Things sound to be going ok for your dad in CH, it's an awful feeling you have because of him being there though I know. I have the same feelings. I'm still not used to it and still want to pick mum up and bring her home. I know I can't though, it wouldn't work, I couldn't manage, I was struggling before and that's why mum went into the care home and like you now social services are involved and we don't have LPA I'm not sure I'd even be allowed. I thought I'd feel better when mum was in care home but I don't really, I am really struggling with it especially as mums not eating and is sad some of the time which I think is my fault for putting mum in the home. But somewhere, very deep down a lot of the time but occassionaly its high enough for me to believe it, is the thought mum is better off in the CH than at home and that is what's important not my feelings. At times I can be rational about it and think that mum was also sad at home and also on occassion too upset to eat during the last week or so, so she would possibly have got to the same stage at home as she is in the CH eating wise, also at home she was more and more confused and tormented by wanting to go home and not knowing me and that at least seems to have lessened in the CH and she seems much less agitated which is a good thing, plus she is safe as she can't get out of CH. I still worry I did wrong thing, I still feel sad and sorry for mum, I still feel responsible, but the most important thing is mum is safe and being looked after. I keep telling myself that and so should you and your sister.
I couldn't keep looking after mum at home as she didn't know who I was and often wanted me to leave and she wouldn't accept SS carers just the ones we arranged for 2 afternoons a week and she wouldn't let them do much. Mum was at the stage really where I felt she needed someone with her full time and I thought of moving back in with her or her moving here but couldn't as she didn't know who I was a lot of the time. Just like you and your sister can't look after your dad long term and he won't accept the help from the carers so a CH is best place for them both, hard and heartbreaking as that is.
I think it'll be easier when we can go into the CHs and see where they are and how they do things. Though the Deputy Manager at mums home said me not being able to visit at first because of covid had probably helped my mum as she would have kept wanting to come home with us when we left and not understood why she couldn't, she was like that in the hospital for couple of weeks before went into CH. I find it really upsetting, much more so than I thought I would but then I was always upset when mum was at home too and so was she.
Mum also told SW, hospital staff and CH that she didn't have carers when she was at home, she didn't need them as there is nothing wrong with her and does everything herself, sometimes I think she said it to make them think she was ok (hostess mode) others I don't think she knew she had them or had me help, her brain didn't process and put things together that way all the time. She'd often tell me she'd been at home all day on her own and not seen anyone for days despite the fact I'd been there 9 hours and she'd say she didn't have carers but then talk about the carer who came and called her my carer. As an example when mum was in hospital OT told me she'd talked to mum about carers and said this. OT said to mum Do you have carers at home? mum said No, OT said what about A (mums favourite and usual carer who came twice a week) who comes to see you on tuesday and thursday who is she? Mum said A, she's my carer.
Sorry for rambling on, just wanted to say I feel the same, but I hope we'll get used to it and feel better soon and us and our loved parents settle in to things soon and hopefully we'll be able to visit and spend time with them in a better way soon, fingers crossed ? and hugs for you and your sister ??