Mom went into a home today.

[Swoozy]

I had to make a snap decision about some respite today. Admit mom or lose the place. She’s on a weeks respite with a view to her staying permanently.

It’s one of the worst decisions I have ever had to make.

I keep hoping I’ve made the right decision.

She didn’t want to stay. She was angry and annoyed. She did however have lunch and dinner without argument.

If she’s not suitable for long time care there I’m dreading bringing her home and she hating me even more.

I’m not sure why i needed to post but here people know how I feel today.

I can’t stop crying and I never cry. My only thoughts are what if she dies in the next couple of days with her last thoughts that I abandoned her. I know it’s silly but she does have heart problems.

The home have suggested its best if I stay away and not visit so they can settle her.

Why is it all so hard ?

 

[karaokePete]

Hi @Swoozy. It's hard because of the Guilt Monster. Shake that demon off your shoulders and know that you have done the right thing by your mom.
Don't think of the worst, think of how she will be well looked after. She possibly settled down as soon as you were out of sight.
It's a hard decision to make, even when you know it's the right one. If you need to talk we are all here for you. Virtual hug sent your way ((HUG)).

 

[Swoozy]

Hi @Swoozy. It's hard because of the Guilt Monster. Shake that demon off your shoulders and know that you have done the right thing by your mom.
Don't think of the worst, think of how she will be well looked after. She possibly settled down as soon as you were out of sight.
It's a hard decision to make, even when you know it's the right one. If you need to talk we are all here for you. Virtual hug sent your way ((HUG)).

Thank you for the hug it’s much needed xxx

 

[LadyA]

Having read over your other posts, @Swoozy , it's obvious how much you have struggled with this decision. And it's equally obvious how much you and your mum need a lot more support than you've had. Your mum didn't want to stay. Of course she didn't. It was a strange place, she didn't know her way round, or know anyone there. My husband was the same the first time he went for respite. The last time (which segued into permanent Care), as soon as we got inside the front door, he took off down the corridor to the lounge, without a backward glance at me! I didn't even get a brief "goodbye"!
I'm sure your mum will be fine, once she settles and sees the advantages.

 

[DollyBird16]

I had to make a snap decision about some respite today. Admit mom or lose the place. She’s on a weeks respite with a view to her staying permanently.

It’s one of the worst decisions I have ever had to make.

I keep hoping I’ve made the right decision.

She didn’t want to stay. She was angry and annoyed. She did however have lunch and dinner without argument.

If she’s not suitable for long time care there I’m dreading bringing her home and she hating me even more.

I’m not sure why i needed to post but here people know how I feel today.

I can’t stop crying and I never cry. My only thoughts are what if she dies in the next couple of days with her last thoughts that I abandoned her. I know it’s silly but she does have heart problems.

The home have suggested its best if I stay away and not visit so they can settle her.

Why is it all so hard ?

I’m sending you the softest virtual tissues to gently wipe your tears away.
I’ve not been where you are yet, the thought makes me cry. Yet I know when the time comes it will be like you a decision made for love and wanting the best for Mum.
Take care and nothing wrong with a good cry.
So pleased you posted, it’s great having TP where no one minds and everyone gets it. X

 

[Baby Bunty]

Hi swoozy..feel for you really do..i remember like it was yesterday ( it was 7 years ago).the day we decided mum needed 24 hour..it was the hardest decision we have ever maded and wouldnt wish it on anyone..but it was the best decision..dont get me wrong it took mum months to settle..but it was for the best for her and also myself and family..thoughts are with you..take care off yourself.xxxx

 

[trudster]

We took my dad to his care home on Saturday to make it harder he had already been in respite on and off for the last 6 weeks and had grown to like it there but it wasn't the right place for him as they heve mainly residents who require more dementia care than my dad.
So we found a lovely home in a village that he knows we had already taken him for a look round and he liked it then! but this week was another thing completely, as soon as we entered the lounge he got stroppy i'm not ready for this etc etc so I told him a white lie saying I would be back later and left horrid thing to do but I know its the best and I completely understand your feelings Swoozy give it time your mum will settle and who knows will even grow to love the place (we live in hope ) xx

 

[love.dad.but..]

