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It hurts

sheena

Registered User
Aug 4, 2007
22
Hi again - had a bit of an up an down week = my husband has had a particularly bad day today but the verbal outburst have stopped again and we are getting through the day. Again thanks for all the support that has been coming for us but also to those who have also posted threads - hopefully one day we will be the ones being supportive instead of needing just as much support as we do now.
thanks again to everyone.
Sheena
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,116
Kent
Dear Sheena,

one day we will be the ones being supportive instead of needing just as much support as we do now.

Just by posting, you are supporting others. You write about the problems you face, and allow others who face the same problems to know they are not alone.

Please keep posting.

Love xx
 

christine_batch

Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
3,388
Buckinghamshire
Moving on after Care Home

I have been told by Social Worker now is the time to clear out Peter's clothes etc., 4 months since he went in. I can't. Listening to other former Carers' at our group they say in your own time. Changing Consevatory into office (still allowing the space for Grandchildrens area). I use to buy Peter a daily paper but he only looked at the pictures. So I stopped buying one and left the same paper folded on the table and he use to look at the same paper for over 3 months. Felt guilty but I was playing an Elvis c.d. when Don't be Cruel came on. Guilt again !!! We use to go to Country & Western every 2 weeks and in October spend a weekend at Seaton in Devon with a lot of C & W people. For 12 years we attended and each time I look at his range of cowboy boots, hats, buckles my memoiries come flooding back to those happy times. So the Social Worker can take a running jump and I will hold on to my memoiries which are also memories of my children and Grandchildren associated with Peter. Oh am I must not forget the Rock & Roll years. When Peter lost his memory completely at the begining it took me 8 months for him to know his name etc., forgot marrying me but rembers his step-children and grandchildren. I played the same song over for nearly 3 months until he started to sing along with it. I have kept a diary for years and try not to look back at that but to concentrate on the present. On this T.P. there is so much support and just reading input is comforting knowing we are not alone. Just wish the Social Workers and Goverment visited and took notice. I will leave them to another day because as for campaigning they are on my TO DO LIST.
It helps putting down feelings to other who understand. Thank you all and God Bless. Christine
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,116
Kent
Dear Christsine,

I find it hard to believe the insensitivity of a SW suggeating you clear out your husband`s clothes. What difference does it make how long you keep them, it is entirely up to you.

The feelings you`ve written about will be well inderstood on TP. I hope you keep posting.

Take care

Love xx
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,454
Hiya Christine,
My mum died a month ago. She had been in a Nursing Home for 19 months - most of her clothes are still in her wardrobes at home. Dad and I have been giving things away to charity shops, but those things we particularly liked mum in are still there.
When we are ready, we will sort it. Your Peter has not died, he is simply living elsewhere, because he needs extra care. I so know what you mean about concentrating on the present and not looking back.
You do things as you fel ready Christine.
Love, Helen
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Dear Christine

No-one has the right to tell you to clear out your husband's clothing.

I can't believe your SW could be so insensitive. As long as it comforts you to look at his C & W gear, then keep it, and anything else that reminds you of happier times.

Just do wahtever you want to do, in your own time.

Love,
 

Brucie

Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
12,413
near London
Hi Christine,

I agree with everyone else - you must do things only when you feel the time is right.

It took me 4 years to begin to consider disposing of anything of Jan's from the house. Even then, only her least treasured things went, slowly, one by one.

Until that point, Jan could have walked back in [if only :( ] and picked up right from the point she last walked out.

Now, over 6 years afterwards, including a house move, I still keep some of her clothes - wedding dress, etc. They represent memories, and a link to a happier past for her.

When I took her Kurt Geiger shoes to the charity shop when I moved home last year, I first photographed them, and they remain on file in that form, as a link between us.

I changed the car today and felt bad about that.

Crazy, because Jan has never seen or been in the car.

However, it was the same model as the previous car that I had owned, and that I chose so she would be comfortable when we drove around.

So there was a link through the car.

