1. oonaghw

    oonaghw Registered User

    Dec 4, 2005
    isle of man
    mothers day

    Dear Kathleen and all

    What a great idea you had - making your own card. The reversal of role is one thats hard to handle - but thats just what it is. Having a mum to love is a great and in the circumstances hard and painful thing to endure but the care and Love you are displaying makes her a special person.

    Your message has helped me

    Oonagh :)
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Well how was your Mother's Day?

    Hiya all, strange no-one has said how their day went. As a mum, mine was good, as a daughter it was sad. Sunday afternoon two of the boys and I went to see mum. She was fast asleep. Left her for an hour, (boys went and watched a video in her room) and I sat holding her hand. Managed to rouse her slightly to get her to take a drink, but she then dozed off again. My husband arrived an hour later and she pulled round enough to get her into a wheelchair and we went to sit in the conservatory. Did she see the flowers I had taken? I don't know. She started coughing when I gave her a chocolate, so I thought "Oh God, I'm choking her now." I visited yesterday lunchtime and again though awake she seemed tired.How many years have we been thinking "is this the last one?" Do I want it to be the last one? Will I then feel guilty that I didn't enjoy it more? What am I meant to feel? Sorry this is a bit morose, but Mother's Day just twisted the dagger, made me aware of what I have been losing for many years. I love my mum dearly, I love to hold her and cuddle her, to see her smile. I will feel so lost when she eventually dies, but.....but what? We don't go there do we ? We have to be positive, and love our loved one as they are. Don't keep wishing for things to be different, because they can't be. Keep smiling, keep loving, keep visiting. Yes that's me, that's what I will keep doing, for as long as needs be BUT I'm angry - angry that my mum has this disease, angry that she has been disappearing before my eyes, angry that her dying is taking so long, angry that it hurts so much, angry that part of me wishes it was all over and the guilt I feel for saying that. Angry that she never got to enjoy her grandchildren, nor they her. Angry that she hasn't been able to be there when I needed her.
    I am sorry if this offends anyone, and maybe once I've posted it I'll be sorry that I have but here goes!
  3. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    hello again amy
    i for one wouldnt be offended by your comments as i feel exactly the same, my mum didnt know what day it was she looked at the cards and gifts but they were soon forgotten, as the doctors have told us she's not going to last the year! i can only assume that it was my last mothers day with her.
    but who knows she is a fighter and i can only hope!
  4. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Donna ,
    You were the person I was concerned about offending. That picture of your mum is really lovely, and knowing that your mum's illness is progressing quickly, it must be difficult for you. It is strange the conflicing feelings, desperately wanting your mum to be there, but hating watching the crippling affect of dementia. This might sound strange, but I think the benefit to you of your mum dying more quickly, is that your memories of her well will be more vivid. If the doctor's prognosis is correct, you have a timescale to work within. Sorry, I think that I am sounding callous, I don't mean to be.
    With love
  5. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    not at all amy when we had the diagnosis i wished she could go there and then as i couldnt bear to see her suffering, she had a heart attack nearly two years ago and suffered brain damage they told us then she wouldnt live but she recovered as you can see by the photo! she had short term memory but we could cope with that, but unfortunatley she's developed a dementia so progressive becouse of the brain damage and we can only sit back and watch as she gets worse.
    im not ashamed to say that id wished she had died the first time instead of being brought back to go through this now, but then again at least we have had the chance to say goodbye this time, i really dont know:confused:
  6. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    I to am not offended by your comments & I thank –you for sharing your feeling as it make me appreciate my mother more , because one day in the future my mother will be at the stage your mother is in & I will be feeling what you feel & think of your words & no that those emotion our normal.

    My mum was pleased to see me; mum was sitting in the care home front room when I showed her the flowers, she was really happy to get them & the card, later on in her room, she did not click on its mother day & said that she was glad that every one saw that I had given her flowers in the front room .

