Not Sure

[dogdayafternoon]

Think I am sure after yesterday, she has lost her sunglasses and we needed an eye test, managed to get one at short notice yesterday, there was a slight change so they recommended new normal glasses as well. Looking at frames became a long job for the assistant my wife did not seem to understand which frame to choose finally almost £500 lighter it was done.
We got in the car and she opened her bag and she said she was looking for her sunglasses, I said we have just had to order new ones as yours are lost and had to remind her she had just had a test, she then asked what had she ordered and I had to explain again.
At least she was cheerful, this morning she was angry saying no one cared for her and again talking about getting divorced and why had we bought a house, you need money, I tried to explain if you have a house you always have a place to live, she said a caravan would do and she could have the money.
The saga goes on.

 

[myss]

Unfortunately dogdayafternoon, handling someone with dementia/Alzheimers is no fun and needs a hell of a lot of patience. As you have come to realise, there will be times where you will have to hear to the same moan/question/favourite programme/tale/funny moment/etc like it's the first time you've heard/seen it as that's what they think. I can recall my mum being annoyed that my dad would sometimes read the newspaper she bought for them both, read it, then get up to do something, and if she hadn't grabbed it when he had gone, he'd then come back and take it up again thinking that he hadn't read it that day.

I know some on here may advise that it's not necessary to put them right on issues they raised over and over again if it causes them distresses, which is fair enough. Personally I would say that if it was something frivolous, like who did the washing up or the plot of some TV programme, there has been times where I've let the discussion go my dad's way to peace and quiet sake!

 

[dogdayafternoon]

Tried not to post too often as not yet got to see my GP but the last two days have been bad, yesterday she was upset from getting up, did not accept breakfast or lunch, I went out to get some shopping as she did not want to go. Talking about divorce and saying she may not be there when I returned, In the evening she refused dinner.
This morning the same except she showered early and got ready sitting in the other room muttering about how bad I had treat her. Then I found the kettle had failed so I left to get one but when I returned after 2pm she was normal, asked where I had been and was happy to go out, had to remind her about three times that we already had the things for dinner, she then said she wanted an expensive kettle but was happy with the one I am picking up tomorrow but then saying she will buy her own later.
I made dinner and she enjoyed it and went to bed happy I think.
Thinking back she has been a little like this since about 1980 just slowly getting worse, we could make plans then the next day all cancelled, if she has dementia it is some slow moving type that has now reached the memory loss stage although on Monday after she had been shouting at me I said you don't know what day it is and she surprised me by saying Monday but today she did not know what day it was.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @dogdayafternoon

You`ve lived with this worry about your wife for too long without help. Please see your GP however long you have to wait for an appointment.

Even if , as it sounds, you wife has had problems for a long time, the thought she may have dementia as well and the way you are living is putting a tremendous strain on you.

I`m not sure these days what help would be available for you but at least a diagnosis, if you can get one, will get your wife on the books and entitle you to whatever help is on offer.

 

[AL60]

Hi. I've just read back through your previous posts and have come to the conclusion that you and I could be wearing the same tee shirt. The similarities, we could be the same person. We are a bit further on but are now receiving some help. And that is where you need to be. I too had great difficulty in getting my wife to go to the GP. In my wife's case I made an appointment for me to see the dr to talk over my concerns, which are so similar to your wife's problems. My wife had lost a considerable amount of weight so I managed to get her to go by saying I was worried about that. It worked. She went to see the dr , the dr after a few questions about her diet went straight to the point and asked how her memory was, then went straight to the memory test. She flew through with flying colours. I cowered in the corner thankful that she wasn't asking me. It was a start point anyway. So, several months later when she was called in to see her manager, i went too, i had been informed of the problems she'd been having at work. She was made to go on sick leave, that meant a visit to the GP once a month for the next twelve months . It was a relief, at last no more excuses, we had a reason to have regular meetings with her dr. I must add, at that time my wife was just 59, so there are differences. The dr, even over that short while could see a difference, so over the next few months there were referrals , scans and more memory tests and eventually the final diagnosis, probably vascular dementia. Was my wife upset? No, she was so pleased that it wasn't Alzheimer's, I've not said anything else to make her believe otherwise. Things have only been getting worse over the last couple of years , i couldn't have managed without help, and that's what you need, some help. Joining this forum is a start, if only to let you know that you're not on your own, but one way or another you and your GP have got to get your wife to go and see the dr. Good luck and keep posting Al60.