It seemed that, in replacing the car, I was in some way, abandoning another link between us. But the one I replaced was becoming unreliable and I need a reliable car to continue visiting Jan. I may abandon the car, but never Jan.

These links we maintain when a loved one moves to a care home, or passes on, are important and are crucial to our grieving process at the changes life bestows on us.

Many social workers appear to do their jobs as if reading a script yet not understanding the words. That is a great shame.

Best wishes
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,116
Kent
Dear Bruce,

My mother sold her car when my father died and kept his car. She kept it for 8 years after he died, and cried when she had to get rid of it, because it was costing more in repairs than it cost to run.

It was her last link with him.

Enjoy your new car, even though its` purchase caused some pain.

Love xx
 

Brucie

Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
12,413
near London
Thanks, Sylvia, in the midst of your challenges, you still think of others all the time!

... of course, the new car still provides the link between Jan and me as without it, I couldn't visit. :)
 

Tig

Registered User
Aug 14, 2007
6
Tayside
Your Social Worker’s comments are just unbelievable and insensitive. You can only move things from your house when you feel good and ready – not when anyone else suggests you may be.

My stepfather will be going into a care home as he has problems which demand a high level of care (he is currently in hospital) and my mum, who has been diagnosed with AZ cannot cope with his needs. This decision was made after a meeting with his case worker, my mum’s case worker, OT, physio and representation from our family. What I could not understand however was the way his case worker explained things to him, she could have been speaking to one of her colleagues, I would consider myself reasonably intelligent and I was finding it hard to follow! I don’t know what gene has been removed (probably not in all cases I should add) that allows them forget that they are dealing with people who are insecure, mixed-up and frightened and that their families are on an emotional roller coaster too.

Best wishes.

Tig:)
 

cris

Registered User
Aug 23, 2006
326
70
Chelmsford
Material things do provide links to memories, but are not the last thing. Our memories are the very last link between ourselves and our loved ones. It's just very often a possession triggers the sleeping dream. Possessions will come & go, but our memories will be with us till our end. We need to kick them awake sometimes, but they will always be there.
SW have a tough job, I guess poorly paid, & are very often young & inexperienced. Until you experience being a carer for someone you love who has this appalling illness, no one on this earth will ever understand.
cris

just my thoughts & not meant to contradict anyone.
I have possessions I love & would hate to part with.
 

christine_batch

Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
3,388
Buckinghamshire
Thank you for all your messages. Something funny to share

This week-end I had the 7 & 11 year grandchildren "sleep over" We had a really great time. My daughter who is a full time working mother was going to a do with her partner of 3 years. Took them for a McDonalds who how I dislike going there but that was what they wanted and for me to take them it is a huge treat. Asking the 7 years old what would he like - shrug of the shoulders. I would like 2 meals please. Turning to Abby, what would she like? Another shrug of the shoulders. I only need 1 meal. Then the 7 year old said a Happy Meal. Which one?
Shrug of the shoulders again. So I said fish, Cian replied burger. Turning to Abby by then she knew I was not going to play that game. She chose her meal. All happy except me on having to order one of those meals. When we got outside I explained that it is not what as a family we expect. They both looked at me and said we know you only have you disability money and dinot know what I could afford. So giving them hugs and kisses, seeing it from their view I felt so proud of them. Abby wanted to read messages posted on Talking Point as she has been doing research into Alzheimers. She even sent a couple of lovely messages off.
I have been going over our GUILT we we all feel. Have come up with a challenge if any body wants to join in.
G GIVING
U UNCONDITIONALLY
I INDEFFINATELY
L LOVE
T THROUGHOUT.

I have not forgotten all the brave and courages Carers.
C COMPANSSION
A ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
R RESPECT
E EVERYTHING
R REGARDLESS

I should be typing our Branch Minutes but I just wanted to do this.
So come on you brave, couragous Carers andone wish to join in ?
Love from Christine
 

janices666

Registered User
Jun 23, 2006
19
Kent
possessions

I agree with everyone else, the sw should not of been so insensitive you keep your husband's belongings as long as you like Christine
My husband as been in care two years now, and i still have all his clothes in the wardrobe.
Sorry i have not posted for a long time,and i am not very good with words.
I do so miss my husband dreadfully.
Take care, love to all of you.
Janice xx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,116
Kent
Dear Janice,

I find it hard to imagine how you feel but I sense how empty the house is for you, without your husband.

