thats sounds quite positive, wildflowerlady and personal care can be a bit of a sticky wicket. its good he is starting to find other people. its good she is going in to see him face to face and can give you a good account of how hes been. youve done so well getting him this far making sure that he is being properly cared for. could it be that he recognised sister voice and acted up[sorry for want of a better word] like children are good for people they dont know but are rascals for their parents. has the home rung you about the slip, is he saying it. breathe, remember what the social worker said as thats probably how hes acting so dont worry and phone if need be just to check. it maybe he is just saying these things to make your sister feel guilty and take him home.
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- Thread starter Wildflowerlady
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It is really very early days yet , he needs time to get used to the new routines , layout and to trust the staff , I appreciate its hard. You have done the very best thing for your dad , he has 24 hour care , is warm and fed and has company , I’m sure he will settle soon . Please be gentle with yourself , you have done the most unselfish thing in putting your dads best interests first and taken him to where he will be well cared for . ? ?
Your dad is bound to have good days and bad days, so please dont worry too much. The staff will know how to deal him and you know that he is being looked after - even on a bad day.
It does sound to me,though, that he is beginning to settle
It does sound to me,though, that he is beginning to settle
I called CH this afternoon but was told dad was asleep so I said not to disturb him. I was a bit perturbed about dad saying to sister he had a fall yesterday but Nurse checked the notes and said he hadn't and if something was to happen they would have contacted us. I asked if they had got dad his weekly TV magazine but she couldn't see it in his room so said she would check downstairs ( dementia unit is on 2nd floor ) I was told dad had been taken a cooked breakfast but had only eaten half had some snacks and drink last night but didn't say exactly what. Dad hadn't eaten a savory lunch but she said he had two puddings rhubarb crumble and some Toffee cheesecake she said she had said to dad he must have a sweet tooth. Nurse said dad is pretty quiet they hadn't had any issues with the personnel care and was fine getting washed/dressed this morning so that was positive. In some ways I suppose I was a little relieved dad was sleeping as was worried he would be like he was during sisters call yesterday Nurse said he has been OK today. Sister and I had a chat today I think we are both feeling bad that dad is now in the CH and wish there was something more we could do. My sister sounded sincere and asked me if I thought dad did need Residential Care and I said I thought he did now. I asked my sister if she thought same she replied he probably did but says her biggest concern is Covid getting into the CH as she felt in that respect dad was much more protected from it at home. This fear has now made me/us question if there is any way we can delay dad being in CH after the Respite Time/ Assessment is done and if he can be managed for a little bit longer at home. I know this feeling is somewhat down to the enormous guilt and anxiety we are bearing now. Its not helped because placing dad into Residential Care has been so hard and tearing our hearts apart and the Covid situation has made everything harder still as we can't see him in the environment he is now in. Problem would be there might be no help from carers at all and the other factors will still be there that we can't say could be resolved. It might even be this is totally out of our hands now as we have no Health/Welfare LPA although Social Worker said we will be consulted and opinions taken into account in any decisions that are made. I just wish the vaccination was available now and we could see dad whenever we liked.
@Wildflowerlady, if reports are to be believed the vaccine could be administered to care home residents within the next few weeks, which would potentially lead to a significant improvement in visiting arrangements. Fingers crossed.
Thank you @CardiffGirlInEssex I do hope so, I think if dad needs to stay in CH which is very likely the sooner the vaccine is available the better and hopefully we will all adjust to dad getting the care he needs with lots of visits and hugs from us.
at least hes eating which was starting to be a struggle. i think its a wait and see but those in care homes are supposed to be done first so your dad will be protected earlier than at home hopefully. sounds like there arent any issues and hes not getting anxious as he was before with the carers going in.
Hi @Wildflowerlady, it's early days, but all in all it sounds like your dad is settling really well. My mum spent most of her first few months in her care home trying to escape and nearly succeeded on a few occasions. Your dad sounds pretty settled already, though there are bound to be ups and downs.
I hope after the social workers seen him tomorrow you'll have more idea as to what will happen next, though I do think it's unlikely they'll suggest he comes home. If one care company, that had looked after him for several years couldn't cope, I doubt another one would. He needs to be somewhere where if he won't accept help straight away a carer can come back and try later.
As @CardiffGirlInEssex said there may well be vaccines rolled out in the next couples of months, and when you can visit it will feel much better. the carers and other residents of my mum's home were like an extra set of friends, and I miss seeing them as well as my mum at the moment.
I hope after the social workers seen him tomorrow you'll have more idea as to what will happen next, though I do think it's unlikely they'll suggest he comes home. If one care company, that had looked after him for several years couldn't cope, I doubt another one would. He needs to be somewhere where if he won't accept help straight away a carer can come back and try later.
