Mom went into a home today.

[DeMartin]

I’m expecting her to be angry with me as I’m a trigger for her anyway. I was thinking of going before lunch for a short visit on Monday as the home don’t allow visitors at meal times on a general basis and she loves food and won’t want to miss it.

She’s not allowed many treats as she’s on insulin but I was going to take some things I know she can have.

I read about the coat and bag and will use it as a tactic. I have managed to slip out twice on the day I took her the staff were great. I’m more worried about making her worse because of my visit.

Thank you though x

Although the department of health etc. Recommend a well balanced diet for diabetics, a treat is a treat. A pound shop sells sugar free wafer biscuits, and more traditional sweet shops sell SF sweets.

 

[Swoozy]

Although the department of health etc. Recommend a well balanced diet for diabetics, a treat is a treat. A pound shop sells sugar free wafer biscuits, and more traditional sweet shops sell SF sweets.

Thank you. B and M do a few sugar free biscuits. Unfortunately if you eat too many they have a laxitive effect so still have to be limited but I did take a small packet of 4 biscuits and sugar free lemonade too. Xxx

 

[Swoozy]

That sounds a positive first visit. I always adopted the attitude with visiting my dad...expect the worst hope for the best...as no two visits seemed to be the same and then I hadn't built up my hopes too high only to be disappointed.

I’m going again tomorrow as I think. Too many visits won’t be for the best. X

 

[Swoozy]

Thank you for the update, and I'm glad it went better than you feared. It's good to hear that you found her looking well, and it sounds as though you avoided major upset. That's great!

I was a trigger for my mother's anger and upset. I'm an only child, so I suppose it makes sense, plus we never had a good relationship.

That was why I didn't visit my mother for such a long time after she moved into the care home, as it was sure to trigger her. Move in day was horrid beyond belief and the nurse manager said she'd never seen anything quite like it (not reassuring). But, against all our expectations, my mother settled well, and fairly quickly, and was much more content in her care home than she ever had been at home, for years prior.

My visits at first would sometimes, but not always, trigger the upset and nasty comments. I learned things to do (take gifts, distract, maintain very carefully positive and calm body language, demeanor, and tone of voice), and things to not do (not mention certain topics, not stay too long, not accept commands to come to her room for a chat, not be alone with her).

As time went on, I was able to stay for longer visits, visit alone, and so on. We do have to carefully listen for her cue for us to leave, especially if she is tired or in pain, and just go, even if we have only been there briefly.

She hasn't said anything nasty, or gotten distressed by my visits, in well over a year now, maybe longer. So it can pass.

I also had to learn coping techniques for me, for the visits. Music in the car, breathing exercises to stay calm, a lot of strategic retreats to the toilet, planning something pleasant for me after a difficult visit with her, and so on. I can talk more about that if you like.

Three years after she moved in, I still get upset about visits, but not as much or as often, and I have less dread and stress about them overall.

I hope it can be better for you, also.

She did pack up her things in the afternoon Yesterday but she remained calm and they were happy with how it all went.

I’m going to limit my visits but there are plenty of people who will visit for me so maybe this will help.

 

[Swoozy]

I’m feeling lost today. I have succumbed to a massive guilt monster and want to drive to the home and pick mom up.

I saw her with my children yesterday and although it wasn’t a horrible visit it left me feeling sad and guilty.

I know she’s being well cared for and although she’s asking to come home a lot the staff manage to distract her and she isn’t kicking off.

How can we ever be sure that we made the right decision.

I wish I could say I feel more relaxed and I’ve slept well but it’s been a week and I’ve barely slept and I’m exhausted.

The home are happy for me to see her as much as I want now but I hate that feeling when I drive away from the home leaving her there knowing I’ve just slipped away without saying goodbye.

I never got to say goodbye to my dad before he died as he ended up on life support, which we had to turn off, I guess this is why I hate not saying goodbye to mom in case it’s the last time I see her.

Rambling because I don’t feel I’m getting much support at home. My husband and children are so relieved that their daily lives aren’t twisted into chaos and it’s making me angry that they aren’t missing her and feeling as guilty as I am.

I know I need to give things time that maybe one day I will manage to just have a relaxing day without feeling sad and guilty whilst knowing that she’s as content as she can be but that day feels a life time away from how my mind feels now.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I’m feeling lost today. I have succumbed to a massive guilt monster and want to drive to the home and pick mom up.

I saw her with my children yesterday and although it wasn’t a horrible visit it left me feeling sad and guilty.

