Thanks Mal for getting the thread back into 'supportive territory' which I think is what TP is all about. Northolm asked a perfectly reasonable question. I can't quite understand all the heat, from both sides of the argument.
Male Alzheimer's Spouses - where are they?
- Thread starter Nordholm123
- Start date
Hi JigJog
Yes I agree, I have looked after my husband for over 12 years. Not something for me, but, I cannot speak for others, agreed each to his own.
I can see I haven`t helped by my post and apologise if I`ve caused anyone distress.
I can only say I posted in sentiment . I`d give anything to have my husband back and be able to care for him. I haven`t needed any anyone to take his place since he died and I certainly didn`t need anyone to take his place while he was alive.
There are many Threads on TP about `invisibles`; those friends and families who become absentees when dementia strikes. They are the fair weather people.
I`m guilty of comparing them to those contemplating a relationship outside marriage. It is only my point of view and Nordholm123 did ask for opinions.
Once again I apologise. There is a place for all opinions and all needs. There are no rights and wrongs, it`s a matter of personal choice.
I can only say I posted in sentiment . I`d give anything to have my husband back and be able to care for him. I haven`t needed any anyone to take his place since he died and I certainly didn`t need anyone to take his place while he was alive.
There are many Threads on TP about `invisibles`; those friends and families who become absentees when dementia strikes. They are the fair weather people.
I`m guilty of comparing them to those contemplating a relationship outside marriage. It is only my point of view and Nordholm123 did ask for opinions.
Once again I apologise. There is a place for all opinions and all needs. There are no rights and wrongs, it`s a matter of personal choice.
Thanks, but it is just my personal opinion, cannot speak for others.
I'm in tears most days when I look at my darling man and cannot tell him all the things I want to, because he doesn't understand. I do feel he knows I am close and he still has feelings for me, which he doesn't show to others. Like saying, give me a kiss and a crafty grab down my top (some things do not change
) I class myself as lucky. Long may it reign.Don't beat yourself up Grannie G
Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I am sure we all understand, and yes there are the absentees, when some kind of illness crops up. It's like winning the lottery and suddenly there are friends and relations one didn't know they had, only in reverse. Take care, hugs
Hi Sylvia
For what it's worth your original post did not seem offensive to me
I've bolded the above because that is exactly how I feel.
Love
Lyn T XX
There may well be Tony.
However, there are many, who, like my husband (he jokingly said one, if I get like that shoot me.) do not want their partners to go through a living grief and sorrow. They just want them to be happy. My husband would be appalled at what I have to do for him everyday.
If the roll had been reversed. I would want him to have some happiness, not to endure this living hell. that we all go through everyday, breaking our hearts.
Maybe some people in the early stages of dementia, reading this thread, will let you know their opinions.
Nordholm, it's nobody's else's business.
If you, the (hypothetical) lady in question and, importantly imo, your children are comfortable with any new friendship/relationship, and you continue to fully support your wife in the CH, then why should you feel guilty?
A word of caution though...please don't let loneliness cloud your judgment. Not all potential new partners are always quite what they might appear at first. A couple of members of my family married for a second time in haste and repented at leisure.
If you, the (hypothetical) lady in question and, importantly imo, your children are comfortable with any new friendship/relationship, and you continue to fully support your wife in the CH, then why should you feel guilty?
A word of caution though...please don't let loneliness cloud your judgment. Not all potential new partners are always quite what they might appear at first. A couple of members of my family married for a second time in haste and repented at leisure.
I watched Lady Chatterley's Lover the other day. In that, the husband's war wounds meant he was unable to have children and he pretty much told his wife to have sex with another man so he could have an heir. He didn't like the fact she chose the gamekeeper on the estate.
My point about mentioning this is that there are always going to be situations where there are understandable reasons for having other relationships.
I had a relationship with two men at the same time (who both knew about the other) in my teenage years and they can work if you are honest to all parties and honest to yourself. I've been married to one for 22 years and we are still 'facebook friends' with the other one! I think this situation is different because your wife will not know and therefore cannot consent. You must think about all the times where she has expressed her views on marriage and happiness and decide from there.
If I was in that situation and had the opportunity of a more complete relationship (I don't mean sexual, I mean emotional) I would take it - it would be important that the other person knew and accepted my heart was also with my husband and that I would continue to see him as often etc.
My point about mentioning this is that there are always going to be situations where there are understandable reasons for having other relationships.
