My First Christmas without Alan

[Mameeskye]

Helen

If you are with friends and family you do not have to be strong for them. You can cry. It will be alright, then start to share the happy memories and at some point you will find that you smile again. The firsts of everything are upsetting but there will be hope, life and joy again, but now if you need to cry let the tears flow.

(((hugs)))

Love

Mameeskye

 

[elaine n]

Oh Helen what a difficult time of year this is! we try to do/be what everyone wants of us to make them feel better I think and it all takes it's toll on us. I love Christmas but the strain of 'doing it' this year is enormous - as it is for you. I hope you have some time when you can just 'be' and allow yourself to just feel what you feel without having to worry about other people's feelings, lots of love and hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxe

 

[larivy]

thinking of you Helen we are lighting lanterns tomorrow night like we did at orange tree i will be sending one for everyone on TP like we did then (hopefully we will miss the telephone wires) love larivy

 

[florence43]

Dear Helen,

I couldn't go to bed without replying to your thread. Firstly I wanted to say that I wish I knew what words to write, so forgive me if they're jumbled. Like you, I'm going to write what I feel, and here goes...

As I clicked on your thread and read about your sadness...I looked across at my Dan, sitting on the sofa next to me. Oblivious as he was, I imagined losing him and I nearly let out a sob. The sort of sob that makes a noise you don't even recognise. Just for that moment I felt the pain of life without him. Then, for that moment, I understood more than I have before.

Dan's only 37, (don't worry, I'm only 39! Otherwise he sounds like a proper toy-boy, when he's really only a minor one!), and I intend to have many many years with him, but he proposed to me when he was 21...naturally I said yes! He was the one. A long life ahead of us. But because of you, and so many others here, I have learnt a lot more than how to cope with dementia. I've learnt so much about not taking my husband for granted.

Thank you for being such a wonderful wife, and woman, and friend. You are entitled to cry today, and any day. Because you are immensely strong, tears won't dent your armour, they'll just let the air in.

Now dry those tears, Helen, smile and get on with sorting out the turkey...mmmmm? . Someone's got to do it!

Lots of love, and thinking of you tomorrow. I just know it won't be as bad as you may be thinking. x x x x x x

 

[hazytron]

Helen Have just caught up this thread and I can well imagine how your emotions are running riot. This time of year is difficult, especially for the vulnerable, but I hope you can gain comfort from all of us here and from your family and friends around you.

HUGS

Hazel

 

[sistermillicent]

Dear Helen,
I am hoping that you are just you today and have the freedom to feel what you feel.
I think if you know you can come back on here tonight and pour it all out to others who have had the same kind of day of sadness then it might help you through.

with love
Pippa

 

[Brucie]

Hi Helen

Best wishes for today and the forthcoming days.

A very strange time for so many of us, and, sadly, for yet more people in future.

Best wishes to everyone at TP for Christmas and for 2011 and beyond.

 

[susiesue]

Hi Helen

I know exactly how you feel - it's so painful, isn't it!!!!

I sat with the kids at the Panto yesterday and thought about David coming with us last year - can't believe a year later he's dead!

I do hope you are feeling better today - I find it comes in waves of misery and then goes away for a while.

Thinking of you and you know where I am if you fancy a grizzle.

Love

 

[Helen33]

I really need to tell you all

I decided to resurrect this thread because I am still struggling with re-experiencing what I experienced this time last year. For once I don't know how to explain what I am going through properly. As you all know I am fortunate to have many very happy times and those times are truly wonderful.

Christmas was the beginning of a change in me. It seems like I am experiencing an 'echo' of events and feelings of last year. Some of you will remember that I often worried about exhibiting signs of dementia myself and these signs have returned Another demonstration of a carbon copy of last year. In t'ai chi last night I could not retain any information whatsoever and I was quite shocked by the severity of what I was going through. If I had been asked to do a memory test last night I would have scored zero I am sure that I do not have dementia but that I am re-experiencing the effects of the high levels of stress that I had this time last year. There are no reasons for me to experience stress at this part of my life as I make it a good and wholesome life. I am sure it is a kind of memory of last year.

I don't expect answers but I did need to talk to you all. I am so aware that you are all up to your eyes in your care roles and it is very difficult to post once the one you care for has died.

Love

 

[sistermillicent]

How could someone not answer having read this? I, for one amd very glad you have posted and resurrected this thread.

You are taking a very sensible attitude to the symptoms you have and I am sure you are right that it is stress because of the time of year and all that it brings up for you. I can only sympathise, and say that I sincerely hope this passes soon, and that I know you will be helped by all the lovely people here who care about you.

Would it help to take a few days off from trying to do normal things and look after yourself as if you had a bit of flu? Lots of resting on the bed and some gentle TV or re reading a book?

