my wife wants to know how to contact her husband
- Thread starter ASPIRE
- Start date
"Alzheimer's Care My Way"
I've just received a sample copy of my book for review prior to publishing. For those who wish to read it please PM me and I'll provide the free download of the book.
Should one glance through the pictures and the 44 pages of medical notes to the rear they'll find they sum up the story better than words.
The medical diary cover the nine months from the day I removed my wife from the NH. After the nine months, the diary ends and the nurses disappeared without warning and I was happy, left to continue care.
The reason I make this offer is that I find it easier than posting on so many of the problems we all encounter along the very trying period of our lives. Just maybe it will prove useful viewing from a 'one off' perspective.
As I review it, I find some very small changes are required, but nothing major that interferes with the story. After the weekend it should be ready for publication.
I've just received a sample copy of my book for review prior to publishing. For those who wish to read it please PM me and I'll provide the free download of the book.
Should one glance through the pictures and the 44 pages of medical notes to the rear they'll find they sum up the story better than words.
The medical diary cover the nine months from the day I removed my wife from the NH. After the nine months, the diary ends and the nurses disappeared without warning and I was happy, left to continue care.
The reason I make this offer is that I find it easier than posting on so many of the problems we all encounter along the very trying period of our lives. Just maybe it will prove useful viewing from a 'one off' perspective.
As I review it, I find some very small changes are required, but nothing major that interferes with the story. After the weekend it should be ready for publication.
You're most certainly not wasting your time. You sound incredibly caring and I love the way you handled the situation with your wife. Too many of us react with logic and a need to tell the truth - at least at the beginning.
My Dad has struggled with Mum telling him she wants him out of the house because it's hers and he has no right to be there.
Mum is now in a home but things became very bad between them. Mum was very agitated and pretty aggressive towards Dad, threatening him that her father would come and make him move out. Her Dad died when she was 9.
Unfortunately, Dad didn't react well which exacerbated the situation and made Mum even more unsettled.
We now think that perhaps it was the house itself that made Mum anxious and upset because it was a constant reminder of who she no longer was and the things she could no longer do. Obviously, Mum wouldn't be able to rationalise it like that but the emotion would be very real to her.
I really admire the way you handled your situation and I love that you feel priviledged to have shared your wife's dementia journey with her - what an amazing way to look at it.
My Dad has struggled with Mum telling him she wants him out of the house because it's hers and he has no right to be there.
Mum is now in a home but things became very bad between them. Mum was very agitated and pretty aggressive towards Dad, threatening him that her father would come and make him move out. Her Dad died when she was 9.
Unfortunately, Dad didn't react well which exacerbated the situation and made Mum even more unsettled.
We now think that perhaps it was the house itself that made Mum anxious and upset because it was a constant reminder of who she no longer was and the things she could no longer do. Obviously, Mum wouldn't be able to rationalise it like that but the emotion would be very real to her.
I really admire the way you handled your situation and I love that you feel priviledged to have shared your wife's dementia journey with her - what an amazing way to look at it.
Remembering her husband
Hello Aspire, I feel for you. My Mother is not at that stage and i have no personnel experience to offer ...BUT I did hear something on the radio (I think) which might be helpful. This was about a woman in a care-home who had no idea who her husband was when he came to visit as, in her mind, she was married to a much younger man. But, his voice on the phone hadn't changed much so she was happy to have phone conversations with him - very happy. And then he could say he'd be coming to see her soon...
This fits in with what Padraig and Rajahh said.
Hello Aspire, I feel for you. My Mother is not at that stage and i have no personnel experience to offer ...BUT I did hear something on the radio (I think) which might be helpful. This was about a woman in a care-home who had no idea who her husband was when he came to visit as, in her mind, she was married to a much younger man. But, his voice on the phone hadn't changed much so she was happy to have phone conversations with him - very happy. And then he could say he'd be coming to see her soon...
This fits in with what Padraig and Rajahh said.
Hi Aspire,
My wife is exactly the same as you describe. I know how difficult this situation is.
However, my wife has vascular dementia and once in a while she remembers me. At these times life becomes extremely hard.
She believes that I have dumped her in a care home ( she is still living with me at home) and begins to castigate me for leaving her there. She can harangue me for some hours and I have no answer to this. Once she leaves the room there is a chance that her memory have returned to "normal".
The hard thing is knowing that there is no way back for her and our previous life and memories are lost to her.
