Male Alzheimer's Spouses - where are they?

[JigJog]

Fair weather friends!
Fair weather husbands!
Fair weather wives!
Fair weather people!
It takes all sorts. Each to his own.

Oooooo.........that seems a little harsh considering some of the folks who have posted have already been caring for their loved one for over 10 years.

Definition: A fair weather friend is only a friend when circumstances are pleasant or profitable. At the first sign of trouble, these capricious, disloyal friends will drop their relationship with you.

As I said..........a little harsh.

But I agree.........each to his own.

 

[LYN T]

I'm with you there Lyn, but, as you have said previously, everyone has to make their own decision.

I met a neighbour last week and was asked if I had booked a holiday, so I could meet a nice man!!! There is nothing further from my mind. I have booked a holiday to take my dog to the seaside!!

Hi Jan

Well done for booking that holiday-we both know how hard that is. I'm looking at booking a holiday for myself, BB and Cindy in the springtime-I've thought of going to the Scilly Islands.

A 'nice man'? Well we both had those and look how that ended No need to tempt fate twice

Love to you and Dougal

Lyn T XX

 

[Kevinl]

A 'nice man'? Well we both had those and look how that ended No need to tempt fate twice

Strange thing to say, it almost sounds like you're blaming him for getting ill.
K

 

[Grannie G]

Oooooo.........that seems a little harsh considering some of the folks who have posted have already been caring for their loved one for over 10 years.
.

Sorry you find it harsh. I wasn`t judging, just making a comment. And I did say each to his own.

My husband had dementia for at least 15 years.

 

[garnuft]

Just for the record other types of men are available
K

That made me laugh.

I don't think Lyn was suggesting she blamed her husband for his illness though.

I didn't think your comment was harsh, Sylvia, simply proffering your opinion.




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[Spamar]

Lyn, you will love the Scillies! It's one of my favourite holiday places. We've had 4 holidays there and 3 day trips at various times. Think country life about 50 years ago! Lots of walking and you have to take a boat to other islands. OH always wanted to go and live there.

 

[jimbo 111]

My wife has been in a home for six years . She now has no concept of anything at all but seems happy. Have I done my job? Can I see to myself now and move on? I am 73 and would like a new full relationship before I die. Am I asking too much.? Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.


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Hello Nordholm

The question of 'moving on ' is a very emotive subject
It can mean different things to different people
for example you refer in your post to a ‘ new full relationship’
You will note in the posts so far that most are lady members , and they mainly support your wish to moving on , but tend to shy away from answering your question of a ‘full relationship’
I apologise if I am wrong but to me this assumes that from the beginning you would seek a relationship that would lead either to an ‘affair’ or an open relationship where you are happy for other people to be aware of your commitment
I can sympathise with you and all other members who suffer the heartache and frustration of your marriage being in limbo
I was ‘lucky’ I managed to look after my wife at home until her death 5 years ago , we were married for 60years . and for much of the time since her death I continue to have regrets ,and wish we could have had a closer relationship in the last twenty years of our marriage

I obviously don’t know the details of your marriage , but if you heed the words of an old man ‘
By all means seek the company of other people by joining some of the many clubs available , you deserve it ., but avoid the temptation of seeking from the beginning a full relationship ‘
In recent years I have enjoyed the company of both male and female friends without the need for a ‘fuller relationship ‘ it tends to help in part to fill the void of losing your wife either through death or the forceful separation of dementia
I am very much aware of the guilt complex in relation to marriage and dementia ( AD) but I am also very conscious of my marriage vows and the many years my wife consciously devoted her life to me and our children
Without putting too much emphasis the wedding vow ‘Till death us do part’
: It's taken from the book of common prayer for weddings. What it means is that you are spiritually married until death of one of the spouses.

This is why, for example, a Catholic who is widowed can get married again in the church, whereas, someone who was divorced cannot. You did not live up to the sacred vow
( I am a roman catholic by the way)
Your feelings are understandable , but in seeking a more fulfilling lifestyle please do not readily chance the inevitable guilt conscience that will come with a ‘full relationship ‘ whilst your wife is living in the hell of dementia
I wish you all the best for your future
jimbo

 

[Suzanna1969]

There is an awful lot of judgement here, even if it's not intended. People are saying 'Each to their own' but I don't think they really believe it or they have already made up their own minds.

Nordholm has given his all to care for his wife who is now living in a home, she is happy, she is looked after, she is safe. I am sure he will continue to be there for her, visit her, care for her, love her. He is not abandoning her, neglecting her or tormenting her in any way. But she is at the end stage of her life, however long that stage may be.

Nordholm clearly is not. Why should he give up on life and give up the prospect of grabbing a little happiness IF he meets someone who can give him that? I am sure he is not contemplating going to a Swingers' Club or embarking on a wildly promiscuous lifestyle!!! (but if he was I wouldn't judge him on that either, when I say 'each to their own I actually mean it!) It's just that he is not ruling out the possibility of a 'full' relationship if the circumstances are right.

The fact is that some people of an indeterminate age just don't have any interest in being physical with another person and other people do. Both options are fine and dandy, both preferences should be respected.

Nobody has the right to say that another person should deny themselves a full relationship if they want it. I say, Nordholm, you've obviously thought this through, make sure you are mindful of your feelings at every stage AND of the other person's (or persons'!!!) feelings but, essentially, GO FOR IT! You deserve happiness, especially after what you've been through and will continue to go through.

 

[garnuft]

.

 

[garnuft]

There's an awful lot of assumptions and judgements in the above post.