Have been in your position for my dad It is one of the hardest things to have to do but there is no way around it when the pwd needs too much care for one person no matter how loving or willing can give. 4 years after I took that step and a year since dad died and that day seems only like yesterday and I cried all the way home and some. I hope your first visit is a very positive one and a big hug sent virtually

 

[Swoozy]

Having read over your other posts, @Swoozy , it's obvious how much you have struggled with this decision. And it's equally obvious how much you and your mum need a lot more support than you've had. Your mum didn't want to stay. Of course she didn't. It was a strange place, she didn't know her way round, or know anyone there. My husband was the same the first time he went for respite. The last time (which segued into permanent Care), as soon as we got inside the front door, he took off down the corridor to the lounge, without a backward glance at me! I didn't even get a brief "goodbye"!
I'm sure your mum will be fine, once she settles and sees the advantages.

Thank you. Apparently she’s had a good first night and isn’t asking to go home. X

 

[Swoozy]

I’m sending you the softest virtual tissues to gently wipe your tears away.
I’ve not been where you are yet, the thought makes me cry. Yet I know when the time comes it will be like you a decision made for love and wanting the best for Mum.
Take care and nothing wrong with a good cry.
So pleased you posted, it’s great having TP where no one minds and everyone gets it. X

Thank you I appreciate the kind thoughts. X

 

[Swoozy]

Have been in your position for my dad It is one of the hardest things to have to do but there is no way around it when the pwd needs too much care for one person no matter how loving or willing can give. 4 years after I took that step and a year since dad died and that day seems only like yesterday and I cried all the way home and some. I hope your first visit is a very positive one and a big hug sent virtually

Thank you. I have stopped crying today lol. Although I’m sure there are more to come. She’s had a good first night x.

 

[Swoozy]

Hi swoozy..feel for you really do..i remember like it was yesterday ( it was 7 years ago).the day we decided mum needed 24 hour..it was the hardest decision we have ever maded and wouldnt wish it on anyone..but it was the best decision..dont get me wrong it took mum months to settle..but it was for the best for her and also myself and family..thoughts are with you..take care off yourself.xxxx

Thank you xxx

 

[Swoozy]

We took my dad to his care home on Saturday to make it harder he had already been in respite on and off for the last 6 weeks and had grown to like it there but it wasn't the right place for him as they heve mainly residents who require more dementia care than my dad.
So we found a lovely home in a village that he knows we had already taken him for a look round and he liked it then! but this week was another thing completely, as soon as we entered the lounge he got stroppy i'm not ready for this etc etc so I told him a white lie saying I would be back later and left horrid thing to do but I know its the best and I completely understand your feelings Swoozy give it time your mum will settle and who knows will even grow to love the place (we live in hope ) xx

Thank you. Apparently she’s had a really great night and isn’t asking to come home. X

 

[love.dad.but..]

Thank you. I have stopped crying today lol. Although I’m sure there are more to come. She’s had a good first night x.

When mum died suddenly ...when dad moved into care ...when he died ...I cried unexpectedly in front of all sorts of strangers...bank manager...shop assistant...random lady on the train...at traffic lights. .the list goes on. I would try and hold it in...bite my lip...think to myself oh no please don't start blubbing so embarrassing... hold it in...blast too late! It does start to get better though over time as an adjustment starts to happen

 

[Scouts girl]

It is the worst decision to make having to place a loved one in a care home. I lost my mum last November but still cannot shake off the guilt I still have of making that decision. I was reaching carers breakdown so it really was taken out of my hands, I just wish I had been able to discuss the move with her rather that telling all the love lies as to why she had to go and mum not knowing what was happening to her. She never really settled in her home up until the end of her life but I had to make sure she was safe and given the excellent 24 hour care that she needed. You will cry buckets but spend as much time with her as you can and tell her that you love her and are there for her. I hope in time your mum will settle and you can reassure yourself that it was the right move for her and it was done out of love for her and what she needed not wanted. Do keep posting as TP can be a lifesaver as we all know what each of us are having to struggle with and can be such a comfort for us all. Take care of yourself now. Xxx

 

[Swoozy]