Best wishes
John H
my mum can be like this especially in the evening and when she's awake at night When i was with her in January she kept asking where her parents were and when she was going home so I'd say that we'd go home in the morning and not to worry 'everyone' (I couldn't say your parents) knew where she was and wasn't worried about her...this would calm her for a while but I had to repeat throughout the night
But Dad can't go with the flow and says this is your home, we've been living here for 11 years etc etc, fortunately he doesn't get angry just impatient sometimes
But Dad can't go with the flow and says this is your home, we've been living here for 11 years etc etc, fortunately he doesn't get angry just impatient sometimes
Hijohnno my husband crys alot as he doesn't know where his wife is however l say l am your wife l am with you all the time but nothing will convince him that l am his wife, he also is always showing me our wedding photo saying thats my wife, l think he can only see me as a young person now l am 68. It is so upsetting and it is very hard to come to terms with it we just have to try to stay strong. Hope this is of some help to you pamann
Sent from my GT-P5210 using Talking Point mobile app
Sent from my GT-P5210 using Talking Point mobile app
byron
My wife has not expressed a wish to go home, although she insists where we have lived for 30 years is not her home, sometimes it is 'better here' other times it is not. Most of the time I am not her husband, I am in fact 'the lady she sleeps with' and although this is sad she seems to be quite happy with it and I am rapidly coming to terms with the situation.
As has been said recently one must be prepared to 'let things go' and maybe tell a few white lies now and then, it is of little use trying to correct her statements, this only leads to arguments and as I am never going to win there is no point in trying, I am just happy that we do communicate at a reasonable level most of the time and that we are still very much together.
Although I am sure there are admirable care homes I feel very much for those who have to resort to them.
Love and best wishes to all.
byron
My wife has not expressed a wish to go home, although she insists where we have lived for 30 years is not her home, sometimes it is 'better here' other times it is not. Most of the time I am not her husband, I am in fact 'the lady she sleeps with' and although this is sad she seems to be quite happy with it and I am rapidly coming to terms with the situation.
As has been said recently one must be prepared to 'let things go' and maybe tell a few white lies now and then, it is of little use trying to correct her statements, this only leads to arguments and as I am never going to win there is no point in trying, I am just happy that we do communicate at a reasonable level most of the time and that we are still very much together.
Although I am sure there are admirable care homes I feel very much for those who have to resort to them.
Love and best wishes to all.
byron
Your Book
Hi Padraig,
You are definitely not wasting your time, I am starting to go through the same thing with my wife and handling it is proving to be difficult. Going home is now a constant theme and she will pack important books (to her) to take home.
So how other's handle this is going to be of particular benefit to me as AD progresses.
I would love to read your book and would be happy to purchase it.
Kind regards, Peter.
Hi Padraig,
You are definitely not wasting your time, I am starting to go through the same thing with my wife and handling it is proving to be difficult. Going home is now a constant theme and she will pack important books (to her) to take home.
So how other's handle this is going to be of particular benefit to me as AD progresses.
I would love to read your book and would be happy to purchase it.
Kind regards, Peter.
My Wife
My wife was finally given a diagnosis of Picks 6 years ago at the age of 43. From being head of an arts faculty at a local school to being in care was only 3 months, oct2007/feb2008. She has been in a care setting ever since as having her at home would have been dangerous for all of us; including our two daughters aged 12 and 14 at the time. She still recognises us and is very fit and active. We visit every day and take her out often. She appears happy and can be content on occasions. She lives very much in the moment and is easily distracted. I am not having any of the issues spoken about in other posts ie asking for husband/ home as she is aware of home and family but almost non verbal only speaking occasionally. A horrible illness and one which does not flag up as high in terms of support. Since diagnosis no special support has been offered. I have nothing but admiration for those of you who are able to manage with partners at home, as my mother did with her recently deceased husband. However, living that close with the illness would wear me out I feel! So well done and good wishes
My wife was finally given a diagnosis of Picks 6 years ago at the age of 43. From being head of an arts faculty at a local school to being in care was only 3 months, oct2007/feb2008. She has been in a care setting ever since as having her at home would have been dangerous for all of us; including our two daughters aged 12 and 14 at the time. She still recognises us and is very fit and active. We visit every day and take her out often. She appears happy and can be content on occasions. She lives very much in the moment and is easily distracted. I am not having any of the issues spoken about in other posts ie asking for husband/ home as she is aware of home and family but almost non verbal only speaking occasionally. A horrible illness and one which does not flag up as high in terms of support. Since diagnosis no special support has been offered. I have nothing but admiration for those of you who are able to manage with partners at home, as my mother did with her recently deceased husband. However, living that close with the illness would wear me out I feel! So well done and good wishes
Peter
You do not have to purchase my book. It's free to download to anyone who is caring for a loved one. Once again below is the download to click on. No doubt there will be many questions people will like to ask. I'll be only too happy to answer any question.
