ive brought my mam home from hospital to die in my home

[elaine n]

Thinking of you all this morning Maureen and John and of course your mum. I hope today is peaceful for you and wish you the strength you need on this difficult journey. xxxxxxxxxxxxe

 

[jackson]

Dear Jackson, I feel so sorry for your siblings, You said your mum would do this for you if the shoes was on the other foot. Then it sounds to me that your mum has given you the greatest of all gifts, the gift of caring, the gift of empathy, as well as the gift of love. It is sad for your siblings that they did not get these gifts as they were to self involved to receive them.
I too have received these gifts and instead of anger at my family at my sisters funeral who passed on the 14th of march after a terminal illness which even her own children had no time for her.
I took the fact that the time we spent together whilst I looked after her as a precious time that we shared and no-one can take that away, it is a time no-one else had.
Now I am caring for my mom and even though she drives me insane, I know it's my siblings loss at not sharing the time we have left. The giggles when we do lunch. I hate the times when she is screaming or crying or confused, but I bear them.
I to will be with her till the end, I don't believe it a chore but a human right to be with people whom truly love you. I hope I have one tenth of your compassion.
I am sending you both a loving hug, and I am sending your mum a gentle kiss on her forehead from everyone that has ever been on TP.

hi jennifer eccles,thanku for your message.

My siblings would not know where to begin to give,as far as i have witnessed over the years they are so wrapped up in themselves they do not have the slightest notion where to begin when it comes to giving,as all they know is to keep taking,and as long as they are allright they r not bothered about anyone else in this world.
they have been like that with that attitude for well over 20years.and i dont suppose they will ever change,an example is i phoned my eldest brother up a couple of weeks ago and asked him if he knew about my mam,he said yes he knew,i asked him if he was planning on coming to visit my mam whilst she was in hospital?the answer i was given was "i'm busy"and that was that.

i phoned my younger brother up other day and his wife answered i asked to speak to my brother, was told he was at work,i asked if they knew about mams condition and i was told "yes"then they put the phone down on me.its a total disgrace and unforgiveable.

i know what you mean though about this special time i am spending with my mam.
i have allways looked after my mam,even when i was 12 years old my mam had an operation and my dad worked away,so i slept in my mams bed with her and nursed her to good health again.my mam had a bad back about 30 years ago she was in hospital on traction,when she came out of hospital she was worse than before she went into hospital,she was totally crippled,i put her back right for her,i went to her house everyday and helped her sit up in bed wash her etc.and massaged her back with warm olive oil every day,it took nearly a month but eventually she was as right as rain.

i have allways put other people before myself and left myself to the back of the queue,but my so called family have allways put themselves first and foremost above everybody,they are selfish,greedy,uncaring and havent the slightest understanding about sharing anything in life.

i'm glad my mams forgotten them with the dementia,she doesnt deserve to go through any more pain caused by any of them.

i admire u for what u did for your sister,very brave and courageous of u,and as u sed ur family missed out "big time"through their own doing.

take care and i'm sure u will look after ur mum just as gud as u looked after ur sister.maureen

 

[jackson]

Thinking of you all this morning Maureen and John and of course your mum. I hope today is peaceful for you and wish you the strength you need on this difficult journey. xxxxxxxxxxxxe

hi elaine,thanku for ur message,and thanku for having us all in ur thoughts,my mam has got through another night,she's still looking very very comfortable and peaceful.take care.maureen

 

[marchbank]

jackson you should be so proud

I totally got your thread, all of it including the family. What i most noticed was the love and compassion shining through from you and your husband for your mum and nobody (family or anyone) can take that away. I hope in time and it could be a long time, you will see that what you have done and are doing is so precious, heartbreaking and scary at the moment but precious. Just to let you know i am thinking about you all. take care.

 

[jackson]

I totally got your thread, all of it including the family. What i most noticed was the love and compassion shining through from you and your husband for your mum and nobody (family or anyone) can take that away. I hope in time and it could be a long time, you will see that what you have done and are doing is so precious, heartbreaking and scary at the moment but precious. Just to let you know i am thinking about you all. take care.

hi marchbank,thanku for ur reply,glad u totally got it.one thing my so called family do not possess ,is the strengths and empathy and understanding ,caring ,sharing nature that i have.i feel so special to be allowed to be in such a position to look after my mam at home like this,because to be honest i didnt know it was possible to bring anyone home from hospital under such circumstances as these.
i know that my mam is very very peaceful and comfortable and i also know that she is not afraid of death as i am not afraid of death,some people seem to be terrified of death,i really cant understand these people as we all know that it is inevitable in everyones life.

