My First Christmas without Alan

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Helen33, Dec 24, 2010.

  1. Helen33

    Helen33 Registered User

    Jul 20, 2008
    I thought I would be alright. I was ill last Christmas and I am not on top form this Christmas. I have had loads of phone calls from friends saying that they are thinking of me and offering all kinds of invitations but I just can't accept. I seem to be feeling the same kind of pressure that I had last year when Alan was here. It has hit me today all of a sudden. I think I am re-experiencing what happened last year:eek: I could just sit and cry but don't want to. I have a friend coming round at 5pm and we will go to my d-i-law for a small Christmas celebration. I feel under enormous pressure to be alright for them all.

    Last year is a blank - I only remember that Alan walked 5 miles on Boxing Day. I don't remember events but I do remember feeling like I do today:eek:

    I will do my best that's all I can do. I hope it passes. Already I can't wait to be back home (and I haven't gone out yet) and back on the computer to you all on TP.

  2. Linda Mc

    Linda Mc Registered User

    Jul 3, 2005
    Nr Mold
    Dear Helen

    Sending you the biggest hug!

  3. piedwarbler

    piedwarbler Registered User

    Aug 3, 2010
    South Ribble
    Dear Helen, wishing you a sense of serenity & peace to get through this, if I were your d-i-l I'd understand how you were & look after you.
    Big hug
    Pied xx
  4. Necion

    Necion Registered User

    Helen, I can't imagine how difficult this is for you, never having been there. When my BIL died a few years ago, I saw my sister go through the same, all we could do was try to understand and accept she knew what she had to do to get through.
    I'm sure your family will understand it's an emotional time for you all, you probably all need to lean on each other for strength.
    Wishing you comfort as you share your memories of your dear Alan.

    Love, Necion. x
  5. maryw

    maryw Registered User

    Nov 16, 2008
    Dear Helen, The first Christmas is a blur and, if you have someone close to you decline or die around that time, then the very season becomes tinged with those memories. I think you do "relive" the decline so sharply, and nothing can change that period around the first anniversary. I too remember last year feeling much the same way as you do this year, and I also remember everyone being understanding. This year still brings back memories but I am living with them better. It all takes time. Doing your best is more than enough. I hope you also spend time to rest and relax and recover xxx
  6. sallyc

    sallyc Registered User

    Aug 20, 2008
    Oh Helen. You give so much support to all of us. I hope we can be of some use to you this time. Try not to feel pressured into being happy when you're not. Maybe just allow yourself to feel, do a while, just however you feel. You might find, if you're not putting yourself under so much pressure to "perform", that you actually manage to enjoy little bits of it. I hope so. I'll be thinking of you all the way.
  7. jimbo 111

    jimbo 111 Registered User

    Jan 23, 2009
    North Bucks
    I share your sorrow

    I know my message will not bring you any more comfort,but I can share your sorrow .Like you in the past year I have lost my dear wife after sixty years of marriage
    I did not imagine how hard it could be
    Friends and family all mean well and I feel ungrateful when I say I want to be on my own (when I really mean I want to be on my own to share my thoughts only with my lost love)
    I am told that this hurt will overtime be less , but at this timeI cannot imagine how.
    The snow is very thick here ,but this morning I got to the cemetery with some flowers, I felt upset while I was there but I now feel more at ease for having done so.
    My thoughts will be with you over this Xmas ,and all other peope who have lost their loved ones in the past year
    God Bless
  8. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    In a way thats good as it will keep you on top. You always do your best and more. Try to relax though with the friends around you and here on TP.
  9. sussexsue

    sussexsue Registered User

    Jun 10, 2009
    West Sussex
    I cant offer you any words of comfort, because I cannot imagine what it must feel like to lose your partner. It is still such early days, but so hard when you know you want to try and be happy for everyone around you.

  10. Mo_N

    Mo_N Registered User

    Oct 29, 2009
    South East Essex
    Sending you the biggest Christmas hug I can muster Helen.

  11. Jancis

    Jancis Registered User

    Jun 30, 2010
    Dear Helen,
    So sorry to hear how sad you feel. I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the help and support you have given me since I joined TP earlier this year. Wishing you peace and lots of love. Jancis xxxxxxxx
  12. Helen33

    Helen33 Registered User

    Jul 20, 2008
    Well you have all managed to get the tears rolling. I will look such a mess at Janet's tonight. Puffy eyed and mascara streaks!!

    The thing with me is that I have to be real. I really needed to tell someone how I felt and be allowed to feel it. Once I've said it I can sometimes feel much better. Each and every one of your replies has touched me deeply and I thank each one of you. There are not many places and certainly not many people that can cope when I say I am sad, ill or upset. I see the look of terror in their eyes. I am so grateful that I can be myself here and that you are not all terrified that I am going to completely collapse!! It has just taken me by surprise and I feel so very alone and vulnerable even though I am surrounded by people who love and care for me very much:eek:

    I keep hearing me saying "dementia won't have the victory in this home" and I still stand by that. It is just a blip and I will get back up and walk on with head held high - just need a couple of days.

    Love to you all and thanks
  13. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    North East
    Dear Helen

    I'm sure your family won't expect you to be on top form - they will all know what you've been through, and they will just want you to know that they care a lot about you.

    Thinking of you

    Libs x
  14. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    East Midlands
    Dear Helen,

    You've been in my thoughts a lot recently..the year has flown by and so many things have changed for so many of us here on TP.

    It's good that you'll be with people who know and understand you tonight. Take comfort in that and let the tears fall if they need to fall.

    Sending you love and a hug..and a wish for some peace and strength to see you through the coming days and weeks.

    Love xx
  15. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    Wigan, Lancs
    I know what you mean Helen, everyone willing you to be alright, and not sure how to cope when you say actually I'm not alright.

    Thinking of you Helen.
  16. danny

    danny Registered User

    Helen,I have thought about you alot over the last twelve months.

    After you have shed a tear for what was,raise your glass to what is yet to come.

    I will raise a glass to you this evening Helen.

    Thinking of you, Angela.
  17. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Helen

    Try not to feel too responsible for making life good for the people around you. It`s OK to put yourself first once in a while.

    Feelings can`t always be explained, but a first Christmas for you without Alan is as good a reason as any could be for feeling as you do.

    I hope this evening is not as pressured as you feared.

    Love xx
  18. sad nell

    sad nell Registered User

    Helen , my dear have thought about how hard this time must be for you, I know you put such a positive face on to us all, and that people are just drawn towards you and being in your company is a delight, But you are allowed to have these feelings without feeling that you are letting others down, I Am raising a glass to you and all the other amazing people on TP, and feel so lucky to know you. Happy Christmas lots of love from Trev And Pam
  19. grove

    grove Registered User

    Aug 24, 2010
    North Yorkshire
    Dear Helen, Sorry not able to give any advice but am thinking of you & am grateful for the support you have given me so far

    Take Care

    Love & a BIG HUG Love from Grove x x x
  20. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I will always remember 'Alan walked 5 miles on Boxing Day'. Thinking of you and sending love. xx

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