I know she’s being well cared for and although she’s asking to come home a lot the staff manage to distract her and she isn’t kicking off.

How can we ever be sure that we made the right decision.

I wish I could say I feel more relaxed and I’ve slept well but it’s been a week and I’ve barely slept and I’m exhausted.

The home are happy for me to see her as much as I want now but I hate that feeling when I drive away from the home leaving her there knowing I’ve just slipped away without saying goodbye.

I never got to say goodbye to my dad before he died as he ended up on life support, which we had to turn off, I guess this is why I hate not saying goodbye to mom in case it’s the last time I see her.

Rambling because I don’t feel I’m getting much support at home. My husband and children are so relieved that their daily lives aren’t twisted into chaos and it’s making me angry that they aren’t missing her and feeling as guilty as I am.

I know I need to give things time that maybe one day I will manage to just have a relaxing day without feeling sad and guilty whilst knowing that she’s as content as she can be but that day feels a life time away from how my mind feels now.

It is the first anniversary of my dad passing away on the 8th so all thoughts atm for me have taken me right back to his last two weeks of life and part of that includes reflecting on the decisions I made at every stage and could I have done anything differently. The sad truth is no...I wish I could have but I did my best. I can understand why you feel the need to say goodbye each time but your mum's circumstances are very different to your dad's. My mum died suddenly we found her I didnt say goodbye.I said goodbye each of the last of dad's 14 days but that also was different. You will have many weeks months or even a few years with your mum being well looked after so perhaps in your mind if you feel the need to say goodbye after each visit but change the wording to ...see you later...see you in a while...or as I did...going to wash up...get you more toiletries...going to the shop etc. You know what it means for you just saying it in another way without triggering upset for your mum

 

[Amy in the US]

There has been so much going on that it is no wonder your emotions are all over the place. Please give yourself time to adjust. This is a big change for not only your mother, but also you.

I wonder if you'd find it helpful to have someone to talk to. Perhaps a counselor, or a support group, or similar? You have a lot to work through at the moment.

I do remember the feeling of wondering and worrying if I had made the right decision, and this was in the face of overwhelming evidence that my mother could not live alone. Clearly an emotional response on my part, not logical.

I think a difficult part of this disease is us, as carers, learning and accepting that we now must make decisions for another adult, based on what they need, and not what anyone wants, would have wanted, or in fact say they want. (At any rate, it was not easy for me to accept this.)

I am sorry you are feeling so upset and overwhelmed. I wish I had some better advice for you.

 

[Ruby22]

Swoozy - I'm crying along with you here. I have this still to come and I'm dreading it. Mum should be in a care home already, but she is in denial that there is anything wrong with her at all and insisting she is fine in her own home. I have found a nice care home, and take her there one day a week at the moment to try and get her used to it. When I collect her at teatime she races up to me saying 'Thank goodness you're here, take me home' She often tries to walk out saying she is going to get the bus home, although the staff say she joins in activities and has a good time. She is adamant she is not even going to spend one night there, even though we are struggling to cope with caring for her and almost at breaking point. The day will have to come fairly soon, but it will break my heart.

 

[DeMartin]

Swoosh, reread your earlier posts, your home life has calmed down, your mum is safe warm and cared for 24/7.
We, who have PWD, get the guilts, maybe we could have managed, if we’d only did this or that.................
Its always a tough decision, but now when you visit you can enjoy your mum’s company.
Saying goodbye, every time we leave a loved one we mentally say bye, I certainly don’t make a big thing about leaving , peck on the cheek, I’m gone. Same as I did when I left her house after a visit.

 

[Annabelle22]

I had to make a snap decision about some respite today. Admit mom or lose the place. She’s on a weeks respite with a view to her staying permanently.

It’s one of the worst decisions I have ever had to make.

I keep hoping I’ve made the right decision.

She didn’t want to stay. She was angry and annoyed. She did however have lunch and dinner without argument.

If she’s not suitable for long time care there I’m dreading bringing her home and she hating me even more.

I’m not sure why i needed to post but here people know how I feel today.

I can’t stop crying and I never cry. My only thoughts are what if she dies in the next couple of days with her last thoughts that I abandoned her. I know it’s silly but she does have heart problems.

The home have suggested its best if I stay away and not visit so they can settle her.

Why is it all so hard ?

