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News at last

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
263
So dad is being admitted to a Care Home On Monday or Tuesday should the Covid Test results not be back in time for Monday. I had to go to the CH this afternoon to pick up test that sister is going to do on dad tomorrow morning so lets hope she manages to get it done. I have to take the test back to the CH no later than 12pm. Dad is not going into either of the CH's that were mentioned to us a month or so ago as they won't take him due to his behaviour which is a bit disappointing but at least the one he is going to have accepted and hopefully do know what challenges dad may present. Sister was also called and give her credit she did ring me as well. Dads medication will be looked into for the two weeks he is initially expected to be there for so we won't know yet if this is a permanent move as lady that called says they will assess after then if dad can return to his home. I will have the unenviable job of taking dad there but sister has said she will discuss with dad about him having to go somewhere else ' for a while'. I have been in my loft looking for some luggage/holders for dads clothes etc and had a surprising selection which I will leave at dads tomorrow as sister says she will pack dads stuff. I did ask lady on reception when picking up covid test for dad what arrangements they will have for visits and she said after December 2nd they will have visits in a room at the CH so that sounds pretty good at least if dad has to stay there we won't be stood in the cold. Currently due to latest restrictions no visits are allowed. I think sister is still hoping that dad may be able to go to the CH nearer to us but I think if dad settles there and its decided he can't go home I can't see that they would change his CH. We will need to keep a eye on his home maybe leave some lights on as dad always has lights on in hall upstairs overnight I also have one of those gadgets that looks like a TV on so might set that up too. I only renewed dads insurance last month but said to sister maybe we should remove anything that is of personnel value 'just incase' but she didn't make any comment so not sure what to do.
I went to dads after collecting test and just popped away in drawer, dad was in lounge eyes closed and the two cakes the lunch carer left still on a plate as dad didn't want a meal again. I spoke to dad a few times but he didn't answer but I suspect he wasn't really sleeping. I left a note for carer but as it happens I saw her arrive just as I got into my car so went over to speak with her briefly before she went in. I explained how dad was and said I didn't think she would be able to do much as he was most likely pretending to sleep. I hadn't been home long when mobile rang the carer that just went in said dad told her to go away so she went in kitchen and she heard dad shouting 'Thank god Thank god'. Carer did attempt to try and empty dads catheter bag but she said he started getting aggressive/shouting at her so she said she called her office to tell them and left dad without being able to provide any care. I had read dads notes in book and dad had raised his hand and gone to hit the male carer that had gone in last night to help dad into Pajamas and into bed but did manage as he said he told dad not to raise his hand to him again. Two of dads bedtime pills were found in bedroom by sister same pill so obviously separate nights so dad must not have swallowed them when given by night carers. I sat staring at dad today from my chair just slumped in his couch no TV on, nothing from him at all no response to me and feel so sad and worse still because he has no idea what change is coming Monday 😭
 
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MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,005
Essex
Dear @Wildflowerlady,

I remember when my dad went into the home for respite before going in permanently and I felt guilty I was a bit worried but then I remembered what it was like caring for him. It is sad when things het to that point but you must tell yourself that you and your sister did all you could. When you take your dad you will have to tell a love lie and when you leave him you may not be able to say goodbye but just leave discreetly.

When I left dad at the home and came away I felt upset and guilty but then I felt relief as well. Dad came out two weeks later but a couple of weeks after that he had to go in permanently and I have to admit that I did grieve a bit but I I didn't stop being a carer because I just became a long distance carer.

MaNaAk
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,975
South East
It will be hard, just remind yourself why he is going there , to be cared for , warm, dry , clean , safe and fed . I wouldn’t tell him too much . The staff should be well prepared and will take over once you arrive . This is the best thing for dad.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,907
South coast
Well, all I can say is - at last!

I hope all goes well with the arrangements. Im keeping everything crossed for you
xx
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,245
Southampton
at least there is now a plan in place and the uncertainty has gone. dont hang around saying goodbye, its not goodbye but see you later. at least sister has accepted it and you havent got to struggle with her as well. you know that he is safe and have other people around all the time. it might be the making of him and you can be his daughter. thinking of you monday/tuesday
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,005
Essex
I thought my dad's memory improved a little when he went into the home because he had company all the time and he was kept busy. Also once when I arrived he was more interested in his latest flame than me.

