One of the biggest enemies in all of this, is 'thought'. You constantly play out a scene into which your loved one is the key figure, vulnerable, in an alien place,unhappy, wanting to be taken home .... this plays on the mind and heart relentlessly. And yet, in truth, much of this if not all, is so often a fantasy, albeit a painful nagging one, which clouds the mind and tugs at the heart. It does take time for people to 'settle' in a care home environment (my mother took about three months). Any 'guilt' stems from that utter frustration of not wanting to place someone anywhere in the first place, against their and your own will. But therein lies the rub and the fundamental reality - you have NO CHOICE. I understand entirely what is stated here, having trodden that painful journey myself. Alike Alzeimer's, which has its 'stages', the whole process of 'respite'- then perhaps permanent residential care and the moment of 'settling', with all its differing and individual traits - can and does often mirror a kind of bereavement, which makes things so very hard on mind and soul. As long as you have contact with the Home and everything is in order in respect of care plans and so on, above all, proper CARE - then that alone is (seemingly not seen as such at the moment maybe) a true positive. The fact being that one can no longer carry out the caring role at home, despite every intent and all the love in the world, means this scenario is not uncommon. There are thousands out there wringing their hands and longing to find a way out, longing to resolve what is truly a genuine fissure in one's life - having to 'let go' of a loved one in order to allow a practicable outcome, a sustained 'quality of life', rather than a constant struggle, emotional upheaval and inevitable failure at the end of the day. Saying that these are early days, does not really help, because that does not alleviate the heartfelt pain or anxieties which are present. Nevertheless, things DO improve on nearly all fronts. It might be very very hard to refrain from visiting whilst your mother settles, but there is logic in that course. Take each day as it comes and don't ever feel at all 'weak' or that you are being 'emotional' and all the rest of it. I have no problem in stating loud and clear, that my own experience of all this with my late mother, was the hardest thing I have known in my life and also, in my case, the most important and rewarding in its aftermath. With all good wishes for the days and weeks ahead.
Mom went into a home today.
- Thread starter Swoozy
- Start date
Feeling your pain, mom did have a moment of “clarity” a couple of weeks ago. I asked her who I should put first her or my husband and children. She said them not her so I’m hanging on to that knowing that my real mom wouldn’t want any of this for us.
Thank you x x
The staff seem amazing so far and are quite honest about how she is. I will just have to get used to the change I guess. X x
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I’ve been through some tough times in my life and this is up there with some of the worst decisions I’ve ever had to make but I just have to hope I’m making the right ones for everyone. X.
Moms been in respite since Tuesday and it feels like a lifetime since I’ve seen her.
When is a good time to start visiting her. The home suggested the best thing was to leave it all week and then go ?
She packed all her things up yesterday afternoon (wrapped in her nightie, we didn’t leave the suitcase) so I know if I visit she will think I’m picking her up but I can’t just leave her there indefinitely without seeing her.
When is a good time to start visiting her. The home suggested the best thing was to leave it all week and then go ?
She packed all her things up yesterday afternoon (wrapped in her nightie, we didn’t leave the suitcase) so I know if I visit she will think I’m picking her up but I can’t just leave her there indefinitely without seeing her.
Different homes have different views on when best to make the first visit some say don't visit some leave it to the relative. Dad's NH said no set rules... every new resident is different and I should do what feels right for me so I went in after 2 days. I can understand perhaps why some homes say that to help the resident settle into their new home but I also think for me it has to be balanced against the pwd feeling abandoned in a strange place with not seeing any familiar face from their past. Greeted with 'Thank goodness you came back for me' which was so very hard to hear but I had my determined very smiley face on. I stayed for about an hour but from day one left coat and bag in the car and didn't say goodbye...going to wash up..to the toilet etc ... and slipped away...the less triggers to upset dad the better I decided. I then visited every other day for the nearly 3 years dad was there unless he was unwell or recovering from a fall or hospital then went every day for a few weeks.As the weeks went on I increased the length of my visit but if dad was grumpy or in one of his nothing is going to get through my mood today I cut my visit short and only stayed 20 mins. So I would say if were me...If you feel you need to visit sooner...then go.