Don`t worry about being good or not so good with words. It might help you if you posted a bit more often and took some support from everyone here. I know no-one can fill your husband`s shoes but there are so many on TP in your situation, it could help to share with friends who know what you`re going through.

Take care xx
 

janices666

Registered User
Jun 23, 2006
19
Kent
Grannie G said:
Dear Janice,

I find it hard to imagine how you feel but I sense how empty the house is for you, without your husband.

Don`t worry about being good or not so good with words. It might help you if you posted a bit more often and took some support from everyone here. I know no-one can fill your husband`s shoes but there are so many on TP in your situation, it could help to share with friends who know what you`re going through.

Take care xx
Dear Sylvia
Thank you for your kind words, the house does seem very empty but it helps having my daughter Lisa around to cheer me up thou. She finds it hard at times without her dad hear.
I will take your advice and try to post on here a bit more often, and it would be nice to talk to people who understand what you are going threw and make some friends.
I do find it hard to make friends due to being very shy.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,116
Kent
Dear Janice,

It doesn`t matter if you are shy on TP. No-one sees your blushes and no-one senses your discomfort.

I`m so pleased you posted back. Believe me, the more you do it, the easier it will get.

I`m glad you have a daughter to support you, and am sure you will find a lot more support here.

Take care

Love xx
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Hi Janice, Sylvia's right. Just keep posting, and you'll soon get used to it. We're all friends here.

Love,
 

janices666

Registered User
Jun 23, 2006
19
Kent
Dear Skye and Sylvia
Thank you both for your kind words, and i will try to post on here more often.
Sylvia you are right , no one can see me blushing.
At the moment i am finding it very hard to visit Colin, i seem to be making excuses not to visit, when i should i know. He has got alot worse, and most of the time he just sits their. I am not sure if he is taking anything in or not. bless him.
I sometimes don't see him for a few weeks, then i feel very guilty because i haven't seen him for a while.
Janice
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,116
Kent
Dear Janice,

I was so pleased to see you posting again. Well done. I told you it gets asier didn`t I. :)

It is so hard to visit and sit in silence, the time drags whilst you try to find a way to make contact.

Do you have a long journey to visit Colin?

When my mother was at that stage, I went quite often but didn`t stay long. I took her bits and pieces I wanted her to have, sat for a short time, asked the staff how she`d been and then went home.

If Colin`s home is near enough for you to do that it might make you feel better.

At least it eases the guilt. well it did for me.

Take care Janice and keep posting.

Love xx
 

janices666

Registered User
Jun 23, 2006
19
Kent
Grannie G said:
Dear Janice,

I was so pleased to see you posting again. Well done. I told you it gets asier didn`t I. :)

It is so hard to visit and sit in silence, the time drags whilst you try to find a way to make contact.

Do you have a long journey to visit Colin?

When my mother was at that stage, I went quite often but didn`t stay long. I took her bits and pieces I wanted her to have, sat for a short time, asked the staff how she`d been and then went home.

If Colin`s home is near enough for you to do that it might make you feel better.

At least it eases the guilt. well it did for me.

Take care Janice and keep posting.

Love xx
Dear Sylvia
You are right, the more you post on here the easier it gets.
Colin's home is not to far away, a bus journey and then i walk the rest of the way.
I will properbly take your advice and go more often and just sit with him a short while, because i usually stay for a couple of hours and in that time i only get a few words spoken from him.
I will be going up to see him later on today, to see how he is. The staff are very nice and he is well taken care off, always clean and tidy and that makes a difference knowing that he is well taken care of.
Yes i will take care thank you, and you also take care.
love to you all, and i will keep posting.
love Janice xxxx