Is this the next stage?

[JoannePat]

Hi everyone! I am looking for a bit of reassurance or assistance or maybe just a rant!

So up until now I have tried not to interfere with dads shopping habits. We occasionally take him or pick up his heavy stuff, its has been so important for him to keep the independence of wandering the supermarket aisles, up and down as much as he likes! I have the Life 360 app on his phone so I know he can spend 2 hours in our local supermarket.

The last few days he hasn't been feeling his best and he mentioned needing some bits so I said I would take him. I was patient, I gave him ideas, I was doing really well, until I got him home........

I unpacked his shopping for him and he now has three loaves of bread, 35 cup cakes, 7 bags of mints...........I could go on, but I'm probably already boring you.

I really think now I have to make a strict list with him and only let him shop from that. My worry is that he won't ask me and then ends up with even more food that we have to throw out (I have to clear his fridge every fortnight).

He also tells fibs about the amount he is eating and drinking and obviously I can tell by the amount of stuff I am throwing away.

So is there a good way to get him to stick to a list, because at the moment a family of 4 could live off all that for a week!

Thank you

Joanne x

 

[try again]

I think it's at this stage he needs a bit more help. I used to food shop for my mother and could see how little of the food had gone. She insisted that she was eating well. It drove me round the bend. Was I in the wrong? Was she getting food elsewhere? She was so insistent and could be quite normal at that stage

'luckily' problems with medication began. An echo show helped for a while but then a couple of falls and leg infections and and me reaching a breaking point got social services involved and they organised carers 3x per day which mum funded (via me with lpa).
They then did food with microwave and frozen meals and that lasted for 1-2 years with falls and leg infections getting more common until the last hospital visit ended with her discharged for assesment into a rubbish care home
We pushed for the assessment which deemed her unsafe to go home and moved her into a care home of our choice.

Everyone's path is different but it was a progression for my mum

 

[noodlethepoodle]

Mum forgets what she has in the fridge. My sister buys it for her but doesn’t always check what she has eaten. I found 10 packets of vegan cheese in her fridge! Quite impressive. Mum has some issues with eating. Appetite low but I think variation can be good and mild plain food for her meals went down well.

 

[Chizz]

Hi everyone! I am looking for a bit of reassurance or assistance or maybe just a rant!

So up until now I have tried not to interfere with dads shopping habits. We occasionally take him or pick up his heavy stuff, its has been so important for him to keep the independence of wandering the supermarket aisles, up and down as much as he likes! I have the Life 360 app on his phone so I know he can spend 2 hours in our local supermarket.

The last few days he hasn't been feeling his best and he mentioned needing some bits so I said I would take him. I was patient, I gave him ideas, I was doing really well, until I got him home........

I unpacked his shopping for him and he now has three loaves of bread, 35 cup cakes, 7 bags of mints...........I could go on, but I'm probably already boring you.

I really think now I have to make a strict list with him and only let him shop from that. My worry is that he won't ask me and then ends up with even more food that we have to throw out (I have to clear his fridge every fortnight).

He also tells fibs about the amount he is eating and drinking and obviously I can tell by the amount of stuff I am throwing away.

So is there a good way to get him to stick to a list, because at the moment a family of 4 could live off all that for a week!

Thank you

Joanne x

Hi @JoannePat

I suggest you sit with him to make the shopping list, either writing down what he says or what he needs, or making suggestions and putting them on the list. Then you go with him to do the shopping - you could say you'll help carry things whilst he pushes the trolley, or whatever.

Can you dad still read? If yes, then at the supermarket, you get him to read out from the list to get things for the trolley, or he reads and you get things. Whatever he reads doesn't entirely matter as you'll get and put in the trolley what is actually needed, so no more "35 cup cakes..." etc.

If he can no longer read, then you read and ask him to get that from the shelf. At the checkout, you only put on the conveyor the things he needs and not other extraneous stuff he may have put in the trolley.

I hope you can make it work for you both.

I'm well past this with my OH. When she was still walking, the going round the supermarket became too long and tiring for her, so we used a wheelchair. The trip to the supermarket: for me it was to do the shopping, but for my OH as she deteriorated it gradually just became a trip out of the house for a change of scene, maybe meet someone we knew etc., oh, and by the way we did some shopping.

Best wishes.

 

[JoannePat]

Thank you @noodlethepoodle and @Chizz for your replies. I am doing another fridge clear today and will start a list with him. He can still read but he finds pushing the trolley a good aid so I will work around this.

