Mums and Christmas Cheer!

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by alex, Dec 3, 2006.

  1. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hi everyone

    My heads not very clear at the moment so i just thought i'd have a moan and in the meantime, i'd be grateful for any suggestions.

    My mum is 76, she does not have AD, however she does have cancer, the problem is that since Ray died she seems to be suffering from depression, she's very weepy............i've tried to get her to go to the doctors but she won't go. She lives with my dad, so she's not on her own.

    I take her food shopping every week and shopping shopping every other week, i take her to hospital and doctors appointments, infact, anywhere she needs to go, i take her!........before Ray died i used to take her on holiday every year and i would take her for a night out at least once a week.

    Since Ray died, i don't want to go out (going to the same places just brings back memories) so our nights out have stopped............she's been moaning at me since Ray died, saying i've changed, i'm not the same person, i don't care about anything anymore, i don't visit as often etc, etc...........she keeps crying and saying how much she misses him........and to be honest, i can't handle it!

    She's right, i have changed.........and maybe she's right and i don't care about anything anymore and i don't visit as much as i did because i can't handle anyone elses grief at the moment...........i know that sounds selfish, but its how i feel!

    My son keeps saying 'she won't be here forever, so make the most of her while you can' and i know that...... but bl**dy doesn't help!

    I went on holiday last week and when i told her i was going, she went in the huff...........o.k. so i didn't tell her til the last minute, because i knew she'd moan about me going away, and i didn't phone her when i was away cos she made it clear she wasn't speaking to me, so what was the point of phoning?

    So she's not speaking to me and when i rang her today to arrange a time for shopping she said she doesn't want to go shopping with me ever again, i'm selfish, inconsiderate and unsympathetic!

    At this point i should mention that i have 2 sisters who visit once in a blue moon and would never dream of taking her anywhere and i have a brother who makes his once yearly appearance on christmas day...........i know from experience that this huff will last for months and i really don't need the hassle, christmas is going to be bad enough, but i know that she'll wait until xmas morning to have a, normally i'm a very placid, patient person, but not lately and certainly not on christmas day!................and i just know that when she starts, i'm gonna explode ........and i don't want that to happen!

    There is no point in me apologizing for being the way i am as i don't want to change..............i don't want to visit more often because there's a lot of memories there, (maybe i should be further forward than i am, but i still find memories very painful) my mum talks about him constantly and cries and i don't want to face that either............ so i don't quite know what to do!:confused:

    Maybe this just seems worse because its Christmas!:(
    Anyone wanna part-ex a mum?:rolleyes:

    Love Alex x
  2. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    Hi Alex,

    I hope you're feeling a bit better now.
    Sorry I have no suggestions but I just wanted to say I understand this completely. My Dad has been in his Home for over two years now and Mum puts on a brave face most of the time but sometimes she is very low. Quite natural, I know, but when it coincides with my feeling low too I sort of switch off and don't want to go and see her as much - just when she needs me! :eek: Then when I feel ok, in comes the guilt. :eek:
    Undoubtably! I find it really difficult to be happy and jolly when it's expected of me. :p ;)

    Best wishes,
  3. angela.robinson

    angela.robinson Registered User

    Dec 27, 2004
    HI ALEX . poor mum , she is ill .also missing a much loved son in law and missing the constant attention you have lavished on her , but she is not understanding that of course you are changed and not the person you was , well not at the moment , its still very raw for you , and you are still grieving .if you have to explode , save it for siblings who should be there for mum and you ,christmas looming ,not great , it is the second one for me , and seems harder this time round , not so many plans to occupy me ,daughter will not be home from spain this year so no tree and such to do , be kind to yourself alex ,still one day at a time ,i dont believe you are selfish because i read the responses you give on tp , you are full of compassion for others who are suffering ,any way you have this big TP party to look foward to . i am following all the high jinks you have planned .ANGELA.X
  4. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi Al

    Thats just not true hinney....your a very caring person:)

    The trouble is its very hard coping with your own grief.....and to be constantly reminded of others grief is very hard to deal lost the love of your life,your soulmate,and coping with that is more than enough to bear....

    You're being very hard on yourself,Al........its not even 6 months since Ray died.....still very early days.....but take comfort in the fact that you have done so well since're a gutsy lady;)

    I'm sure Christmas has a lot to do with how you're feeling.....its a time for reflection which is not what you necessarily need right now!!!

    You know you've got all your friends here on TP.....we understand what you're going through

    love xx
  5. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    Hi Alex

    Sorry things are so difficult. I agree with Mel though - you ARE a caring person - or you wouldn't have been able to give so much support to me over the last months. It's desperately difficult to cope with someone else's grief when you can barely cope with your own. I'm sure xmas makes everything more difficult as well.

    Yep ...... I reckon that's about the most unhelpful 'helpful thing' that anyone can say :) My cousin used to say it to me when I couldn't face dad anymore. It was kindly meant and I'm sure had the interests of both me and dad at heart (and I guess your son intends this too) but it did nothing but set the guilt monster on me.

    You're a kind person ....... be kind to yourself! Go see your mum when you feel up to it and give yourself a break otherwise. Worst thing is to NOT go and then feel guilty ..... that doesn't achieve anything.

  6. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hiya Girls

    Thank you so much for the kind know something?.......i'm so glad i found tp, i've met such a lot of lovely people here .......and yes, it helps get through the bad days.

    Well for starters Angela, i've been keeping a table for you at the tp bash............and as far as Christmas night goes...........why not make a date and come on tp?..........i know there will be a few others here and i'm making plans to break free of the family and spend a couple of hours on tp (my chilling time!) why not join us?........that way you'll be telling the truth when you say you've spent xmas night with friends!.......pour yourself a xmas brandy....or there might even be some of maria's mulled wine left!........we'll have a giggle and no doubt share a few tears, but whatever happens you'll be in good company!

    Anyway, i'm sure i'll get sorted eventually...........but thanks again girls for all your help.

    Love Alex x
  7. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    Gosh yes a few tears or what and in good company :) get that music pumping as we dance together to get that anger out :cool: all part of Grieving , I felt like that also , I could never face those memories also Alex, just know where you’re coming from , if you don't mind me saying
  8. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Don't take this the wrong way Alex, but when your son says "she won't be here forever" don't you feel the tiniest inclination to say "And thank God for that"? Sorry, but laying her own grief on top of you is really too bad. While I can see some virtue in "mingling your tears" at some point it becomes counter-productive. I think you're right, she does sound depressed which is understandable, but if she refuses to see a doctor then you have every right to withdraw from the situation. What does your Dad do or say about all this?

    Let's face it, it's a pretty unusual adult child who a) takes her mother on holiday every year and b) takes her out for an evening once a week. Frankly, you get my vote for sainthood for all you've done before. Now it's YOUR turn to take care of yourself.


  9. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    hello alex

    i also do everything for my mother, but even then its not enough, my brother who lives local does his own thing im the one who's left feeling guilty if i even think about doing anything for myself, i think the more you do the more they expect, you need this time to grieve dont let anybody take it away from you,
    thinking of you x

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