It's so hard to know, about visiting. I hope you can find something that works.
I would suggest you time your visit for a "good" part of the day, when she won't be too tired, sundowning, in pain and so on. For my mother, the sweet spot is 10 or 11-1, and never past 5 pm, although she can sundown as early as 3 pm.
Leave your coat and bag in the car, so that you don't give off "leaving" signals by gathering them up. Don't do an emotional or protracted farewell. I never say "goodbye" or reference a specific day that I'll return, just say, cheerfully, "see you soon!" I learned all this from TP.
What works for me may not work for you, but a calm and pleasant demeanor is the most important thing I take to a visit with my mother. Earlier on when she moved to the care home, she was often upset and agitated by my visits. I was a trigger for her anxiety and had to be very careful or she could get extremely upset.
When she moved to the care home, I didn't visit her at all for about two months, although my husband went. When I did begin visiting I never went alone, never stayed long, left if she became agitated (first I'd try "going to the toilet" or just stepping out of her sight for a few minutes, but if she stayed upset, I'd leave), stayed in public areas as much as possible, got the staff to distract her when I left if needed, and so on. I always took something to give to her, always food, and maybe a book or magazine or some toiletries. Gifts (bribes) are always welcome and tend to put her in a good mood up front.
Maybe something here will be helpful, and very best wishes to you. Please let us know how you get on.
I would suggest you time your visit for a "good" part of the day, when she won't be too tired, sundowning, in pain and so on. For my mother, the sweet spot is 10 or 11-1, and never past 5 pm, although she can sundown as early as 3 pm.
Leave your coat and bag in the car, so that you don't give off "leaving" signals by gathering them up. Don't do an emotional or protracted farewell. I never say "goodbye" or reference a specific day that I'll return, just say, cheerfully, "see you soon!" I learned all this from TP.
What works for me may not work for you, but a calm and pleasant demeanor is the most important thing I take to a visit with my mother. Earlier on when she moved to the care home, she was often upset and agitated by my visits. I was a trigger for her anxiety and had to be very careful or she could get extremely upset.
When she moved to the care home, I didn't visit her at all for about two months, although my husband went. When I did begin visiting I never went alone, never stayed long, left if she became agitated (first I'd try "going to the toilet" or just stepping out of her sight for a few minutes, but if she stayed upset, I'd leave), stayed in public areas as much as possible, got the staff to distract her when I left if needed, and so on. I always took something to give to her, always food, and maybe a book or magazine or some toiletries. Gifts (bribes) are always welcome and tend to put her in a good mood up front.
Maybe something here will be helpful, and very best wishes to you. Please let us know how you get on.
It wasn’t a rule by the home but because mom really doesn’t want to be there I asked what they, with 25 years of experience, would suggest. They said enjoy my week and don’t visit. Her mental health nurse who used to visit at home every week went to see her so she’s had A friendly face and I trust the home. I just miss her.
I’m expecting her to be angry with me as I’m a trigger for her anyway. I was thinking of going before lunch for a short visit on Monday as the home don’t allow visitors at meal times on a general basis and she loves food and won’t want to miss it.
She’s not allowed many treats as she’s on insulin but I was going to take some things I know she can have.
I read about the coat and bag and will use it as a tactic. I have managed to slip out twice on the day I took her the staff were great. I’m more worried about making her worse because of my visit.
Thank you though x
Once you are able to visit again you will feel better.
When you do and visit, make it a short visit in the early stages. I used to time it so that I could leave when mum had her mid-day meal to occupy her. I didnt bring my coat and bag in with me either - I used to leave them in the managers office and I didnt say goodbye either. Later on, once mum had settled I was able to say goodbye to her and she used to like to come to the door to see me out and wave goodbye, just like she used to in her old home, but this was only after many months.