It is the worst decision to make having to place a loved one in a care home. I lost my mum last November but still cannot shake off the guilt I still have of making that decision. I was reaching carers breakdown so it really was taken out of my hands, I just wish I had been able to discuss the move with her rather that telling all the love lies as to why she had to go and mum not knowing what was happening to her. She never really settled in her home up until the end of her life but I had to make sure she was safe and given the excellent 24 hour care that she needed. You will cry buckets but spend as much time with her as you can and tell her that you love her and are there for her. I hope in time your mum will settle and you can reassure yourself that it was the right move for her and it was done out of love for her and what she needed not wanted. Do keep posting as TP can be a lifesaver as we all know what each of us are having to struggle with and can be such a comfort for us all. Take care of yourself now. Xxx

Thank you. Last night she said she wanted to go home. They said they managed to settle her but I worried all night.

I really want to go see her but as it’s a weeks respite at the moment they have advised against it.

It’s just too hard. I want to drive to the home and pick her up and bring her home and it all be lovely and perfect. I know it won’t be and the only reason I’m not is because my home is a little more relaxed. My husband has gone away on business and isn’t worrying about what mom will do while he’s away. My daughter is happier because moms agression was towards her. My son is relaxing on his week off college.

I know it’s for the best of my family. I’m just dying a little inside. X.

 

[Scouts girl]

I can quite understand how you are feeling Swoozey. Take the week to have time for yourself and your family. Be assured that mum is being well cared for and is safe 24 hours a day. No matter how much heartbreak making this decision brings we do have to think of our own health and family and I hope that if the move for your mum becomes permanent that she will settle in her new home. It is a long and arduous journey we undertake when we have a loved one suffering with this awful illness and nothing can prepare us for what it entails. You are obviously a loving and caring daughter just trying to do your best for your mum. Take care and keep posting on how things are going. Our thoughts are with you xxx

 

[Swoozy]

I want to phone the home before I go to sleep but I don’t want to hear that she’s upset. I have called today and had a conversation with a member of her mental health team who visited. She has been asking to come home today but has also been laughing and playing connect 4. She hates board games usually so I’m glad she’s interacting.

I don’t know how to relax im so used to being on edge waiting for the next thing to happen. Waiting for the alarm to go off to say she’s out of bed for the 10th time.

I’m constantly thinking about silly things. What if they wash her nice jumpers and then put them in the dryer and ruin them. What if she’s been looking for things from home that I didn’t deem important enough to pack. She’s been my shadow at home for so long I keep expecting her to be right behind me.

When does it get easier ? When do you stop thinking about her every need ? It’s only been two days and I know it’s no time at all but I miss the dementia mom even though most of my mom went a long time ago. I don’t think I will last the week without seeing her.

 

[Heylowe]

I had to make a snap decision about some respite today. Admit mom or lose the place. She’s on a weeks respite with a view to her staying permanently.

It’s one of the worst decisions I have ever had to make.

I keep hoping I’ve made the right decision.

She didn’t want to stay. She was angry and annoyed. She did however have lunch and dinner without argument.

If she’s not suitable for long time care there I’m dreading bringing her home and she hating me even more.

I’m not sure why i needed to post but here people know how I feel today.

I can’t stop crying and I never cry. My only thoughts are what if she dies in the next couple of days with her last thoughts that I abandoned her. I know it’s silly but she does have heart problems.

The home have suggested its best if I stay away and not visit so they can settle her.

Why is it all so hard ?

Hi,
I took my dad to a home last week & oh my god I sobbed as I left, as did he! He had to go in as my mum (& us) were at breaking point just from exhaustion. We didn't want to put him in a home but the care company we were using couldn't up there hours, so it was a very quick decision. Every day I'm asking if we made the right decision.
It's so so hard for everyone who is involved with dementia. I'm wishing you all the best & keep strong. (Ps - I never cry but boy I have these last few days!!!)

 

[love.dad.but..]

I have to be honest and for me I couldn't stop thinking about dad's needs even on the day inbetween visits for all of the nearly 3 years he was there. Even though looked after in his NH... my waking and sometimes nights were filled with thinking about what dad needed have I thought of everything is there anything I can do to add to his quality of care home life. However...gradually I got used to not stressing over the trivial less important problems such as the odd bit of clothing but concentrated on dealing only with crucial problems if they arose with dad's health or care as I began to get to know the staff better by developing good communication and trust