As @CardiffGirlInEssex said there may well be vaccines rolled out in the next couples of months, and when you can visit it will feel much better. the carers and other residents of my mum's home were like an extra set of friends, and I miss seeing them as well as my mum at the moment.
Thank you @Sarasa ,
My head is still whirling around I think if times were different and visits allowed both sister and I would be coping better as it is we are both very tearful. Our poor dad will be so confused and he obviously had some awareness of what was happening that day as in having to leave his home. We feel bad that he is anxious to get home again and doesn't know why he can't go home. I was surprised when the Social Worker that did the video call said dad told her he didn't have carers at home but sister says maybe he didn't relate the word carers to ladies coming in but I would have thought Social Worker would have put in a way dad would have understood what she was talking about has he forgotten them so quickly?. Sister is calling the CH this afternoon and will let me know how it goes. We are both calling into dads home to keep an eye on it me putting a couple of lights on as it gets dark as dad always had landing light on all night and sister is switching off in the morning. Its strange going into dads home without him being there but we need to keep an eye on it as don't want people to realise its now empty as could get broken into if anyone gets wind of dad not being there..
My head is still whirling around I think if times were different and visits allowed both sister and I would be coping better as it is we are both very tearful. Our poor dad will be so confused and he obviously had some awareness of what was happening that day as in having to leave his home. We feel bad that he is anxious to get home again and doesn't know why he can't go home. I was surprised when the Social Worker that did the video call said dad told her he didn't have carers at home but sister says maybe he didn't relate the word carers to ladies coming in but I would have thought Social Worker would have put in a way dad would have understood what she was talking about has he forgotten them so quickly?. Sister is calling the CH this afternoon and will let me know how it goes. We are both calling into dads home to keep an eye on it me putting a couple of lights on as it gets dark as dad always had landing light on all night and sister is switching off in the morning. Its strange going into dads home without him being there but we need to keep an eye on it as don't want people to realise its now empty as could get broken into if anyone gets wind of dad not being there..
Things sound to be going ok for your dad in CH, it's an awful feeling you have because of him being there though I know. I have the same feelings. I'm still not used to it and still want to pick mum up and bring her home. I know I can't though, it wouldn't work, I couldn't manage, I was struggling before and that's why mum went into the care home and like you now social services are involved and we don't have LPA I'm not sure I'd even be allowed. I thought I'd feel better when mum was in care home but I don't really, I am really struggling with it especially as mums not eating and is sad some of the time which I think is my fault for putting mum in the home. But somewhere, very deep down a lot of the time but occassionaly its high enough for me to believe it, is the thought mum is better off in the CH than at home and that is what's important not my feelings. At times I can be rational about it and think that mum was also sad at home and also on occassion too upset to eat during the last week or so, so she would possibly have got to the same stage at home as she is in the CH eating wise, also at home she was more and more confused and tormented by wanting to go home and not knowing me and that at least seems to have lessened in the CH and she seems much less agitated which is a good thing, plus she is safe as she can't get out of CH. I still worry I did wrong thing, I still feel sad and sorry for mum, I still feel responsible, but the most important thing is mum is safe and being looked after. I keep telling myself that and so should you and your sister.
I couldn't keep looking after mum at home as she didn't know who I was and often wanted me to leave and she wouldn't accept SS carers just the ones we arranged for 2 afternoons a week and she wouldn't let them do much. Mum was at the stage really where I felt she needed someone with her full time and I thought of moving back in with her or her moving here but couldn't as she didn't know who I was a lot of the time. Just like you and your sister can't look after your dad long term and he won't accept the help from the carers so a CH is best place for them both, hard and heartbreaking as that is.
I think it'll be easier when we can go into the CHs and see where they are and how they do things. Though the Deputy Manager at mums home said me not being able to visit at first because of covid had probably helped my mum as she would have kept wanting to come home with us when we left and not understood why she couldn't, she was like that in the hospital for couple of weeks before went into CH. I find it really upsetting, much more so than I thought I would but then I was always upset when mum was at home too and so was she.
Mum also told SW, hospital staff and CH that she didn't have carers when she was at home, she didn't need them as there is nothing wrong with her and does everything herself, sometimes I think she said it to make them think she was ok (hostess mode) others I don't think she knew she had them or had me help, her brain didn't process and put things together that way all the time. She'd often tell me she'd been at home all day on her own and not seen anyone for days despite the fact I'd been there 9 hours and she'd say she didn't have carers but then talk about the carer who came and called her my carer. As an example when mum was in hospital OT told me she'd talked to mum about carers and said this. OT said to mum Do you have carers at home? mum said No, OT said what about A (mums favourite and usual carer who came twice a week) who comes to see you on tuesday and thursday who is she? Mum said A, she's my carer.