    Today she was in her room showing her photo’s to another carer who visit his father it really made her day & for got I was there ,Now she wants me to bring in more photo of when she was young to show him .we tease her that she wants a toy boy :)
  7. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Margarita,
    I'm pleased that you had a good time with your mum; the thing is if my mum had been on a good day when she smiles, then I would have felt that it was good too. Doesn't take much to make me happy!!. I think that if we are moving into a stage of complete unresponsiveness, then it is going to be tough.
    It's funny (not) isn't it Donna, we are always doing a balancing act with what we want for ourselves, and what we want for our mums. The benefit of saying goodbye, the pain of watching deterioration. You seem to be coping really well Donna (what you show us on here), well done, I'm sure that your mum would be really proud of you.
  8. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    thanks it dosent always feel that way, im just trying to be there for my dad as he's coping with her at home (for now anyway) he's lost so much weight and is really stressed trying to cope i think that at least one of us at least should be seen trying to cope, i just fall to bits when im on my own when i get home ha ha.
    its not all doom and gloom though today for example, as her ears are a bit blocked at the moment and she's having trouble hearing i had to repeat a question to her about four times each time my voice getting louder in the end i shouted, she just looked at me and said " who the hell do you think your shouting at" certainly put me in my place:) i think its these moments that help me cope
  9. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Thanks, Amy, for your honesty. Far from offend, it helps to validate some of the feelings I have at times (and I feel I have a long way to go yet).

    If it helps anyone, I can report a very mixed day! I rang mum early (usual check in that she had taken her tablets!) and wished her Happy Mother’s Day. ‘Oh’. I was upset that she hadn’t realised or had and already forgotten. ‘We’ll be down soon’, I chirped. ‘No need. Nothing I need.’ I had to work at burying a twinge of anger at her… even when she was ‘well’ I couldn’t imagine NOT seeing on her Mother’s Day! Of all the days I would ever think NOT to visit…..! Reminded self this is not ‘mum’ as I knew her.

    Well, we collected the flowers and plants from the Garden Centre and did the Ground Force bit, as planned. Prepared a special ‘party tea’ of nibbles to tempt her appetite, (which they didn’t), presented her with cards (and had to point out which way up to read them….) it was all getting desperately sad but I thought things were looking up when she insisted in venturing outdoors to look at our efforts. As I helped her back indoors she said, ‘well, that will last longer than a box of chocolates’ and my mind whirled with ‘did she REALLY want chocolates this year?’, is she being facetious? She’s never been a ‘chocolate’ person – has that changed too? etc etc

    Well, we left exhausted and not certain whether our efforts were really appreciated or not.

    Monday, Tuesday, little mention. Today I visit and remark on how the primulas are already opening up – ‘Yes, I know’, she says, ‘I’ve been having a potter about and everything looks lovely’. Well, talk about you could have blown me over….!!!!! I might not cherish Mother’s Day but I can cherish that moment today!
  10. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006

    I'm sure her saying 'that will last longer than a box of chocolates' was a sign of real appreciation, if you sit down and think about it. I certainly took it that way, but I know that it's easier to see that when you're not in the frame.

    I'm sure she was really pleased and I bet it all looks fabulous. Well done you! No offence to anyone who bought their mum a box of chocolates - and I wouldn't have minded one - but what you did took a lot more thought and effort and she obviously appreciated that. :)
  11. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    HI Amy,
    You just said out loud what I feel so often. This disease causes so many contradictory feelings!!
    Take care,
  12. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex
    Teddy was popular

    Hello All

    I took my home-made card in to Mum, she glanced at it at and promptly gave it to the lady sitting next to her, who was thrilled with it!

    I bought mum a small very soft teddy bear with a "Love You Mum" top on, that was a big success, she has been stroking and squeezing him ever since, so at least I got that right.

    My card and gift have made two people happy, life is full of surprises.

  13. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    Hi All,

    I know this thread is about Mothers but I recognise some of the thoughts/feelings spoken of with regard to my Dad, so I hope you don't mind if I reply. My Mum has gone away for a few days well deserved break and I went to visit Dad yesterday on my own. When I went in the Home he was asleep in an armchair, head forward and I crouched beside him and rubbed his arm to wake him gently. You know how when you're a child and you find yourself grabbing hold of a strangers hand, thinking it is your Mum or Dad? That's the feeling I had then, it was like "is this really my Dad?" It looked like him but perhaps I'd made a mistake and if I looked around I'd see him as he was. No, there was no mistake.

