my wife wants to know how to contact her husband

[ASPIRE]

I still dont know what to say to my wife when she asks where is my husband \ and she wants to go home.
I have been speaking the truth saying I am your husband and this is your home and this is only making things worse it just goes on and on \ and then she walks out of the house and comes back this happens many times.
l would like to hear how other people deal with this please.
l dont have any family who l can talk to about this, Iam very glad that lve found this web site to help me.

Aspire

 

[rajahh]

My husband used to do exactly the same as your wife. I responded like you did at first but I learnt the hard way not to tell the truth.

Sometimes I used to go with him to find his home, and his wife, and when he gets lost and/or tired I persuade him to come back and stay with me just for tonight, then we will look for his wife in the morning.

This used to work very well.

Then I tell him his wife has gone away to look after a relative who is ill, and that she has asked me to look after him in my home.

This worked too sometimes.

Once he insisted he rang his wife, he looked up the number in his diary and of course dialled our home phone number so there was a message saying there was a problem ( not sure exactly what was said). In the end he asked me to ring his wife onmy mobile, which I did and handed him the mobile, and went into the hall and picked up the extension phone and pretended to be his wife!!!!

I told him I could not come just now, and that work was being done in the house so please would he stay with Jeannette( He recognises my name but says it is the same as his wife's). He said he missed me, and I said I loved him. Then when I came back into the room he told me what his wife had said!!!

I only did this once as I found it very hard.

You have to have a variety of excuses ready.

Now my husband is in a home and on Christmas Day he said to me I wish my wife would come and see me. I told him that I had met her, but she was not well enough to travel yet, but that she sent her love. That satisfied him .

It is not easy, and I have shed many tears about this but it has to be faced,.

I wish you well.

Jeannette

 

[sistermillicent]

My parents used to have this problem, mum insisted she was not married to dad and wanted to go home. At first showing her the wedding photos seemed to work but gradually it became impossible. Dad used to drive her to where she lived as a child and she would get out and knock on the door, the people there were very good about it.
In the end we tried saying that she was just staying at dad's house for tea or supper or dinner or whatever as it had been specially prepared, and we would hope she would move on to something else.

On some nights she refused to sleep in the same room as dad. Sometimes also it was as if she was just looking for something to be angry about and it just had to be got through.

It is very hard.

 

[snowygirl]

I still dont know what to say to my wife when she asks where is my husband \ and she wants to go home.
I have been speaking the truth saying I am your husband and this is your home and this is only making things worse it just goes on and on \ and then she walks out of the house and comes back this happens many times.
l would like to hear how other people deal with this please.
l dont have any family who l can talk to about this, Iam very glad that lve found this web site to help me.

Aspire

Hi Aspire Im new to this forum too but you are describing how my dad is acting right now. He was diagnosed about a month ago after suddenly declining. He thinks he has been taken somewhere and that mum is not his wife. He tells me this on the phone and when I'm with him. I tell him to look around and that he is home and the lady in the room is his wife but sometimes he just cant understand it. I'm not sure what is the best thing to do either as he too wants us to take him 'home'. Of course we cant do that and its sad to think he thinks he is in a strange place with a strange person who he doesn't like. I'm not sure what the answer is so I'm interested in your replies and wanted you to know that others seem to experience this too.

 

[clareglen]

It must be awful with a spouse. My mother sometimes thinks I'm her mother and also she doesn't think she's at home even though 'the cupboards and carpets are the same as at home'. I'm afraid I can't play along yet. Sometimes I distract & change the subject but other times I say 'am I looking that old today' or tell her she is at home. I think changing the subject is the best thing for me at the moment. One time she said 'oh I'm at home what a relief'. It was a brief interlude. It must be awful to think they're not at home but it's awful for us carers too.

 

[kd7279]

Hi Aspire,
I had the same problems with my wife when she was at home. When she got agitated and "wanted to go home" I would take her for a short walk around our estate (housing, not stately!) and by the time we got home via a circular route, she had forgotten where we were going.
As she became less mobile, I would take her "home" in the car, letting her navigate as "I didn't know the address". I would once again drive in a circular route until the end of our road, which she would recognise and be happy.
Now, she is in a nursing home and when she asks to go home, I tell her that as soon as the doctor says she is OK she can go home.
I know it's all a big lie, but as long as they are contented, that's all that matters.
Keith

 

[Scarlett123]

At one time I was adamant that I had to tell my husband the truth about everything. Slowly, I came to terms with the fact that there are

(a) real lies

(b) white lies

(c) Alzheimer's lies

If a friend asks you if you like their new hairdo, and they are smiling, then even if you hate it, you say it looks great and it's only a white lie. Your friend obviously loves it, you love your friend and you don't want to upset her.