Good luck

MaNaAk
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,342
Dorset
Well you sat and studied him and hopefully that has made you realise that his quality of life is diminishing staying alone in his home so there is every chance that with 24hour care and encouragement to look after himself with eating and accepting personal care his circumstances could well improve in residential care.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
55
It’s a hard thing to do and I worried about it endlessly that I wouldn’t be able to leave Mum when it came to it. I couldn’t tell her where she was going as she wouldn’t have accepted it or comprehended it so went with we are going for lunch. As it was COVid times I could only leave her on the doorstep and she went away quite happily. I think you’ll feel better that he’s not sat there on his own. Best Of luck
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,011
Hope your sister manages to do the test and you get your dad to the care home ok. I’d tell him that something needs to be done to his house so that's why he’s going somewhere else for a while.
So glad things are moving in the right direction for once.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,766
Yorkshire
Good to hear you finally got a decision, even if not quite a final one yet as have to wait till after assessment. Hope the day you take him goes ok 🤞 You could always tell your dad the DR says he needs a medication review and he has to go into a care or convalescence place for a little while while they monitor and review it.
In the CH if dad refuses care they can retreat and return later, multiple times if needs be which care staff at his own home can only do so many times in a short visit so hopefully that side of things will improve in the CH. 🤗🤗🤗🤗
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
Totally agree with what @annielou has said regarding the staff in the Care Home can ‘keep trying’ if your Dad refuses care initially. It is hard but I am glad that you have had the decision. Glad the Home will be doing visits as that may reassure you too.
 

Hayley JS

Registered User
Feb 20, 2020
180
Phew, you got there in the end! I wouldn't take suitcases or tell your dad where he's going I think it would be too difficult and distressing for you all. Its an awfully difficult thing to do taking your pwd to a CH but it's the right thing for all concerned. When I took mum I snuck off whilst she was chatting to CH staff, I did that everytime I left after visiting or all hell broke loose. She's been back home with me now for over a year and a half, I know there's a good chance that one day I'll have to take her again, I dread that day and hope it never comes, but if it does, I'll be love-lying all the way! Good luck and best wishes
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,245
Southampton
good point wildflowerlady, take his things before or after but i wouldnt have them in the car so your dad can see them, as ""he having cup of tea and cake" he will wonder why. maybe before so some of things can be put in place in his room which will make it familiar. there are those that have gone through that will give you tips on what to take but nothing valuable and label all his clothes with his name as when they go for washing, its hard to work out whose is whose especially as the men tend to wear the same and similar sizes. and glasses and walking stick if he has one. you can say you are going to his room/toilet and just go. you can always phone later to see how he is. good luck and enjoy time with your husband.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,907
South coast
The care home probably wont let you in at all, so it would probably be better to drop your dad off and then go back and pack. I agree - dont let him see you packing, or see the suitcases in the car. You dont have to do everything in one go, you can just pack enough for a few days, drop that off at the care home and bring in the rest as and when. Make sure you label everything of his - things tend to go walkabout in care homes as people with dementia have rather fluid notions of ownership. Dont send in anything expensive, irreplaceable, or with a high sentimental value. Its best to send copies of photos rather than the originals and send them in photo frames that have plastic rather than glass.
I used clip on labels for mums clothes as it was quick and easy and they survived the industrial washers and dryers for the whole three years she was there. I used this crowd