The main reason I wrote it was to show a different approach and perspective to coping. When I first decided to take on caring for my wife on my own in our home, well meaning people told me it was impossible. Time and again I rejected help and the fact that our daughter agreed with the professionals, is recorded in the medical diary attached to the end of the book.
I now accept and understand why it is considered to be an impossible task to undertake on one's own. No one should feel guilty with having to place their LO in a NH, least of all daughters or sons. It does harm to their health and is of no help to their loved one. Anyone who reads my story will, or may understand
how it was I was capable of 'going it alone.'
It does not contain my complete personal story, suffice to say I came from a different background from most. As a kid I was emotionally barren, mean and nasty. Imagine, myself and two other kids I hung out with; 'we were nobodies children', we use to howl with laughter when we heard other kids, cry out: "Mammy, Daddy" as they received a good beating. It was a steep learning curve to understand Love, become attached and to protect the person who became the love of my life.
Those who take in a stray abused dog, will understand the true meaning of loyalty. We could learn a lot from dogs. Sorry to rabbit on. The download:
https://www.btcloud.bt.com/?shareObject=c4c1ce7b-47f1-41ac-a8bb-9ceab9ba96f3
You do not have to purchase my book. It's free to download to anyone who is caring for a loved one. Once again below is the download to click on. No doubt there will be many questions people will like to ask. I'll be only too happy to answer any question.
The main reason I wrote it was to show a different approach and perspective to coping. When I first decided to take on caring for my wife on my own in our home, well meaning people told me it was impossible. Time and again I rejected help and the fact that our daughter agreed with the professionals, is recorded in the medical diary attached to the end of the book.
I now accept and understand why it is considered to be an impossible task to undertake on one's own. No one should feel guilty with having to place their LO in a NH, least of all daughters or sons. It does harm to their health and is of no help to their loved one. Anyone who reads my story will, or may understand
how it was I was capable of 'going it alone.'
It does not contain my complete personal story, suffice to say I came from a different background from most. As a kid I was emotionally barren, mean and nasty. Imagine, myself and two other kids I hung out with; 'we were nobodies children', we use to howl with laughter when we heard other kids, cry out: "Mammy, Daddy" as they received a good beating. It was a steep learning curve to understand Love, become attached and to protect the person who became the love of my life.
Those who take in a stray abused dog, will understand the true meaning of loyalty. We could learn a lot from dogs. Sorry to rabbit on. The download:
https://www.btcloud.bt.com/?shareObject=c4c1ce7b-47f1-41ac-a8bb-9ceab9ba96f3
My advice to you is to go with the flow. She will have no idea what is going on from my own experience of things and wherever possible distraction is the best form. I would use music and laughter wherever possible or go out for a drive. Its best not to argue as such as she just won't understand whats happening. I know how frustrating it is when the person you love is slipping away from you, right in front of your eyes. I can honestly say its the hardest thing I have had to deal with in all my life. Be as patient as you can be and when it gets to much then take time out (even if for 5 mins) take a deep breath and try again. I wish I could do more to help you. Hope this advice might be of use. Sending love and best wishes. Tish x
Go along with it
Yes, I've struggled with my wife's belief I am not her husband, we shouldn't be living together and wanting to go home (to where she lived 60 year ago)
Having passed the irritated/hurt/exasperated stage I now encourage the conversation by agreeing with her how precious her 'home' was, how good her parents were, how lucky we are to have each other for all these years, etc. It usually works and if it doesn't it does produce calm. I also say I will take her to her 'home' if she'd like but there won't be anyone she knows there, etc
Keeping calm and agreeable myself is not a thing I find easy but I'm working on it! As a previous person has said 'love to the issue, not the cure'
Yes, I've struggled with my wife's belief I am not her husband, we shouldn't be living together and wanting to go home (to where she lived 60 year ago)
Having passed the irritated/hurt/exasperated stage I now encourage the conversation by agreeing with her how precious her 'home' was, how good her parents were, how lucky we are to have each other for all these years, etc. It usually works and if it doesn't it does produce calm. I also say I will take her to her 'home' if she'd like but there won't be anyone she knows there, etc
Keeping calm and agreeable myself is not a thing I find easy but I'm working on it! As a previous person has said 'love to the issue, not the cure'
Hi Pamann, I get the wedding photo shown to me. Thats my husband who dumped me here. I used to say thats me but she would never accept it. As you say we are remembered as much younger. Now I just say that she looked very pretty and that is OK. It is upsetting though.