    When he woke I peeled him an apple. like Mum usually does and took him for a walk around the corridors (I asked if he'd like to walk around the gardens and he said "What for?" in such a way that I didn't follow up with the "to see the daffodils" bit).

    While we were on our corridor walk he suddenly wanted to go to the toilet and I directed him into one nearby. Waiting outside gave me time to imagine all kinds of scenarios, none of which were pleasant, and to wonder how I was going to cope but five minutes later he emerged all clean and zipped up properly, thank goodness. Am I a coward for feeling like this? Shouldn't I be able to manage looking after my Dad and cope with all the toiletting side of things? It's just that Dad was always such a private man, and the thought of seeing him in some kind of mess fills me with dread, both for me and for him. I suppose I still can't see him as "just another human being", to me he is still my strong and dignified Dad. The blinkers are still on.

    Sorry again for hi-jacking this thread, and what is the point of this reply, apart from having a good old ramble? I suppose, Amy, it is to say that I also feel angry about the way this all drags on. Why can't it all be over so I can grieve properly and remember Dad as he was? Then, in the next instance comes the guilt, as you say, and the scream inside of "I didn't mean that, if this is all I can have of my Dad then of course I want him to stay as he is". The continual roller coaster continues! Love from H.
    What a lovely way to look at it Kathleen.
  14. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Thanks, noelphobic: “I'm sure her saying 'that will last longer than a box of chocolates' was a sign of real appreciation, if you sit down and think about it. I certainly took it that way, but I know that it's easier to see that when you're not in the frame.”

    I think that’s just it – the ‘frame’ is currently, ‘I’ve got to get everything so right’ – as so many here have shared the angst of ‘just in case this is the last one’ But the frame I’m in is making me doubt whether I ever got anything right at all – ever. Amy’s comment: “She started coughing when I gave her a chocolate, so I thought "Oh God, I'm choking her now" really struck a chord with me!!!!

    And absolutely no offence to anyone who bought chocolates – I personally love perishable gifts – flowers, chocs – anything that’s a treat and wouldn’t normally be considered within the normal household budget! It’s just that my mum never has – she’s the type always wanted ‘something practical’ - whether for the house or something to wear kind of thing (the wars years, you know, make do and mend, never waste anything – she’s never lost that way of thinking).

    The ‘Ground Force’ idea was an easy one this year. Basically it was a job that needed doing. We’d have got round to doing it at some point anyway, I suppose. Makes me wonder was I conveniently doing it more for me than for her?

    You see, I am learning to take any situation and turn it into a guilt trip!

    Actually, on reflection, I can see mum’s comment as her being genuinely pleased we had provided her with the kind of ‘practical’ gift she has always appreciated(so I DID get it right!?). Thanks for that!
  15. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England

    I don’t see that you’re hijacking at all. For ‘Mother’s Day’ read ‘Father’s Day’. Come June, lots of people will be having difficulty facing up to that one – and perhaps there are things that have been shared here that they can take away and help them deal with what is happening to ‘dad’.

    I, for one, don’t see you as a coward (your honesty and openness proves that!)and I am certain when and if the time comes that you have to do ‘the unpleasant’ stuff, you will find you have the strength and grace to do it with dignity for both of you – because he is not and never will be ‘just another human being’ to you.

    I recall during my own dad’s lengthy illness I wished it could all be over sooner rather than later – I told myself that was because I didn’t want him to be in pain anymore, but I knew part of it was for my own sake too. I couldn’t bear to see him as he was. Then I was horrified that I could even be thinking the way I was.

    I thought it was all I would ever remember of him, but you know, I was sifting through some photos with mum the other day and found one of dad when he was really poorly. I was shocked – I had actually forgotten just how bad he had got before he died. How could I have forgotten? But I had – it’s taken some time but I really do tend to remember only the good times, now. You – unlike me some years ago – have already recognised that whilst you are going through this period of ‘suspended grief’ it is nigh impossible to ‘see’ anything but how the person is now…. and what comfort is there in knowing the way we ‘regain’ them for ourselves is to lose them completely?

    I am sorry that sounds awfully ‘down’ – I started out trying to help (and understand my own thought processes!)