Sorry for rambling on, just wanted to say I feel the same, but I hope we'll get used to it and feel better soon and us and our loved parents settle in to things soon and hopefully we'll be able to visit and spend time with them in a better way soon, fingers crossed ? and hugs for you and your sister ??
I couldn't keep looking after mum at home as she didn't know who I was and often wanted me to leave and she wouldn't accept SS carers just the ones we arranged for 2 afternoons a week and she wouldn't let them do much. Mum was at the stage really where I felt she needed someone with her full time and I thought of moving back in with her or her moving here but couldn't as she didn't know who I was a lot of the time. Just like you and your sister can't look after your dad long term and he won't accept the help from the carers so a CH is best place for them both, hard and heartbreaking as that is.
I think it'll be easier when we can go into the CHs and see where they are and how they do things. Though the Deputy Manager at mums home said me not being able to visit at first because of covid had probably helped my mum as she would have kept wanting to come home with us when we left and not understood why she couldn't, she was like that in the hospital for couple of weeks before went into CH. I find it really upsetting, much more so than I thought I would but then I was always upset when mum was at home too and so was she.
Mum also told SW, hospital staff and CH that she didn't have carers when she was at home, she didn't need them as there is nothing wrong with her and does everything herself, sometimes I think she said it to make them think she was ok (hostess mode) others I don't think she knew she had them or had me help, her brain didn't process and put things together that way all the time. She'd often tell me she'd been at home all day on her own and not seen anyone for days despite the fact I'd been there 9 hours and she'd say she didn't have carers but then talk about the carer who came and called her my carer. As an example when mum was in hospital OT told me she'd talked to mum about carers and said this. OT said to mum Do you have carers at home? mum said No, OT said what about A (mums favourite and usual carer who came twice a week) who comes to see you on tuesday and thursday who is she? Mum said A, she's my carer.
Sorry for rambling on, just wanted to say I feel the same, but I hope we'll get used to it and feel better soon and us and our loved parents settle in to things soon and hopefully we'll be able to visit and spend time with them in a better way soon, fingers crossed ? and hugs for you and your sister ??
Hi @annielou Thank you so much I have followed your posts about your mum and know you are quite new to situation of your mum going into CH. I know you have done your very best and taken mum lots of stuff in to try and help her settle with lovely goodie bags full of things she likes. I couldn't really say much to your posts as I didn't have any experience of seeing someone I loved going into care but now really appreciate how awful it is to have someone go into a CH when you feel desperate to keep them home like you did but feel you cannot do anything else to help them . I feel everything you describe its so hard isn't it one minute thinking the right thing has been done in hope of keeping them safer than they would be at home the next feeling that you just want them home again believing they would be so much happier. I have to admit dad was not always happy at home either and sometimes said he didn't want to be there. I think the lack of contact with dad is playing a big part of my feeling so upset as somehow maybe stupidly think if he saw us he would somehow be more content in the CH. The fact is it went from being told ASC would try and arrange another Care Company in the 28 days notice they had to saying just 2 days before dads Carers were stopping that dad would actually be going into this CH for two weeks. I was called by ASC only days before and being asked about the times that dads carer called so it did look like carers were going to be sorted. It shows how muddled I feel about the current situation as at that time I thought carers were coming back into dads home but didn't think would work and dad needed 24/7 care. I am now wishing new carers had been arranged but maybe all for selfish reasons of wanting to see dad back in his own home but knowing its not necessarily the right decision for him to be home. Sister was able to speak to dad this afternoon she said he was taken to the dining room for his lunch today but he just had puddings again but not sure what they were. Dad said to her people were lunatics and some were smashing their plates so if true not a good experience for him. Sister said he didn't mention home as such he wasn't sure where he was but said the room he was in was not his room at home he couldn't put the TV on so said it didn't work. Sister tried to see if she could get him to put it on but said was difficult as wasn't sure what the remote was like tried saying to dad press the red button but no luck. My sister feels the CH is the wrong place for dad and is convincing herself more and more that dad could still be at home and this is where he should be she is thinking everyone he saw today was worse than him. I tried to go along with her part way but I did say that even if dad is having a good day tomorrow the Social Worker would still see problems like getting carers in to his home, dads stairs and the fact he is alone so much which is time we can't really fill enough for him. Sister does seem to have a rosier picture of dad sitting watching TV all day all cosy warm and lovely and is forgetting the outbursts he has been having whilst alone in his home. I wish dad could be home more than anything and if its possible to resolve these issues than I would openly shout for joy but as you describe deep down I know he needs much more care than we can now give him and it hurts so much to see his life end up like this. I can only say to sister we shall have to wait and see what the lady from ASC finds on her visit to dad tomorrow she did say dads time could be extended if they feel they need longer to come to any longer term conclusion to dads care. Its probably going to be best we can only express our wishes but final decision will be down to someone else. My main hope is dad is cared for safe and will settle in a CH if no other option. I do hope he might get in the CH closer to his current home so that eventual short visits out of the CH will be in more familiar surroundings. I know I am probably hoping for far too much on that point as might not ever be an option. Thanks @annielou I know my heart and head will be in conflict for a long time. I don't know how I would manage without people like yourself who offer their experiences to help others and expect you feel the same. I know that many have gone through this before us and sadly there will be many that have this yet to come dementia affects not only the person with it but also the ones that love them such a dreadful illness. My sister has just text its full of sadness for dad saying now he said he had been crying is bewildered about what he saw at lunchtime and that last week he was in his cosy home that through no choice of his own has been taken away from. Sister says dad told her he know he doesn't have long. My heart is just bleeding again ??????