 

[dogdayafternoon]

Thanks again for the kind replies and support, I did make an appointment, it was two weeks for the GP but I took the three weeks one to see a partner who I have met before and was very good.
Still a few days to wait but I need to make a start, Monday was a bad day, abuse all morning in the end I went out brought in simple food pizza, at first she did not want it but in the end she enjoyed it and went to bed happy.
She has had changes in what she eats saying no dinners more finger food, almost no meat, some ham, bacon, she likes prawns but fish only from one chippy 70 miles away. She will ask for a glass of wine and drink some of it ask for a top up then leave it.
This morning she started ok, got showered about noon and then started talking in the other room about how she never wanted me, why did we buy this house we could have had the money, wants a divorce, why does she not have a car of her own.
Again I went out for 90 minutes when I returned she agreed to go out, we got in the shop and she asked what day it was and I told her, 5 minutes later same question and again and again.
It just wears you down, I try not to get angry but it builds up, hope for a better day but I think it will just get worse.

 

[dogdayafternoon]

Had a strange day today, my wife was in a bad mood from getting up and quickly went to the small front room talking about the usual things, not sure if she is just talking to herself or wants me to hear as most things are about me or this house. I had to take the car for a service and as I left she commented "don't rush back".
I dropped off the car and waited in a shopping mall about four hours, on my way to collect the car she phoned me asking where I was.
Got home and she was ok, started talking about after I left she felt lost, I got her to come out in the car and I took her to look at the sea which usually makes her happy, she asked me to buy some flowers which I did and showed them to her and we carried on to the shops.
Walking round the supermarket she asked about flowers so I said I bought them, she could not remember. Then she asked where I had been earlier and I said the car service again she could not remember.
She puts things in the trolly we do not need or usually eat and gets upset if I mention it but it is getting expensive.
She was happy when we got home and had dinner and talking about things a few months ago ok, it seems it's very recent things or what day it is that is forgotten, I will have to find a way to cut down on flowers and some foods without upsetting her and not sure how to.

 

[dogdayafternoon]

Panic, just come in from the garden and she is talking about getting money from her bank, the amount she mentioned is more than she has there, then she said she phoned them and said she wanted more money and they said ok. I tried to find out who she phoned but she say's she can't remember, I asked had some letter arrived offering a loan but she said no she just rang the number on the back of her debit card, now she say's I am making her upset and confused by asking.
I will just have to wait and see if a letter comes saying what she has done.

 

[dogdayafternoon]

After this we had a phone call, she had a nurse appointment later that day and they needed to postpone it for a week, listening to her talking she was full of vitality and laughing, as soon as the call ended she was back to the verbal abuse to me.
I gave up and got ready to go out but asked again if she would come out but got an abusive no, I asked if she wanted something for dinner but again abuse so I went out , bought some things she likes to eat and came home to be accused of taking her keys so she could not go out, in the end she found them beside where she had been sitting. Offered to make dinner but she refused ranting about getting divorced and finding some one with more money.
I almost went out to the pub to escape but she went early to bed, I am sitting here having drunk more wine than I intended venting my frustration but I that I know many reading this have had much worse for much longer.

 

[dogdayafternoon]

Just saw the GP and he agreed it could be dementia but they would need to see her to make tests, I explained the problems of why she does not like doctors but in the end it is left to me to try and get her in for testing. I told him she has an appointment with the nurse this week but got no response to that so I will have to find a way to get her in.
Strange but up to now today she has been quite good, a little depressed early this morning muttering how everything is terrible but quickly perked up and talking normally now.