When you drop your dad off, if he wants you to go in with him, say that you have got to sort out something in the car and he should go in ahead. The staff will know how to deal with it all.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,127
North West
Well you got there in the end @Wildflowerlady. I agree with some of the others on packing seperate to taking your dad. My mum was very difficult to manage with this so I took her and then came back home to pack her things which was hard but necessary as I didn't want to mum to get upset at any stage of the move to a CH. As @canary says I then took more items in as it became obvious mum would be staying in the CH. Its not easy, but in the end as a carer there are no other suitable alternatives when a certain point is reached often because we have exhausted all others. Best wishes.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
263
Hi Everyone,
So sister managed to get dads Covid 19 test done she says she hopes she has done it well enough but was tricky as had to tell dad three times what she needed to do, she told him his GP had wanted the test doing and had ' Paid lots of money for it'. I collected in good time from dads and took test over to the CH. I asked lady on reception if she could give me a brochure to take to sister as sister hasn't been over to the home. Due to Covid 19 there is currently no visiting anyway and I will have to leave dad in the Reception Area on the day so won't get to see inside of the CH myself either so no idea what dads room will be like. The CH does have separate units, floors for Dementia and Nursing Care lady thought dad would go onto the Nursing care unit because of the Catheter and medication reviews. According to the brochure all are single occupancy rooms and all with a en-suite bathroom. Lady said that they supply soap, shower gel, toothpaste the bedding, towels, and flannels. Dad will have a TV in his room so no need to take one. As dad likes to listen to a CD mostly Frank Sinatra, Elvis and Matt Monroe said to take his CD player, headphones and some of his CD's over. The lady did actually say to make sure we labelled everything if there was a white label in clothes we could mark with a Sharpie pen. Sister was at dads when I picked the test up but surprisingly polite this is the problem I just can't keep up with her ups and downs and the way she treats me so I never know what to expect from her and it makes me very wary of her.
Sister and I did have a chat as dad was in another room. I had mentioned about labels in dads stuff again yesterday during a call between us as I had actually ordered some last month in anticipation of dad going to Respite or full Residential Care soon. Sister was still funny about stuff being labelled I believe from what she said previously she considers it non essential and doesn't work anyway believing stuff will go missing whatever we do. Sister did say in a text message last night that she would sort some of dads stuff out this morning for me to take to the CH the plan being I would leave a suitable bag/holdall at dads for her to pack it and collect it either this afternoon or Sunday. I could leave the bag at dads when I was picking the covid test up this morning. I decided to send sister a text this morning saying that it might be a good idea if I could actually collect what she selects this morning and bring the stuff home on my later visit to dad and label everything over the weekend. I told sister the CH is quite a large one and stuff will go missing if not labelled. Sister having said she would sort dads stuff out for CH last night has said this morning after receiving my text that perhaps I should now sort and pack his stuff myself so I'm guessing she was a bit irritated :rolleyes:. I didn't take the bag in the end as thought if I was doing I would now just put dads stuff in a couple of carriers to bring home and pack properly once labelled. Dads was better this afternoon and he was awake and much brighter today but had told carer last night he was dead. The carer called sister who went round but she wasn't happy as felt he hadn't tried to get dad to bed and left after only logging in for a brief time. Perhaps the carer was very apprehensive as dad had raised his hand to him only the night before and shouted at him.
I managed to go upstairs and put some of dads clothes in a couple of large shopping bags without him knowing as he was busy sucking on a chocolate covered ice cream :) will need to sort a dressing gown tomorrow.
I will label everything I can tomorrow as quite honestly having been awake almost all night I am shattered today.
Sister and I agreed dad would need some extra bits so I popped into Tesco and got another pair of Pajamas, some short sleeve vests which he wears during day and under his Pajamas some extra black socks and a cardigan. I also ordered online some extra joggers, pants and another pair of slippers as sometimes dads catheter valve has come open resulting in wet socks and slippers. Dad is tight so he hasn't had any new stuff for a while we accept it will be washed at high temperatures so didn't go OTT on quality but bought basic range stuff. I will collect stuff from click collect on Monday so that stuff will go into home another day.
Dads Social Worker that has made all the arrangements said she will call the home on Tuesday to see how dad is settling in she is not working on Monday but says any problems getting dad in we can attempt again on Tuesday she also gave me her colleagues number.
My sister from what she said today was not actually told the CH she was keen on had declined to take dad nor the other one that had been mentioned had also declined so was quite surprised when it came up during our conversation. I said to sister the Social Worker had explained to me it was because of the aggression that dad displays towards receiving care but sister is still of a mind that dads problems will be sorted during this 2 week stay/respite and that the CH near her will consider taking dad. I don't think things will be resolved that easily but said no more as I didn't want to shatter her hopes. Thank you all for reading and the good advice, kind words and understanding perhaps. If no one minds I will update when I have taken dad in.
 
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Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,342
Dorset
Don’t worry about not posting, you will be busy sewing, I remember it well. In the end I wrote the name on any label that was still in the clothing and left it to the laundry staff to find them!
 

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