When you first go and see her please watch your body language as PWDs are usually very good at picking up if you are upset and this can trigger them off. Do not cry in front of her. Staple a bright smile on your face and go in with with a breezy up-beat isnt-this-all-very-nice attitude. Mums mood would often mirror mine, so if I seemed up-beat and happy she would usually be too. You might like to take a little treat in - sweets or cake maybe. Afterwards, go and do something nice like having lunch at a cafe or going shopping.
When you do and visit, make it a short visit in the early stages. I used to time it so that I could leave when mum had her mid-day meal to occupy her. I didnt bring my coat and bag in with me either - I used to leave them in the managers office and I didnt say goodbye either. Later on, once mum had settled I was able to say goodbye to her and she used to like to come to the door to see me out and wave goodbye, just like she used to in her old home, but this was only after many months.
When you first go and see her please watch your body language as PWDs are usually very good at picking up if you are upset and this can trigger them off. Do not cry in front of her. Staple a bright smile on your face and go in with with a breezy up-beat isnt-this-all-very-nice attitude. Mums mood would often mirror mine, so if I seemed up-beat and happy she would usually be too. You might like to take a little treat in - sweets or cake maybe. Afterwards, go and do something nice like having lunch at a cafe or going shopping.
'Rule' should have read 'advice'...didn't convey my thoughts adequately. I would think most pwd would not want to be in a home and of course you miss her. I found the first few months for dad very upsetting but sadly there is no way round the settling in time but folk on here have good suggestions to help you
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I really do need to see her. I’ve informed the home that I will visit tomorrow and they were happy for that to happen. X
Thanks for the advice x
I think it all depends on how you feel yourself about visiting. I just had to see my mum nearly every day she was in care as if I didn’t I felt I was abandoning her and could not bear the thought of her thinking I had. I know in hindsight it was probably the wrong thing to do as she never settled in the whole year she was in the care home, although the care staff used to tell me she was fine when I wasn’t there. I know I would have fretted not seeing her but my visits were difficult and I used to leave and cry buckets in the car on the way home. It was the lesser of two evils for me, it upset me to visit and seeing her so unhappy but I just felt I had to see her as I knew that I would not have her in my life for much longer. I think also I just couldn’t make that break away from caring although I knew deep down she was getting excellent care and most importantly she was safe.
I would have gone every day if they hadn’t advised against it. She’s not exactly settled but it has only been a week. I am expecting her to have a go at me and to think she’s going home. I’m going to have to sneak out when she’s eating lunch so won’t get to say goodbye.
I’m taking gifts and some of her things that she likes in the hope that she’s not as angry with me.
I just want her to be happy.
Sometimes thats just not possible, whatever you do as the unhappiness is internal and due to the dementia
Sounds like you have a good plan for visiting her. Dont forget to be very bright and positive and keep changing the subject if she starts on the "want to go home loop", or decide to go to the loo if it doesnt work. Dont worry about not saying goodbye - I wasnt able to for a very long time.
It might work out better than you fear
xx
I hope your first visit goes smoothly but be ready to distract, change the conversation or cut your first visit short if your mum gets angry. Try and maintain a smile even if she gets angry and cook to the loo to break up the angry moment. I used to find Dad's vulnerable little boy voice and tears harder to accept than his anger...angry dad even with arms flapping at me and the verbal aggression just made me realise how ill he was and I developed a very thick skin. Unfortunately I could never say dad was happy once dementia took hold...he gained an acceptance of his NH as he declined and this could be said probably for many.
First visit over with. I arrived and took some things to her room.
I got a hug followed by so you’re here to pick me up at last. Quickly changed subject. I did have to say we had no heating at one point. She hates being cold so thought it would make her want to stay there.
I sat her down for lunch then said I was taking some things to her room then snuck out.
It wasn’t too bad apart from the constant asking to go home.