If your spouse has Alzheimer's, and insists that black is white, it's far better to say something like "you're probably right", than to insist that they're totally wrong. John often asks what time we're getting the plane/coach/train to go "home", and I say "oh, much later - I'll let you know".

I find it's easier all round if I tell Alzheimer's lies, as the truth is just too brutal for either of us to cope with.

 

[Padraig]

When my late wife wanted to 'go home' I was lucky as I knew her from the age of 18. Her childhood home was my very first introduction to family life. Though her family were poor in a material sense, 'her home' had the most rich warm, loving and welcome atmosphere.

Those fond memories remained with me throughout our 52 years of marriage. So when she wanted to 'go home' I took her hand and we set off. All the while we chatted about the 'square'; an area of terraced houses of two up two down, the school she attended, the 'beck' were she played chucking stones. Unaware and unnoticed I changed the conversation and direction as she tired and made our way home.
Once she took off on foot to make her way home to Co. Durham! When I was notified that she was walking along the edge of the highway, I went after her in our car. With the window wound down: "Where are you making for?" I asked. "Home" came the reply.
"Where's home?" Her reply astounded me, she reeled off the full address including the number of the house. The whole area had been demolished some thirty years earlier!

I offered her a lift home and as we drive around we chatted of happy time when she first met her husband. Of course I was not her husband in her eyes, he was a much younger man. Strange as it may seem I now miss those special caring days, and have very few regrets of going it alone and managing AD in my own way.

'Going home' was just one of the pieces of the jigsaw I learned to fit into the bigger picture. I was one very lucky person to have shared the whole journey with her. The problem now is I wish to share our story in the hope it will benefit others.
Am I wasting my time?

 

[Pookie]

No your not wasting time.Write it all down and share your feelings. Your lives sound rich.

Peter&Jean Pookie

 

[joulibouli]

Definitley not wasting your time, Aspire. Myself & many others who are new to this AD journey scoure these pages daily to find morsels of information to help us & our loved ones along the path it's like learning a new language to me. Most of what you expect your life to be has gone out of the window & you have to start a new way of life love communication etc. I help my mum care for my dad who has AD. Thank you for your help.

 

[Scarlett123]

The joy of TP is reading about the experiences of others, and how they have, or haven't coped. Sometimes I read someone elses point of view and think "I wouldn't do that".

Then, I read the thread again and think to myself that some of the views or solutions mentioned, are worth a try. And they work. It's true that we might feel differently to other carers but we're just different. Not better or worse, but trying to care for our loved ones as best we can.

I, for one, would love to read about the journeys that other carers have made. I may be impressed, I may not, but I would have acquired more knowledge than I had before, so write away, those of you that want to share your stories.

 

[Serato]

This is a copied post from the thread (next), which contains many other useful suggestions and examples of the situation.
Good luck.


http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?65827-Has-anyone-else-experienced-this

Walking to shops, hand in hand with OH, having woken up in same bed, helped in shower, get dressed, (Assume my name is Robert)

What day is it today?
Thursday.
What date?
16th.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Thanks, but it isn't my birthday today.
Oh, when is your birthday?
24th.
That's strange. That's the same date as Robert. Where were you born?
Watford.
Gosh, I wonder if you are twins, has anybody ever asked you?
Who am I?
Dad.
Who is Robert?
My husband.
Where is he?
I don't know I haven't seen him for ages.
SATURDAY (above was Thursday)

Oh, did I tell you, I met someone called Robert the other day.
No what happened
What's you name?
Robert Easton
That's odd, so was his. Do you think you'd like to meet him? He lives around here.
No, I don't think so, sounds confusing.
Yes, it is all rather strange.

 

[clareglen]

The problem now is I wish to share our story in the hope it will benefit others.
Am I wasting my time?

