My wife has been in a home for six years . She now has no concept of anything at all but seems happy. Have I done my job? Can I see to myself now and move on? I am 73 and would like a new full relationship before I die. Am I asking too much.? Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
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Hello Nordholm
The question of 'moving on ' is a very emotive subject
It can mean different things to different people
for example you refer in your post to a ‘ new full relationship’
You will note in the posts so far that most are lady members , and they mainly support your wish to moving on , but tend to shy away from answering your question of a ‘full relationship’
I apologise if I am wrong but to me this assumes that from the beginning you would seek a relationship that would lead either to an ‘affair’ or an open relationship where you are happy for other people to be aware of your commitment
I can sympathise with you and all other members who suffer the heartache and frustration of your marriage being in limbo
I was ‘lucky’ I managed to look after my wife at home until her death 5 years ago , we were married for 60years . and for much of the time since her death I continue to have regrets ,and wish we could have had a closer relationship in the last twenty years of our marriage
I obviously don’t know the details of your marriage , but if you heed the words of an old man ‘
By all means seek the company of other people by joining some of the many clubs available , you deserve it ., but avoid the temptation of seeking from the beginning a full relationship ‘
In recent years I have enjoyed the company of both male and female friends without the need for a ‘fuller relationship ‘ it tends to help in part to fill the void of losing your wife either through death or the forceful separation of dementia
I am very much aware of the guilt complex in relation to marriage and dementia ( AD) but I am also very conscious of my marriage vows and the many years my wife consciously devoted her life to me and our children
Without putting too much emphasis the wedding vow ‘Till death us do part’
: It's taken from the book of common prayer for weddings. What it means is that you are spiritually married until death of one of the spouses.
This is why, for example, a Catholic who is widowed can get married again in the church, whereas, someone who was divorced cannot. You did not live up to the sacred vow
( I am a roman catholic by the way)
Your feelings are understandable , but in seeking a more fulfilling lifestyle please do not readily chance the inevitable guilt conscience that will come with a ‘full relationship ‘ whilst your wife is living in the hell of dementia
I wish you all the best for your future
jimbo