 

[dogdayafternoon]

Today has been very bad from start to end, the thing that gets me is her sitting in the other room talking about me, things she thinks I have done to her. I try not to listen but in the end I say something and I am accused of abusing her, I went out at 2pm returned at 3.30 and asked if she wanted to come out but she refused, returned again at 6.30 with some food she likes bey she refused to take anything getting some cold meat from the fridge.
I know many on here have much worse to put up with but have had a loving relationship before with their partner before dementia, I feel like I have not had a good relationship for 30 years and when she talks about leaving and living in a hovel to get away I find myself mouthing to myself "go for it" she wants to join a "love club" and find someone with money who will buy her a car.
She does not cook, clean, do washing is obese and has violent mood swings.
When I cook, clean and do the washing I am accused of being gay

 

[kindred]

Today has been very bad from start to end, the thing that gets me is her sitting in the other room talking about me, things she thinks I have done to her. I try not to listen but in the end I say something and I am accused of abusing her, I went out at 2pm returned at 3.30 and asked if she wanted to come out but she refused, returned again at 6.30 with some food she likes bey she refused to take anything getting some cold meat from the fridge.
I know many on here have much worse to put up with but have had a loving relationship before with their partner before dementia, I feel like I have not had a good relationship for 30 years and when she talks about leaving and living in a hovel to get away I find myself mouthing to myself "go for it" she wants to join a "love club" and find someone with money who will buy her a car.
She does not cook, clean, do washing is obese and has violent mood swings.
When I cook, clean and do the washing I am accused of being gay

My dear, I am so sorry, this is a very hard life for you. It is important to get a diagnosis although I know it is a pain in the bum to get her in. Going out as you do is the best thing, please keep doing it. I know, it is hard to find compassion in a situation like this. Hard as it is, please try to get a diagnosis, then look at what help is available. It may take time, but there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Good to hear from you and please keep in touch. Gx

 

[dogdayafternoon]

Little better start to the day, ate the breakfast I made but later decided to start the usual about the house and money. In the end about 2:30pm I asked if she wanted to go in the car but she refused so I went out returning at 5:0pm and she did come out but did not want to go in the shop asking me to get something saying she was not well and had a summer cold so I gave her two day nurse, when we got home she wanted to take something for her cold and would not believe that I had given her them in the car, I asked why she did not want to come out earlier to the place we always go on Saturday and she said she thought it was Tuesday, she then said maybe she is getting that thing old people get. I did not want to scare her so I just said no.

 

[dogdayafternoon]

Strange day today, started bad got better then bad again. She has decided she has a problem with gluten so I have been buying gluten free food, she got excited over how much gluten free items there are so we bought a lot, I asked what she wanted to eat and she wanted pizza so I said we need a couple of things in m&s and then we will get the gluten free pizza, she says she can't be bothered so I go in . I am just buying some things and she turns up asking what i am doing, I said i am buying this as we agreed and she say's I can't remember that you are controlling me.
I manage to find gluten free pizza in another shop but now she is in a bad mood, we go home and she does not want to eat finally at 8:00pm she agrees to eat but still in a bad mood and has now gone to her bedroom still muttering about how I am doing her wrong

 

[Agzy]

Good Evening Dogdayafternoon, welcome to Talking Point, so sorry you are not able to get your wife seen by her doctor,maybe you could write to the doctor,in confidence,regarding your concerns? at least then it would be on record,and doctors can usually come up with a "cunning plan" to see your wife without worrying her.
Hope you can get help soon.

That is what I did because not being married meant no rights. Thankfully doctor responded by calling her in on a pretext and eventually tests and diagnosis followed by medication which has been excellent in helping.

 

[dogdayafternoon]

Still having a bad week, Monday and Tuesday were as bad as usual Wednesday started bad but after taking her to a place she likes and leaving her for one hour when I returned she was happy and wanting to go shopping and we had a good night.
Today in the morning she was ok up to about 10am talking about a lot of non PC comments, I had the temerity to interject and it started off, she went out to the other room and started ranting about me and how she had been treated, in the end I had to reply which made it worse but I can't sit for hours listening to lies about me so I went out for an hour and when I returned she was a little better so I tried to get her to go out and she finally did. Got to her favorite place but she did not want to leave the car so I went out for one hour but on my return she was complaining of back pain, gave her some tablets and drove to the shops, asked what she wanted for dinner but just abuse so I got something she likes (gluten free) and we go home, I ask if she wants to eat or drink anything but she says no, I get a beer and watching TV she grabs her things and storms out but this time she does not calm down but the ranting increases she goes to the kitchen and gets some wine this make her worse.
I feel like walking out, if I had more disposable income I would, I know it's the dementia not her but it still hurts, I am drinking more to try to cope.
The problem is she was always a little like this happy one day depressed the next so I am back to is this what she has always had just it is getting worse with age except her recent memory is poor, does not know what day it is, remembers things from yesterday but not things from 30 minutes ago.
On my talk to my GP he made some notes but was not so helpful, she had an appointment with the nurse to have her ears siringed but he did not try to use this to check her.