I had a relationship with two men at the same time (who both knew about the other) in my teenage years and they can work if you are honest to all parties and honest to yourself. I've been married to one for 22 years and we are still 'facebook friends' with the other one! I think this situation is different because your wife will not know and therefore cannot consent. You must think about all the times where she has expressed her views on marriage and happiness and decide from there.
If I was in that situation and had the opportunity of a more complete relationship (I don't mean sexual, I mean emotional) I would take it - it would be important that the other person knew and accepted my heart was also with my husband and that I would continue to see him as often etc.
though often difficult to findJust for the record other types of men are available
K
It's such an interesting topic. On one hand.. you have to cope with losing someone you love and realizing that he/she has become a shell of what he/she once was. On the other hand, is it unfair on you.. unfair on them, at the end of the day - there is no clear right or wrong, only opinions and what you decide to do.
Such an emotive subject which is why it provokes such strong responses I think. Only one half of a couple is ill, and it's not a short illness leading to a bereavement, a period of grieving and then recovery for the person who is left. It goes on and on and essentially the person you loved is lost to you mentally and emotionally long before they leave you physically- hence this debate. I don't think we would be having this discussion if we were talking about another disease which destroys the body but leaves the personality intact. The only thing I could compare it with would be if a spouse suffered brain damage and had to be in a care home for years unable to remember or recognize their spouse. What would we say then. Should both be denied a 'normal' life and marriage because one of them is ill? Is that not a terrible waste of two lives? It's a hard question and I don't know that there is a right answer - each person really does have to decide for themselves
I think what was meant was that if one member of the couple was unable to have a meaningful relationship but the other wanted to be part of a relationship this is how it could be conceived. Not that choosing to be alone is wasting your life x
Blimey, I go away for a few days, and come back to this thread! Each of us only has our own opinion. For example, I found every single person I encountered on my train journeys, absolutely lovely, helping me on and off trains, fetching me coffee, carrying my case, assisting me as much as they possibly could. And this applied to both staff and other commuters.
So my opinion, at the moment, is that all train staff and commuters are great. Like LYN, I consider myself still married - it's just that John has died. I love companionship, and should I ever be lucky enough to meet someone, of either gender, who enjoyed the same things as I did, I would welcome them as a friend.
For me, friendship and companionship would be enough. But I might feel differently in the future. Who knows? If John had been in a Care Home for 6 years instead of 6 months, my views might have been different during his stay. I certainly can't envisage men queuing up in the future, to woo me, what with my arthritis, bunions, dodgy knees and feet and rotator-cuffed right arm, but should they, I'll let you know.
So my opinion, at the moment, is that all train staff and commuters are great.
Like LYN, I consider myself still married - it's just that John has died. I love companionship, and should I ever be lucky enough to meet someone, of either gender, who enjoyed the same things as I did, I would welcome them as a friend.For me, friendship and companionship would be enough. But I might feel differently in the future. Who knows? If John had been in a Care Home for 6 years instead of 6 months, my views might have been different during his stay. I certainly can't envisage men queuing up in the future, to woo me, what with my arthritis, bunions, dodgy knees and feet and rotator-cuffed right arm, but should they, I'll let you know.
I certainly can't envisage men queuing up in the future, to woo me, what with my arthritis, bunions, dodgy knees and feet and rotator-cuffed right arm, but should they, I'll let you know.
You need to work on the sales pitch a bit Scarlett
Meanwhile form a queue behind me guysIt's just "different strokes for different folks", Words like adultery get bandied about but in a world where wife swapping and swingers clubs exist who's to say?
I do what I can morally justify to myself, I'm the only person I have to answer to, same for us all I expect.
K
Three questions need to be asked surely.
1.Is it Ok to have a relationship outside marriage if the other spouse will remain forever in ignorance?
2. Do you as an individual have a right to your own happiness & when should you exercise that right?
One way of looking at it is to remember that when it comes to divorce law,if one is separated on the grounds you have not lived together for 5 years then you would be free to look for happiness as the marriage is deemed to have broken down.
1.Is it Ok to have a relationship outside marriage if the other spouse will remain forever in ignorance?
2. Do you as an individual have a right to your own happiness & when should you exercise that right?
One way of looking at it is to remember that when it comes to divorce law,if one is separated on the grounds you have not lived together for 5 years then you would be free to look for happiness as the marriage is deemed to have broken down.