Dear @Wildflowerlady,
You will adjust. There was no pandemic when dad was in the home but I remember the sadness and guilt I felt when I left him there. You need to remember that you all you could for your dad before he went into the home and you should be proud of yourself.
MaNaAk
It’s very difficult situation @Wildflowerlady , I too am one that is getting ready to take mum to a ch and I keep thinking maybe she isn’t that bad , maybe she can carry on longer , maybe it’s not the right time yet but a wise lady said to me “you have to think about your mum and what’s best for her not what’s best for you “ and I know she is right and that a move is what’s best for Mum. You did the right thing for your dad , ASC would not have arranged it and they would not have needed to arrange it if the need wasn’t there , he is safe and warm and fed . Mum often mixed things up , there may not have been others smashing plates , he may have had lunch and not just a dessert , he may be mixing different memories or something he has seen elsewhere , please stop beating yourself up ? he is safe and has company 24/7 and people trained to help him , be kind to yourself, find the stick and bash the guilt monster and send him on his way . Big hugs??
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This settling in period is tough and made all the harder because you cannot visit and do not know what the place is like.
Please remember that not everything that your dad tells you may actually be true. Mum used to tell me all sorts of stories about what was happening, but very few of them were true and even the ones that were had been "embroidered"
This settling in period is tough and made all the harder because you cannot visit and do not know what the place is like.
Please remember that not everything that your dad tells you may actually be true. Mum used to tell me all sorts of stories about what was happening, but very few of them were true and even the ones that were had been "embroidered"
I do know that my dad cries he sometimes would have red eyes and kept a cotton handkerchief in his pjamas as still cried over mum. My sister clearly wants dad to come home says she will do his personnel care but I think it's probably out of our hands unless dad is somehow able to convince Social Worker he has capacity but I got the impression they already have doubts that he does. I'm feeling very torn about what's going to be best now.
He may not allow your sister to do his personal care , does she really want to do that or is she clutching at straws . It is so very sad , hopefully soon you will be able to visit when you want and will keep be able to see how he is for yourselves and feel more content ? ?
Both sister and I have dealt with some of dads personal care as in cleaning him up and changing pads but there has always been carers four times a day too. I'm not confident I could deal with dad full time and do find it hard to take if dad shouts at me. Dad still has a side that can be nice but the dementia is taking it away and he's just as likely to say something nasty and hurtful. I know he can't help it but I'm pretty sure I would struggle if it was 24/7 in my home but I feel so guilty if he's so unhappy that he won't settle in a CH and am trying to think if there is any other options to help dad or delay him definitely going into a CH if only for a little while longer. Sisters emotions are not helping either.
you cant wildflowerlady as well as care for your husband. its not humanly possible and maybe your sister has you feeling guilty because thats what she wants. but she doesnt care for a husband as well. its ok not to be able to do everything
Its really, really early days yet. My mum was packing to go home for weeks when she moved into her care home, yet she did settle, made friends and became happy. Its also really common for someone in a care home to tell their relative how terrible it is there, how unhappy they are and plead with them to take them home, and yet, when the relative is not there they are laughing and chatting to the carers and other residents ?. The usual advice is to sneak in and try and observe them without being seen, but of course, you cant do that at the moment. Have you talked to the care home and asked them how he is normally? You might like to ask them about the smashed plates too!
try and not let sisters feelings be transferred to you, she doesn’t have a poorly partner to care for like you so it’s not a level playing field as Jennifer rightly said , you cannot commit to what it would take to care for dad , it would end up someone having to move in , him moving downstairs permanently etc, this really is the best option , painful I can imagine but necessary . ?
