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just lost my mum

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by webby123, Mar 14, 2016.

  1. webby123

    webby123 Registered User

    Mar 14, 2016
    161
    its just over a week since i lost my mum who was my world,i had cared for her for nearly 10 years with dementia with little or no help,in the daytime i keep really busy but night time i find it so hard,i am on my own and find myself going to bed early,i do have friends and a brother but prefer to stay here in my house where i spent over 50 years with mum,im totally heartbroken and miss her so much and cant see my life getting any better,its so quiet here:(
     
  2. LadyA

    LadyA Volunteer Host

    Oct 19, 2009
    11,840
    Ireland
    Sorry for your loss webby. A week is no time at all. And while, with time - more time than we expect - living with the loss does become easier, and we do adjust to this "new normal ", there are no short cuts. Grief has to do its work. At this point, you probably need some time alone, but I would say too, be careful not to become isolated. And get plenty of rest.
     
  3. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,734
    I am so sorry. I lost my Mum a year ago and all I can say to you is that it really does get easier, the good memories start to return and life gets easier. I agree with Lady A do try not to become too isolated, I had to really push myself but it is worth pushing through that barrier.

    Take care and keep posting xxx
     
  4. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,810
    Ireland

    Am so sorry Webby. A week is so short. You are totally shocked, exhausted, bewildered and grieving. Be gentle with yourself. If your brother lives near you, keep close contact with him.

    Give yourself time to grieve. Please get a little noise into your home if you can cope with this. TV on low, radio etc. only if it helps you.

    Why not ring a friend tomorrow and meet?

    Sending you support and love,

    Aisling
     
  5. Babymare01

    Babymare01 Registered User

    Apr 22, 2015
    227
    Hello there - I just wanted to firstly say you are in my thoughts but also to say a week is no time at all to grieve. Please dont think you have to put a time limit on it. Let yourself grieve how you need to. But like others have said don't isolate yourself to much. Ring a friend/ a family member. Get some music or TV playing in background. Go for a walk. Or simply take a soak in the bath - a glass of wine if required to :)

    You have been so strong the last 10 years caring for your lovely mum so now think of yourself. Take care of your self and remember so many shoulders are here to offer you support

    Be good to yourself xxxx
     
  6. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    53,202
    Dundee
    I'm so sorry for your loss.
     
  7. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,626
    North East England
    I'd like to say welcome to TP, webby123, although I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Please accept my condolences. A week is nothing, and things will still be very raw for you. After ten years of caring you will naturally feel bereft.

    Do keep posting if you feel able, as you will get such a lot of support from the lovely members here.

    Be kind to yourself and try to rest if you can.
     
  8. webby123

    webby123 Registered User

    Mar 14, 2016
    161
    thanks everyone its pretty surreal at moment ,we had a real special relationship,had friend come around this morning which was nice also had call from association of carers offering me counselling,this afternoon off to undertakers to get a date for funeral
     
  9. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,822
    Essex
    So sorry for your loss. May you find the strength to get you through the difficult times ahead xxx
     
  10. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    How are you webby? Your in my thoughts. Love quilty
     
  11. webby123

    webby123 Registered User

    Mar 14, 2016
    161
    hi pretty low ,the funeral not till 7th april,i decided to go back to work today ,try keep busy,but its the night times that are the worst,so quiet,i usually spend evenings on my own,miss her so much
     
  12. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    After the funeral have you thought about finding a way of getting out of the house. Finding a hobbies or joining friends or workmates? There are so many charities that need help too?

    My mum did not live with me but I visited her 5 -7 days a week. I now feel lost when its visiting time. I cant imagine how you feel. I hope you can start to build a new kind of life. Its what your Mum would want for you.
     
  13. webby123

    webby123 Registered User

    Mar 14, 2016
    161
    yes i know your right,i have things planned but at the moment im not sure if i wanna do them,i cant get motivated about any of it
    i keep asking could i have done more and feel guilty a few times i was so exhausted i lost it with her
     
  14. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    Aww webby. Your human but you were her everything. You were there for every step. You will know when you are ready to do new things. Why not start with something at home? A craft? Online book club? Give yoursrlf space but kill the guilt monsters please.
     
  15. webby123

    webby123 Registered User

    Mar 14, 2016
    161
    yes i know what i want to do,before she was ill i use to cycle a lot have always wanted to do lands end to john o groats,will do it to raise money for her day centre which is run privatly,plus a few other projects,also carry on showing her wonderful roses she has 28 diffent ones in her garden,just for a laugth we entered some in a competition at village fete and won a cup
     
  16. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,734
    It is really so hard in the time between death and the funeral, I'm so sorry for your loss x
    I think almost everyone I have spoken to feels guilt when someone much loved dies - I did it was terrible. I had to force myself to do things and go to places that I thought I didn't want to and sometimes in the early days I actually enjoyed myself!!! It was a surprise and gradually I enjoyed more things and gradually the guilt almost (never quite) disappeared and the lovely memories started to come back and others started to share lovely memories too.
    It will happen xx How wonderful to have the legacy of your Mum's roses - that is very special. Thinking of you in the coming days x
     
  17. webby123

    webby123 Registered User

    Mar 14, 2016
    161
    thanks fizzie,yes i think guilt everyone who has grieved seems to suffer it,yeh roses were fun ,the cup was nearly as big as her
     

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  18. CJinUSA

    CJinUSA Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    1,127
    eastern USA
    Hello. I'm sorry. I lost my own mother on Feb. 28, and sometimes I am overcome with a feeling of needing to weep. She was ailing terribly by the end, so I'm not weeping for the woman who was dying but rather for the one who was my mother even just a couple of years ago.

    A rose memory! A rose legacy! Do you hybridize the roses? Might it be possible to work on creating a rose in your mother's memory and giving it her name? I know of one person on here who might be able to give you some tips on this, and I could, were you interested, get you two connected, if you like, by private message.

    In the meantime, the evenings . . . perhaps going for a walk, or writing a journal of your thoughts about your mother, or volunteering at a care center might help the evenings go by. I have sometimes thought that when I retire, given what I know now about dementia, I should volunteer at our local county "home," which happens to be in the town where I live. I think it would be a good thing to do, and it might bring me closer to my mother in some small way.

    My heart goes out to you and to all of us who have lost loved ones recently and not recently. This is a hard road. Sometimes it's very hard, and other times, it just feels like a necessary road to travel. Keep us posted, webby, on how you are doing?
     
  19. CJinUSA

    CJinUSA Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    1,127
    eastern USA
    O my goodness! What a wonderful photo! So happy for her and for you!
     
  20. webby123

    webby123 Registered User

    Mar 14, 2016
    161
    hi thanks for kind words,that sounds a great idea about naming a rose after her that would be great,havnt won that tropthy for a couple of years now would be great to win it back for her,although her name was engraved on the cup
     

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