Sending love

Pippa x

 

[Izzy]

Good advice from Pippa I think Helen. I think when you youhave cared for someone with dementia you become hypeke r-sensitive to symptoms. I do understand though that it sounds like you are re-experiencing the stress from last year. Take care Helen - it must be near your London jaunt. Something to look forward to and friends who have or are experiencing lots of what you have experienced. xx

 

[sad nell]

Helen hope telling us has helped, It always helps me to have you there. sending my love Pam

 

[Helen33]

Thank you Pippa. I haven't seen you around for a few days. Have you been away?

I do take plenty of time for myself and live quite a well balanced life. I am as well able to relax as exercise. I have a very easy week work-wise.

It is such a relief that you are able to respond. When I tell people that I am struggling they don't seem to be able to comprehend it. I told the t'ai chi master last night that I was struggling and I could see from his eyes and expressions that he just could not understand that I was struggling. He kept telling me that I was doing well but I knew that I was not and I told him it was because I was copying him but when left alone, without anyone to copy, I couldn't remember a single thing. Thanks Izzy and Pam. Pam it is hard to try and put it into words.

 

[florence43]

Dear Helen,

I've been through that. please don't worry. I couldn't get anyone to understand what I meant or what I felt, so maybe it's not common to everyone under stress, but I went through something very similar last summer.

Short version is that the time approaching, and surrounding the 1st anniversary of the terminal diagnosis for my dad, (June 27th, a Saturday, after lunch, at his bedside, 2 days after Michael Jackson died...need I go on?!!), I felt the exact same feelings of confusion, disbelief, sadness and trauma that I experienced at the time. All sorts of stimulus brought it on...the weather, the smell of barbeques, the tv schedules (the start of X-Factor), the school timetables, the sounds in the air...it was shocking how I felt like time hadn't had moved on. Yet the actual anniversary of his death wasn't as intense. I was dreading that, and was prepared, but hadn't been prepared for the feelings of deja-vu and how they'd affect me in the 16 weeks run-up.

When I think back, I have complete blanks in my memory. Friends tell me of conversations we'd had during that period, and I don't recall them at all. I was numb for 4 months and life had stopped for me. All actions were mechanical, all phone-calls were feared and all visits with dad were surreal.

And because trauma touches us all in different ways, I think your reasoning for this recent concern is more than plausible. The word "echo" is spot on, both metaphorically and literally. The first time was screaming, and the "echo" a little fainter. I suppose one day, it may die down to a background noise or even silence. But all the "firsts" are the painful ones.

But, you're not alone, and I'm so glad you shared. You know how very many friends you have here, and I'm full of admiration & respect for you. Always have been.

If there's anything I can do...you know exactly where I am.

Sleep tight tonight. It's not happening again, tell yourself. It's the echo. Close your eyes, close your ears and sleep tight.

Lots of love,

 

[maryw]

Helen, I remember experiencing the "echo" as well. It is a relief when it is all behind you... I remember it feeling like a massive build-up at the time and such a relief for the day to go. As Florence says, it is only that, an echo and it loses its power in time xx

 

[sistermillicent]

Helen, I took a complete break from all things dementia related because the opportunity arose unexpectedly, rather selfish but had to have a little focus on me to sort out how to manage the next year. Back in the fray now though. x

 

[Helen33]

Thanks Annie and Mary. I know it will pass but it is more important for me to connect with you all whilst I am in it rather than when it has passed. It is so easy to disappear from TP once the one you are caring for has died. It is somehow much harder to communicate about oneself.

Love

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Helen

I hope the responses you`ve had from those who have had similar experiences of this `echo` have been a comfort to you.

Although I have never experienced this particular `echo` I would like to echo the sentiments expressed by Pam.

It always helps me to have you there.

Love xx

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello Helen:
I hope it has helped to share your feelings and get such understanding responses.

My thoughts are with you as they were this time last year - to be re experiencing it must be very very difficult. I think the so called memory loss is more to do with nature telling your body to 'shut down' a little.

I want to help but not sure how; what about re reading some Soul Stories?

Take care Love

 

[florence43]

Oh Helen,

I hope you do know it will pass. This temporary suspension of real life, and the confusion and side-affects that it brings. It's a backlash of time-before, so please be reassured that there will be many of us who have felt it. That's the first point,(keeping it short!!!). Secondly, you are still such an important part of this forum, for me, rather selfishly, because you are calm, articulate, strong and caring, but much more importantly because dementia has not left your life just because Alan, sadly, has.

This is a forum full of friends, love and support relating to dementia. You may not need to ask questions about the illness anymore, you may not need to post threads on the progress anymore, but you are at a stage of its very existence that still keeps you here. The members of TP know you, understand you, care for you and know more about what you went through and how you felt than probably anyone else in your life. These very people are the ones you must turn to now and for as long as you need us.

Please post any time you need to talk. You still need to vent, moan, share, and receive, so please don't think your only role is that of an advisor, as someone who's been there. Helen, you're still there.

And so are we...