I feel better for seeing her knowing that she’s well and hasn’t had the arguments that she would have had here with me.
Hopefully this means I can visit a little more will speak to the home later and see how she was after I left. X
I got a hug followed by so you’re here to pick me up at last. Quickly changed subject. I did have to say we had no heating at one point. She hates being cold so thought it would make her want to stay there.
I sat her down for lunch then said I was taking some things to her room then snuck out.
It wasn’t too bad apart from the constant asking to go home.
I feel better for seeing her knowing that she’s well and hasn’t had the arguments that she would have had here with me.
Hopefully this means I can visit a little more will speak to the home later and see how she was after I left. X
That sounds a positive first visit. I always adopted the attitude with visiting my dad...expect the worst hope for the best...as no two visits seemed to be the same and then I hadn't built up my hopes too high only to be disappointed.
Thank you for the update, and I'm glad it went better than you feared. It's good to hear that you found her looking well, and it sounds as though you avoided major upset. That's great!
I was a trigger for my mother's anger and upset. I'm an only child, so I suppose it makes sense, plus we never had a good relationship.
That was why I didn't visit my mother for such a long time after she moved into the care home, as it was sure to trigger her. Move in day was horrid beyond belief and the nurse manager said she'd never seen anything quite like it (not reassuring). But, against all our expectations, my mother settled well, and fairly quickly, and was much more content in her care home than she ever had been at home, for years prior.
My visits at first would sometimes, but not always, trigger the upset and nasty comments. I learned things to do (take gifts, distract, maintain very carefully positive and calm body language, demeanor, and tone of voice), and things to not do (not mention certain topics, not stay too long, not accept commands to come to her room for a chat, not be alone with her).
As time went on, I was able to stay for longer visits, visit alone, and so on. We do have to carefully listen for her cue for us to leave, especially if she is tired or in pain, and just go, even if we have only been there briefly.
She hasn't said anything nasty, or gotten distressed by my visits, in well over a year now, maybe longer. So it can pass.
I also had to learn coping techniques for me, for the visits. Music in the car, breathing exercises to stay calm, a lot of strategic retreats to the toilet, planning something pleasant for me after a difficult visit with her, and so on. I can talk more about that if you like.
Three years after she moved in, I still get upset about visits, but not as much or as often, and I have less dread and stress about them overall.
I hope it can be better for you, also.
I was a trigger for my mother's anger and upset. I'm an only child, so I suppose it makes sense, plus we never had a good relationship.
That was why I didn't visit my mother for such a long time after she moved into the care home, as it was sure to trigger her. Move in day was horrid beyond belief and the nurse manager said she'd never seen anything quite like it (not reassuring). But, against all our expectations, my mother settled well, and fairly quickly, and was much more content in her care home than she ever had been at home, for years prior.
My visits at first would sometimes, but not always, trigger the upset and nasty comments. I learned things to do (take gifts, distract, maintain very carefully positive and calm body language, demeanor, and tone of voice), and things to not do (not mention certain topics, not stay too long, not accept commands to come to her room for a chat, not be alone with her).
As time went on, I was able to stay for longer visits, visit alone, and so on. We do have to carefully listen for her cue for us to leave, especially if she is tired or in pain, and just go, even if we have only been there briefly.
She hasn't said anything nasty, or gotten distressed by my visits, in well over a year now, maybe longer. So it can pass.
I also had to learn coping techniques for me, for the visits. Music in the car, breathing exercises to stay calm, a lot of strategic retreats to the toilet, planning something pleasant for me after a difficult visit with her, and so on. I can talk more about that if you like.
Three years after she moved in, I still get upset about visits, but not as much or as often, and I have less dread and stress about them overall.
I hope it can be better for you, also.
Im glad the first visit went OK
You will probably find that they vary considerably, certainly to start with, but this is a good start for early stages, Sounds like you handled it well.
You will probably find that they vary considerably, certainly to start with, but this is a good start for early stages, Sounds like you handled it well.
