Mum’s first night in a care home

[norahmc]

Hi, my brother and I have been caring for our mum, at home, for 5 1/2 years, since our dad died. While dad was alive we were not aware of the extent of her issues as he picked up the slack himself. She was subsequently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. We have been able to keep her at home, with the support of carers but the time has come for her to move into care. She was spending too much time alone, becoming unsafe and declining. On the surface, mum presents as quite able and is physically reasonably fit. She doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with her. We found a lovely care home, very near to where I live and mum moved yesterday. We were a bit vague about the move saying that it might be for six months as we didn’t want to distress her and her concept of time is poor now. She has lived in the family home for fifty years. She is a self-founder. The move went fairly smoothly and although it felt awful leaving her there, it wasn’t too bad. This morning she rang me at 6 am saying she wanted to go home. She had no idea what the time was and told me that all the others were in the pub and coming back ****** I will be going in to see her later but am dreading it now. Sorry for the long post but I suppose I am looking for advice on how to handle the situation - and also reassurance. I know it’s early days and we can’t bring her back home but what if she doesn’t settle……….

 

[Sarasa]

Welcome to Dementia Support Forum @norahmc .
Wanting to go home when moving into care is very common. First of all don’t panic, it’ll take time for your mum to get used to the routine of the place and for the staff to get to know her.
when you visit today talk to the carers about how to help your mum settle. It sounds a bit counter intuitive but sometimes not visiting for a few days so your mum can focus on getting help from the staff might help.
I’d keep up with the idea that she is there to build up her strength or something similar rather than anything to do with needing more help. Your mum probably thinks she is fine, so come up with an excuse that will make sense to her.
Finally you’ve come to the right place for help and support as the two of you get used to the new arrangements. I’m sure others will be along shortly with their tips and suggestions,

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @norahmc

Your mum is bound to be confused and it will take a while for her to settle. Give her time and ask the carers how she is. Also try to get the phone disabled.

All you can do is make any excuse appropriate to her experiences; the doctor wants to build up her strength, something`s wrong with the house, etc. These untruths are acceptable if they calm your mother.

 

[MaNaAk]

Hello @norahmc

Your mum is bound to be confused and it will take a while for her to settle. Give her time and ask the carers how she is. Also try to get the phone disabled.

All you can do is make any excuse appropriate to her experiences; the doctor wants to build up her strength, something`s wrong with the house, etc. These untruths are acceptable if they calm your mother.

I agree with @Grannie G. Dad never had a phone when he went into the home and also I was advised not to visit dad for the first couple of weeks to allow him to settle. Do you two have other relatives because I was advised to let other relatives visit so that dad didn't feel alone?

Hugs

MaNaAk

PS: I remember when I left dad at the home for the first time so my heart goes out to you all.

 

[sdmhred]

Mum took only a couple of weeks to stop wanting to ‘go home’…..I actually found when I visited I was able to distract her successfully but each person is different and it depends on your own distress levels with it all.

There is a lady in mum’s home who has been there since 2019…..every evening she is asking when she is going home…..and can never be distracted…..it’s wearing but she’s not distressed and is quite settled…

Dig deep and make sure u look after yourself, but u will get there xxxxx

 

[yoy]

It is very commom. My mum wanted to go home (she wanted to "go home" when she was at home) for quite a while. Even now, after a year, she thinks she is only there temporarily and is waiting to go somewhere else. But she is settled, and has made a friend, and joins in with activities etc as best she can, so I think she is ok and it's the dementia talking.
Over recent months two other ladies have moved in, and one of them always used to ask me if I knew the way to x town (presumably where she lived) whilst walking the corridor constantly - she now seems settled and never asks. The other is more recent, she often used to be sat in the corridor with her bags packed waiting for her family to come and collect her, she's doing that less now.
Just give it time.

 

[norahmc]

Thank you so much for all the reassurance. My head knows we have done the right thing but my heart hurts! We have taken the phone away for now are offering vague reasons about the roof needing to be fixed on her house. Hopefully, things will settle down.