    Love, Tender Face
  16. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    Thank you Tender Face, you helped so much more than you can know. It's a compliment to you that I nearly cried at your words - it takes quite a lot to make that happen nowadays (perhaps a symptom of the 'suspended grief' you mentioned). Perhaps it's also because I was listening to Ester Ranzen on Radio 2 talking about "Planning a good death", she put it all very well how some people want to talk about it, others do not etc. I just have to think these things through and your words and understanding really did help. Thank you again, love H.
  17. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Especially for Daughter – want to try and raise a smile about ‘toileting’

    Not sure if this subject is ‘off-limits’ – promise nothing rude!

    By the way, are we supposed to keep to the original thread?! Will I get my ‘virtual’ wrists slapped for going off on a tangent…..? Is that a worse sin than hijacking? (Should this be a PM?) Should I have posted in another thread? Do I know anything anymore?????


    Your post about visiting your dad reminded me of a time I took my dad to Old Trafford – when I probably shouldn’t have done – he was too ill – but he’d taken me to see ManU so many times over the years, we’d somehow got tickets and I was determined to do it (as was he!)

    By then he was registered ‘disabled’ but even the car parking spot we secured seemed a million miles away from the ground and I’d forgotten how many steps there were to climb. I was quite proud of myself… swapped seats with another ‘couple’ so dad had the least amount of walking to do rather than get to our allocated ones, dug in my Women’s Lib heels (showing my age!) to queue for Bovril and pies for him at half-time (talk about role-reversal!).

    I thought I had it all planned and was doing really well until, just before the end of the match, the dreaded: ‘I need the loo’. Hadn’t even considered that one!

    What was I thinking about? Selfish me! Just wanted to share some precious time with him doing what I had for so many years previously when he was well and able and fully mobile…. Hadn’t thought about him needing an ‘escort’ into those sort of places….

    I remember a kindly steward looking at me and dad shuffling along, ‘Need some ‘elp, mate?’ Dad just smiled and carried on.

    I retreated a few yards back as the game ended and it seemed like the whole 50,000 crowd poured down the same steps and towards the ‘gents’ where I knew dad was having to ‘manage on his own’.……:eek: talk about ‘heart turning over’.

    A few minutes later (seemed like hours) same kindly steward had ‘sussed’ the situation and I found him escorting dad from the exit and to my standpoint.

    Dad always told me ‘there are a lot more good people than bad’ – that steward certainly proved his point that day – or was he just concerned at what a woman of my age was doing loitering around men’s public toilets?????!!!!!

    Your post reminded me of that great anxiety at the time. All I am trying to illustrate is that I can look back now at what seemed a ‘minor crisis’ with nothing but love and affection, appreciation of human nature and humour – and especially learning to laugh at myself! (And no, I have NOT become known for hanging around men's toilets!!!!:D )

    What YOU have helped ME to see is that I need to apply my own philosophy about what I have learnt from dad to my current situation with mum!!! :)

    Thank you, love, Tender Face
  18. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    Thank you again Tender Face, what a great story, once again you have helped me. I can see that I will cope with whatever embarassing situation we find ourselves in and will no doubt laugh about it later too. If there is any loitering to be done outside men's toilets, I will be thinking of you, if you know what I mean! ;)
    I think that hi-jacking threads and going off on tangents come with the territory! Any post that is going to help someone, somewhere has to be a good post. (I'm telling myself this - please excuse us all you Mother's Day card posters!)
    I love your Dad's saying, it reminded me of all my Dad's sayings and how he would always make us laugh. There are good people out there, thank you once again for sharing your experiences - invaluable.

    Tender Face, you said on another thread:
    - it strikes me that you have passed the initiation test with flying colours!! ;) Love H. :)
  19. nikita

    nikita Registered User

    Jul 31, 2004
    had a very weepy mothers day as sundays were always when i went to visit gran, i bought myself a bunch of flowers to remember her by, thank god i am working the next 2 sundays as when tea time comes i dont really know what to do with myself. on my way home from work tonight i thought to myself i will go and visit gran and then i remembered she had gone it was a horrible feeling but i know it is stille arly days.
  20. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    Can I remind everyone that there is no need to loiter outside gent's/lady's toilets.
    I suffered many embarrassing moments until I obtained a Radar key.
    Radar key fits all disabled toilets and they plenty of room for two.
    They can be obtained at the local council for a small charge.

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