I really feel for you. We made that decision in July last year. It was heartbreaking and although we felt guilty, we knew it was the right thing to do. Dad is 77 and just couldn't cope anymore and we were worried sick that she may go missing as she was often putting her coat on late at night convinced she was going out. We did as much as we could to keep mum at home for as long as possible. Like you, I cried for days it was awful. 8 months on, she's settled in well and thinks she's always lived there. The staff are fantastic. She's no idea who we are and she struggles to communicate when we visit but just sitting with her in the lounge area holding her hand is comfort enough. I read somewhere that when your loved one goes into a home, you can return to the relationship you had i.e. being their daughter, husband, etc and let someone continue with the caring.

Don't be hard on yourself. Give yourself time. It's a huge decision. I agree to avoid visiting initially while she settles.

If your mum returns home, she won't hate you. My mum used to say hurtful things sometimes but try and remember it's the disease, not your loved one. It sounds like once she's distracted, your mum is ok, e.g. She ate lunch and dinner quite happily.

Sending you a hug x

 

[Claire-5000]

I so know how you feel! I put my Dad in a home yesterday after 4 years of caring for him. It's horrible!

Dad was in hospital for 6 weeks and actually walked out twice! The police had to find him and bring him back! He was very distressed to start with in hospital, phoning me constantly and asking for help to get out. I felt like the most evil person for not just taking him home. But I can't. I can't manage him any more. He's not safe with me and he's not really happy because I don't have enough time to keep him occupied.

After 4 weeks in hospital, he made friends with some of the staff. He's a lovely man and they loved him. They were upset to see him go and even gave him goodbye cards! By this point, he was no longer asking to go home.

Then of course, we had to move him again to the home. He refused for days and the hospital are so amazing, they wouldn't let him leave until he agreed because they wanted him to feel positive about his move. How many hospitals would do that?!

I cried all day until it was time to see Dad at the home yesterday. I was dreading it! It was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be, although I'm still obviously tearful a lot!

My points of saying all this is, firstly give it time. Your mum will adapt but it will take weeks. It will also depend on the staff and if she connects with anyone there, staff or resident.

Secondly. We are going through a loss. You've given so much of your life to caring for mum. She's part of you, you love her, she's been one of your reasons for getting up every day. Losing that, even if it's been difficult and a nightmare at times, which I'm sure it has been, is a massive loss. Accept you're grieving and be kind to yourself.

It's the end of an era for both of us isn't it? A painful and horrible one. One we feel guilty about too, even if they are in a better place.

Give yourself time and give her time. We all managed to adapt to life with dementia just about. Now we have to adapt to life in a care home. Lots of hugs and just know it will get better!

 

[Swoozy]

It is the first anniversary of my dad passing away on the 8th so all thoughts atm for me have taken me right back to his last two weeks of life and part of that includes reflecting on the decisions I made at every stage and could I have done anything differently. The sad truth is no...I wish I could have but I did my best. I can understand why you feel the need to say goodbye each time but your mum's circumstances are very different to your dad's. My mum died suddenly we found her I didnt say goodbye.I said goodbye each of the last of dad's 14 days but that also was different. You will have many weeks months or even a few years with your mum being well looked after so perhaps in your mind if you feel the need to say goodbye after each visit but change the wording to ...see you later...see you in a while...or as I did...going to wash up...get you more toiletries...going to the shop etc. You know what it means for you just saying it in another way without triggering upset for your mum

Thank you for sharing and will be thinking of you on the 8th.

I know I need to give it time x

 

[Swoozy]

There has been so much going on that it is no wonder your emotions are all over the place. Please give yourself time to adjust. This is a big change for not only your mother, but also you.

I wonder if you'd find it helpful to have someone to talk to. Perhaps a counselor, or a support group, or similar? You have a lot to work through at the moment.

I do remember the feeling of wondering and worrying if I had made the right decision, and this was in the face of overwhelming evidence that my mother could not live alone. Clearly an emotional response on my part, not logical.

I think a difficult part of this disease is us, as carers, learning and accepting that we now must make decisions for another adult, based on what they need, and not what anyone wants, would have wanted, or in fact say they want. (At any rate, it was not easy for me to accept this.)

I am sorry you are feeling so upset and overwhelmed. I wish I had some better advice for you.

