New here! And really struggling w/ grams dementia please help!

[Pixiedust442]

Hi all
My mother (55) and I (23) recently moved in with My grandmother (80) who has dementia, and grandfather who does not. We haven’t taken any steps towards doctors with grandmother for this, legalities or anything yet, but my mother is now the legal owner of the home. I am looking for advice on a few different things so please bare with me I will try not to rant and I’m sorry if I am:

- what are the first steps in getting medical treatment for this? Or getting a diagnosis?

-how do My mother and I convince her to go to a doctor about this? And let my mom come with her?
My gram is a stubborn woman, and knows that she is having memory problems but tends to put up a fight about things because she wants to be independent or she’s also just in denial. So we’re assuming getting her to the doctors and accepting one of us to go with her will be a difficult daunting task.. my mother is also honestly not in the best shape mentally and physically, so she doesn’t even know where to start, and honeslty I don’t think she wants to. She can hardly even take care of herself at the moment so this is all a lot. I want to do more but I have no experience with this so we’re at a total loss.

-how do you deal with disagreements?
One big problem we’re having at the moment is the furniture that my mom moved into the house. Basically, my gram insists that we snuck the furniture into the house and that we are taking over the house and being disrespectful, but we all know that she HAD agreed that my mom could have the furniture in the house. There is no option of getting rid of the furniture as my mom needs it for work and storage, but my grandmother is adamant and getting emotionally abusive bc my mom refuses to move the furniture.. and she keeps bringing it up. And fighting about it a lot. It’s more than just the furniture though, and I understand she’s scared and changes in her environment are also probably causing her to lash out as well, but how do we actually DEAL with these kind of situations? Situations where you can not fix it and the person with dementia continuously has a problem with it? She screams, gets mean and just calls people stupid and tells them to move out every time someone does not agree with her. It’s her way or the highway and that just can’t be sometimes, so what do you all do in those situations?
Also while I’m here, my mom seems to be putting off dealing with this which I understand, but I also feel the faster we deal with this or try to help the situation ( get to the doctor with gram, fully evaluated, get her some kind of anxiety medication) the easier it will be to live all together.
- Does any one have any tips on how to motivate my mother to start this process?
I can’t stand to see my mom so given up and unhappy, she’s seriosuly had a hard damn life already and things need to be easier and lighter than how it’s going, or else I don’t know what’s going to happen to both my mom my grandparents and also my self quite honestly. It’s been nice to vent as I really haven’t been able to do that to anyone so thank you to whoever reads all this… any help or advice is so appreciated

 

[canary]

Hello @Pixiedust442

I recognise so much of what you are describing. Unfortunately, "my way or the highway" is very much a dementia trait. Many, many people with dementia are unable to even comprehend that they have something wrong with them (although most will admit that their memory isnt what it was) and are unable to admit that they are wrong about things. So they are very unwilling to go to their doctor and they are always "right" - any problems are always someone elses fault!

This means that you have to use "love lies" and subterfuge to get them to do anything that they object to. Perhaps the furniture is just there temporarily and will be moved "tomorrow"/"next week"/after some event. Im unsure whether you are in UK or not, so its difficult to give specific advice on getting your mum started on the road to diagnosis as its different in different countries. Perhaps, though, you could send a letter or email to your GP/family doctor outlining all your concerns so that they are aware.

 

[Lawson58]

Hi and I am sorry that you find yourself in this sad situation.

The only way you can get a diagnosis is to get her to the doctor who will then arrange appropriate investigations and prescribe something to suit your grandmother. And frankly it is up to her husband if he is able to get things moving as he is next of kin. You are assuming and perhaps correctly so that your gram has dementia but there are other things that can cause dementia like symptoms. She may be really scared that she does have dementia and that in itself can be the reason for the denial.

When you are trying to cope with this situation, you need to take a step back and think about how the world looks from her perspective. She has two people move into her home bringing lots of their own possessions and putting them in her home. She may not recall being asked but that to her is an imposition and she doesn’t understand that you wish to help her.

I think I would be very grumpy and cantankerous if someone moved into my home bringing lots of stuff. You also need to remember that it takes two to have an argument, and that while she is being stubborn, if you persist in arguing with her then you could be said to stubborn too.

A person with dementia will always say no to anything so you have to be the adults and find strategies for avoiding fighting with her and what those might be is different depending on your situation.

I am sorry to say this but if your mother is unwell both physically and mentally then I would have to question whether the two if you moving in was a particularly wise one. If your grandmother does have dementia and your mother has issues then it sounds as if this not headed in a very good direction.

You have not said what your grandfather thinks or feels about this and that is a concern as he too is an important person in this whole scheme of things.

 

[Jessbow]

my mother is now the legal owner of the home.

How has that come about? Dosnt sound as though gran has capasity to do this. Possibly not a wise move at this stage, especially as gran may need to go into care at some point

is the house physically big enough for you all? where is the furniture going? changing grans environment will upset her, when already her world is disruped
its a time of big change in grans world- people with dementia dont deal well with change