It brings back memories of my mum buying kitchen paper, we lost her two and a half years ago and I think my dad has only just had to buy some!

x

 

[Ericaj79]

Hi Joanne, Ive recently joined this sight and I have to say, your Dad sounds like he could be my Dad and you me! its uncanny!! My Dad was diagnosed back in March 23' but he refused to go for a CT scan he's still telling everyone that he's fine - The problem I have with my Dad is that he is so lazy at the best of times (mentally and physically!) and always has been - my mum, how died in 2019 did everything for him - so sometimes when he says or does some things i'm not sure if its his dementia or just being lazy.... he's a habit of just not listening to people as he's not interested ...

but like the other day he called me ay 5:45 am (I saw it was him and assumed it was urgent) he said "oh my god Erica im just freezing! the heatings not working , can you pop down ' I live 2hrs away! and also his heating comes on at 6am and he has an electric fire in his lounge , which ive told him countless times he can turn that on.... he also has been told the timings on his central heating, its all set up so that he doesn't need to fiddle with anything.....

Im new to this and Ive been finding it VERY frustrating.... like, he has a friend he goes to the pub with, they've been friends years, but this guys got 3 kids and my dad is convinced at times they are his brothers!? and then gets annoyed when I tel him , no its his sons....

Also, when my mum was alive he had no interest in me visiting him and wasn't really interested in my life! and now he's always expects me to see him, but only because I help him so much with day to day stuff - my brother and his wife live 2mins away from him, and I tell my dad to contact him in emergencies not me as im not close.... but he doesn't as he knows my brother gets shirty with him and I guess he thinks im easier!?

ugh... sorry for that rant! I just want to understand how I can deal with this better.... after a call from him I can spend hours feeling wound up

 

[Qikichi]

@Ericaj79
“but like the other day he called me ay 5:45 am (I saw it was him and assumed it was urgent) he said "oh my god Erica im just freezing! the heatings not working , can you pop down ' I live 2hrs away! and also his heating comes on at 6am and he has an electric fire in his lounge , which ive told him countless times he can turn that on.... he also has been told the timings on his central heating, its all set up so that he doesn't need to fiddle with anything.....”

I got a Hive installed in the end as I was driving a 1.5hr round trip almost every evening due to my dad messing. It drove me nuts. My sister lives around the corner but isn’t technical so I get the calls. Now I have the Hive, I check it at various times during the day to make sure all is ok. I also had the hive control put on the wall so he didn’t have the handheld device to mess with. A few days of him fiddling with this and me altering via the app on my phone stopped the behaviour. I only get a call now if he’s cold and I can turn it on/up the temperature from my end. Apparently, I’m a smarta*se with technology. 😏

 

[JoannePat]

Hi @Ericaj79 we are twinning in so many ways! I went to my local support group today and it was so nice just to sit and compare and moan and all the things we need to do to relieve ourselves of so much stress.

I, like you can be wound up for hours after a call.

The guy who runs our support group told me today of how intuitive our PWD can be. So they may not know what the hell is going on around them but if our body language changes towards them they pick it up too.

It made me realise how antsy I can be with him sometimes .

Jxx

 

[Ericaj79]

Hi @Ericaj79 we are twinning in so many ways! I went to my local support group today and it was so nice just to sit and compare and moan and all the things we need to do to relieve ourselves of so much stress.

I, like you can be wound up for hours after a call.

The guy who runs our support group told me today of how intuitive our PWD can be. So they may not know what the hell is going on around them but if our body language changes towards them they pick it up too.

It made me realise how antsy I can be with him sometimes .

Jxx

Hi!... Yes, really sounds like we are, I feel when I moan or say anything to people who's parents are fine that they just think Im an awful daughter!

I wonder if I can find a support group near me? I'll have to look it up..... it's just nice to know im not alone!

honestly, it was after reading your posts that the penny really dropped with me, it was so similar. I think I struggle to 'believe' my Dad has this, in a way I think I was in denial about my dads dementia, which is why I always found him so frustrating , I just wanted him to 'think' and 'try' - when I call him I have to get myself in the right frame of mind before! xx

 

[Ericaj79]

@Ericaj79
“but like the other day he called me ay 5:45 am (I saw it was him and assumed it was urgent) he said "oh my god Erica im just freezing! the heatings not working , can you pop down ' I live 2hrs away! and also his heating comes on at 6am and he has an electric fire in his lounge , which ive told him countless times he can turn that on.... he also has been told the timings on his central heating, its all set up so that he doesn't need to fiddle with anything.....”

I got a Hive installed in the end as I was driving a 1.5hr round trip almost every evening due to my dad messing. It drove me nuts. My sister lives around the corner but isn’t technical so I get the calls. Now I have the Hive, I check it at various times during the day to make sure all is ok. I also had the hive control put on the wall so he didn’t have the handheld device to mess with. A few days of him fiddling with this and me altering via the app on my phone stopped the behaviour. I only get a call now if he’s cold and I can turn it on/up the temperature from my end. Apparently, I’m a smarta*se with technology. 😏

Hi...aw ok, I'll have to look this up! sounds great...thanks x

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @Ericaj79 Welcome to the Dementia Support Forum from me also. You talked about looking for support groups near you, you might find the attached of use in your search.

Your local dementia support services

We are here to help. Find out more about the type of dementia support services available in your area.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

Getting help and support as a carer

Find out more about the different types of help and support available to you as a carer for someone with dementia.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Ericaj79]

aw that's great, thank you