my so called sister who calls herself a born again christian,is absolutely certain that she is going to heaven.(shocking)and that same so called sister does not think my mam will go to heaven.

well i know my mam will go to heaven no doubt about it.

i have requested the minister to our home yesterday to do a special service for my mam and it was really lovely ,the psalm he chose to read for my mam was psalm no 121,i think it was very very appropriate for my mam and suited her perfectly.

my so called family have missed out "big time"in these precious moments,but thats their loss and they can not open their eyes up to actually see just what is really going on,they are so wrapped up with their own selfishness that they can not understand what they should and could be doing for my mam.

well as you say this time is my special time with my mam,and i will allways treasure this time,and especially last week when my mam spoke only 1 word.
Mam has not spoken or opened her eyes for 11 days now,apart from last tuesday my mam said my name "maureen"i was absolutely elated.as i'm sure u can imagine.thanku very much for your kind words and take care.maureen

 

[marchbank]

i so mirror every word you say

Your ears will be ringing this afternoon because my friend is due in and i must tell her about you, your husband and mum. I had goosebumps reading your thread, it is such an honour to be able to care for a loved one to the end and the pride will stay in your soul forever. i am sending kindest wishes.

 

[Haylett]

Dear Maureen, who could not be moved by the love that you show? In a world that is so often ugly and meretricious, so full of anger - your care is shining through and your message is one of peace. Peace for you and for John and for your mother. I heard yesterday that the last sense to fail is that of sound - and it's very clear that Mam knows you are with her and that you stay by her side.

There's a beautiful Celtic blessing from north of the border which I'd like to offer. Whatever your God or inspiration, it says it far better than I could:

May the blessing of light be on you
Light without and light within.
May the blessed sunlight shine on you like a great peat fire,
So that stranger and friend may come and warm himself at it.
And may light shine out of the two eyes of you,
Like a candle set in the window of a house,
Bidding the wanderer come in out of the storm.

May the blessing of the rain be on you,
May it beat upon your Spirit
And wash it fair and clean,
And leave there a shining pool where the blue of Heaven shines,
And sometimes a star.

May the blessing of the earth be on you,
Soft under your feet as you pass along the roads,
Soft under you as you lie out on it, tired at the end of day;
And may it rest easy over you when, at last, you lie out under it.
May it rest so lightly over you
That your soul may be out from under it quickly;
Up and off and on its way to God.

 

[jackson]

Dear Maureen, who could not be moved by the love that you show? In a world that is so often ugly and meretricious, so full of anger - your care is shining through and your message is one of peace. Peace for you and for John and for your mother. I heard yesterday that the last sense to fail is that of sound - and it's very clear that Mam knows you are with her and that you stay by her side.

There's a beautiful Celtic blessing from north of the border which I'd like to offer. Whatever your God or inspiration, it says it far better than I could:

May the blessing of light be on you
Light without and light within.
May the blessed sunlight shine on you like a great peat fire,
So that stranger and friend may come and warm himself at it.
And may light shine out of the two eyes of you,
Like a candle set in the window of a house,
Bidding the wanderer come in out of the storm.

May the blessing of the rain be on you,
May it beat upon your Spirit
And wash it fair and clean,
And leave there a shining pool where the blue of Heaven shines,
And sometimes a star.

May the blessing of the earth be on you,
Soft under your feet as you pass along the roads,
Soft under you as you lie out on it, tired at the end of day;
And may it rest easy over you when, at last, you lie out under it.
May it rest so lightly over you
That your soul may be out from under it quickly;
Up and off and on its way to God.

hi haylett,thanku so much for your kind words and celtic blessing,it may be fate but i also have a celtic blessing,which i hang on my bedroom wall.
the main reason i have this celtic blessing is that my dad was originally from the outer hebrides and is buried on the isle of harris a beautiful beach at "Luskentyre"where they actually are buried in sand.the service for my dad was held at church on isle of scalpay.

i have a brother "john" who lives on harris,in a small bay called "Manish Bay"and a sister(born again christian "marion"who used to live on the west coast "Mallaig"she still has the house up there but now lives in invernesshire somewhere,don't know where some kind of secrecy to where she lives,don't know the reason why? infact my mam and dad used to live in "Mallaig"on the west coast of Scotland.
i am very very touched to think that u were so kind to send me this celtic blessing.thanku so much for your kindness.take care.maureen

 

[jackson]

Your ears will be ringing this afternoon because my friend is due in and i must tell her about you, your husband and mum. I had goosebumps reading your thread, it is such an honour to be able to care for a loved one to the end and the pride will stay in your soul forever. i am sending kindest wishes.

hi marchbank,i hope you do tell your friend and i don't mind my ears burning atall.
i'm sure you will be right, i am very proud to look after my mam and it is an honour especially when i think how much she has suffered over the last 16 months in carehome.thanku for your kindness.maureen

 

[Saffie]

What a wonderful daughter you are. Your mam must be so proud of you. And what a wonderful forum this is - all the kind words written here by all these lovely people,all victims of this dreadful illness in one way or another, must have helped you at this so sad time.

