been asked to put carers in 3 times a day once they are available and see how we go from there.

I apologised to the OH for melt down but he just gave me a cuddle and said I did an amazing job. Ah bless! It seems that the SW may also be able to help with the account issue, I have my doubts but you never know.

So all we have to cope with the next few days is the BIL coming over tomorrow evening with his daughter, the MIL's 90th tea and cake and then the BIL goes Monday am, we have decided to let him get on with it (not sure he knows we can pick up sound on the webcam!)

Oh and just getting back the "pain" has anyone come across "phantom pain" in dementia - its just something I think I have read.

PS Shall we ask the BIL to contribute to the cake!!!
Contribute .... I’d think pay for the whole she bang!

take care lovely & leave him to it! thank goodness for webcams!!
xx
 

Exning

Registered User
Aug 26, 2018
37
Upsetting as it is just step back and accept that your loved one who you care for and protect will probably totally ignore you and have nothing but praise and love for the helicopter visitor.
From the fleeting visitors perspective its out of sight and out of mind with the occasional contact to purge their conscience.
It's difficult but you know the truth, the people who see your love one regularly knows the truth.
I'm not religious but it the eternal prodigal son.
If it gives your loved one some joy, and it might, just grit your teeth and know that you are doing the right thing.
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,358
Definitely agree with @Exning, it's MiL 90th a day for everyone to acknowledge a special lady. It's to be hoped that she is thrilled to welcome her absent son and hasn't forgotten who he is. It won't alter her affection for you though, so don't let your BiL's presence override the occasion, he'll be gone soon enough.
We're no martyrs on this forum though, are we!
I recommend you give serious thought to all the different ways you can serve the birthday cake to him, chose the most improper and remember it when you are cutting his slice, that should make you smile.