 

[kindred]

Still having a bad week, Monday and Tuesday were as bad as usual Wednesday started bad but after taking her to a place she likes and leaving her for one hour when I returned she was happy and wanting to go shopping and we had a good night.
Today in the morning she was ok up to about 10am talking about a lot of non PC comments, I had the temerity to interject and it started off, she went out to the other room and started ranting about me and how she had been treated, in the end I had to reply which made it worse but I can't sit for hours listening to lies about me so I went out for an hour and when I returned she was a little better so I tried to get her to go out and she finally did. Got to her favorite place but she did not want to leave the car so I went out for one hour but on my return she was complaining of back pain, gave her some tablets and drove to the shops, asked what she wanted for dinner but just abuse so I got something she likes (gluten free) and we go home, I ask if she wants to eat or drink anything but she says no, I get a beer and watching TV she grabs her things and storms out but this time she does not calm down but the ranting increases she goes to the kitchen and gets some wine this make her worse.
I feel like walking out, if I had more disposable income I would, I know it's the dementia not her but it still hurts, I am drinking more to try to cope.
The problem is she was always a little like this happy one day depressed the next so I am back to is this what she has always had just it is getting worse with age except her recent memory is poor, does not know what day it is, remembers things from yesterday but not things from 30 minutes ago.
On my talk to my GP he made some notes but was not so helpful, she had an appointment with the nurse to have her ears siringed but he did not try to use this to check her.

you are a good man and this is a very depressing situation. Hearing rants like this is grim and abusive. Well, you know that. If you could make arrangements for her, and could manage on your income, would you walk out? Of course it hurts. I would like you to try again with this GP and tell him the worst you put up with, take notes for him if necessary and give them to him. Please do. Warmest Geraldine aka Kindred. I have been through very bad time too.

 

[dogdayafternoon]

OK had a good two weeks, just the occasional meltdown, yesterday morning she called out, she had a bad pain in her leg. I tried to help but it was bad all day, asked in the chemist who thought it was sciatic nerve and needed ice pack, we tried but no go. Today it was the same so in the end I called 111 who were good, they called her doctor who gave her a prescription for some codeine.
I rushed out to pick them up, when I got home she was sitting ok, I asked did she have pain and she said why, she had forgotten why we had needed to get codeine, I reminded her of the call from the doctor and she asked was it for a womens problem, at this point I was getting confused she had forgotten the mornings pain.
When she got up later of course it was agony even after the codeine, I know this pain will pass but the loss of her memory in such a short period of time is more of a shock to me.

 

[dogdayafternoon]

OK two weeks of the pain, she has started thinking I have given it to her, sometimes she thinks I want to kill her, she called the doctor who came on a home visit, he did ask about her memory and asked her what day it was, it was Wednesday and she said Monday, he asked date and year but she did not know, he said he would try to get a phisiotherapist to help with the leg and changed the pain medication. I have been issuing the drugs as she forgets, tonight she asked who were the people in the house when we came in, I told her there were no people and when I asked when did she mean, she got angry saying it was a set up and how did she know what these drugs were. I showed her the card of the ones she takes two of at night, there were four left, she took the card saying she knows what to do, ten minutes later she was looking in the hall and I asked what for, she said the tablets I take at night, i reminded her that she had taken the card with her, went in the bedroom and found the card with the last four missing, she got angry shouting I am not addicted, I just left.
I do not know who she is thinking of were in our house, is she seeing things, this pain seems to be accelerating her decline.

 

[Lindy50]

Hi @dogdayafternoon
I have just read your thread from the beginning and honestly, I think you are coping amazingly well in a terribly difficult situation.
I do feel that your wife needs medical help, not only for pain but also to assess her mental state properly. Have you shown the GP your posts on here, or at least a selection of them? I really think you need support via the GP. Keep making appointments until you get help, would be my suggestion.
And please keep posting here in the meantime.
Wishing you all the best
Lindy xx