I'm so sorry you have a family feud to put up with too. Life is so short and they must surely, be the losers. May your love and faith keep you strong in the coming days.
love X

 

[Bastan]

i think myself and john are only doing what any decent human being would do for their loved ones in a similar situation,

I think you and John are amazing. I think I'm a decent human being and my sincere intention is to do for my husband (if he goes first) what you are doing for your mam.

Indeed you are honored to be sharing this experience with her, it proves the love you have for each other. In a strange but not unkind way I envy this closeness. I feel sure I would not be able to give this devotion to my mother. I do love her and see her as often as I can, I say this to you so you can see just how special you are. And your husband John.

His statement of your determination and his brains, made me chuckle. Reminded me of my husband when things went wrong (usually sibling upset) he'd hug me and say "you and me against the world".......

I never fail to be shocked at the number of times I have heard of a carers siblings rejecting a parent suffering from dementia. I cannot comprehend it, however, wanting to look for the best in people I wonder if it's fear or ignorance of this cruelest of diseases.

That does not mean I condone this treatment of your dear mam and my feelings echo that of many, sadly it is a loss to their lives. You are blessed to have known such love and caring and I wish you well on this hard but peaceful pathway.

much love and compassion
Bastan xx

 

[jackson]

What a wonderful daughter you are. Your mam must be so proud of you. And what a wonderful forum this is - all the kind words written here by all these lovely people,all victims of this dreadful illness in one way or another, must have helped you at this so sad time.

I'm so sorry you have a family feud to put up with too. Life is so short and they must surely, be the losers. May your love and faith keep you strong in the coming days.
love X

hi saffie,thanku for ur kind words.i agree with u saffie this forum is absolutely brilliant especially when u feel like letting off steam,theres allways someone who can understand what we are all going through,i've turned to this forum that many times in desperation when i've needed advice about dementia or carehomes or health issues,and every time i have been given back a pillow of strength from the members.

The kindness that i have received in the last few days has been tremendous and it has made me feel so much better about my situation,without this forum i think i might have gave up a long time ago with all the pressures carers have to deal with.

as far as the family feud goes saffie you are very right in saying that they are the losers,however the family feud still carries on would u believe,infact its getting worse as the time passes.

I know that my mam is my priority here and no-one else,the rats keep crawling out of the sewer pipe,instead of considering my mam at this time,they are still bickering and slandering myself and my mam and my partner John.

We will stand and unite myself my partner John and my Mam and see this through till the end.

thanku take care.maureen

 

[sharina]

Dying "mam"

Now is the time to find all the right words.Tell your mam how much you love her and why.let her know that she can go now and that she has left a peaceful world and children who are ok behind.Let all her children see her before she dies to make their goodbyes.She would want that.

The truth is the truth and any neglect will always be in their conscience.You know you have loved and looked after your mam.There is no judge or jury.The truth is in theirs and your hearts/conscience.

You have done your best and be content with that.Don't look to the family for thanks or praise.

I will say a prayer that you can give your mum a peaceful death.

 

[jackson]

Now is the time to find all the right words.Tell your mam how much you love her and why.let her know that she can go now and that she has left a peaceful world and children who are ok behind.Let all her children see her before she dies to make their goodbyes.She would want that.

The truth is the truth and any neglect will always be in their conscience.You know you have loved and looked after your mam.There is no judge or jury.The truth is in theirs and your hearts/conscience.

You have done your best and be content with that.Don't look to the family for thanks or praise.

I will say a prayer that you can give your mum a peaceful death.

hi sharina,ive already told my mam how much i love her and care about my mam,and i have every intention of letting the family say their goodbyes to my mam (i really dont know if my mam would want that or not,if my mam was in sound mind i really don't think she would want to see them, or to say goodbye to them,but because my mam is not in sound mind nobody really knows what my mam would want,i do know however that my mam can not afford to become unduly distressed or upset)and i'm sorry to say but i think you have misunderstood the situation that we are all in at this moment in time.