Pot, kettle, black?



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[jan.s]

Nobody has the right to say that another person should deny themselves a full relationship if they want it.

I was one who responded that such a step is not for me, even though my husband has passed away. That is my decision, for my own life. It is not for me to make such a decision, or indeed pass judgement, on another person. We are all free to make our own choices in life.

If a new relationship makes another happy, then great, go grab it; for me, it wouldn't give me pleasure. As Lyn T has said, I still feel married!

I would say though, that if I were Nordholm, and felt sure that a new relationship were right for me, with no doubts or guilt, I wouldn't need to post on here. He does say he feels guilty, and therefore seems to be seeking other people's views.

 

[jan.s]

Hi Lyn, yes, Dougal and I are staying in an apartment over a beach cafe on the south coast, so we can look out to sea, and enjoy some peace and solitude. I am very much looking forward to have time to draw, paint, read and walk along the sands with my little furry friend! Thankfully I am quite happy with my own company. x

 

[Raggedrobin]

Going back to the original post, my feeling is this. Going out and living life to the full is a good thing to do and you should have no guilt about that but I think best to start with baby steps; just make lots of friends, rekindle old interests and friends and make new ones and enjoy everything life has to offer. All guilt free.

As for a relationship with a woman, I think there are two considerations. You are still married and this will perhaps impact on the person you wish to get together with. Not everyone will feel morally comfortable being with someone who has a wife who is still alive. Then you have to think about how you might feel about breaking your vows. i don't know what I'd do in your situation but I know I wouldn't be comfortable being with someone who had a husband or wife alive but in a home.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

My wife has been in a home for six years . She now has no concept of anything at all but seems happy. Have I done my job? Can I see to myself now and move on? I am 73 and would like a new full relationship before I die. Am I asking too much.? Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.


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How often do you see her Nordholm Are you sure she knows NOTHING?

 

[LYN T]

Strange thing to say, it almost sounds like you're blaming him for getting ill.
K

re post #23. I wasn't.

 

[Lawson58]

It seems to me that Nordholm is still interested in having a physical relationship with someone which he apparently has not had for a number of years. I suspect that this has exposed some rather rigid attitudes of others on TP that are in conflict with Christian notions of compassion, understanding and forgiveness.

There are a couple of points that Nordholm needs to think about, the first being that obviously he cannot reconcile what he wants with his own ideas of what would be the right thing to do. And whatever he does, he is the one who is going to have to live with his decision so let's not be too judgmental about it.

Perhaps he also should give some thought as to how an older woman would respond to having a relationship with a gentleman in his situation. I think a lot of women would feel distinctly uncomfortable about it.

And why do people think that because they promised 'Till death......etc' that everybody else has to abide by that? I was not married in a Christian ceremony and certainly our promises did not include that or anything like it and I would resent anyone telling me that I have to live my life by someone else's standards or so called morals.

I personally would have no interest in another relationship as I don't have the time or energy to invest in one and am perfectly happy with my own company. I treasure my solitude.

Perhaps we have merely added to Nordholm's confusion rather than helping him.

 

[Countryboy]

"Groom: I,____, take thee,_____, to be my wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth."
Doesn't say "unless you get dementia".

I agree gringo poor dementia suffers just an excuse to commit adultery

Probably all the replies to this thread are people who don’t themselves have a dementia diagnoses
But I expect there hundreds who read these threads who Do suffer with dementia would be a bit shocked and upset when they see the loved one comments

 

[gringo]

I suspect that this has exposed some rather rigid attitudes of others on TP that are in conflict with Christian notions of compassion, understanding and forgiveness.

Rigid attitudes? Expecting people to stand by their word is now considered rigid is it? I’ve lived too long. If that’s your kind of world, you’re welcome to it.

And why do people think that because they promised 'Till death......etc' that everybody else has to abide by that? I was not married in a Christian ceremony and certainly our promises did not include that or anything like it and I would resent anyone telling me that I have to live my life by someone else's standards or so called morals.

Put your resentment away. Those who make vows should be expected to keep them, those who make no vows obviously have none to keep, and can play fast and loose as they wish.

 

[jan.s]

I was not married in a Christian ceremony ...

Neither was I, but I stood by my vows to be loyal and faithful.

 

[Mal2]

I am a 76, year old, female carer; and for eight years, day and night, I have looked after my dear man; who is now well and truly into in the last stage of dementia .

Every now and then, I catch a glimpse of the man he used to be, and I remember how much I've always loved him.

Mostly, of course, he has no idea who, or what I am.

I would find it impossible to be unfaithful, (even in spirit) to him, even at this late stage of our lives. I'm afraid that I'm in for the duration!

'ain't love a b****r?

I am the same as you. Looked after Stan for 12 years, he too is in the later stages of dementia. There are occasions when I get a few loving words from him, which is lovely. He still calls my name, sometimes forgets and asks me what it is. Like you I see the man he used to be, and, then get upset because it has all been stolen away from us. Happily when he wakes, there is always a beaming smile for me and sometimes a "Hello Darling, how are you" which is wonderful. I hope it will long continue.

I do understand Nordholm's problem, his wife doesn't know him and has been in the home for 6 years. He would probably feel different if she was at home with him, he doesn't say how many years he had her at home, caring for her until circumstances changed for them. He doesn't say, if he met someone, that he would stop going to see his wife or that he would abandon her.

People get lonely and is he supposed to stay that way for the rest of his life? It's not something I would want to do, but everyone is different. I cannot be judgmental about this situation, if everyone agreed on everything, what a wonderful world this would be.