Thank you just having you all to vent to helps x x x

 

[Swoozy]

Swoozy - I'm crying along with you here. I have this still to come and I'm dreading it. Mum should be in a care home already, but she is in denial that there is anything wrong with her at all and insisting she is fine in her own home. I have found a nice care home, and take her there one day a week at the moment to try and get her used to it. When I collect her at teatime she races up to me saying 'Thank goodness you're here, take me home' She often tries to walk out saying she is going to get the bus home, although the staff say she joins in activities and has a good time. She is adamant she is not even going to spend one night there, even though we are struggling to cope with caring for her and almost at breaking point. The day will have to come fairly soon, but it will break my heart.

Hi mom was exactly the same she can look after herself apparently she doesn’t need help with anything, oh how I wish that were true.

For me it was just a now or never moment and part of me is glad I took the plunge she is well cared for and she is settling.

Thank you for being there with me xx

 

[Swoozy]

Swoosh, reread your earlier posts, your home life has calmed down, your mum is safe warm and cared for 24/7.
We, who have PWD, get the guilts, maybe we could have managed, if we’d only did this or that.................
Its always a tough decision, but now when you visit you can enjoy your mum’s company.
Saying goodbye, every time we leave a loved one we mentally say bye, I certainly don’t make a big thing about leaving , peck on the cheek, I’m gone. Same as I did when I left her house after a visit.

Thank you. I know I need to look at the positives now. I think once they have said she’s there permanently I will begin to relax a little more. At the moment it’s respite leading to full time care. Xxx

 

[Swoozy]

I really feel for you. We made that decision in July last year. It was heartbreaking and although we felt guilty, we knew it was the right thing to do. Dad is 77 and just couldn't cope anymore and we were worried sick that she may go missing as she was often putting her coat on late at night convinced she was going out. We did as much as we could to keep mum at home for as long as possible. Like you, I cried for days it was awful. 8 months on, she's settled in well and thinks she's always lived there. The staff are fantastic. She's no idea who we are and she struggles to communicate when we visit but just sitting with her in the lounge area holding her hand is comfort enough. I read somewhere that when your loved one goes into a home, you can return to the relationship you had i.e. being their daughter, husband, etc and let someone continue with the caring.

Don't be hard on yourself. Give yourself time. It's a huge decision. I agree to avoid visiting initially while she settles.

If your mum returns home, she won't hate you. My mum used to say hurtful things sometimes but try and remember it's the disease, not your loved one. It sounds like once she's distracted, your mum is ok, e.g. She ate lunch and dinner quite happily.

Sending you a hug x

Thank you for the hug and sharing. I know in my head it’s the right thing for her at this stage just my heart that needs to catch up xxx

 

[Swoozy]

I so know how you feel! I put my Dad in a home yesterday after 4 years of caring for him. It's horrible!

Dad was in hospital for 6 weeks and actually walked out twice! The police had to find him and bring him back! He was very distressed to start with in hospital, phoning me constantly and asking for help to get out. I felt like the most evil person for not just taking him home. But I can't. I can't manage him any more. He's not safe with me and he's not really happy because I don't have enough time to keep him occupied.

After 4 weeks in hospital, he made friends with some of the staff. He's a lovely man and they loved him. They were upset to see him go and even gave him goodbye cards! By this point, he was no longer asking to go home.

Then of course, we had to move him again to the home. He refused for days and the hospital are so amazing, they wouldn't let him leave until he agreed because they wanted him to feel positive about his move. How many hospitals would do that?!

I cried all day until it was time to see Dad at the home yesterday. I was dreading it! It was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be, although I'm still obviously tearful a lot!

My points of saying all this is, firstly give it time. Your mum will adapt but it will take weeks. It will also depend on the staff and if she connects with anyone there, staff or resident.

Secondly. We are going through a loss. You've given so much of your life to caring for mum. She's part of you, you love her, she's been one of your reasons for getting up every day. Losing that, even if it's been difficult and a nightmare at times, which I'm sure it has been, is a massive loss. Accept you're grieving and be kind to yourself.

It's the end of an era for both of us isn't it? A painful and horrible one. One we feel guilty about too, even if they are in a better place.

Give yourself time and give her time. We all managed to adapt to life with dementia just about. Now we have to adapt to life in a care home. Lots of hugs and just know it will get better!

Thank you for sharing it’s feels good to know I’m not the only one.

She likes the staff and she does sit with the same lady all the time.

The home encourage her to move about the different lounges to meet the different residents and they have a mix of dementia and none dementia residents and although she probably can’t keep up she plays bingo with the none dementia as she isn’t as far down the line as some of the others.

I’m not great with change I guess this is the reason I’m struggling.

I haven’t even gotten Over my daughter moving away to uni and she’s nearly at the end of her second year lol x x