Male Alzheimer's Spouses - where are they?

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Nordholm123, Sep 11, 2015.

  1. Nordholm123

    Nordholm123 Registered User

    Mar 2, 2012
    12
    Merseyside
    My wife has been in a home for six years . She now has no concept of anything at all but seems happy. Have I done my job? Can I see to myself now and move on? I am 73 and would like a new full relationship before I die. Am I asking too much.? Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.


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  2. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,333
    Pontypool
    I don't think you're asking too much to allow yourself to live the rest of your life as you want while you still have the chance. If I'm honest I have similar thoughts even though my husband is still at home because there is nothing left of the relationship we had and it would be lovely to have support and someone to share things with again. You've only got the one life.


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  3. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    Like Jinx my husband is still at home but if he were in a home as your wife is I know I would take the opportunity to live my life for me. So I would say you will feel guilty at times but you need to do this for you. Another relationship, don't think I would do that but each to their own and only because one has been more than enough for me. I would want the freedom to do as I please ,when I please . Wishing you all the very best.
     
  4. Tiller Girl

    Tiller Girl Registered User

    May 14, 2012
    91
    I know when my father was looking after my mother, he developed a friendship with a lady he'd been engaged to before he was married. They used to phone each other and when my mother passed away, they used to go on holiday together. I think he would have liked it to go further but she was happy living in her own.

    I didn't have a problem with it. We're only here once and he supported my mother so much that I thought he deserved a bit of happiness.
     
  5. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    4,591
    Scotland
    You only have one life, enjoy it.
     
  6. JigJog

    JigJog Registered User

    Nov 6, 2013
    241
    Oh Nordholm123. You go for it! Grab any chance of happiness that you can. Get rid of that guilt. It's time to live your life for you now, don't waste your chances.

    Like 1Mindy, my husband is still at home, but should that time come for him to move into a home, I wouldn't want another full relationship. I would want the freedom to do what I want, when I want. But each to his own and who knows, I may feel very different should that time come.

    Best Wishes to you,

    JigJog x
     
  7. Mal2

    Mal2 Registered User

    Oct 14, 2014
    2,967
    Enfield
    Don't feel guilty, I'm sure your wife wouldn't want you to be alone and unhappy.

    Like Mindy, JigJog and Jinx, my husband is still with me at home, and I hope it continues for a long time, but, one never knows what tomorrow brings. Like your wife, he doesn't comprehend much, but is happy in himself.

    We did have a chat. long before the dementia arrived, and both said to each other, if anything occurred (like it has now) we would want the other one to find a new life and happiness. We didn't want each other to be lonely and miserable. He was quite specific on that point, and would have been appalled at what I have to do for him now. It was always, don't lift that or don't do that, I will do it.

    So go and join local clubs, bowls, take up cycling, go on coach trips, etc. Meet new people, you are still young, you have to get out there to see what the world has to offer.

    I wish you all the best, and we would all like to know how you get on. Good Luck:)
     
  8. Padraig

    Padraig Registered User

    Dec 10, 2009
    1,039
    Hereford
    Each to their own. There is no one to compare with my late wife. We lived a full life and the beauty of that life lives on in our children, their children and great Grandchildren.
     
  9. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    I'm with Padraig-but that is just how I feel. I'm not judging anyone. If a person feels that is for them-well go ahead:) I would be a nightmare to have a relationship with:D I would be forever comparing the person to Pete-so I would make another potential partner very unhappy:( I'm 'only' 57 and I have to say it's never entered my mind to have another relationship.

    I hope if it happens for you it will be successful and brings you happiness.

    Take care

    Lyn T
     
  10. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,650
    North West
    Not sure how you came up with this thread title. How does it relate to what you've written?
     
  11. gringo

    gringo Registered User

    Feb 1, 2012
    1,189
    UK.
    "Groom: I,____, take thee,_____, to be my wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth."
    Doesn't say "unless you get dementia".
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,352
    Kent
    Fair weather friends!
    Fair weather husbands!
    Fair weather wives!
    Fair weather people!
    It takes all sorts. Each to his own.
     
  13. nitram

    nitram Registered User

    Apr 6, 2011
    18,905
    Male
    North Manchester
    Snap, Gringo.

    I actually felt privileged to care for my wife and best friend and feel sure that she would have done the same for me.
     
  14. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,650
    North West
    I feel the same way nitram.

    But everyone has to make their own decisions in these matters.
     
  15. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    My 'problem' is I still feel very much married; I don't think of myself as being widowed.:confused:
     
  16. Padraig

    Padraig Registered User

    Dec 10, 2009
    1,039
    Hereford
    One painful lesson I learned 38 years ago; there is no tomorrow until it arrives. Death arrives without warning. Make the best of the present moment. Be thankful for each day you are gifted and try to have no regrets.

    Interestingly my daughter once said to me: "If my husband passed away I'd not marry again. One is enough to look after, to cook, the washing, ironing and cleaning etc.," that makes sense to me.
     
  17. Mal2

    Mal2 Registered User

    Oct 14, 2014
    2,967
    Enfield
    #17 Mal2, Sep 12, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2015
    Haven't spoken to you in since May, when I was feeling sorry for myself on our anniversary, you kindly responded (as did others) I hope you are ok and things are looking brighter for you.

    I can understand everyone's point of view, I cannot see myself with anyone else. But, everyone is different and I understand people being lonely and wanting company. It is such a sad situation, with no time to say our goodbyes, one minute, our partners are chatting with us and we think we have all the time in the world, too soon they don't understand what is going on. All the things I want to say to Stan - now too late. At least we all have our precious memories
     
  18. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,760
    Salford
    Just for the record other types of men are available:)
    K
     
  19. Eleonora

    Eleonora Registered User

    Dec 21, 2012
    171
    Abingdon Oxfordshire
    I am a 76, year old, female carer; and for eight years, day and night, I have looked after my dear man; who is now well and truly into in the last stage of dementia .

    Every now and then, I catch a glimpse of the man he used to be, and I remember how much I've always loved him.

    Mostly, of course, he has no idea who, or what I am.

    I would find it impossible to be unfaithful, (even in spirit) to him, even at this late stage of our lives. I'm afraid that I'm in for the duration!

    'ain't love a b****r?
     
  20. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    I'm with you there Lyn, but, as you have said previously, everyone has to make their own decision.

    I met a neighbour last week and was asked if I had booked a holiday, so I could meet a nice man!!! There is nothing further from my mind. I have booked a holiday to take my dog to the seaside!!
     

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