As for looking to the family for praise or thanks,i do not look to the family for anything whatsoever,infact i do not wish to have anything to do with them,what i have done for my mam is out of the goodness of my heart for my mam,i never ever did anything for my mam expecting any praise atall,i did it all because i am a decent human being and my mam needed help at a time when no-one else in the world would help her.

the only reason i put my thread on this site other day was not for praise or thanks from anyone on this site,but it was just to let the members know my situation and my mams situation,as i have allways mentioned on this site my mams care issues health issues etc.

i'm sorry to say this to you and i do not mean to offend you in any way,but i think you may have misunderstood my situation completely.
take care.

 

[chucky]

Jackson, you have no need to search your conscience, and there couldnt be more love in your heart than whats there in abundance. Your concern now is mum, not the others, and you know there will be not a person on earth that could care more than you do. Your job now is to comfort mum on her final journey and radiate your love, compassion, caring, and devotion as she completes the circle of life. I am in tears for you now as i can feel your pain but i also am feeling your strentgh shining through and i truly hope your mum goes peacefully, she must be and have been a lovely lady. I wouldnt give a thought about your siblings, if they cared they'd be by your side now. Stay strong for your mum as you have done and will do to the end. Take care. x

 

[scarletpauline]

Sending you love and hugs, Pauline xxxxx

 

[sharina]

Your Mam

I am so,so sorry that you misunderstood my message.

My mother died last year and at the time I was dealing with an awful family squabble.

What I am trying to say to you ..but I guess I failed utterly and I am so sorry because I would not want to distress you at this time, ..is that you know that by caring for your mother like this you are doing something right and decent and that is all that counts.The family actions do not matter.

However upsetting your family are it does not matter...they will regret their actions in time,as they get older.

However,it is important for your own peace of mind that you have no regrets about anything.ANYTHING. For your own sake....

One of my brothers saw my mother twice a year if she was lucky and said she should be in a home and put the phone down on me when I begged him to help some three years before she died.He was still by her bed side when she died.I remember how sad she would be some ten years earlier when she said that he did not care and never visited.He lives in the same city!He has to live with his own guilt.I saw it in his face.Even after this,he will never learn.Even now he only visits my father some twice a year whereas I see my father twice a week!(My father was diagnosed with cancer this year.)Sometimes I want to scream at him.."Why are you such a b*****d" but what is the point.

I emphasise most strongly ....I have no doubt that what you do is for absolute love.

I do not believe for a moment that you are looking for praise from this web site.I did not intend to suggest that.I am really sorry that I distressed you in not making myself clear.

I guess I was talking about my own situation and how no matter how much time I spent trying to sort mums issues (medical appointments,bank statements,day care,social services doctors appointments care plans etc) whilst caring for small children (one tube fed) ...this brother never said thanks. I even sorted out mum's estate afterwards to avoid dad incurring lawyer fees.

However,I worry about events after your mum dies and there is a funeral etc. Will your siblings go to that.How will you feel at this point.Will there be a row.I am worried for you. Will you be able to keep that anger contained inside.

I know how anger can eat you up and not them.Trust me,It will hurt you more than it will hurt them...because you do care.

Just perhaps...... but only you can judge the situation...you could urge them to visit to say their goodbyes.Thereafter let them live with their guilt.

Your mother may go through a period of clarity/recognition just before she dies and she may have some last words for all her children individually.My mother did.

The relationship and love between a mother and a child is a strange powerful thing and I believe mum's can forgive their children almost any thing.

She may not want to let go until she has said goodbye to all her children no matter how awful they have been to her in life.

 

[jennifer_eccles]

Just Thinking of your mam

Just to let you know I am still thinking of you john and your mum xxxxx

 

[littlegem]

Good morning Jackson,
I hope you and your family and Mum had a peaceful night.
Thinking of you
God bless.
xx

 

[jackson]

Good morning Jackson,
I hope you and your family and Mum had a peaceful night.
Thinking of you
God bless.
xx

hi littlegem,thanku for your message,my mam had another peaceful night,and mam still seems to be very comfortable and peaceful,that is apart from pressure sores which are now becoming increasingly concerning,the district nurse has been out and changed mams dressing on her back and explained to us that theres not a lot can be done at this stage,as mams body cannot repair itself due to the fact that mam has not had any fluids or food for over 12 days now,that is apart from when she was on fluids (a drip)in the hospital.

All fluids and medication were stopped on Monday 9th May,which means mams pressure sores will worsen as each day passes.

i have tried once again to contact family members to ask if they will be coming to see mam,i think there may be a small ray of hope in as much as 1 sister said she will come next thursday,i have explained to this 1 sister that next thursday may be too late,we are awaiting the outcome of that sisters decision to see if she comes to see mam sooner rather than later.

thanku so much for your thoughts and kind words.maureen