Definitely not. It's interesting to read how others cope/ed. It helps me just reading this forum.

 

[Padraig]

To explain how I was capable of coping on my own, especially when all the experts predicted my wife's demise I realise would take a book. As a result I've just finished it, but for an additional picture and redacting my address and phone number from the medical records, it is ready.
The pictures are taken from clips of a video I made and Include them as they speak for themselves. Our story is not only about Alzheimer's but of our backgrounds. Some may consider it a love story, but I leave it for others to judge. For those who wish to read it, I'm only too happy to forward it free by email for download.

I attach two of the pictures from contained in the book.
Picture 1, My wife in the NH. Three months later she became bedridden and on the first of April 2003 I took her home, as I thought to die with me by her side.
Picture 2 In my care speaks for its self.

 

[loveahug]

Padraig there cannot be a single member who has failed to be hugely moved by all your posts. A picture paints a thousand words and, my goodness, these two prove it. How wonderful that your wife had you to fight for her, and to love and care for her to the end. I know you are not well yourself now and pray that your guardian angel takes the greatest of care of you x

 

[tomgee3425]

At one time I was adamant that I had to tell my husband the truth about everything. Slowly, I came to terms with the fact that there are

(a) real lies

(b) white lies

(c) Alzheimer's lies

If a friend asks you if you like their new hairdo, and they are smiling, then even if you hate it, you say it looks great and it's only a white lie. Your friend obviously loves it, you love your friend and you don't want to upset her.

If your spouse has Alzheimer's, and insists that black is white, it's far better to say something like "you're probably right", than to insist that they're totally wrong. John often asks what time we're getting the plane/coach/train to go "home", and I say "oh, much later - I'll let you know".

I find it's easier all round if I tell Alzheimer's lies, as the truth is just too brutal for either of us to cope with.

I often am forced to tell white lies or say yes I know particularly when Anne cannot express herself. I also play the guessing game when she can't remember people's names. Sometimes it works and other times she lapses into silence. I'll keep battling

 

[copsham]

Am I wasting my time?[/QUOTE]

I really benefit from reading how other people cope. I am so impressed in the way you kindly dealt with such a difficult situation.

My mother has just started to not recognise me, thinks I am a care worker. Tells me her daughter is too busy to visit!!!

It feels that reading your post and all of the others helps prepare me mentally to give a kindly response. So please keep posting Thank you

 

[Padraig]

It's very kind of you to mention that my posts are of some benefit. The problem I find is that some of my posts are out of context with the whole of my story.

At long last the final touches to the story are almost complete. The cover is better than I anticipated. Fortunately our son is an arts teacher and I explained that I wished to have a picture of my wife in her teens superimposed with one of her ravished with Alzheimer's. He came up with something even better. The back cover is also complete. I'm informed that it will be finished with-in the week.
Before publishing I'm more than happy to provide a copy to anyone who wishes to read it. I'm sure many will find it thought provoking as my views of life and society were not fashioned in a conventional sense.
My approach to confronting the stranger Alzheimer's in our marriage, was much the same as the many challenges life sprung upon me. With out a family or friend to turn to I lived life my way. To this day I have no friend except our son and daughter, the finest gifts my beloved wife brought into the world.
Copham,
Your Mother will not recognise you nor the person she sees in the mirror. Like a box of tissues, the first memories in, are the last out. In spite of what many people might tell you, it is my experience that there are many ways to connect right up to the very end. Once again my posts are too long hence a book is the answer.

 

[Tabby]

Your book

Padraig, I'd love to read your book. Will you be publishing it? Can we buy it?

 

[Padraig]

Tabby,

I've just received an email from our son informing me that he has ordered the first copy of the book for me to review. He promises to have it for me by the weekend. I've asked him to send me a downloaded copy to check in the meanwhile.

When I receive the download I'll be more than happy to offer a free copy to as many people on this site that wish to read it. When I receive, check and approve the sample copy of the book I'll proceed with its publishing.
I've little interest in making money from it. The purpose is to give an insight to the whole system of treatment and care for AD through the eyes of one disillusioned carer who chose to go it alone in his way.
The pictures and the many attached pages of medical notes sum up the story in themselves.
I'm no one special, but many 'experts' might do well to read it.