My father went through the same thing with my mum. My wife critised him for the way he treated my mum. Now I can understand what he went through and the criticisms were totally unfair to him. I expect there will be others talking about us who do not know what difficulties we have to handle.
Sad times
Had similiar thing with my FIL, kept telling MIL he was leaving to go back to the other woman, very upsetting, but when we spoke to him at length we suddenly realised the other woman, was the MIL he used to know and their first home, took us an age to make her realise what he was meaning. Think we need to remember that loved ones are remembering things as they used to be.
Radio Wednesday 4th March
Hi don't know if anyone can help with this, yesterday I fleetingly saw a link on TP that they were talking about Alzheimers on the radio, and I can't now find the link? can anyone help would like to find and listen to it if I can. Thanks
Hi don't know if anyone can help with this, yesterday I fleetingly saw a link on TP that they were talking about Alzheimers on the radio, and I can't now find the link? can anyone help would like to find and listen to it if I can. Thanks
Unfortunately there is no way to answer this question just keep on telling her the truthful answer this is how I cope with my husband when he sk this question or others in the same vien. I am fortunate that my husband is still a nice man but it still does not take the hurt away.
My Dad is going through the same thing.
Hi,
My Dad is having the same thing with my Mum. She has Vascular Dementia, and is going through a stage where she does not want my Dad to help her get ready for bed or washed and dressed. Every time he tries to help, she says he can't because he's not her husband. It's the same thing when he goes to bed at night. She tells him he can't sleep in that bed, because she doesn't know him. What we do now, is my sister and I put her to bed and my Dad stays downstairs and watches TV until she falls asleep, then he goes to bed.
Obviously this situation can't work for everyone, but it's how we cope now. She also asks if she can go home, but we distract her to stop her getting upset when we say she is home. She wants to go back home to her parents, and when we say that isn't possible, she gets upset. That's why we use the distraction technique. It doesn't always work, but most of the time it helps. I know it's hard. No-one ever prepares you for how hard it is. But I have found this website helpful, people posting their experiences and tips for coping. Reading it, I learned that although it feels like we're alone in going through this, there are people out there who know what it's like.
Hi,
My Dad is having the same thing with my Mum. She has Vascular Dementia, and is going through a stage where she does not want my Dad to help her get ready for bed or washed and dressed. Every time he tries to help, she says he can't because he's not her husband. It's the same thing when he goes to bed at night. She tells him he can't sleep in that bed, because she doesn't know him. What we do now, is my sister and I put her to bed and my Dad stays downstairs and watches TV until she falls asleep, then he goes to bed.
Obviously this situation can't work for everyone, but it's how we cope now. She also asks if she can go home, but we distract her to stop her getting upset when we say she is home. She wants to go back home to her parents, and when we say that isn't possible, she gets upset. That's why we use the distraction technique. It doesn't always work, but most of the time it helps. I know it's hard. No-one ever prepares you for how hard it is. But I have found this website helpful, people posting their experiences and tips for coping. Reading it, I learned that although it feels like we're alone in going through this, there are people out there who know what it's like.
gardenerb here. I had exactly that over Christmas and the New year. There was a lot of upheaval in our life as my Mum had just died. It just did not stod. Where is my Husband, I want to go home. I dealt with it and still do by keeping on showing her photos of us together. Kept them out with a post it stuck to it saying our names and husband and wife. I also had to keep taking her out to show her the name of the road and the door number. She did remember the address. It has now eased but no doubt will return. I so empathise with you, it was so hard. She still says she wants to take this and that when she goes home. In our case that now seems to be to live with her Mother. Not easy matey. Stick with it and good fortune.
i am so sorry that you are losing the person you love all you can do look after as best as you can be frustrated but never ever get angry, think how frightened and bewildered she must be so give her all the love and support that you can. my wife died of this evil filthy disease three years ago and at the end i was proud of the way i cared for my best friend.when it gets bad for you think of all the good things you have done together holidays etc it made me feel better so it may help you i hope so.good luck best wishes clive
